Allergies and Coparenting

Many parents sharing custody of a child argue about allergies. What is serious? What is mild? How do we decide to test?

Here are listings of MILD and SEVERE symptoms. A good start for a Mom and Dad who view the symptoms differently is to start a checklist and do it consistently. If both parents commit to recording symptoms in the MILD and SEVERE categories, you will be able to let the child's physician see the picture much more clearly.

MILD symptoms may include one or more of the following:

1 Hives (reddish, swollen, itchy areas on the skin)
2 Eczema (a persistent dry, itchy rash)
3 Redness of the skin or around the eyes
4 Itchy mouth or ear canal
5 Nausea or vomiting
6 Diarrhea
7 Stomach pain
8 Nasal congestion or a runny nose
9 Sneezing
10 Slight, dry cough
11 Odd taste in mouth
12 Uterine contractions

SEVERE symptoms may include one or more of the following:

1 Obstructive swelling of the lips, tongue, and/or throat
2 Trouble swallowing
3 Shortness of breath or wheezing
4 Turning blue
5 Drop in blood pressure (feeling faint, confused, weak, passing out)
6 Loss of consciousness
7 Chest pain
8 A weak or “thread” pulse
9 Sense of “impending doom”

Coparents need to collaborate on the topic of symptoms and allergies. Children need to be free of pressure about the topic. Some parents are so anxious about the difference of opinion between Moms House and Dads House that they actually create anxiety in the child.

Make a list of symptoms, document dates and times, observe possible triggers. Do this for at least 90 days before even raising the topic with the other parent. If you have a good-enough relationship to sit down together in a neutral place, schedule the time and do it. If you don't get along, then find someone who can facilitate the meeting.

Facilitated coparenting meetings is one of the services offered by the Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House.

Infant Care Parenting Class at Transitions Family Program

Parenting is a challenging task for any parent. It's especially true when a parent has a new born and no experience with parenting.

When you add the stress and uncertainty of a custody/visitation dispute and family court involvement, the challenges for Mom, Dad, and the baby become overwhelming very quickly.

This class is designed to assist parents to address all the special concerns of the new parent with a very young infant to care for, and help them develop the strategies and skills necessary to get on track with infant parenting.

While this class can be a benefit to any new parent, our primary interest is in new parents who are integrating a new baby and a family breakup and/or custody/visitation issue.

What do infants need?

1 Both parents in their lives.

2 Opportunity to learn about themselves by exploring the world in collaboration with parents.

3 Parents who honor his or her contribution to the beauty of this new life.

4 Parents who embrace the responsibility to honor his or her choice to create that life.

5 A secure attachment to each parent, which is the single greatest protection a child can receive.

SESSION TOPICS
1 Health & Safety Basics of Infant Care

2 Developmental Stages & Tasks for Your Baby

3 Stress Management Tool Box for Parents - The Power of Parental Warmth

4 Answer to the question: “Is It Normal for My Baby To ...”

5 Understand Healthy Boundaries and Learn Techniques to Establish Positive Parenting Routines for You & Your Baby

6 Develop the Skills to Coparent Your Infant

Facilitated coparenting meetings are the final step in the infant class. Sometimes the other parent refuses to participate, and we will work to achieve at least one meeting.

Our goal is to help the parents come together with a focus on the child, not each other.

If you or a friend is in a situation like this, reach out today to learn more about the class and the facilitated coparenting meetings.

To get the conversation started, complete the online information form atwww.TransitionsFamilyProgram.org.

Email: TransitionsSD@gmail.com

Self-Control and Self-Soothing - Important Skills for Children

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.
The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves and learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

If our child sees and hears us over react to unexpected schedule changes, rant and rave when our boss or coworker disappoints us, yell or scream at other drivers on the freeway, and rush around like a maniac because we lost control of our time...how can we expect our children to do anything else.

If you are an adult who needs to learn more skills for self-soothing and self-control, acknowledge it. Being honest with our self about our mistakes, deficits, limitations can be humbling and challenging. And that is exactly what parents do when they are serious about raising a child.

Children and parents experiencing the breakup of the family need care, attention, support, and nurturing. If that need is met early in the breakup process, the outcome for everyone is better. Children have needs every single day. Unlike adults, they are unable to wait to play, rest, read, study, go to the doctor, go to the dentist, and navigate multiple developmental stressors.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers many services for parents, families, children, couples, blended families, and coparents in every stage of coparenting from cooperative to high conflict. This program exists to ensure that specialized forensic clinical services are available to any and all family court-involved parents and children in San Diego County.

Protective Factors During Family Breakup: Routine VS Chaos

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a legal perspective.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children.

If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship.

For parents who are divorcing, UpToParents.org is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes.

For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, ProudToParent.org is an excellent resource.

Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process for many families but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Some attorneys offer consultation to educate parents about the process before reaching agreements about representation. Some attorneys provide limited scope representation on specific matters which can be a good way to preserve both emotional and financial resources for your family.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings.

Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

Parents can all too easily find the public voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will.

So, it is important to acknowledge that the only reason that the Family Court system gets deeply involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so.

Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, the level of protection requested from the the court is not truly necessary to protect the child, but rather it is done to protect and soothe the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child.

Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes. Work at staying calm and making informed decisions.

Family Breakup and the Power of Parents: Healthy Bonds OR Unhealthy Alliances?

Most coparents are aware of the challenges children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce.

Some children feel caught in the middle of this conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one.

Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child.

Some parents, most unintentionally in moments of extreme emotion, exploit the child's vulnerability to meet the needs of the parent. These parents exploit their child because the adult does not recognize or does not respect the responsibility of the parent as the authority figure in the relationship.

Why? Parents have deficits. Things that did not go well for them when they were children. They may have had an overly permissive or an authoritarian parent. The permissive parent treats the child as if the s/he is an equal in the relationship, so the child receives no guidance, structure, or support for development. The authoritarian parent treats the child as if s/he is incompetent and incapable, so the child receives no opportunities to learn self-soothing and self-control.

The primary reason parents exploit their power over the child does not come from a deficit in loving. It comes from a deficit in the ability to parent.

A parent who IS adequately child-focused, and struggling to raise up a child who is feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1 You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will. Just go be a kid!

2 You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you!

3 Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility and it's a grown-up issue. Go play!

4 It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore. Let us take care of that!

5 I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy bonds for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child. The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who IS NOT adequately child-focused, and struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly exploit the child's worry:

1 You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2 I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me when you're not here.

3 Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4 I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5 I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy alliance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent.

The message is clear that the only choice available to this child is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy bonds for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create an unhealthy alliance with your child against the other parent/home, which reinforces loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy. You owe it to yourself and to your child!

Don't Become An Adversary To Your Child

Family breakup is a disruptive process that feels chaotic for all family members, and traumatic for some. Parents are responsible to work together to make sure that everyone in the family makes a successful transition to a new family structure that feels safe and secure and loving.

Some parents are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for this basic parenting role. Instead they invest energy in blame, sabotage and competition. The traditional adversarial Family Court process sets up and reinforces this win/lose approach to sharing children, resulted in children who feel divided and conflicted. It is easy for parents to get swept up in the contest to present the most compelling story to a theoretically neutral judge who decides whether Mom or Dad is the most convincing. In criminal systems, this process is sometimes referred to as accusatorial.

When accused, our immediate reaction is to defend. Especially when our bond to our child is at stake. Yet, investing in defense, documentation, zealous representation and advocacy does not leave resources of time or money for parenting. Children can't be put on a shelf while Mom and Dad fight it out. As difficult as it is, at least one parent needs to focus on the immediate daily needs and routines of the child or the outcome will be defeat for the little ones, regardless of which parent "wins."

You chose each other to co-create a child. The history and the details of your personal choice are matters for you to explore and understand, not stories to be used to injure, exploit, and harm your child.

Here is a list of "don'ts" for you, if you are the parent who is serious about protecting your child and truly placing your child's needs above the competition and battle between you and your coparent:

1 Don't say negative things to your children about your coparent.
2 Don't interfere with or limit your child's time with your coparent.
3 Don't block phone messages, letters, cards, or gifts from your coparent.
4 Don't make it difficult for your child to reach and communicate with your coparent.
5 Don't express displeasure when your child talks about or shows pictures of time with your coparent. Don't detach from your child when he shows affection for or says positive things about your coparent.
6 Don't say or imply that your coparent doesn't love your child.
7 Don't create situations that pressure your child to reject your coparent or to choose you instead.
8 Don't say things to make your child feel unsafe or insecure with your coparent.
9 Don't confide in your child about adult matters that your child shouldn't know, like marital concerns or financial disputes.
10 Don't ask your child to spy on or secretly obtain information about your coparent and report back to you.
11 Don't ask your child to keep secrets from your coparent about things your coparent should have been informed about.
12 Don't refer to your coparent by their first name or by a formal address and their last name (e.g. Ms Smith) when talking to your child.
13 Don't refer to your new partner or spouse as Mom or Dad and expect your child to do the same.
14 Don't pressure your child to rely only on your opinion and approval.
15 Don't encourage your child to disregard or think less of your coparent's rules, values, and authority.
16 Don't make it hard for your child or make your child feel bad about spending time with your coparent's extended family.
17 Don't create situations in which your child will be angry with or hurt by your coparent.

Many parents who read this list find themselves repeatedly saying or thinking "But..." "But..." "But..." That is the nature of an adversarial/accusatorial system of problem resolution. When you find yourself defending and reacting, take a deep breath and shift your focus and energy to your child!

Focus on being positive, taking the high road, and being fully present to love and nurture your child when you are with them.

Is It Child Abuse?

A 5 year old returns to his mother's house and asks his step-father, "does my mommy really love my daddy more than she loves you?"

An 8 year old returns from a week-end spent with her father, and tells her mother "it's your fault that daddy doesn't have any money anymore."

A 14 year old, angry when her father won't buy her a new cell phone, tells her father "you're a loser anyway who can't even pay child support and spends all your money on your girlfriend."

The parent who hears such words from a child rarely reacts in a helpful way to the child because it is so clear the child is echoing something heard in the home of the other parent. And the immediate response is almost always in reaction to the other parent, as the parent demands "why would your mommy tell you that?" Or exclaims "your daddy has plenty of money?" Or sarcastically says "gee, I wonder where you heard that?!"

Parents who speak negatively to their children or even in front of their children about the child's other parent are engaging in destructive, even emotionally abusive, behaviors. For most parents, these moments are rare and typically occur only in the first few months of the transition from living together in one home to living apart in two homes. During the early transitions days and weeks of the family break up, these hurtful disclosures are also rarely intentional and most parents regret the words almost as soon as they are spoken when they realize the hurt they have inflicted on their child.

Unfortunately about 10-15% of parents struggling with family break up either don't notice that they are hurting their child, or they don't care because they place a much higher priority on making sure that the child knows which one of their parents is good and which one is bad, which one is right and which one is wrong. These parents have deficits, either temporary or permanent, that prevent them from being able to protect their children from abuse and maltreatment.

So why isn't it child abuse when a parent repeatedly engages in behavior that is clearly harmful to the child? The answer is complicated. Children are rarely protected from the psychological and/or emotional abuse of a parent, whether the family situation emerges in a Juvenile Court context (Welfare & Institutions Code) and or in a Family Court context (Family Code.) The exception in both Juvenile Court and Family Court is domestic violence.

Children exposed to domestic violence in the home are considered to have been victims of child abuse and the law requires that those children be protected from further abuse. Exposure includes visual and/or auditory and does not include any physical abuse of the child.

Domestic violence exposure was not always considered to be child abuse. It came to be categorized as child abuse as a direct result of research documenting the devastating effects on children exposed to parental violence. The harm to these child victims of exposure to domestic violence occurred regardless of whether the domestic violence between the adults included physical harm to one of the adults.

Perhaps the research on parental psychological/emotional abuse will eventually result in similar changes to the law in order to protect children exposed to such destructive behaviors from a life time of problems startlingly similar to those documented in children exposed to parental domestic violence:
1 low self-esteem leading to depression and alcohol/drug addiction;
2 relationship difficulties involving psychological control and manipulation; and
3 excessive dependency on others for approval and attention that prevents self-sufficiency and adequate adult adjustment.

Parents who use negative strategies with the intent of harming the child's relationship with their other parent, can be considered to be psychologically maltreating their children. The expression of these strategies inevitably and directly results in children feeling worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting another's needs, a commonly accepted definition of psychological maltreatment.

Parents who use psychologically and emotionally abusive strategies to hurt the child's relationship with the other parent also behave in other ways that add the child's feeling of being abused and mistreated. They intrude on the child's life in every area in order to prevent the child from feeling comfortable or safe anywhere except in the presence of the abusive parent.

Parents who abuse their children lack empathy and are unable to accept or acknowledge any needs or perceptions the child may express that are different form those of the parent. This lack of empathy and intolerance of interpersonal differences are the hallmarks of the child abuser.

For now, it is an unusual experience for a child victim of psychologically and emotionally destructive parental behaviors to be removed from or protected from the abusive, intrusive parent. The parent's constitutional rights usually take precedence over the child's need for safety and security because there is not adequate proof or belief that the child needs protection.

When a judge does see and understand the profound psychological damage to the child, they find themselves stuck for adequate intervention strategies. In most communities, there just are not adequate resources available to provide all members of an estranged and traumatized family with any hope of finding some peace and resolution. Hopefully, these community challenges will be addressed. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House has created a Comprehensive Family Restructuring Program with integrated Family Support Teams designed to help heal such family wounds.

These real world realities and limitations do not change the fact that it's child abuse. Any parenting behavior engaged in with the intent of doing harm to a child's sense of love, safety and well-being in their family relationships is, in fact, child abuse. Perhaps it's time to just call it what it is instead of denying it. Like any real problem that interferes with a positive life, the first step to being able to solve a problem is to admit that it is a problem.