Key Factor #6 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Grievance Policy/Procedure

Consumers receiving court-ordered supervised visitation services need access to a process for expressing concerns about their case and the way it is being managed.

We have several mechanisms in place for consumer feedback. There is a Senior Supervisor on Saturday and Sunday who is assigned to assist clients with all concerns in service delivery. Program Coordinators fulfill that role Monday - Friday.

If the Senior Supervisor or a Program Coordinator cannot resolve a concern, the concern is then presented to the Program Director. If the Program Director is not able to resolve the concern, it is presented in an Executive Team meeting which includes Program Manager, Program Director, Assistant Director, and Executive Director.

If the Executive Team is unable to resolve the concern, the client makes a formal written request to the Board of Directors. That concern is then placed on the agenda for a regularly scheduled meeting of the Board, which occur quarterly.

Some items can't wait for resolution, so there is a procedure in place for Board member involvement and review outside the regular meeting schedule when an issue is time-sensitive.

Hannah's House also has a formal Feedback Procedure for Court Reports. That procedure is issued with every court report so that clients are able to quickly complete that process if they need corrections to the report or need clarification.

Family court matters are stressful enough for everyone involved without the provider adding stress to the situation by being unavailable or refusing to work toward resolving problems when they occur.

At Hannah's House, we make every effort to respect input from our clients. We welcome feedback and want to know how our services delivery, policies and procedures effect those we serve.

Key Factor #5 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Forensic Record Keeping and Reports

Forensic science is any scientific field that is applied to the field of law. In the case of supervised visitation at Hannah's House, the areas of science are social science and behavioral science. Forensic scientists are tasked with the collection, preservation, and analysis of scientific evidence during the course of an investigation and all of that evidence is.related to, used in, or suitable to a court of law.

The provision of supervised visitation services requires 100% eye shot and earshot observation and documentation. The 2015 California Rules of Court sets forth Standard 5.20.

Uniform standards of practice for providers of supervised visitation

(a) Scope of service

This standard defines the standards of practice, including duties and obligations, for providers of supervised visitation under Family Code sections 3200 and 3200.5. Unless specified otherwise, the standards of practice are designed to apply to all providers of supervised visitation, whether the provider is a friend, relative, paid independent contractor, employee, intern, or volunteer operating independently or through a supervised visitation center or agency.

The goal of these standards of practice is to assure the safety and welfare of the child, adults, and providers of supervised visitation. Once safety is assured, the best interest of the child is the paramount consideration at all stages and particularly in deciding the manner in which supervision is provided. Each court is encouraged to adopt local court rules necessary to implement these standards of practice.

Nonprofessional providers are held to the same standard as professional providers in most areas of the standard. They are not required to document, maintain records or produce reports. Only professional providers are held to the record keeping and reports portion of the standard.

5.20 requirements are detailed clearly:

(1) Professional providers must keep a record for each case, including the following:

(A) A written record of each contact and visit;

(B) Who attended the visit;

(C) Any failure to comply with the terms and conditions of the visitation; and

(D) Any incidence of abuse as required by law.

(2) Case recordings should be limited to facts, observations, and direct statements made by the parties, not personal conclusions, suggestions, or opinions of the provider. All contacts by the provider in person, in writing, or by telephone with either party, the children, the court, attorneys, mental health professionals, and referring agencies should be documented in the case file. All entries should be dated and signed by the person recording the entry.

(3) If ordered by the court or requested by either party or the attorney for either party or the attorney for the child, a report about the supervised visit must be produced. These reports should include facts, observations, and direct statements and not opinions or recommendations regarding future visitation. The original report must be sent to the court if so ordered, or to the requesting party or attorney, and copies should be sent to all parties, their attorneys, and the attorney for the child.

(4) Any identifying information about the parties and the child, including addresses, telephone numbers, places of employment, and schools, is confidential, should not be disclosed, and should be deleted from documents before releasing them to any court, attorney, attorney for the child, party, mediator, evaluator, mental health professional, social worker, or referring agency, except as required in reporting suspected child abuse.

Hannah's House has a database of clients which includes the initial phone screening, intake information, and a phone log where all phone conversations are logged. Since the advent of email and the internet, electronic documentation has become the more common method of communication and all emails communication is maintained on all clients.

Supervisors complete Activity Reports during each visit and each exchange. Documentation on the Activity Report is completed at the time of service delivery and then reviewed in a weekly Quality Assurance meeting for completeness and accuracy.

When a court report is ordered or requested by any legal party to a case, the individual activity reports are compiled into one report document and distributed to all legal parties to the case. All phone logs, emails and in-person communication is also included in the court report.

Hannah's House provides supervised exchange services that are guided by the 5.20 Standard. However, it's important for consumers to know that, as of January 1, 2015, any reference to supervised exchange in the Rule were eliminated. This means that there is no standard for supervised exchanges.

Key Factor #4 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Team Approach

When we began our research for program development in 1988, we found that one of the first common concerns expressed by the majority of parents, extended family members and professionals in the community related to the bias of professional monitors.

Users of the services experienced the providers as "taking sides." Sometimes it was a perception and sometimes it was an accurate report. We realized that there was no way in family disputes to ensure that both parties had a positive customer experience. We also realized that we had to develop a service delivery system that controlled for the perception or the reality of a professional provider "taking sides."

We decided to use a Team Approach to service delivery. This seemed like the best way to ensure that there were multiple perspectives and experiences of each family receiving services. It is human nature to become accustomed to a situation, to begin to generalize from our past experience in that situation, and then to lose accuracy and completeness in the experience.

We recognized that everyone has biases, prejudices, beliefs, and values that filter our daily experiences. It made sense to us that multiple professionals interacting with the same family would produce a much more accurate picture of parent-child relationships over time.

We also recognized that we all have had the experience of instantly liking or disliking someone. We knew this would happen for staff members and for clients. We decided early on that these responses would not dictate staffing assignments.

Staff members needs to be able to observe and document accurately regardless of personal reactions to someone. Skill development for a professional includes learning how to self-observe negative reactions to a person or behavior and then document without prejudice or editing.

Parents need to focus on just spending time with their children. Countless times over the past 27 years, parents have complained about the prejudice of a staff member. When we review the notes in these cases, 9 out of 10 times we find that the documentation provided a picture of a good parent and a positive parent-child relationship.

The parent was having a negative reaction to the Team Member and made the assumption that it meant the person didn't like the parent and that the Team Member would document with a negative tone. Imagine if we changed Team Members or assigned Team Members based on the requests of a parent. That would be bias or at the very least the appearance of bias.

Hannah's House has successfully used the Team Approach to forensic service delivery for over 27 years. We do assign one staff person to particular cases but only when there is a clearly documented medical reason for such an assignment.

We are the eyes and ears of the judge who will never meet the children, at least in most cases. We have a legal, moral, and ethical obligation to provide the clearest possible picture of the family. The Team Approach helps us meet all of these obligations in a forensically validated manner.

Key Factor #3 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Clear Policies and Procedures

Since 1988, Hannah's House has provided forensic support services to families involved in family court cases the San Diego Superior Court.

We started very small with just one family. We consulted with professionals in the community from different ares of interest:
Legal
Mental Health
Medical
Education
Law Enforcement
Employee Assistance
Nonprofit

We also identified a large group of consumers who had used forensic support services in communities throughout the country, and conducted individual interviews and surveys to determine what had helped families and what had hurt families.

It quickly became clear that there were several basic elements that had to be present in any effort to help these families:

1 Philosophy of inclusion of both parents

2 Goal of normalizing divorce, separation, and child sharing

3 Equal treatment of both parents ordered to supervised visitation

4 Focus on the here and now for parents visiting children - references to the past or the future was stressful for the child

5 Sensitivity to the appearance of bias or the appearance of a conflict of interest

6 Routine and predictability was essential for all family members

Fortunately, the co-founders of the organization came out of a military background where clear policies and procedures provided a sense of stability, continuity and teamwork.

The organization was developed with these 6 basic elements as the cornerstone. Clear, written policies and procedures were created between 1988 and 1992 as service delivery to families increased.

A community advisory group composed of the interdisciplinary team of professionals drafted policies, reviewed the implementation with families as they received services, and refined the procedures to ensure maximum effectiveness.

Many of the polices and procedures created during those early years remain unchanged today. California did not have standards for the delivery of professional supervised visitation services until 1998, originally Rules of Court 36.2, not 5.20.

Hannah's House was already meeting and exceeding those 1998 standards when they came into being. The only changes required were agreements with local law enforcement and specific abduction prevention policies that were required for agencies.

The definition of supervised visitation in the law is "contact between a noncustodial party and one or more children in the presence of a neutral third person."

There is no mention of anyone other than parent, child, neutral. By law, there is no inclusion of guests. No extended family members. No blended family members. No friends.

This basic definition is probably the best example of why clear policies and procedures are essential. There is no way to address the matter of guests in an unbiased way that ensures there is no discrimination in favor of or against a consumer unless the same rules apply to every single case and every single request.

There are 17 standards in the law, and 90 sub-standards in the Calfornia law governing the work of the professional provider of supervised visitation. Despite this attention in the law, this is a profession that is still largely unregulated.

Consumers have little or no protection from professional providers who do not follow the law, especially if the consumer has no idea that they are operating illegally. That is why it is critical for the consumer to know the law and know the legal standards.

Take a copy of Family Code 3200.5 and Rules of Court 5.20 to your orientation meeting with the professional provider you have chosen. The provider should be able to tell you the policy and procedures they have in place for each of the 17 standards and each of 90 sub-standards.

The provider must have a written contract signed by each client that details the policies and procedures of the provider. If you, the consumer, find that the provider is unable to tell you what the policies and procedures are that they follow to ensure compliance with the law, don't use them for services.

Policies and procedures established, implemented, and maintained by the professional provider of supervised visitation is the only protection the individual family member has that the child will be safe and court orders will be respected.

San Diego Superior Court does not require any proof from any person on Court Resource List. You, the parent, are the only person who can ensure the the law is followed.

Unfortunately, there are still many attorneys who are unfamiliar with the standards for the provision of these services. If you have an attorney, make sure that your attorney is familiar with the standards and that he or she is recommending a professional who is, in fact, in compliance.

The law is in place to ensure that the services are delivered properly, that orders are followed and that children are protected. Professional providers of supervised visitation should be held to the standards they have already sworn to under penalty of perjury when they made application to be included on the list provided to consumers on the San Diego Superior Court website Court Resource List.

Key Factor #2 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Controlling for Conflict of Interest and the Appearance of Conflict of Interest

The legal standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV) are specific about the types of relationships that are a conflict of interest:

(i) Conflict of interest

All providers should maintain neutrality by refusing to discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another. Any discussion between a provider and the parties should be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children. In order to avoid a conflict of interest, the professional provider should not:

(1) Be financially dependent on the person being supervised;

(2) Be an employee of the person being supervised;

(3) Be an employee of or affiliated with any superior court in the county in which the supervision is ordered unless specified in the employment contract; or

(4) Be in an intimate relationship with the person being supervised.

While this is a helpful start, there is much more that needs to be in place to control for this issue.

PPSV need to have clear, written policies and procedures in the written contract for services that is required by law in California. The contract should detail how the provider ensure neutrality. The contract should specify how the provider ensures that they will not discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another.

The provider should have clear policies about how they deal with situations where any legal party to the case attempts to disparage the other party to the provider.

Polices and procedures about the documentation of all contacts between clients and the provider should be clearly spelled out. All legal parties to the case should be confident that any discussion between a provider and the parties will be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children.

All legal parties should also be confident that 100% of any ex parte communication will be documented and reported. Because the provider is ordered as professional neutral, all communication on the case must be documented and reported.

It is important that the PPSV clarity about their role and about their scope of work. Multiple relationships with the same client are problematic because a conflict of interest is more likely to develop.

Sometimes multiple relationships develop because the PPSV has had inadequate training initially or because the PPSV does not engage in regular and transparent consultation and review of their work. The provider gradually becomes comfortable with the client or clients and moves beyond the professional role.

Typical boundary violations might include the following:
1 Changing policies and procedures because they feel that the client really needs their help
2 Taking care of the children during visits as if they are there a babysitter instead of a professional neutral
3 Helping the client with parenting tasks during the visit
4 Developing an emotionally close and physically affectionate relationship with the adult client and or the children
5 Paying for food or gas for the client when that is not the policy
6 Using ones personal car for transporting the client when that is not the policy

Serious boundary violations with a client might include the following:
1 Dating
2 Renting a room or selling a house
3 Loaning or selling a car
4 Loaning money
5 Editing documentation and court reports to protect the client
6 Refusing to do the required documentation and court reports

At Hannah's House, we have many policies and procedures in place to protect clients and to support and develop our staff.

Consumers need and deserve protection. California has laws that will do that if they are followed. Unfortunately, each of the 58 Superior Courts in the state take a slightly different approach to the Court Resource List for Professional Providers of Supervised Visitation - usually referred to as Visitation Monitors.

In San Diego, there are no requirements for inclusion on the list other than filling out and signing an affidavit under penalty of perjury that the person is qualified to do the work and will follow applicable laws. The affidavit in San Diego is the same whether the applicant is going to teach Boating Safety or be a Professional Supervised Visitation Monitor.

In other jurisdictions the court requires a variety of proofs from the provider before they can be included. Some examples are:
1 Background check / Trustline Certification
2 Insurance - auto and liability
3 Contract for Services
4 Documentation of 24 hours of training in areas specified by law

Because there are no additional protections for the consumers using providers on the San Diego Superior Court Resource List for Visitation Monitors, it is extremely important that consumers read both California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 prior to calling anyone on the list.

Preparing for interviews of a professional who will have significant responsibility for ensuring the well being and safety of your children should be high on your list of priorities as a parent with a court order for supervised visitation services.

Hannah's House meets and exceeds the 24 hour legal training requirement and we have done so since 1988, long before any standards existed.

The minimum requirement to work at Hannah's House is 24 hours of classroom training and 16 hours of hands-on practicum shadowing cases. Once this 40 hour requirement is met, the PPSV is shadowed by a experienced professional while the new trainee supervises visit. This shadowing is typically between 16 and 40 hours, depending on the trainee.

Once a supervisor is qualified for independent service delivery at Hannah's house, there is a Senior Supervisor who continues to oversee the work of all monitors during every work shift. Service delivery feedback is provided weekly, monthly and quarterly to all staff. Training is a high priority at Hannah's House.

Our experience is that it takes at least one full year of service delivery under close supervision to develop the broad and deep knowledge and skills necessary for work as an independent private monitor. This is because we take the responsibility for the protection of children very seriously.

A conflict of interest tends to develop over time and happens so slowly and subtly that the monitor is often in trouble with multiple relationships before they notice. Make sure that the PPSV you choose to safeguard your children and your family-in-transition is truly a professional neutral.

Key Factor #1 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: CONTROLLING FOR BIAS

California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 establish standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV). A search engine will readily find both. Consumers in need of these services need to understand the law.

One of the requirements of the PPSV is following all aspects of the law. Controlling for bias is one of those requirements.

Bias is a prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair. In family law cases with an order for supervised visitation, it is a PPSV who is prejudiced in favor of or against one party, the Petitioner, or the Respondent.

The only way to control for bias is to create a process that treats both parties equally from the very beginning.

Hannah's House conducts a screening with both parties prior to any face-to-face meetings. The screening may be done over the phone or via the website. The consumer chooses.

The screening is exactly the same for every person who completes it. The only differences occur because of different facts in each case. Each party on every case is given an equal opportunity to provide the necessary information.

The intake and orientation is the same for every person who completes it. Parents attend an in-person meeting. They will be in a group that includes both residential parents and visiting parents, but two parties to the same case will not participate in the same intake and orientation meeting.

Hannah's House provides supervised visitation and supervised exchanges. The variations in the intake process relate to the difference in those services.

The goal of the intake, orientation, and legal review process is to learn about the case, ensure both parties understand their rights and responsibilities, and to figure out how to keep stress down for the children.

Children are required to attend a Turtle Tour orientation. This provides the child with the opportunity to meet the Human and the Animal Staff, and to explore the family rooms, art and music room, and the snack shop!

The Turtle Tour is required so that children know in advance where they will be coming and what the place and the people are like. This helps control for bias because staff is assured the child is familiar with the setting so staff can just focus on the transitions from one parent to another.

100% of contact between Staff and clients is documented. Email, phone logs, and activity reports are completed at the time of contact.

All activity reports are reviewed weekly by a Quality Assurance Team in a regular QA meeting. The purpose of the review is to ensure accuracy and completeness in the documentation, and to identify any client or staff discrepancies that require intervention beyond that which occurred during service delivery.

The QA team consists of the Assistant Executive Director, Program Director, Program Manager, Program Coordinator - Scheduling, Program Coordinator - Reports and Record Keeping, and any PPSV who wants to attend.

Clients and staff members with discrepancies that occurred during service delivery during the previous week will be contacted by a staff person to address the discrepancy. Typically this contact occurs within 24-48 hours following the meeting.

There is a Quality Control function built into the system to ensure that the discrepancy contacts are made, completed, and documented for each client and staff person identified.

Hannah's House is a forensic social service agency where everything that is said and done can potentially become part of legal proceeding. We take that responsibility seriously and the first step in ensuring forensic accuracy in our service delivery is controlling for bias.

Key Factors for Hannah’s House Professional Supervised Visitation Services

Hannah's House provide services to parents who mistrust and/or dislike each other. Our job is to be a professional neutral. We must establish rapport and some basic trust with each parent, without creating mistrust on the part of the other parent.

Parents come to us from an adversarial experience where one of them 'won' and one of them 'lost'.

Sometimes the 'winner' comes out of court with the idea that they are in control of the situation. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

Sometimes the 'loser' comes out of court with the idea that they are criminal or least being treated like a criminal. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

In other words, the judge has made orders that accord rights and responsibilities for parenting and coparenting that apply equally to both parents.

We focus on several important factors to accomplish our goal of building rapport and creating trust:

1 Controlling for bias
2 Preventing conflict of interest
(including appearance of conflict of interest)
3 Clear policies and procedures
4 Team approach
5 Forensic reports and record keeping
6 Grievance policy/procedure
7 Standardization

Over the next several days I will talk about each one of these factors and discuss the policies, procedures and rationale for each one of them.

Questioning Children in Supervised Visitation: Guidance for Moms and Dads

Supervised visitation can be a challenge in a number of ways. One of those is figuring out what questions are okay to ask your child and which ones need to be avoided.

The purpose of supervised visitation to to ensure that the parent-child relationship is safe and protected and as nurturing as possible for the child.

Part of protecting the child is making sure they are not put in the position of feeling caught in the middle in any way between the two parents!

Questions should be asked in a way that does not limit the Child’s response to giving only specific information OR require the Child to provide details about the other parent's life/home!

Some of the examples below are based on the parent already having information about the child.

OKAY (general & child-oriented)
How is school?
What is your favorite subject?
Did you have a good week?
Are those new shoes? They look really nice!
Did you have a nice vacation?
Did you get a haircut?
Have you had lunch yet? If not, let's eat together.
Did your doctor’s appointment go ok?
Did you have fun with your friends at school today? (On a school night)

NOT OKAY (specific & detail-oriented)
Where do you go to school?
What is your teacher’s name?
Who brought you to the visit?
Are those new shoes? Who gave you those shoes?Where did you go on vacation? Who went? How did you travel?
Who cut your hair?
Have you had lunch yet? When and where did you eat lunch?
What doctor did you go to?Who are your friends at school?

Children in supervised visitaiton can initiate any topic they want, including information they should not give!!

If the other parent has sole legal custody, do not allow the Child to give any details about school, dentist, doctor, coaches, troop leaders, teachers, etc. even if the Child is the one initiating.

Either the parent or the Supervisor should gently but quickly interrupt the Child to prevent the disclosure. If Child discloses info, the Supervisor will write a note to the other parent about it and pass it at end of visit. This is done to protect everyone in the situation.

By the way, it is equally important that the child not be grilled with questions by the other parent once the supervised visitation is over. Children need to be greeted with a warm smile, hug and an invitation to reconnect and move on with the day.

Cordial and Business-Like: How to do Coparenting Meetings Without Losing Your Mind

Most parents don't even think about "The Coparenting Relationship" when they are living in the same household sharing the parenting of a child. That relationship exists but it is so interwoven into the fabric of the couple relationship that it is hard to separate it from all the other ways in which the couple are connected to each other. So the transition from coparenting under the same roof to coparenting in different homes is complicated. Most people find it challenging to keep their feelings about the failure of their couplehood out of the discussion of issues dealing only with the child when they first make that transition. You will hear advice like "be cordial" ... "be business-like" ... "be civil." All good advice! But not so easy to do sometimes when the feelings you're carrying around are both intense and unpredictable.

While your child is learning the skills of successfully going back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, you are trying to learn the skills of coparenting with someone you may not trust or like or respect anymore. Some of those skills include: (1)defining and sticking to a clear agenda before discussions; (2) establishing and following ground rules for good coparenting communication; (3) taking a break when either person gets off topic or violates a ground rule; and (4) holding all non-emergency issues for the next scheduled coparenting meeting.

No matter how motivated a parent may be in this situation, too often the impulsive verbal or written jab is thrown and cannot be taken back. Just that quickly, damage is done to a relationship already fragile and struggling. Facilitated coparenting meetings are one of the tools offered at Hannah's House to help parents make the transition to face to face meetings and child exchanges. A facilitated meeting is conducted by an expert in both child development and family transitions. Each parent completes a list of issues they would like to discuss in the initial meeting. The coparenting facilitator compiles a rank-ordered agenda based on the highest priority issues for the particular family situation and provides that back to each coparent. The facilitator also gives each coparent some basic ground rules that will be followed during the meeting.

Most coparents find that a once a month meeting works well for approximately the first three-six months following the initial family transition then every other month for about six months. Some parents are able to meet on their own fairly early on in a cordial, civil and business-like fashion, with the help of friends, family and professionals. For those that are concerned about their ability to do that on their own immediately, the facilitated coparenting meeting is a resource available that can help parents avoid any pitfalls and land mines during the first meetings following the transition. Coparenting meetings, phone calls and emails are not the place to try to deal with your unresolved issues and feelings left over from your couple relationship. Do that in therapy, with your friends and family, or in your journal. Those adult issues have no place in the middle of a relationship that exists for the sole purpose of providing care for your child so don’t do it. If you can’t hold the boundaries, for the sake of your child, then admit it and let someone else take that responsibility for you...at least at the beginning.

Coparenting is a challenge but it does get easier. There really is a set of skills you can master, with time and practice.

Children Need Relationships with Both Parents

Coparenting is a critical aspect of all of our lives. All children are conceived by at least two parents. In the case of adoption, surrogacy, and other family constellations some start out with more than two.

Research over the last 30 years has pushed and pulled family professionals toward the understanding that virtually all children will be coparented and virtually all families coparent.

Coparents who compete with each other by trying to have the child become an ally with one parent against the other provide an unsafe family structure for the child.

The child is left with few options except: (1) to become a go-between, (2) to choose one parent over the other, or (3) withdraw from both parents at least in any genuine sense of connection.

A coparent who tries to eliminate the competition by alienating or estranging the children from the other coparent risks alienating or estranging the child from parts of him or herself as the child struggles for a sense of identity in an unsafe and unbalanced family system.

Children need a protective family structure and coparenting is especially important in providing the safety, security and continuity so critical to the child's healthy development.

If you can't respect and cooperate with your coparent, then shift your perspective and try respecting and cooperating with the part of your child that needs his or her own experience of that other parent in order to develop a strong, clear and autonomous sense of self in the world.

When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about the other coparent, try inserting your child's name and face instead.

Cooperative coparenting is about valuing the needs of the child and respecting all of who your child is, not just the part that you contributed.

Navigating the aftermath of the break up of a family is difficult for everyone. At least the grown ups have tools and resources to find their way. The children do not. They are relying on us, the grown ups, to support them in finding their way.

High Conflict Coparenting

High Conflict Coparents become locked in conflict that significantly impairs the child and his or her development. The adversarial system contributes to conflict. One or both parents may have a personality disorder.

Once two parents become actively engaged in conflict with each other, it is certain that the child is living in an environment of hostility, revenge-seeking, and emotional reactivity.

The adversarial legal system is where high conflict coparenting begins for many parents. There is a winner and a loser, and it’s a Winner-Takes-All system, all too often. Sole custody has been shown to create conflict and to exacerbate conflict. Limiting a parents involvement in a child’s life increases hostility between the parents. And research has demonstrated that conflict between parents increases in sole custody arrangements.

Research has also demonstrated that the conflict decreases over time with a shared custody arrangement. This makes sense. If loss of a child is not at issue, fear and anxiety and anger and conflict will go down.

The personality of the parent plays a significant role in many High Conflict Coparenting relationships. Parents who have significant deficits in the development of healthy narcissism during his or her own childhood will not cope well with the challenges of the adversarial court system. These are people more likely to experience failed relationships so, of course, they are more likely to end up in a family break-up.

Parents who were raised with unhealthy narcissism are not able to feel good about him or herself unless there is an overall negative approach to relationships, both with one’s self and with others. Healthy narcissism is at the heart of normal self-esteem, positive feelings, appropriate self-regulation, and the positive investment in good relationships.

The combination of an adversarial approach to resolving family tensions and parental deficits in the area of healthy narcissism prove to be deadly for the children. The children in these High Conflict Coparenting relationships become collateral damage as the parents engage in mutual self-destruction using each other and their little ones as weapons.

There is an assumption, based on decades of research, that shared parenting is in the best interest of the child. Most family law cases will eventually reach that goal. Some will not, and some should not. If a parent is unable or unwilling to even try to understand that a child cannot grow up healthy when a parent literally hates half of who that child is, and is intent on destroying that half of the child, the parent needs to be removed from the child’s life.

Fortunately, most parents love for their child is larger, deeper, greater, than their hatred for the other parent. Over time, most parents learn how to put the child’s need for wholeness and healthy self-esteem above the need of the parent to be right, to be the best, to be the winner – no matter the cost.

Parents are often shocked to discover that they can be removed from their child’s life as a result of accusations made in open court without any presentation of evidence – at least not Law & Order or CSI evidence.

Most parents come to family court expecting American-style justice:

1 Innocent until proven guilty

2 Systemic commitment to justice for litigants

3 Ability to face the accuser

4 Beyond a shadow of the doubt

Coparenting decisions in family court are made based on some basic considerations:

1 Best interest of the child - laws are crafted to protect the child, not the parent

2 Shared parenting - preference will be given to the parent who demonstrates the ability to share the child

It can be impossible to find a peaceful resolution to a family conflict when litigation in open court occurs. The family will never know what post-break-up life could be like if the war had not occurred. Some parents will get there as they move through the process. Some will not.

If parents are still as emotional and reactive at 1 year, post-break-up as they were at the beginning, it’s safe to assume that 1 or both of them are actively engaged in High Conflict Coparenting. It does not mean they are both doing it. It does not mean it is mutual. It may be, but it is very difficult to coparent with a High Conflict Personality.

We need to make a distinction between High Conflict Coparenting - both parents are initiating the conflict and coparenting with a High Conflict Personality - one parent is initiating the conflict and the other parent is reacting and managing the conflict poorly.

There are hallmarks of the High Conflict relationship:
1 Using the child as a weapon, a messenger, a companion, a best friend

2 Hostility, mistrust, blaming, anger, dishonesty

3 Rules and expectations that are competitive, confusing and create chaos between the two homes

4 Scheduling and exchanges are chaotic and unpredictable

5 Power struggles occur in almost every point of contact between the two homes: clothes, haircuts, tooth brushing, diet, backpacks, toys, trimming of the finger and toe nails, cleanliness of the ears and hair, strip-down searches for any mark of any kind on the body of the child, and on and on and on and on

6 Parents focus on manipulating the child rather than nurturing the child

7 The child is torn, insecure, caught in the middle, anxious/withdrawn, sad/angry, acting out, focused on the parents

If you or someone you care about is in the midst of a High Conflict Coparenting relationship, do something, say something, take action. There are resources for these families in every community. It is possible to intervene and help all of the family members.

The child only has so much resilience. There is a limit. Once that limit has been reached, the results for the child are devastating for a lifetime.

Parallel Coparenting

Parallel coparenting is a model where the two homes -- just like parallel lines -- do not intersect. The only intersection is the child moving back and forth between the two homes.

This model is beneficial to a child when the unresolved differences between the two parents create chronic tension for the child or when the conflict flares in front of the child.

The goal of this model is to reduce the chronic psychological and emotional tension for the child (also known as child abuse) and to eliminate exposure to parental conflict (also known as Inter-Personal Violence (IPV)).

Some people object to the use of the words child abuse and violence because they believe that only the use of physical force to inflict pain should be called abusive or violent.

Child abuse includes any form of deliberate and/or ongoing infliction of psychological or emotional pain. For over two decades, researchers have documented the radical impairments that occur in the brain development of children who live with chronic hostile psychological and emotional abuse.

Parents must get the child out of the middle when contact between the two parents is hostile, whether that hatred and hostility is silent and cold, or loud and hot.

Parallel coparenting is the model that will protect the child caught in the middle. This model allows the child to experience calm, a sense of relief, and the ability to use his or her energy for being a child: exploring, experiencing, learning, growing, and just being a kid.

Unresolved differences occur for many reasons but here are some examples.
1 Unplanned pregnancy
Parents had a brief or superficial relationship when the child was conceived. Not only do the parents have nothing in common, they actually hold radically different world views and beliefs about people.

2 Deceit
Sometimes parents have led a double life with their intimate partner during a relationship. Depending on many factors, that deceit may have inflicted such a deep wound that healing is very difficult.

3 Domestic Violence (DV) / Substance Abuse (SA) / Mental Illness (MI)
When there is a specific pattern and problem which has led to the break-up of the family, the restructuring process can take anywhere form 18 months to 3 years. DV, SA, and MI are three such situations. Children cannot be exposed to the high emotion of parents with this kind of history. It’s just too much pressure for the child.

There are many other situations where parallel coparenting is the best choice, sometimes for a period of time that allows cooling down, healing and moving on. For some families, this model will be long term.

Parents who practice this model rarely have communication between the homes. Both parents take equal responsibility to be on time and at the right place for pick-ups and drop-offs. Parents only make direct contact in an emergency situation so there is no uncertainty about the nature of or reason for the contact.

Specific and non-negotiable parenting plans work best for these families.

Contact between the two homes is via email or Our Family Wizard (OFW) or Talking Parents. Communications are direct, brief and respectful. All communication is child-focused.
Parallel Coparents have separate and clear rules in each house. Children cope extremely well when they know what to expect.

Both parents take equal responsibility for clarity in their own home and neither parent disparages the rules in the other parent’s home.

Decision making is made in each home and conferring is rare. If there are shared expenses, parents establish a specific method to deal with that and do not deviate. Some parallel coparents attend all of the child’s appointments together, and some take turns.

Parallel coparents have clearly defined boundaries for transitions between the homes and for any joint activity that may occur with the child.

Facilitated coparenting meetings are the only way that Parallel Coparents engage. There is a clear agenda for the meeting and the facilitator manages the communication.

Parents who choose parallel coparenting are unable to achieve basic respect and cooperation, usually due to significant, unresolved relationship issues. They choose to parent the child separately in each home with very little contact with the other parent because they understand that the child needs peace and calm and permission to love both parents.

Cooperative Coparenting

Most parents eventually adopt a cooperative model of coparenting. Over time, they are both able to adapt to the dramatic restructuring of the family. They each learn to navigate the strong emotions, and slowly begin to move on with their lives. Each parent makes changes within him or herself, in direct response to the changes without.

Cooperative coparenting takes courage because it means taking risks and making yourself vulnerable. The other parent may not change, at least not right away. The other parent may take advantage. The other parent may exploit your openness.

But your children will see you change. Your children will see that you continue to be a good person even when you are treated poorly. Your children will see that you care about your own behavior, you take responsibility for your choices, and you try to make good choices.

Somebody has to have the courage to start. Parents who move from the anxiety and uncertainty of transitional coparenting to the calm and peace of cooperative take risks. They take those risks because their love for their children is bigger than their desire for revenge or holding onto resentments.

Motivation for change is unique to each person.

For some, it’s a matter of economy of resources – all of them! “I only have so much time, energy and money, and I don’t want to invest any of it in negativity.”

For others, it’s a matter of a change in perspective. “I need to take control of my life. I need to stop blaming and start taking responsibility.”

For still others, it’s the children. A day comes when a parent really sees or hears the hurt and pain that the adult conflict is causing in the child.

Making a choice to be cooperative begins a process that can change everything again.

The act of making a request instead of a demand creates uncertainty that can begin a positive change in the coparenting relationship.

Saying “yes” instead of “no” creates good will in the relationship.

Offering important coparenting information, without being asked or demanded or required, creates an opening to rebuild trust.

Apologizing for your bad behavior opens the possibility that you will be given the benefit of the doubt next time you make a mistake.

Cooperative coparents are able to have frequent and direct communication. They strive for uniform rules and expectations between the homes. They engage in joint decision-making and practice flexible scheduling between the homes for the child’s needs.

Cooperative coparents have informal meetings without the child present to make sure the lines of communication are open. Decisions are child-focused and parenting plans can be general and negotiable.

Cooperative coparents learn to achieve and maintain respect for each other.

Cooperative coparents appreciate the importance of the other parent for the well-being of the child.

Cooperative coparents value regular communication about the coparenting needs of the child because it makes the child feel loved, cared for, and secure in the world.

Parents don’t start out being cooperative coparents immediately after the break-up of the family. Some parents know they want that. Some parents know they will achieve it. But most parents gradually find their way to cooperative because something motivates them to make that choice.

Remember that cooperative coparenting is a choice. But some parents will not make that choice. They won’t make it because they cannot forgive and move on. Some parents try very hard to make that choice but find that some acts are unforgiveable. Some choices are hard to accept. The pain fades with time, but the act does damage.

Sometimes, there needs to be a period of parallel coparenting while time passes and the hurts heal. Tomorrow we’ll look more closely at the choice of parallel coparenting. Making the right choice at the right time is important because trying to be a cooperative coparent with a coparent who can only respond with conflict, can be detrimental to a child.

Self-Soothing and Self-Control - Let's Do It!

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

Parents of 2-home children are sometimes anxious about the lack of contact with a child when that child is in the care of the other parent.

Note that it is the parent who is anxious here, not necessarily the child!

If you find yourself anxious about your child when your child is with your coparent, stop and ask yourself some questions before reaching out to your child:

1 When was the last time you were with your child?

2 Has more time passed since you were with your child than has ever passed in the life of the child without contact with you?

3 Has your child ever been with a grandparent or other trusted caretaker longer than the child has been with the other coparent in this particular instance?

4 How long will it be before you are with your child again?

5 Is the amount of time you have to wait to be with your child again longer than the child has ever gone without seeing you?

6 Is your child verbal? Can your child say "I miss mommy/daddy?" Can your child say "Can I call mommy/daddy?" If so, let them.

7 Is your child capable of self-control?

8 Is your child capable of self-soothing?

9 Is your child capable of getting his or her needs met by an adult?

Most of the time, the anxiety problem is in the parent not in the child. If the parent gives into their own anxiety and acts out as if the child is incapable of waiting and delaying gratification, then the child certainly can learn to be anxious and demanding.

And it's the parent who is modeling his or her own inability to wait, to delay gratification.

Life requires all of us to bear the discomfort of uncertainty or longing from time to time. It is ordinary and part of the human condition. It is not extraordinary, or traumatic, or horrible.

Check yourself, mom and dad. If you are anxious, admit it and deal with it. Don't make it your child's issue!

Parenting Means Saying "I'm Sorry"

Here is a summary of some great information on the importance of parents saying "I'm sorry" when they hurt a child's feelings.

If you want good communication with your child, if you want your child to open up to you, if you want to be that person your child turns to when they need to talk something over...make sure you say I'm sorry when social graces demands it.

'Sorry' doesn't heal children's hurt, but it mends relations

University of Virginia

Most adults know that a quick apology for a minor transgression, such as bumping into someone, helps maintain social harmony. The bumped-into person feels better, and so does the person who did the bumping. It's all part of the social norm.

But do apologies have this effect on children?

A new University of Virginia psychology study, published this week in the journal Social Development, shows that apologies are important even to children who are 6 or 7 years old, an age when they are undergoing dramatic and important changes in cognitive development - when they are moving from their preschool years to middle childhood and are building social skill foundations that will last a lifetime.

"What was surprising was that children who experienced a minor transgression and heard an apology felt just as bad as those who did not hear an apology," said Marissa Drell, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology at UVA and the study's lead author. "But those who heard the transgressor say, 'I'm sorry' actually shared more with that person later. The apology repaired the relationship even though it did not mitigate their hurt feelings."

Drell set up a situation where children were the victims of a minor accident. The children and an adult research assistant were asked to build towers out of plastic cups. As the child neared completion of his or her tower, the adult asked to borrow a cup from the child, and in so doing toppled the child's tower. She either apologized or said nothing, and then left the room.

Later, when children were asked how they felt, those who received an apology reported feeling just as bad as those who did not. But when deciding how many stickers to give to the research assistant, those who heard an apology were more generous.

"Even though an apology didn't make children feel better, it did help to facilitate forgiveness," Drell said. "They seem to have recognized it as a signal that the transgressor felt bad about what she had done and may have been implicitly promising not to do it again."

There was one form of amends that resulted in an even better outcome: Children who had their towers knocked over and then received the transgressor's help in partially rebuilding it both felt better and shared more with her.

"Restitution - some sort of active effort to make repairs after a transgression - can make the victim feel better because it may undo some of the harm, and it can repair the relationship by showing the transgressor's commitment to it," Drell said.

The paper, Drell, M.B., Jaswal, V.K. (2015), Making amends: Children's expectations about and responses to apologies, Social Development, doi: 10.1111/sode.12168, is available here.

Self Control and Self Soothing

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.