Effective
parenting doesn’t just happen. Neither do good grades, good friends, good
relationships or a good life. Sure, sometimes luck and fate conspire to present
us with a chance at something special. But for the most part, we create our
good fortune by molding the natural opportunities that life offers us simply as
a part of being human.
Growth
and development are natural impulses. Research has shown that there are optimal
times for learning language as well as learning emotional and physical skills.
And it is parents who help mold these natural opportunities. The attentive
parent notices when the infant is trying to hold his or her head up on their
own. That parent then creates a structure in which the infant can safely
practice. Will the child learn the skill without parental structuring? Yes. But
that accomplishment would be purely a physical without the enrichment and
connection afforded by the parent who molds a natural opportunity into one that
is stimulating and nurtures the emotional and mental development of the child
as well as the physical.
The
concept of molding natural opportunities is based on research about signs of
readiness or interest in displayed by a child. Parents can attend and actively
listen for these signs, then structure the environment and provide activities
in a manner that respects and enhances those naturally occurring moments. A
great example of this is toilet training. Parents struggle with this issue and
so do children. Self-control versus other-control. Some parents push their
children too hard and too fast to gain self-control of toileting even there are
no signs of readiness. And some parent ignore the signs of autonomy because the
parent needs to feel needed. For the latter parents, the child growing up means
the parent losing their importance in the life of the child.
There
are many ways for parents to encourage and support children. One of the best is
books! Even better is story-telling. It’s easy to get started. Plan a field
trip with your children. Take them to the children’s book section at the local
library or at a local bookstore. Plan on spending the afternoon there with your
children just exploring books. Keep it unstructured and follow your child’s
lead. They will let you know what they are interested int. And it can give you
some wonderful ideas for molding natural opportunities as they present.
For
example, many children are fascinated by dinosaurs, dragons and reptiles. While
you may not be crazy about reptiles, they offer an inexpensive way to teach
children about diversity, uniqueness, habitat, environment, and overcoming
prejudice or fear. And you don’t have to bring them into your home or even pay
to go the zoo. Go to a pet shop that specializes in reptiles. The staff is
usually happy to educate children and adults about the animals. Your trip to
the bookstore or library could lead to a series of local field trips that teach
and support your child’s natural interest. Sometimes you will find that you
will grow right along with your child as their interests move you outside of
your own comfort zone.
Molding
natural opportunities includes teaching our children to swim even when we don’t
know how because of our own fear. It includes finding a piano teacher we can
afford even if we can’t carry a tune in a bucket. It might mean asking the boss
for a change of schedule to be at our child’s soccer game when we have two left
feet ourselves. It includes helping our children to develop positive
relationships, learn how to resolve conflicts, develop positive peer
relationships, and feel a part of a community.
Molding
natural opportunities means putting our children’s needs ahead of our own. It
requires the difficult work of allowing our children to be completely different
form us in some very important ways. The greatest challenge to our own values
as a parent may come in the pursuit of supporting and respecting our child’s
authentic self-expression. But the committed parent does it because effective
parenting is not accident. Effective parenting is intentional.
Molding
natural opportunities means being able to understand our children as separate,
unique individuals and helping them to form relationships to the world with
their own personalities, interest, and vision. Just as we learn more about
relating to them at many levels, they learn to broaden and deepen their
perspective in relation to others. It means sharing with them what is basic and
genuine to us, and guiding them into the opportunities that are unique to their
world, their lives, and their experience.
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