Guide His/Her Independence

Children can imagine incredible possibilities long before they can handle the reality. Whether it is a 2-year-old contemplating a huge flight of concrete stairs with the thought of climbing them all alone, or a 12-year-old contemplating the same steps with the thought of jumping down them on a bicycle, the impulse for challenge, growth and independence is natural. So is the parental response to protect and safeguard the child. Balancing protection with a healthy dose of guidance is essential to nurture the child’s need for exploration.

Because the world of a child is very small – just what s/he can see, feel touch and hear – parents need to guide his/her independence to ensure that the child pushes the limits safely. For part of the wonder of childhood is that tender confidence that all within his/her control is possible and safe. But parents know better. Accidents happen. Our children will be hurt sometimes as they experiment in the world. Our job is to protect them when we can, and to help them soothe the disappointment of limitations and pain when they inevitably come.

When the child is very young the need for guidance is nearly constant. Even infants can easily hurt themselves as they learn to control their arms and hands, if there is something in the immediate environment they might accidentally pick up. We must make sure that infants are placed only in safe spaces with safe surroundings where they cannot roll or slide into trouble.

As the child begins to move on his or her own the need for protection, including restriction of movement or access, increases dramatically. At the same time the need for stimulation and exploration is vital to healthy cognitive, emotional, and physical development. Guiding the toddler’s independence starts with accurately assessing the world from his or her point of view. Cover or remove sharp corners. Stay close and observant when in an unfamiliar environment. Stay ahead of the child visually as s/he explores so you can anticipate and structure successful exploration.

Once the child is competent on wheels – low, stable, three-wheelers – a whole new world opens up. Hopefully the parent has been practicing the art of limit setting and natural consequences to teach self-control. If so, the wheel phase is much easier. Establish clear time and distance parameters appropriate to the age of the child. Set clear consequences for violations of either time or distance rules and then stick with it. The easiest consequence is a loss of the wheels for a period of time. The amount of loss time depends on the child’s age and personality. Periodically check up on your child to make sure s/he is within the distance parameter. You might start with just the back or front yard patio, for example.

Seek opportunities for your child to make his/her own decisions. Watch for signs that your child has preferences and help him/her express them. Clothing choices are one of the easiest places to allow and encourage the expression and exploration of personal choice. Second is room organization and decoration. We can guide his/her independence in these areas most effectively by offering appropriate, but limited, choices.

For example, parents can select two or three outfits appropriate to the weather and activities for the day and allow the child to choose. Parents with a very high tolerance for creative clothing choices may be able to provide even wider choices, as long as the choices are consistent with adequate protection related to the weather.


One of the most important and difficult are of guidance for any parent is allowing our children their angry feelings. That’s because the ability to control impulses and have strong feelings, contain them, and direct them appropriately starts with the opposite behaviors; impulsive action, overwhelming feelings, acting out and lashing out at the closest target – parents. 

If parents can support their children through approximately 2,000 of these difficult moments in the first five years of life, the adolescent years will be much easier. That’s because the skills of independent thinking and mature action develop over time. Parents lay the groundwork during the first five years of a child’s life by consistently and loving guiding his/her independence.

Deliver Encouragement Frequently

In the last article we looked at the ABC of parenting: Action Before Conversation. Now let's look at a second concept in the alphabet soup of effective parenting. Deliver 

Encouragement Frequently (DEF). This is so obvious, yet difficult to do in the midst of our busy daily lives. We know our children need support from us. And we want to provide both emotional and physical nurturing for them. We've all heard the great advice: "catch them being good." It sounds so easy. So, how do we do that?

Children often need encouragement the most when we're feeling the least inclined to give it. This may be a result of our own level of stress, the child's behavior, the demands of an ordinary day, or all of these factors. If we start with ABC, Action Before Conversation, we can lay the groundwork for DEF, Deliver Encouragement Frequently. For example, you walk into the house after a stressful day to discover that your adolescent child has created havoc with the freshly cleaned floor. The child's friends are there. You feel your frustrated reaction and the impulse to speak out.

Stifle it. Say "hello". And take action, by taking care of yourself first. Go to your room, change your clothes, count to ten, focus on relaxing, and plan your next move. You want to be sensitive to the fact that you've just greeted your child, and that peers are still in the house. If you can't live with the dirty floor for a while, then calmly get your child's attention and request that his/her friends leave. Once they're gone, express your concern and ask for cooperation in addressing it. If you can live with the dirty floor for a while, simply wait until later in the evening when everyone has unwound a bit and you have some private family time.

DEF is a balancing act. We balance our need for respect and cooperation from our child, with our child's need for structure and teaching. And we do this in a constant state of change. For our child is a dynamic force in our lives. S/he may be unable to toddle up the stairs alone today, and then run up them tomorrow. S/he couldn't ask for what s/he wanted when you left the house this morning, and is able to speak it clearly when you pick her up from daycare.

Encouragement from mom or dad inspires cooperation from a child. So, for the sake of our children, let's all deliver encouragement frequently.

Action Before Conversation - A Parenting ABC

For the sake of our children, we could all stand to talk less and act more when it comes to correcting negative behavior. In general, act first and talk later. Parents spend far too much time explaining and reasoning with their offspring, rather than taking action. Try "get off the top of the refrigerator NOW" instead of "how many times have I told you that it is not safe?" Or a simple "pick it up" rather than a lecture entitled "I love a clean San Diego!"

Who's job is it anyway? Have you ever noticed that as parents' energy investment in a given task or situation gets larger, the child's gets smaller? If you're working harder at getting your child's chores done than she or he is, try a little exercise. Bite your tongue! Stop repeating yourself. Communicate your message as succinctly and firmly as possible, then bite your tongue and silently count to twenty. If the child hasn't moved, gently assist him or her physically in the direction of the desired behavior. Then repeat your brief message a second time using the same words, voice tone and volume. Bite your tongue again, and count to twenty. If the child still isn't cooperating, move to action.

Time-out is a great intervention for many children. The child loses something they want - contact with other people and ordinary activities, while gaining something else -self-control. There are some helpful rules of thumb for time-out:

1. Length should be one minute for each year of a child's age
2. When the time is up, the child should be given an opportunity to come out of time-out and practice self-control
3. If the child achieves self control before the time-out is up, let him/her out early. They have risen to the challenge and it should be immediately acknowledged.
4. Time-out should not be more fun than the problem behavior that earned it!

Withdrawal of privileges can also inspire a young person to be a good cooperator. But make sure you impose a loss that makes the child suffer more than the parent! Grounding a teen-ager for the rest of his or her life might prove too much to handle for mom or dad. Also, withdraw the privilege calmly and firmly – NO DRAMA!

ABC is especially important during times of transition. Some transitions are natural and expected, like the birth of a new child. Others are unexpected and create a crisis, like divorce. If you are in transition, stop and think before you make decisions about parenting. You may inadvertently burden a child with adult concerns. Or you may withhold appropriate discipline because of guilt or fear. So talk problems over with a trusted adult before talking to your child.

Listening is one of the most important skills of a good parent and it’s important to talk with your child after self-control is regained. Ask the child to tell you their understanding of what was negative about his behavior. Support all attempts at honest communication, and keep it brief. Take your cues from the child for the end of the conversation. Then take action again - a hug would probably be just right.

Loyalty Conflict in 2-Home Children: Co-Parenting for Better or Worse

Coparents often pride themselves on the fact that they never say anything negative about the other parent. They reassure themselves and others that they would never put their child in a position where the child has to choose between Mom or Dad.

Yet some coparents engage in very destructive behaviors with their children without a second thought when anger, fear, and a desire for revenge take over.

1 Mom gives a gift to the child. Dad throws the gift away.

2 Dad sends child home in new clothes. Mom throws the clothes away.

3 Mom tells Dad that the child can’t have sugar. Dad sends the child home with a bag of candy.

4 Dad tells Mom that he has a family reunion on her weekend and asks to exchange weekends. Mom plans a trip to Disneyland for that weekend.

5 Mom tells Dad the child has a birthday party for a school friend on Dad’s weekend and asks Dad to take the child. Dad tells Mom that she can’t plan things on his time so he isn’t taking the child.

6 Dad gives the child new clothes for Christmas. When child dresses for school and puts on the new clothes, Dad tells the child he can’t wear the clothes because Mom is picking the child up from school.

7 Mom plans a birthday for the child. The child invites his Dad and his Dad’s family. Mom tells the child the party is only for Mom and her family with the child.

8 Dad tells Mom the child has been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder and Dad says that the child is fine, there is nothing wrong with the child.

9 Mom gives the child diagnosed with ADHD his/her prescribed medication as required. Dad refuses to give the medication.

The ways in which parents put children in loyalty conflict are divisive and disheartening. If you know a parent who does these things, or if you are one of those parents, challenge the status quo. The child suffers when the parent uses the child to work through adult conflicts and problems.

No coparent can control what the other coparent does. Each one of us can only control our own choices when our child is with us. Respond don’t react. Protect your child from the adult conflict. Teach, nurture, and listen to your child. Get support and help for yourself.

If you are hurting your child by engaging in any of these types of behaviors, admit the harm you are doing to your child rather than justifying your anger at the other parent. Do it for your child and do it for yourself.

Loyalty Conflict in 2-Home Children

Special outings can be a source of tension, stress, and pressure for children when Mom and Dad don’t get along. This is an example of an avoidable loyalty conflict for the child if the parents have basic coparenting communication.  Simple coparenting agreements include these kinds of activities. Mom and Dad agree to alternate or they agree that Mom will always do a certain activity each year and Dad will do another.

Unfortunately, when coparenting relationships are high conflict, special outings like LegoLand or Disneyland can easily turn into competitive events for coparents who are insecure in their role as a parent and who want to “win” in a self-centered game against the other parent.

Some common examples include:
1  Disney Ice Show
2  New Movie Release – G Rated or 2^nd or 3^rd in a series
3  Del Mar Fair
4  Monster Trucks
5  Comic-Con

Children suffer when coparents are so estranged from one another that they are unable to agree on basic information exchange for the purpose of protecting a child from loyalty conflicts. When coparents have gone weeks, months, or even years with no face-to-face contact the potential for set-backs and new allegations is high. Transition points in a family working toward a successful restructure are vulnerable times for each family member.

Family Court typically doesn’t provide transition plans for parents that are sensitive to these delicate transition times. Transition plans should include a gradual change from supervised visits to book-end visits to supervised exchanges to face-to-face exchanges with a neutral person present. This kind of transition process is necessary to support all family members in making the changes towards a healthy new structure but the law does not require this kind of support.

As the gradual change plan moves forward, conjoint coparenting counseling for the sole purpose of making basic agreements about information exchange and about special event procedures can make all the difference for every family member. These agreements remove uncertainty and stress on the family system, and establish new norms for 2-home family functioning that are critical for success.

Family Courts could provide transition plans appropriate to each family system, but it is a very rare occurrence in an adversarial judicial system struggling with understaffing, full calendars, and inadequate budgets.

If you want to create a new family structure which supports your children in moving between homes successfully, then find a way to sit down with your coparent and make some basic agreements. Most coparents find it difficult or impossible to stay calm without a neutral person to keep the agenda on track. 

Facilitated Coparenting Meetings at Transitions Family Program at Hannah’s House are an excellent way to approach this task. Most coparents meet for 1-3 meetings to make the basic agreements, and then do periodic scheduled meetings to follow up and refine.

Loyalty conflicts weigh on children. Loyalty conflicts diminish the joy and spontaneity of childhood. Protect your child from this avoidable stress and your new family structure will flourish.

Loyalty Conflict in Children

Loyalty conflicts are complicated.

Resolving loyalty conflicts is a process.

That process often starts with reparenting ourselves as we parent our children.

How do I that? How do I reparent myself to fill in those broken places while I try to raise another human being?

The first step in any process of human change is recognition of our own contributions to the status quo. This requires a spirit of inquiry about self because we are only able to be as honest with another person as we are able to be honest with ourselves.

If I am unhappy with the life partner I chose, I need to accept responsibility for that choice. I need to explore my needs and desires that led me to make a choice for myself that has proven to be a poor one.

I need to take responsibility and stop blaming my partner for the choices I made. I need to make better choices. I need to take some risks to change my own behavior in order to build a better life for myself and my children.

“I” statements have power. That is why most approaches to the change process include them. Try it. Keep the focus on self. Keep the focus on personal choices and personal responsibility.

I chose.

I decided.

I agreed.

I acted.

Parents teach us about choices, consequences, personal responsibility, honesty, and integrity. If our parents blamed others for their own shortcomings and disappointments then we are likely to that, too.

How can we teach our children about being a decent human being if we are blaming other people for the choices we have made? Becoming a better parent may mean having a different relationship, a different understanding, of how we were raised.

Does that feel disloyal? Do you feel a loyalty conflict? Do you believe that it’s wrong to admit that your Mom or your Dad made choices that hurt you or left you alone too much or blamed you too much or criticized you too much or made you grow up too fast?

Life happens to all of us. Life happened to our parents. Exploring the impact of the choices our parents made is not disloyal. Recognizing the impact of the life challenges thrown at our parents is not disloyal. Being honest about how we felt as children when our parents made the very best choices possible as they faced difficult situations, is not disloyal.

Children shouldn’t have to choose one parent over the other. But many adults say that they felt closer to one parent than they felt to the other, or that one parent had more positive influence than the other. Our feelings towards our parents are not a matter of loyalty or disloyalty. They can be a source of tremendous understanding, compassion, and empathy for our parents and for ourselves when we were children.

Becoming a better parent means acknowledging the ways we need to take care of ourselves to make sure that we don’t unconsciously use our children to meet our own needs.

This process is complicated under the best of circumstances. When our own family has broken apart, it can seem impossible. But our children can’t wait to be adequately parented until we grow up. We need to find a way to take care of our children and take care of self. Find a therapist or counselor or life coach who can help. Find a support group of like-minded parents who can help.

You are worth it and so are your children.

Loyalty Conflict in Children

Children shouldn’t have to choose one parent over the other.

Most parents would immediately agree with that sentiment. Oh, absolutely! I would never….

But children don’t feel the pressure and stress of loyalty conflict because a parent overtly and directly asks them to choose or asks them to agree with negative statements about Mom or Dad.

Children feel loyalty conflicts because they know when Mom or Dad is angry or rejecting of the other parent and it feels scary.

Children know when Mom or Dad needs the child to reassure the parent that the adult is important, special, and the better parent.

Children learn to choose one parent over the other because children can sense what parents need to hear and see in order for the parent to feel good about him or herself.

If Mom or Dad feels good, like a good parent, then life feels good for the child.

Loyalty conflicts in children, and the adult manipulation of children’s emotional vulnerabilities, happen in all kinds of families because some parents exploit children to compensate for adult challenges. Some parents emotionally manipulate children only when under great stress and some parents do it because that is the way they learned to get their needs met in intimate family relationships.

Loyalty conflicts emerge because parents have unmet needs and unmet or incomplete developmental tasks from the way they were parented as children. These deficits, or undeveloped aspects, become more intense when children are brought into the life of a couple.

We refer to a family living together under the same roof as “intact,” meaning unbroken. We refer to families who have separated from one another to live in two homes as “broken,” meaning damaged.

This simplistic way of categorizing families is convenient, but misleading. It completely misses the fact that we all have unmet needs and incomplete developmental tasks from our childhood.  How could we not? Life is hard. Unpredictable. Unfair. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. Parents do the best they can every single day with what they have to work with and with what life throws at them.

In other words, we are all “broken” in some way. We all have things to learn about being a better person, a more capable mother or father, a more positive human being. Hopefully, we will keep becoming more truly and completely who we are capable of being every single day of our lives.

Loyalty conflicts are complicated and there is not one solution. There is no magic word or sentence that you either say or don’t say.

Resolving loyalty conflicts is a process. That process often starts with reparenting ourselves as we parent our children. The process certainly requires a spirit of inquiry about self. In the next few days, we will continue to explore the issue of loyalty conflict. For our children, and for ourselves.