Good-Enough Parenting is Great!

This is not the kind of saying you are going to find on a coffee mug or a t-shirt. But this is the stuff that great kids are made of! The good-enough parent. Not the best. Not the greatest. Just good enough. Unfortunately this is not even something that most parents would set as a goal. Culturally, socially, it's just not what parents say. Think about it - can you imagine telling someone that your highest aspiration as a parent it to be adequate and that you hold as your highest goal to just do a satisfactory job as parent.

But the truth of the matter is that we would all be better off if adequate and satisfactory performance were highly prized in the parenting role. There is an abundance of research and clinical experience about dysfunctional families that details the devastation of perfectionism in family life. Demands for perfectionism are laden with shame and blame; sarcasm and rage; denigration and its fragile mirror image of idealization. In other words, striving for perfection in the parenting role inevitably means that when we blow it, which of course we will, then we are failures and that is an emotional experience that is tough to cope with for anyone.

Parenting is full of challenges for co-parents living together and working together to raise their children. When co-parents live in separate homes with separate lives, goals and aspirations and the children are going back and forth between the two homes, the challenges increase exponentially. For example, a common problem that occurs is that some co-parents compete with each other for the children's affections by being overly permissive. Some parents do it consciously with clear intent and some don't even realize they are doing it. For example, a child tells a parent that the other parent "never lets me have dessert," so the receiving parent says "oh, you poor thing, that's just not right;" and proceeds to over indulge the child with sweets. Whether consciously directed as retaliation/compensation or not, the impact on that child is negative.

Most parents know that consistency, routine, love and support are important in raising children. But having that knowledge and gaining the skills we need as parents to actually do the work of raising well-adjusted children are very different. For example, consistency is a skill of the good-enough parent, and rigidity is a trait of the perfectionist parent. How can you tell if you are being consistent or being rigid? Pay attention to your level of stress, emotional distress, and how you feel when your child doesn't do exactly what you want. A major freak out over something ordinary like spilled food or a slow response to a request is a sign that your expectations are out of synch.

Good-enough parenting can be roughly quantified 70-75%/25-30%, meaning that we want to be on-target with our children 70-75% of the time and allow ourselves to be off-target about 25-30% of the time. Perfectionism is a 100% proposition and is unattainable, so children end up neglected, abused, and shamed when parents fail or give up. The good-enough parent knows that they're going to blow it once in a while and they approach parenting with the notion of doing their best, compromising when the issue isn't critical and apologizing when they let the child down.

So what do we mean by "blow it?" Most of the time (70-75%) the parent wants to practice the following behaviors/traits with a child: attentive, warm, direct, honest, sharing humorous moments, offering immediate intervention/feedback, and being thoughtful. When a parent blows it (25-30%), they are probably practicing one or more of the following behaviors/traits: distracted, withdrawn, indirect, dishonest, using sarcasm, procrastinating, and being impulsive/thoughtless.

The good-enough parent recognizes very quickly when they blow it or are off-target. What do they do? First they admit it, then they give the child permission to have hurt or angry feelings, then they listen and then they do it over. For example, you come home from a busy day at work completely stressed out and your toddler runs to greet you and starts excitedly saying "look at this look at this look at this look at this" and you snap and angrily say "can you just wait a minute." The child's face changes from excited to hurt, from happy to sad in a split second. The good-enough parent catches him or herself and immediately gets down to eye level and says, "oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! Mommy/Daddy should not have talked to you that way. That must have hurt your feelings. Let's try that again. Please, show me what you have for me and tell me about it."

May seem like common sense but sometimes common sense is not that common. Parenting is a challenge because it's made up of hundreds of moments in every day that shape a child, for better or worse. Despite our best efforts, we are going to miss soccer games, arrive too late to read the night time book, use a harsh tone of voice in response to ordinary childhood needs, and just generally live the human experience.

Strive for balance and moderation and humanity in your approach to parenting. Strive to be good-enough. The alternative is a style of parenting that careens between extremes that confuse and stress the entire family system: hyper-vigilant or detached; idealizing or shaming; rigid or neglectful; intrusive or withdrawn; and the list goes on.

Embrace the ordinariness of those hundred little moments every day that shape your child. Relax, moderate, breathe. You will enjoy parenting so much more and you will enjoy your child.

Creative Coparenting

Sometimes parents complain about the lack of a sane coparent, the lack of a cooperative coparent, or the lack of any coparent. While each of these complaints may be valid it's no excuse to go it alone! Look around, open your eyes, and get creative. I'm suggesting that you broaden your concept of who a coparent is! Almost all parents already have at least one coparent in their life, regardless of the personal situation. At its simplest, a coparent is another adult who agrees to share the responsibility for raising our child, whether for a few minutes, hours or on a regular basis.

Rarely is a parent in a completely isolated position with absolutely no help. More common is the parent who is unable or unwilling to either see or acknowledge the help that is already there or to ask for help that is needed. Now...don't get your dander up because I am definitely not blaming the victim here. I know people get overwhelmed and depressed and so stressed they can't even think straight. So take a deep breath if you are one of those folks, and then continue reading! Think about friends, family, neighbors, community centers, libraries, churches, and schools. There are more possibilities but these are the basics for most of us. If you have just one adult in any of these settings who likes you and likes your child, you may already have a coparent.

I recently spoke with a young father who has primary custody of his son. They live with the paternal grandparents, who provide child care while the father works. Dad was complaining about the differences between his mother's parenting style and his own. I asked him if he had talked with her about their coparenting relationship and how they would deal with those kinds of differences. He looked puzzled and then said it had never occurred to him. The next time I saw him, he let me know that he and his mother had met about coparenting and had reached some agreements about a number of things. Dad was feeling supported, empowered, and optimistic as a result! He had also discovered that his mom was very open to working with him when he didn't start and end the conversation with a criticism of her.

Make your own list of possible coparents in your life. Look at the list I offered and add your own. People want to help, at the individual level as well as at the family and community level. Let your friends know what you need help with. Talk to your family members about what your ideal situation would be and see what happens. You may be surprised to find that what you need is exactly what someone else needs too! Maybe you've noticed postings for the FREE offerings for children at your local library and just never gone over to check it out. Do it now.

All of us limit our vision of possible solutions sometimes. When it comes to coparenting, it's time to expand and enlarge our vision because our children deserve parents who are awake, energetic, engaged, and healthy. Creative and effective coparenting relationships are good for everyone.

But She/He is So Good With the Kids

Sometimes we feel tremendous social pressure to allow our child to have too much contact with an adult who isn't someone we would willingly choose to be close with and/or to be influential over our child...that is to say if we felt empowered to make that choice. The most obvious person who might fall into this category is your co-parent. Other people include the new partner/spouse of your co-parent, in-laws or former in-laws, your own siblings and sometimes even your own parents.

Oops! Any of you experiencing ambivalence? That is a combination of both loving and hating feelings experienced toward the same important person in our life. Or maybe the ambivalence (strong opposing feelings) passed through your conscious mind so quickly you're already on to denial or repression or justification or rationalization...as in "her selfishness isn't that bad"....."I don't remember my father ever saying something that nasty, what are you talking about"...."we only see them once in a while so let's just put up with it"..."they really aren't that involved in our lives"..."we don't want to hurt their feelings"...and so on.

We are all in a position sometimes when we have to spend time with people we don't really like whether in our business life or our personal life. So most of us have developed the skills necessary to manage the discomfort that accompanies these awkward and uncomfortable situations. And, as grown-ups, we have a variety of coping skills and defense strategies to manage without any major disruption to our self, our family, our life. For example, if we are required to attend a work-related meeting or function with a smoker and we are not a smoker we will probably make sure we do not end up in a car infused with tobacco and nicotine residue -- we will drive our own car to and from the meeting location and say whatever we need to in order to avoid the situation.

I am not concerned with the adults in these situations -- the issue here is young children who do not have either the coping skills or the defensive strategies to identify people who have, often unconsciously, ill will toward them. Nor do the little ones have the ability to protect themselves emotionally or psychologically from negative and hurtful intrusions. The only person who can protect infants and young children from these unnecessary and unhealthy pokes, prods, and insults is a parent who is genuinely able to place the needs of the child above their own needs, which includes bearing the social awkwardness of saying "no" to an adult friend or relative who is unkind, intolerant, unreliable, passive aggressive, painfully narcississtic, or just generally obnoxious.

The reasons people tolerate such inconsiderate and sometimes outright destructive behavior in others has everything to do with an unwillingness to rock the social boat or to deal with any kind of conflict. "Being nice" and "avoiding conflict at all costs" take on a whole new level of meaning when the sacrifice being made is the emotional calm and psychological trust/innocence of a little one and not just your own peace of mind for an hour, a day or a week --depending on how long it takes you to recover from a toxic person.

If you dread spending time with someone in your life because you can barely tolerate their nastiness -- of whatever variety -- and you know it will take you time and energy not just to get through it but to recover from it, I hope you will think long and hard about why you really want expose your child to that stress. If it is someone who smokes cigarettes around your child it's probably (although not always) easier to prevent or severely limit contact than if it is when it's someone who is verbally negative and disagreeable, even hateful, in almost everything they say. Whatever the toxic influence, your first responsibility is knowledge/awareness and your second is protective action. If you decide to immerse your child in the toxic mix anyway, you will never know how things might have been different for your child had they not been exposed so early.

And a final thought for those of you who have a court order in place that requires your child to be exposed to toxic influences in the form of the other parent and/or the other parent's family and friends. The Court and Child Protective Services generally protect from physical abuse and severe neglect, but sometimes have a very difficult time substantiating emotional/psychological abuse. There has to be a clear legal basis for curtailing a parent's rights. Present your case to the Court and request supervised visitation by a neutral third party, a professional monitor, so that the parent and child are able to continue their relationship but in an environment that ensures the safety of the child.

If there isn't sufficient evidence to warrant judicial/CPS restrictions, then you have to comply with the court order and do your very best to compensate for the negative influences present in your child's life and keep them safe. Whatever your situation, be aware and be proactive in setting appropriate boundaries for your child to ensure their safety and security in a loving, nurturing family environment.

You Try Co-Parenting With This Maniac!!!

Are you pulling your hair out because of a terrible co-parenting relationship and tired of hearing people tell you: (1) it's going to get easier, (2) time heals all wounds, or (3) sometimes it just takes a while, and so on ad nauseum?

Are you tired of it because you absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your co-parent is currently operating at maximum capacity and there is no "potential" for improvement?

If so, you are a member of a very large club. How else do you explain the library full of self-help books on crazy ex-spouses and "How To..." deal with them without losing your own mind, let alone your dignity?

But does that really help, either? To know "you're not alone." Yeah...not so much, huh?!?! So what does help?

For starters, take a good long look at yourself. The only reason this person is in your life is because you made a choice or a series of choices at some point that didn't turn out the way you planned. That choice part is your responsibility. There are probably some shared responsibilities between the two of you as well, but you can only accept your part and you can do absolutely nothing with the part that belongs to your co-parent.

Next take a look at your child. Your contribution genetically is one-half which means the other half is irrevocably and undeniably contributed by your co-parent. Which half of your child are you hating, feeling angry with, wanting to scream at, or just hoping will drop dead? Unless you have completely lost your mind, meaning that you are a maniac too, these questions should make you at least a little uncomfortable. You don't really hate half of your child or secretly wish that half of your child didn't exist. And if you do, get a referral for therapy and do it soon.

If a co-parent hates their co-parent more than they love their child, the child may as well be living in a war zone where every day means hoping you are alive at the end of it. Depression, fear, anxiety, terror, withdrawal, isolation - survival mode. This is not to say that your co-parent isn't a maniac, a real crazy person who creates drama and chaos everywhere they go and in everyone whose life they touch. What it does mean is that you have to find a way to parent sanely, consistently, and lovingly during your time with your child.

Sanely. It only takes one reasonably sane co-parent to stay calm, grounded and focused on the needs of the child to have a huge positive impact and compensate for/overcome the shortcomings of the crazy co-parent. If you are co-parenting with a crazy person, you need to make a commitment to your self and your child to be the sane one and then follow through with whatever you need to stay sane. Be the calm in the middle of the storm. Resist the seductive pull of the chaos and drama.

Consistently. Daily routines provide the scaffolding on which to build a family structure that feels safe, secure, and nurturing to each family member. Your child needs to know that they count on you to be stable, predictable, and fully present in the moment. Your child needs to know that the people you include in your inner circle are stable, predictable and fully present in the moment as well. Your child needs to know that each day with you will start pretty much the same way, that meal times will have a familiar pattern and that activities during the day occur with a rhythm that feels fun and interesting with just the right amount of challenge.

Lovingly. Thoughtful and targeted parenting actions are the right of every child. It is through hundreds of tiny parenting actions every day that you show your love and care your child. Focus on your parenting. Think about how you will protect your child today. Plan all the ways you can listen actively to your child today. Create opportunities to nurture your child through words and actions and touch. Notice those teachable moments that emerge spontaneously when you are with your child and teach the values, concepts, and attitudes that are important to you.

Bottom line. Identify what you can and cannot control in your child's life now. Take responsibility for what you can control, and do it. Seek help from a professional to figure that out if you feel lost in the chaos. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your child.

I Don't Have A Daddy

A little boy who has just finished spending two hours with his father in a weekly supervised visitation is asked by the Supervisor if he would like to say good-bye to daddy when it is time to leave the room. The child looks at the Supervisor with a surprised look on his face and says “I don’t have a Daddy” as he hugs the man who is his father. Dad looks confused and turns to the Supervisor for help on how to respond. The Supervisor speaks to the child gently, “It’s okay to just say good-bye to Daddy.” The child looks at the Supervisor as if she has just grown an extra head and says “He’s not my Daddy! Mommy said he used to be my Daddy but he isn’t my Daddy anymore.”

During the visit, the child had opened a new toy the father brought for the visit. The child was clearly delighted as he got a big grin on his face and began twirling around and “flying” the toy through the air. When Dad asked if he could take a picture of the child with his new toy, the child said “Mommy said you can’t take any pictures of me.” The child was still smiling and twirling as he said it. When it was time for lunch and Dad brought out a Happy Meal, the child said “Mommy said I can’t eat anything from you cuz’ of the poison.” The child then sat down at the table and ate the meal with his dad while chattering away about the new Woody toy and the movie Toy Story 3 which they planned to watch after lunch.

What would you do in this situation? If you were Dad? If you were the Supervisor? How would you talk to this child about what is happening? It’s not as easy or simple as it might seem because this little boy has absolute trust in his Mommy to tell him the truth, to protect him from dangers in the world, and to support him in embracing all the good life has to offer. The child assumes that Dad and the Supervisor are wrong because, for him, it’s very easy and very simple: mommy loves him so of course she is telling the truth. But she is not – she is denying the child himself each time she denies the truth of the father’s existence in the world and the presence of the father in the child’s life. The person in need of intervention here is the mother, not the child.

I think some of R.D. Laing’s ideas about family lies and mental illness can be helpful. He thought that if you really listened to a schizophrenic, the patient would tell you how his or her world worked. The language might be metaphorical, even a little unreal, but it was logical in the context of growing up in a family where plain speech had been penalized and where children had been taught, as they grew, to distrust their own perception and memory, and give way to the memories and perceptions of others. In Laing's families, there is always a version behind the version. There are truths that one family member is allowed to speak of, but that another member is forbidden to speak of. The weakest and most vulnerable family member finds him or herself in a lose-lose situation, unable to please, locked in a vicious circle of invalidation. Madness…mental illness…may, in some circumstances, seem a strategy for survival.

I’m not suggesting this little boy will develop a mental illness but I think anyone would agree that his sense of what is real and true versus what is false lays a foundation for mistrust of both himself and others that will stay with him, shape him, and inform him as he develops and grows. Whatever else is going on here, it is clear that his mother wants to be rid of one-half of who this child is…his father. How does she do that when it is half of her own child she wants to eliminate from her world?

This mother’s approach to co-parenting flies in the face of decades of research that clearly supports the need of each child for a relationship with his or her parents…both of them! Sadly, it may take months or even years for action that will protect this child from his mother’s toxic hatred toward the father. And it may never happen. Family courts are notoriously slow to act, as is the child welfare system. If a bone is broken or a wound bleeding, the detriment to the child is clear. But when the abuse cannot be seen, felt and/or touched, time is required to sort it out. Depending on the child, there may not be much time.

If you are reading this you are, most likely, NOT a co-parent who is this bad for your child. But you may know someone who is! If you do, speak up. Get involved. Tell the mother (or father) that you are concerned and why. Give him or her the chance to understand how damaging their behavior is to the child. If they can’t or won’t get it, then be prepared to tell someone who can help the child. Every situation is different so there is no one person who is the right one to tell. But there is almost always someone who cares enough about a child to go to any lengths to protect them. Find that person and at least make the effort to help.

Colin Powell speaks passionately about the importance of the community system that exists to protect children. He also speaks about the lack of one and challenges each one of us to action, when he says “When that community system doesn’t exist, we can’t sit back and say ‘well, that’s too bad.’ The rest of us have to step forward.” If you have a child who is suffering or know a child who is suffering, please take some action to help.

Peace in the Family: Information or Ammunition?

If you find yourself with burning questions to ask your child the moment they return from the other parents' home, you have to give it some serious thought before you follow that impulse. Are you compelled to ask your child those questions out of love and interest, or is this really an interrogation (subtle or not so) to gather ammunition for the next round in Family Court. Let's face it, questions are usually not a great way to interact with children at any age...unless it's a VERY young child and you're in a teaching mode like...is this yellow or is this green?!

Adult-generated questions typically do not lend themselves to spontaneous sharing and closeness. Quite the opposite. You are setting the agenda and your child is going to do the very best they can to give you answers that are pleasing to you. Far better to greet your child warmly and happily, genuinely expressing your hope that they had a great time. Then get into settling them back in to your home and their life with you. Trust that your child will share with you if and when they get the urge. Your job, Mom or Dad, is to nurture a relationship with your child that encourages and supports honest communication.

You may think you're being subtle when you indirectly, covertly, and ever so gently probe for more information and yet more details. Children aren't fooled. Depending on their age, they'll tell you what you want to hear to please you and reassure you, or they might decide to challenge you or even confront the fact that you are putting them squarely in the middle between two people they love.

If you really want information from your child about his or her life that will bring you closer together, then let it emerge naturally as the two of you spend positive and enjoyable time doing activities you both like. Listen actively to your child's verbal and nonverbal communication. Active listening requires your full attention, not focus divided between the child and driving or the child and a cellphone or email or whatever.

Knowing your child demands an investment of time, energy and focus on your part as a parent that can reap great rewards in the form of a close and loving relationship built on trust and honesty. Check yourself. Make sure you really want that deep, personal knowledge about your child and that you're not just hunting for ammunition to use in your adult war. Self-honesty is where genuine connection begins.

Coparenting: It's All About the Kids!

Today I find myself thinking about something St Augustin said..."Peace in society depends upon peace in the family." This idea has been an important touchstone for me throughout my years working with dual household families. Wikipedia's offering on peace is "Peace describes a society or a relationship that is operating harmoniously and without violent conflict. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility, or the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, safety in matters of social or economic welfare, the acknowledgment of equality and fairness in political relationships. In international relations, peacetime is the absence of any war or conflict."

Here is my version from the point of view of a 2-home kid!! Peace means my family living in harmony with each other without conflict or hostility and each of us feeling safe, valued and respected.

Some co-parents came from a place of peace this week here at Hannah's House. A co-parent offered make-up time to the other parent when it was not required by anyone - it was an act of generosity, an act of peace. Another parent said yes to a request that their co-parent be able to spend their birthday with the child when the issue of the parents' birthdays had never even been addressed in a court order. To some people, these may seem like small even inconsequential acts. But not to the 2 home kids effected by these acts of parental kindness.

These are huge wins for the child. Every child wants to feel like Team Mom and Team Dad are fully rooting for the child to win, to succeed, to feel loved, and to feel treasured. Saying yes to your co-parent can be a wonderful gift for your child. Offering your co-parent something extra, something above and beyond what is expected or ordered can ultimately be a wonderful gift of generosity to yourself in terms of the good will it can create in your co-parenting relationship.

Everybody wins if your child feels loved by both parents.