Key Factor #2 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Controlling for Conflict of Interest and the Appearance of Conflict of Interest

The legal standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV) are specific about the types of relationships that are a conflict of interest:

(i) Conflict of interest

All providers should maintain neutrality by refusing to discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another. Any discussion between a provider and the parties should be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children. In order to avoid a conflict of interest, the professional provider should not:

(1) Be financially dependent on the person being supervised;

(2) Be an employee of the person being supervised;

(3) Be an employee of or affiliated with any superior court in the county in which the supervision is ordered unless specified in the employment contract; or

(4) Be in an intimate relationship with the person being supervised.

While this is a helpful start, there is much more that needs to be in place to control for this issue.

PPSV need to have clear, written policies and procedures in the written contract for services that is required by law in California. The contract should detail how the provider ensure neutrality. The contract should specify how the provider ensures that they will not discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another.

The provider should have clear policies about how they deal with situations where any legal party to the case attempts to disparage the other party to the provider.

Polices and procedures about the documentation of all contacts between clients and the provider should be clearly spelled out. All legal parties to the case should be confident that any discussion between a provider and the parties will be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children.

All legal parties should also be confident that 100% of any ex parte communication will be documented and reported. Because the provider is ordered as professional neutral, all communication on the case must be documented and reported.

It is important that the PPSV clarity about their role and about their scope of work. Multiple relationships with the same client are problematic because a conflict of interest is more likely to develop.

Sometimes multiple relationships develop because the PPSV has had inadequate training initially or because the PPSV does not engage in regular and transparent consultation and review of their work. The provider gradually becomes comfortable with the client or clients and moves beyond the professional role.

Typical boundary violations might include the following:
1 Changing policies and procedures because they feel that the client really needs their help
2 Taking care of the children during visits as if they are there a babysitter instead of a professional neutral
3 Helping the client with parenting tasks during the visit
4 Developing an emotionally close and physically affectionate relationship with the adult client and or the children
5 Paying for food or gas for the client when that is not the policy
6 Using ones personal car for transporting the client when that is not the policy

Serious boundary violations with a client might include the following:
1 Dating
2 Renting a room or selling a house
3 Loaning or selling a car
4 Loaning money
5 Editing documentation and court reports to protect the client
6 Refusing to do the required documentation and court reports

At Hannah's House, we have many policies and procedures in place to protect clients and to support and develop our staff.

Consumers need and deserve protection. California has laws that will do that if they are followed. Unfortunately, each of the 58 Superior Courts in the state take a slightly different approach to the Court Resource List for Professional Providers of Supervised Visitation - usually referred to as Visitation Monitors.

In San Diego, there are no requirements for inclusion on the list other than filling out and signing an affidavit under penalty of perjury that the person is qualified to do the work and will follow applicable laws. The affidavit in San Diego is the same whether the applicant is going to teach Boating Safety or be a Professional Supervised Visitation Monitor.

In other jurisdictions the court requires a variety of proofs from the provider before they can be included. Some examples are:
1 Background check / Trustline Certification
2 Insurance - auto and liability
3 Contract for Services
4 Documentation of 24 hours of training in areas specified by law

Because there are no additional protections for the consumers using providers on the San Diego Superior Court Resource List for Visitation Monitors, it is extremely important that consumers read both California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 prior to calling anyone on the list.

Preparing for interviews of a professional who will have significant responsibility for ensuring the well being and safety of your children should be high on your list of priorities as a parent with a court order for supervised visitation services.

Hannah's House meets and exceeds the 24 hour legal training requirement and we have done so since 1988, long before any standards existed.

The minimum requirement to work at Hannah's House is 24 hours of classroom training and 16 hours of hands-on practicum shadowing cases. Once this 40 hour requirement is met, the PPSV is shadowed by a experienced professional while the new trainee supervises visit. This shadowing is typically between 16 and 40 hours, depending on the trainee.

Once a supervisor is qualified for independent service delivery at Hannah's house, there is a Senior Supervisor who continues to oversee the work of all monitors during every work shift. Service delivery feedback is provided weekly, monthly and quarterly to all staff. Training is a high priority at Hannah's House.

Our experience is that it takes at least one full year of service delivery under close supervision to develop the broad and deep knowledge and skills necessary for work as an independent private monitor. This is because we take the responsibility for the protection of children very seriously.

A conflict of interest tends to develop over time and happens so slowly and subtly that the monitor is often in trouble with multiple relationships before they notice. Make sure that the PPSV you choose to safeguard your children and your family-in-transition is truly a professional neutral.

Cordial and Business-Like: How to do Coparenting Meetings Without Losing Your Mind

Most parents don't even think about "The Coparenting Relationship" when they are living in the same household sharing the parenting of a child. That relationship exists but it is so interwoven into the fabric of the couple relationship that it is hard to separate it from all the other ways in which the couple are connected to each other. So the transition from coparenting under the same roof to coparenting in different homes is complicated. Most people find it challenging to keep their feelings about the failure of their couplehood out of the discussion of issues dealing only with the child when they first make that transition. You will hear advice like "be cordial" ... "be business-like" ... "be civil." All good advice! But not so easy to do sometimes when the feelings you're carrying around are both intense and unpredictable.

While your child is learning the skills of successfully going back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, you are trying to learn the skills of coparenting with someone you may not trust or like or respect anymore. Some of those skills include: (1)defining and sticking to a clear agenda before discussions; (2) establishing and following ground rules for good coparenting communication; (3) taking a break when either person gets off topic or violates a ground rule; and (4) holding all non-emergency issues for the next scheduled coparenting meeting.

No matter how motivated a parent may be in this situation, too often the impulsive verbal or written jab is thrown and cannot be taken back. Just that quickly, damage is done to a relationship already fragile and struggling. Facilitated coparenting meetings are one of the tools offered at Hannah's House to help parents make the transition to face to face meetings and child exchanges. A facilitated meeting is conducted by an expert in both child development and family transitions. Each parent completes a list of issues they would like to discuss in the initial meeting. The coparenting facilitator compiles a rank-ordered agenda based on the highest priority issues for the particular family situation and provides that back to each coparent. The facilitator also gives each coparent some basic ground rules that will be followed during the meeting.

Most coparents find that a once a month meeting works well for approximately the first three-six months following the initial family transition then every other month for about six months. Some parents are able to meet on their own fairly early on in a cordial, civil and business-like fashion, with the help of friends, family and professionals. For those that are concerned about their ability to do that on their own immediately, the facilitated coparenting meeting is a resource available that can help parents avoid any pitfalls and land mines during the first meetings following the transition. Coparenting meetings, phone calls and emails are not the place to try to deal with your unresolved issues and feelings left over from your couple relationship. Do that in therapy, with your friends and family, or in your journal. Those adult issues have no place in the middle of a relationship that exists for the sole purpose of providing care for your child so don’t do it. If you can’t hold the boundaries, for the sake of your child, then admit it and let someone else take that responsibility for you...at least at the beginning.

Coparenting is a challenge but it does get easier. There really is a set of skills you can master, with time and practice.

Cooperative Coparenting

Most parents eventually adopt a cooperative model of coparenting. Over time, they are both able to adapt to the dramatic restructuring of the family. They each learn to navigate the strong emotions, and slowly begin to move on with their lives. Each parent makes changes within him or herself, in direct response to the changes without.

Cooperative coparenting takes courage because it means taking risks and making yourself vulnerable. The other parent may not change, at least not right away. The other parent may take advantage. The other parent may exploit your openness.

But your children will see you change. Your children will see that you continue to be a good person even when you are treated poorly. Your children will see that you care about your own behavior, you take responsibility for your choices, and you try to make good choices.

Somebody has to have the courage to start. Parents who move from the anxiety and uncertainty of transitional coparenting to the calm and peace of cooperative take risks. They take those risks because their love for their children is bigger than their desire for revenge or holding onto resentments.

Motivation for change is unique to each person.

For some, it’s a matter of economy of resources – all of them! “I only have so much time, energy and money, and I don’t want to invest any of it in negativity.”

For others, it’s a matter of a change in perspective. “I need to take control of my life. I need to stop blaming and start taking responsibility.”

For still others, it’s the children. A day comes when a parent really sees or hears the hurt and pain that the adult conflict is causing in the child.

Making a choice to be cooperative begins a process that can change everything again.

The act of making a request instead of a demand creates uncertainty that can begin a positive change in the coparenting relationship.

Saying “yes” instead of “no” creates good will in the relationship.

Offering important coparenting information, without being asked or demanded or required, creates an opening to rebuild trust.

Apologizing for your bad behavior opens the possibility that you will be given the benefit of the doubt next time you make a mistake.

Cooperative coparents are able to have frequent and direct communication. They strive for uniform rules and expectations between the homes. They engage in joint decision-making and practice flexible scheduling between the homes for the child’s needs.

Cooperative coparents have informal meetings without the child present to make sure the lines of communication are open. Decisions are child-focused and parenting plans can be general and negotiable.

Cooperative coparents learn to achieve and maintain respect for each other.

Cooperative coparents appreciate the importance of the other parent for the well-being of the child.

Cooperative coparents value regular communication about the coparenting needs of the child because it makes the child feel loved, cared for, and secure in the world.

Parents don’t start out being cooperative coparents immediately after the break-up of the family. Some parents know they want that. Some parents know they will achieve it. But most parents gradually find their way to cooperative because something motivates them to make that choice.

Remember that cooperative coparenting is a choice. But some parents will not make that choice. They won’t make it because they cannot forgive and move on. Some parents try very hard to make that choice but find that some acts are unforgiveable. Some choices are hard to accept. The pain fades with time, but the act does damage.

Sometimes, there needs to be a period of parallel coparenting while time passes and the hurts heal. Tomorrow we’ll look more closely at the choice of parallel coparenting. Making the right choice at the right time is important because trying to be a cooperative coparent with a coparent who can only respond with conflict, can be detrimental to a child.

Back to School or Back to the Battlefield: Finding Peace and Healing for 2-Home Kids and Their Parents

August and September bring special days in the lives of children starting school for the first time or returning to school after a summer break. The emphasis here is on special days for the children!

Unfortunately, parents can easily take the pleasure and happiness out of these special days by placing the children in the middle of a coparenting conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1   But, sweetie, Mommy (Daddy) already bought you a back pack! 

2   Oh, no, what are we going to do! I invited your granny and grandpop to your first day of school and you know they don't get along with your dad's new wife (mom's new husband)! 

3   What?! Did you say that Mommy and Daddy Bob (Daddy and Mommy Sara) are coming to your first day of school, too? You only have one Dad (Mom) and that is me!

For those of you think that there is a gender which has ownership of guilt-tripping 2-home children, think again. After nearly 30 years working with family court moms and dads I can honestly say that I still hear and see moms AND dads do and say things that surprise and sometimes even shock me.

And for those of you who want to say that I am criticizing parents and defending the system or that I am a part of it, I understand you frustration. But what can I do? I ask myself that every day which is why I am writing this blog. 

I can't prevent damage done to children because parents are waiting for the system to protect their child. I can't prevent damage done to children because attorneys are required to be zealous advocates for their family court clients, most of whom are adults. I can't prevent damage done to children because parents wait too long to protect their children from family dysfunction: domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and violence. I can't prevent judges from making decisions that don't protect children, whether in the short term or the long term. 

This is what I can do. I can try to have a dialogue with coparents who know there must be a better way to coparent than always feeling defeated, or challenged, or angry, or competitive, or powerless. And there is. But it is hard work and takes commitment and lots of practice and lots of failures or at least near misses!

If you are stressed about your child's transition back to school, shift your focus. Put yourself in your child's shoes and figure out what this means to them. How does it feel to them when they are made responsible for your need to control and manage your anxiety about your coparent? Focus on your child, his or her needs from you, and keep your nose out of the other parent's business. Unless you need to call the police or CPS because your child has been injured physically or is in imminent danger of being injured physically, relax and reset your emotional and psychological boundaries. 

Anxiety interferes with empathy. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will behave in an egocentric manner that ignores your child and cuts him or her off from your support when they need you the most!

Focus on making your child's return to school fun and exciting with a focus on all the potential for discovery and pleasure in the coming months. Set aside your own fears and celebrate the joy of a child growing into new possibilities! If you can find a way to be positive or just respectful toward a coparent you have previously ignored or disrespected, then that would be awesome! 

If you can make just one step toward healing yourself at this time of important transition in the life of your family, then your child will flourish this year.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.