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Monday, February 1, 2010

How do I answer these questions about the divorce?

Timing is everything, isn’t it? Of course these tough questions are likely to come tumbling out when your child is tired, hungry, angry and just stressed out. So the chances that either one of you are actually going to be in the right frame of mind to have such a sensitive discussion are pretty slim.

Given that, the first thing you want to do is acknowledge what an important topic it is, “This sounds really important.”

Second, assure the child you will answer their questions and make a commitment to do that soon, like sometime in the next day (24 hours.) “I will sit down and talk with you about this before bedtime tomorrow night. I want to make sure we have the time to talk about this at a time when we both can focus on it.” Don’t answer spontaneously on the spur of the moment. Even if you think you might be able to handle it, don’t take the risk that you might blow it in even small ways.

Third, immediately email or call your most trusted, reliable, balanced adult confidante and start talking it through with them. Prepare, prepare, prepare...the three most important factors in discussing divorce with your child.

Prior to having this discussion with your child is a great time to refresh yourself on the developmental tasks and stressors that are a part of your child’s life just based on their age. Even though it may feel like it to you sometimes, every problem or challenge in the life of a child is not because of the divorce or separation. Clearly it’s not easy to sort out where the trigger is sometimes, but it is really important to broaden your perspective and remember that life offers its own challenges for each of us just because we are alive and on the planet and trying to live a life.

Once you have grounded yourself through dialogue with a trusted confidante and oriented yourself about ordinary developmental stressors, initiate the conversation with your child. If your preparation has been done well, you will be able to (1) stay focused on your child’s needs not your own, (2) answer their questions in a child-friendly manner that protects them from adult burdens and emotions, and (3) let them know that you have your own struggles with accepting the changes in your family.

Your goals are to (1) provide emotional support, (2) share age-appropriate information for the purpose of reducing anxiety and (3) connect as openly and honestly as you can. If the child asks about money or sex tell them those are adult matters that are the responsibility of the grown-ups - tell them that even if, or especially if, it is clear that the other parent has already told them way too many details! Somebody needs to be an adult in this situation if they are actually an adult -- meaning kids cannot be in the adult role!! You only have control of yourself so make sure that you make the right choice.

Do affirm that the changes are final and share how difficult that is.
Don’t offer false hope of reunification.

Do reassure your child in the love of both of his or her parents.
Don’t even hint that one parent is preferred over the other.

Do remind your child that the changes are not his or her fault, that they are those of the adults.
Don’t use your child as a go-between to create distance between the child and his or her other parent.