Parallel Coparenting

Parallel coparenting is a model where the two homes -- just like parallel lines -- do not intersect. The only intersection is the child moving back and forth between the two homes.

This model is beneficial to a child when the unresolved differences between the two parents create chronic tension for the child or when the conflict flares in front of the child.

The goal of this model is to reduce the chronic psychological and emotional tension for the child (also known as child abuse) and to eliminate exposure to parental conflict (also known as Inter-Personal Violence (IPV)).

Some people object to the use of the words child abuse and violence because they believe that only the use of physical force to inflict pain should be called abusive or violent.

Child abuse includes any form of deliberate and/or ongoing infliction of psychological or emotional pain. For over two decades, researchers have documented the radical impairments that occur in the brain development of children who live with chronic hostile psychological and emotional abuse.

Parents must get the child out of the middle when contact between the two parents is hostile, whether that hatred and hostility is silent and cold, or loud and hot.

Parallel coparenting is the model that will protect the child caught in the middle. This model allows the child to experience calm, a sense of relief, and the ability to use his or her energy for being a child: exploring, experiencing, learning, growing, and just being a kid.

Unresolved differences occur for many reasons but here are some examples.
1 Unplanned pregnancy
Parents had a brief or superficial relationship when the child was conceived. Not only do the parents have nothing in common, they actually hold radically different world views and beliefs about people.

2 Deceit
Sometimes parents have led a double life with their intimate partner during a relationship. Depending on many factors, that deceit may have inflicted such a deep wound that healing is very difficult.

3 Domestic Violence (DV) / Substance Abuse (SA) / Mental Illness (MI)
When there is a specific pattern and problem which has led to the break-up of the family, the restructuring process can take anywhere form 18 months to 3 years. DV, SA, and MI are three such situations. Children cannot be exposed to the high emotion of parents with this kind of history. It’s just too much pressure for the child.

There are many other situations where parallel coparenting is the best choice, sometimes for a period of time that allows cooling down, healing and moving on. For some families, this model will be long term.

Parents who practice this model rarely have communication between the homes. Both parents take equal responsibility to be on time and at the right place for pick-ups and drop-offs. Parents only make direct contact in an emergency situation so there is no uncertainty about the nature of or reason for the contact.

Specific and non-negotiable parenting plans work best for these families.

Contact between the two homes is via email or Our Family Wizard (OFW) or Talking Parents. Communications are direct, brief and respectful. All communication is child-focused.
Parallel Coparents have separate and clear rules in each house. Children cope extremely well when they know what to expect.

Both parents take equal responsibility for clarity in their own home and neither parent disparages the rules in the other parent’s home.

Decision making is made in each home and conferring is rare. If there are shared expenses, parents establish a specific method to deal with that and do not deviate. Some parallel coparents attend all of the child’s appointments together, and some take turns.

Parallel coparents have clearly defined boundaries for transitions between the homes and for any joint activity that may occur with the child.

Facilitated coparenting meetings are the only way that Parallel Coparents engage. There is a clear agenda for the meeting and the facilitator manages the communication.

Parents who choose parallel coparenting are unable to achieve basic respect and cooperation, usually due to significant, unresolved relationship issues. They choose to parent the child separately in each home with very little contact with the other parent because they understand that the child needs peace and calm and permission to love both parents.

Back to School or Back to the Battlefield: Finding Peace and Healing for 2-Home Kids and Their Parents

August and September bring special days in the lives of children starting school for the first time or returning to school after a summer break. The emphasis here is on special days for the children!

Unfortunately, parents can easily take the pleasure and happiness out of these special days by placing the children in the middle of a coparenting conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1   But, sweetie, Mommy (Daddy) already bought you a back pack! 

2   Oh, no, what are we going to do! I invited your granny and grandpop to your first day of school and you know they don't get along with your dad's new wife (mom's new husband)! 

3   What?! Did you say that Mommy and Daddy Bob (Daddy and Mommy Sara) are coming to your first day of school, too? You only have one Dad (Mom) and that is me!

For those of you think that there is a gender which has ownership of guilt-tripping 2-home children, think again. After nearly 30 years working with family court moms and dads I can honestly say that I still hear and see moms AND dads do and say things that surprise and sometimes even shock me.

And for those of you who want to say that I am criticizing parents and defending the system or that I am a part of it, I understand you frustration. But what can I do? I ask myself that every day which is why I am writing this blog. 

I can't prevent damage done to children because parents are waiting for the system to protect their child. I can't prevent damage done to children because attorneys are required to be zealous advocates for their family court clients, most of whom are adults. I can't prevent damage done to children because parents wait too long to protect their children from family dysfunction: domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and violence. I can't prevent judges from making decisions that don't protect children, whether in the short term or the long term. 

This is what I can do. I can try to have a dialogue with coparents who know there must be a better way to coparent than always feeling defeated, or challenged, or angry, or competitive, or powerless. And there is. But it is hard work and takes commitment and lots of practice and lots of failures or at least near misses!

If you are stressed about your child's transition back to school, shift your focus. Put yourself in your child's shoes and figure out what this means to them. How does it feel to them when they are made responsible for your need to control and manage your anxiety about your coparent? Focus on your child, his or her needs from you, and keep your nose out of the other parent's business. Unless you need to call the police or CPS because your child has been injured physically or is in imminent danger of being injured physically, relax and reset your emotional and psychological boundaries. 

Anxiety interferes with empathy. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will behave in an egocentric manner that ignores your child and cuts him or her off from your support when they need you the most!

Focus on making your child's return to school fun and exciting with a focus on all the potential for discovery and pleasure in the coming months. Set aside your own fears and celebrate the joy of a child growing into new possibilities! If you can find a way to be positive or just respectful toward a coparent you have previously ignored or disrespected, then that would be awesome! 

If you can make just one step toward healing yourself at this time of important transition in the life of your family, then your child will flourish this year.

To Turn a Child Against a Parent Is To Turn A Child Against Himself / Herself

"Parental alienation" is a controversial label. In part this is related to Dr. Richard Gardner's early attempts to create a diagnostic category of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). The attempt was well-intentioned and opened an area of discussion and inquiry that contributed significantly to awareness and understanding a critical dynamic in many Family Court cases. PAS itself was, not surprisingly, discredited. The reasons are complicated and varied, and relate directly to the extraordinary diversity of problematic family dynamics which present in families as they separate and then reconstitute in new formations.

Dr. Douglas Darnall, author of Divorce Casualties, further contributed to this important topic when he sought to differentiate PAS, the syndrome, from the alienating behaviors coparents use to diminish each others parental roles when caught in a struggle over custody of a child. His contribution was essential to ensuring that the dynamic itself did not disappear from our conversations with mothers, fathers, and other adults in care-providing roles with a child learning to live between 2 homes.

Dr. Richard A. Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, has also made significant contributions to our exploration of those parental behaviors designed to turn a child against his or her parent. His book is an excellent resource for parents who have been designated by the court system as "High-Conflict" as they try to understand how their own behavior may contribute to the stress on the children.

While there is still no consensus on the issue of Parental Alienation, most mental health professionals with forensic experience know that many parents compete for the love and favor of their children during difficult family transitions rather than working to shield their children from the stress and strain of the adult traumas. This fear-and-anger fueled competition leads to behaviors which hurt children, though often not intentionally. Few parents set out with the goal of hurting their own children as they work so hard to carve out a significant place in their child's life.

Rather parental behaviors which alienate the child from the other parent and, ultimately, from him or herself, occur out of a sense of desperation, powerlessness, or hopelessness. No parent knows how he or she might respond if the vital role of Mom or Dad is threatened in a profound and lasting way. Parents in that position are often quick to explain that they would never say anything bad about the other parent to their son or daughter. These parents don't realize that words are not required. The negativity toward the other parent is usually felt so deeply by the child that no words are necessary. 

Losing time with and the opportunity to care for a child is painful for a parent. Losing a sense of safety and security in the world is terrifying for a child. The child's need for reassurance must trump the parent's need for self-worth if that parental sense of integrity comes at the expense of the child's innocence and trust in those who are supposed to ensure it. If you are struggling with your own sense of competence and worth as you make difficult family transitions, reach out for help. There are coparenting classes, support groups, and affordable therapeutic services for families in transition. You do not have to do it alone.

San Diego's Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House provides these support services and more. Email today TransitionsSD@gmail.com

I Will Not Lie to My Child!

This phrase -- "I will not lie to my child" -- is sometimes stated with great emphasis, an air of moral outrage or moral superiority, and disdain that it even needs to be verbalized. The belief/value that underlies the phrase for the disdainful is a distortion of the truth, sometimes subtle, but more often exaggerated. The implication is that the person they are saying this too has just suggested this high crime. These parents are unlikely to be open to ideas for communicating about the family issues in a more child-friendly manner.

Sometimes the phrase is expressed with a question mark "...but I shouldn't lie to my child, should I?" These parents are just not sure how to handle questions their children ask and how much or how little information to give. They differ from the first group because they really want to be helpful and supportive and they are concerned about hurting their children in some way. They are open to new information and ideas.

Here is an example of a common experience that newly separated parents have when their children are suddenly living in 2 different homes instead of the same home. A father says that he always corrects his children when they refer to the family residence as "mommy's house." Dad explains that he wants to make sure the children are not operating with incorrect information so he tells them that the house actually still belongs to both Daddy and Mommy. And then he is surprised when the children ask why he doesn't live there anymore.

When I suggest that his children don't process information like little adults but rather with the brains/cognition of a child, he becomes upset. "Are you saying that my children don't deserve to know the truth!?!?" Of course I'm not, I say. I try to explain that I am just suggesting that he consider life from their point of view and not his own. I suggest that the children most likely think of the place where mom lives and sleeps as "mommy's house" and the place where dad lives and sleeps as "daddy's house."

He nods his head in agreement. "That's right, they do. I have explained that to them, too." This time I don't have to even ask for an explanation. He freely offers it: "when they referred to my apartment as 'daddy's house' I explained that Daddy isn't able to afford to live in a house like mommy does since daddy paid for mommy's house so daddy lives in what is called an apartment." This father is earnest and he deeply cares for his children. And, he isn't able to hear how confusing his message is because he's focused on his impulse to defend himself and make sure he gets credit for his hard work and efforts in the past.

So I use a simple example from a different life area. I asked him if he agrees with the practice of selling some magazines only to adults. I ask him if he would take his 4 and 6 year olds to an R-rated movie? Would he read a Stephen King novel to the children for a bedtime story? Like most adults, he would protect his children from these materials because the content is not appropriate for them. And he doesn't think of it as "lying." He thinks of it as common sense because obviously children should not be exposed to such adult topics, emotions, images and so on.

As we continue to talk, Dad begins to understand the similarity between the adult issues he is sharing freely with the children and the adult materials he would protect his children from. He begins to identify his own over-sharing of detail and the fact that he has been repeatedly giving his children information that they have not asked for and, equally important, he realizes that the details he has given them have not helped and in some cases have clearly been confusing or troubling to the children.

As he processes his situation from a different perspective, he is able to realize that he's feeling defensive and competitive with Mom, as if the children's love for him is based on the financial details of the marital relationship rather than the simple and wonderful reality that the children love him because he is their 'Daddy."

Friends and family members can be more of a liability then an asset during the break-up of the family because they are so emotionally invested. It's important for Mom and Dad to identify people within their support system who can listen with both caring and objectivity. Honest feedback delivered in a caring and supportive manner goes a long way in helping parents process one of the most challenging family situations any of us can face - the shattering of the dream of a happy family all living together and sharing a long, fulfilling together. The transition from that dream to a new dream is rarely easy for anyone.

Some basic guidelines can help. Don't talk about adult issues in front of the children. When you feel a sudden emotional reaction to something your child says, stifle your reaction and bite your tongue. Words once spoken can't be taken back and the impact cannot truly be undone. Make a commitment to yourself as a parent and to your children that you will make every effort every day to respond to difficult topics and not react.