Practical Meaning of Sole Legal Custody

SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY to....Mom....or....Dad....

Those words spoken by a family court judge are devastating to the parent who just lost their right to make decisions about critical aspects of a child's life:

Child care/preschool

Education: K-12

Medical health

Mental health

Dental health

Religious/spiritual education

Enrichment activities

The parent who loses legal custody will usually still have access to records about their child in each of the legal aspects. 

Sometimes the judge allows the non custodial parent to access records directly from providers, and sometimes the judge directs the custodial parent to provide the information. There are circumstances where the judge orders that the non custodial parent have no access to information about any legal aspect of the child's life.

It is important to know that an allegation of domestic violence is extremely serious. Such a finding may result in the judge dealing with records access in a more restrictive way because of concerns about health, safety, and welfare.

For example, if the judge finds that a parent has committed acts of domestic violence against the child, the other parent, or the child's siblings within the past five years the judge, by law, must presume that the parent who committed the domestic violence cannot have joint or sole legal or physical custody of a child.

Permanent restraining orders require special protections for a longer period for the child and the custodial parent. This is why legal custody cannot be granted in a case where domestic violence has resulted in such an order.

It is critical that non custodial parents understand their rights and responsibilities in the realm of legal custody. If the judge has granted you access to records, you have the right to directly contact providers to get the information.

However, if you contact a provider with an attitude of entitlement, making demands you will very likely end up losing your right to directly contact providers. And you should. That is where the word responsibility comes in.

You have a responsibility to behave appropriately with any provider who has a direct relationship with your child. Every word you say and the way you say it will effect your child's life. Take this responsibility seriously and prepare yourself for contact. Understand that the other parent will probably have let the provider know about the legal custody situation. Don't be surprised and hurt by that. You would do the same if you were the custodial parent.

When you contact a provider and discover that the provider does not understand that you can have access to records then politely ask the provider how they would like to receive a copy of the order so that the provider is confident they are complying with the law.

What if the custodial parent won't give you the information about the child's providers? If you don't have the information, you must get it from the custodial parent. That is the only choice. Especially if there is a restraining order. Any attempt on your part to investigate or interrogate will likely be experienced as harassing or stalking. Don't do it. Instead, use legal channels to get the information. 

If the custodial parent won't give you information about the providers in the life of your child, it can be very tempting to coax the information out of your child. Don't do that to your child. Legal custody is shared between adults and the child will feel the elicit nature of your inquiry even if the child isn't old enough to understand what you are trying to do. Don't put your child in the position of coparenting with you. Don't put your child in the position of telling you secrets. It is detrimental to the child and can damage that child's relationship with both parents. 

Your child can talk with you about anything. That is what most parents want! Treasure the openness and spontaneity of your child and treat them with respect. Don't take advantage. Don't exploit your child. 

If you are frustrated, feeling helpless and powerless because of your custody situation, reach out for support. It exists. You don't have to go it alone. You don't have to burn out your family and friends. A word of caution though. Some support offered to parents is divisive and has a goal of reinforcing the battle, the competition, and winning. If that's what you want, that will work for you but it is not a goal that is child-centered. 

If you want a positive future for your child, peace in your family, and a loving coexistence for your child between his or her two homes, then find support that is balanced and respectful of the needs of your child. 

Key Factor #5 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Forensic Record Keeping and Reports

Forensic science is any scientific field that is applied to the field of law. In the case of supervised visitation at Hannah's House, the areas of science are social science and behavioral science. Forensic scientists are tasked with the collection, preservation, and analysis of scientific evidence during the course of an investigation and all of that evidence is.related to, used in, or suitable to a court of law.

The provision of supervised visitation services requires 100% eye shot and earshot observation and documentation. The 2015 California Rules of Court sets forth Standard 5.20.

Uniform standards of practice for providers of supervised visitation

(a) Scope of service

This standard defines the standards of practice, including duties and obligations, for providers of supervised visitation under Family Code sections 3200 and 3200.5. Unless specified otherwise, the standards of practice are designed to apply to all providers of supervised visitation, whether the provider is a friend, relative, paid independent contractor, employee, intern, or volunteer operating independently or through a supervised visitation center or agency.

The goal of these standards of practice is to assure the safety and welfare of the child, adults, and providers of supervised visitation. Once safety is assured, the best interest of the child is the paramount consideration at all stages and particularly in deciding the manner in which supervision is provided. Each court is encouraged to adopt local court rules necessary to implement these standards of practice.

Nonprofessional providers are held to the same standard as professional providers in most areas of the standard. They are not required to document, maintain records or produce reports. Only professional providers are held to the record keeping and reports portion of the standard.

5.20 requirements are detailed clearly:

(1) Professional providers must keep a record for each case, including the following:

(A) A written record of each contact and visit;

(B) Who attended the visit;

(C) Any failure to comply with the terms and conditions of the visitation; and

(D) Any incidence of abuse as required by law.

(2) Case recordings should be limited to facts, observations, and direct statements made by the parties, not personal conclusions, suggestions, or opinions of the provider. All contacts by the provider in person, in writing, or by telephone with either party, the children, the court, attorneys, mental health professionals, and referring agencies should be documented in the case file. All entries should be dated and signed by the person recording the entry.

(3) If ordered by the court or requested by either party or the attorney for either party or the attorney for the child, a report about the supervised visit must be produced. These reports should include facts, observations, and direct statements and not opinions or recommendations regarding future visitation. The original report must be sent to the court if so ordered, or to the requesting party or attorney, and copies should be sent to all parties, their attorneys, and the attorney for the child.

(4) Any identifying information about the parties and the child, including addresses, telephone numbers, places of employment, and schools, is confidential, should not be disclosed, and should be deleted from documents before releasing them to any court, attorney, attorney for the child, party, mediator, evaluator, mental health professional, social worker, or referring agency, except as required in reporting suspected child abuse.

Hannah's House has a database of clients which includes the initial phone screening, intake information, and a phone log where all phone conversations are logged. Since the advent of email and the internet, electronic documentation has become the more common method of communication and all emails communication is maintained on all clients.

Supervisors complete Activity Reports during each visit and each exchange. Documentation on the Activity Report is completed at the time of service delivery and then reviewed in a weekly Quality Assurance meeting for completeness and accuracy.

When a court report is ordered or requested by any legal party to a case, the individual activity reports are compiled into one report document and distributed to all legal parties to the case. All phone logs, emails and in-person communication is also included in the court report.

Hannah's House provides supervised exchange services that are guided by the 5.20 Standard. However, it's important for consumers to know that, as of January 1, 2015, any reference to supervised exchange in the Rule were eliminated. This means that there is no standard for supervised exchanges.

Key Factor #4 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Team Approach

When we began our research for program development in 1988, we found that one of the first common concerns expressed by the majority of parents, extended family members and professionals in the community related to the bias of professional monitors.

Users of the services experienced the providers as "taking sides." Sometimes it was a perception and sometimes it was an accurate report. We realized that there was no way in family disputes to ensure that both parties had a positive customer experience. We also realized that we had to develop a service delivery system that controlled for the perception or the reality of a professional provider "taking sides."

We decided to use a Team Approach to service delivery. This seemed like the best way to ensure that there were multiple perspectives and experiences of each family receiving services. It is human nature to become accustomed to a situation, to begin to generalize from our past experience in that situation, and then to lose accuracy and completeness in the experience.

We recognized that everyone has biases, prejudices, beliefs, and values that filter our daily experiences. It made sense to us that multiple professionals interacting with the same family would produce a much more accurate picture of parent-child relationships over time.

We also recognized that we all have had the experience of instantly liking or disliking someone. We knew this would happen for staff members and for clients. We decided early on that these responses would not dictate staffing assignments.

Staff members needs to be able to observe and document accurately regardless of personal reactions to someone. Skill development for a professional includes learning how to self-observe negative reactions to a person or behavior and then document without prejudice or editing.

Parents need to focus on just spending time with their children. Countless times over the past 27 years, parents have complained about the prejudice of a staff member. When we review the notes in these cases, 9 out of 10 times we find that the documentation provided a picture of a good parent and a positive parent-child relationship.

The parent was having a negative reaction to the Team Member and made the assumption that it meant the person didn't like the parent and that the Team Member would document with a negative tone. Imagine if we changed Team Members or assigned Team Members based on the requests of a parent. That would be bias or at the very least the appearance of bias.

Hannah's House has successfully used the Team Approach to forensic service delivery for over 27 years. We do assign one staff person to particular cases but only when there is a clearly documented medical reason for such an assignment.

We are the eyes and ears of the judge who will never meet the children, at least in most cases. We have a legal, moral, and ethical obligation to provide the clearest possible picture of the family. The Team Approach helps us meet all of these obligations in a forensically validated manner.

Questioning Children in Supervised Visitation: Guidance for Moms and Dads

Supervised visitation can be a challenge in a number of ways. One of those is figuring out what questions are okay to ask your child and which ones need to be avoided.

The purpose of supervised visitation to to ensure that the parent-child relationship is safe and protected and as nurturing as possible for the child.

Part of protecting the child is making sure they are not put in the position of feeling caught in the middle in any way between the two parents!

Questions should be asked in a way that does not limit the Child’s response to giving only specific information OR require the Child to provide details about the other parent's life/home!

Some of the examples below are based on the parent already having information about the child.

OKAY (general & child-oriented)
How is school?
What is your favorite subject?
Did you have a good week?
Are those new shoes? They look really nice!
Did you have a nice vacation?
Did you get a haircut?
Have you had lunch yet? If not, let's eat together.
Did your doctor’s appointment go ok?
Did you have fun with your friends at school today? (On a school night)

NOT OKAY (specific & detail-oriented)
Where do you go to school?
What is your teacher’s name?
Who brought you to the visit?
Are those new shoes? Who gave you those shoes?Where did you go on vacation? Who went? How did you travel?
Who cut your hair?
Have you had lunch yet? When and where did you eat lunch?
What doctor did you go to?Who are your friends at school?

Children in supervised visitaiton can initiate any topic they want, including information they should not give!!

If the other parent has sole legal custody, do not allow the Child to give any details about school, dentist, doctor, coaches, troop leaders, teachers, etc. even if the Child is the one initiating.

Either the parent or the Supervisor should gently but quickly interrupt the Child to prevent the disclosure. If Child discloses info, the Supervisor will write a note to the other parent about it and pass it at end of visit. This is done to protect everyone in the situation.

By the way, it is equally important that the child not be grilled with questions by the other parent once the supervised visitation is over. Children need to be greeted with a warm smile, hug and an invitation to reconnect and move on with the day.

Children Need Relationships with Both Parents

Coparenting is a critical aspect of all of our lives. All children are conceived by at least two parents. In the case of adoption, surrogacy, and other family constellations some start out with more than two.

Research over the last 30 years has pushed and pulled family professionals toward the understanding that virtually all children will be coparented and virtually all families coparent.

Coparents who compete with each other by trying to have the child become an ally with one parent against the other provide an unsafe family structure for the child.

The child is left with few options except: (1) to become a go-between, (2) to choose one parent over the other, or (3) withdraw from both parents at least in any genuine sense of connection.

A coparent who tries to eliminate the competition by alienating or estranging the children from the other coparent risks alienating or estranging the child from parts of him or herself as the child struggles for a sense of identity in an unsafe and unbalanced family system.

Children need a protective family structure and coparenting is especially important in providing the safety, security and continuity so critical to the child's healthy development.

If you can't respect and cooperate with your coparent, then shift your perspective and try respecting and cooperating with the part of your child that needs his or her own experience of that other parent in order to develop a strong, clear and autonomous sense of self in the world.

When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about the other coparent, try inserting your child's name and face instead.

Cooperative coparenting is about valuing the needs of the child and respecting all of who your child is, not just the part that you contributed.

Navigating the aftermath of the break up of a family is difficult for everyone. At least the grown ups have tools and resources to find their way. The children do not. They are relying on us, the grown ups, to support them in finding their way.

Transitional Coparenting

Transition is a word we all know. It means that something in my life is changing and I am in-between what used-to-be and what is-to-come. It means I don’t know how long I will be in-between.

Stress is a word we also all know. And most people understand that there is helpful/positive stress, and hurtful/negative stress.

Some transitions are a normal part of life and there are social/cultural rituals that support those transitions and the people going through them:

1 Birth of a child and every single thing that child learns to do for years to come!

2 Child starting pre-school and each significant transition through the academic years!
3 Engagement and marriage

4 Death of parents and grand-parents

Some transitions are unplanned, unexpected, shocking, and traumatic. These are transitions that do not happen to everybody.

These are transitions accompanied by a sense of isolation, judgment by others or fear of that judgment.

Divorce, separation, the break-up of a family…this is one of those unexpected transitions that don’t happen to everybody.

This is a transition that changes everything in our lives. Just the logistics can be overwhelming.

1 Someone has to move.

2 The legal system gets involved.

3 Extended family and friends take sides.

4 The division of labor in the household no longer exists – both parents become single parents.

This list is endless and truly includes almost every single aspect of who we are in our home, in our families, and in our communities.

Regardless of the trigger, transitions have three basic components.

T rusting
R eal
A nxieties

The fears and worries you have a real. Others may want to minimize them, to reassure you. Find people who understand that this transition is going to last a long time and you need to be able to feel the fears that go with that.

N eeding
S pecific
I nformation

Seek information from many sources! Don't just take that referral for a go-for-the-throat family law attorney because you are feeling afraid. Take a deep breath and honor yourself and your children enough to do some research. Find out everything that is available. Don't stop exploring until you are sure you understand all of your choices.

T o
I dentify
O ur
N ext
S tep

Once you understand your choices, it's time to make a decision. Don't try to solve everything at once. Just make a decision about the next thing you absolutely need to address. If you can take it just one step at a time, you will be less likely to make mistakes that will add to your stress.

Transitional coparenting often begins long before the household breaks apart into 2 separate homes. Tension, fighting, betrayal, fear – these feelings are usually part of the coparenting relationship even before the parents live in 2 separate homes.

Bad habits, automatic actions and reactions are created before either parent is even aware that it is happening.

Very few families break apart easily. New hurts occur in the process and intensify the old ones. This happens to everyone in the family. Unfortunately, the focus is all too often on the experience of the grown-ups. The parents are so focused on each other that neither is really protecting the children. More likely, the parents are competing to look as if they are protecting the children.

Sadly, both parents are probably focused on protecting the children from the other parent and not focused on protecting the children from the trauma of the parents not being friends anymore.

Transitional coparenting means:

1 keeping your own feelings about the other parent to yourself.

2 never saying anything negative about the other parent to or in front of the children.

3 reassuring children that both parents will always love them.

4 explaining that both parents have figured out that they just can’t live together anymore and it has nothing to do with the children.

5 saying “mommy” or “daddy” when referring to the other parent

6 communicating only about the children if the email or text is focused on coparenting

7 asking for support and change, rather than making demands

8 honoring the choices you made for the sake of your children.

Transitional coparenting is hard work. There will be many times when you want to explode or scream or rant in pain, hurt, or anger. You will have to delay, restrain yourself, and wait until the children have gone to bed or gone to be with the other parent.

Transitional coparenting means taking advantage of every moment you have when the children are not present, to take a deep breath and feel all the feelings about your marriage, your life, that other person who hurt or disappointed you.

Transitional coparenting means preparing for reuniting with your children every single time they come back. You want to be ready for them, welcoming, and as emotionally clear as you possibly can be.

You chose to create a child with the other parent…don’t hurt your child by letting them know that you have changed your mind. Reassure your child every day in every way that you love him or her just the way they are. Cherish the wonder of the child you and the other parent created and find ways to cherish the ways that child is like the other parent.

If you reject the other parent, you reject your child.

Find a support group for Moms or Dads of 2-home children. Start therapy. Take a coparenting class. Take a parenting class.

Bottom line: The transition of restructuring a family from 1 home to 2 homes takes a long time. And you are in this for the long haul, right?

Take care of yourself in some way every day, or you will not be able to take care of your children.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.

Why Isn't This Considered Child Abuse?

A 5 year old returns to his mother's house and asks his step-father, "does my mommy really love my daddy more than she loves you?" An 8 year old returns from a week-end spent with her father, and tells her mother "it's your fault that daddy doesn't have any money anymore." A 14 year old, angry when her father won't buy her a new cell phone, tells her father "you're a loser anyway who can't even pay child support and spends all your money on your girlfriend." The parent who hears these words from a child rarely reacts in a helpful way to the child because it is so clear the child is echoing something heard in the home of the other parent. And the immediate response is almost always in reaction to the other parent, as the parent demands "why would your mommy tell you that?" Or exclaims "your daddy has plenty of money?" Or sarcastically says "gee, I wonder where you heard that?!"

The parents who talk to their children or even in front of their children about the child's other parent are engaging in parental alienation behaviors. For most parents, these moments are rare and typically occur only in the first few months of the transition from living together in one home to living apart in two homes. These hurtful disclosures are also rarely intentional and most parents regret the words almost as soon as they are spoken when they realize the hurt they have inflicted on their child.

Unfortunately about 10-15% of parents struggling with family break up either don't notice that they are hurting their child, or they don't care because they place a much higher priority on making sure that the child knows which one of their parents is good and which one is bad, which one is right and which one is wrong. These parents have deficits, either temporary or permanent, that prevent them from being able to protect their children from abuse and maltreatment.

So why isn't it child abuse when a parent repeatedly engages in behavior that is clearly harmful to the child? The answer is complicated. Children are rarely protected from the psychological abuse of a parent, whether the family situation emerges in a Juvenile Court context (Welfare & Institutions Code) and or in a Family Court context (Family Code.) The exception in both Juvenile Court and Family Court is domestic violence. Children exposed to domestic violence in the home are considered to have been victims of child abuse and the law requires that those children be protected from further abuse. Exposure includes visual and/or auditory and does not include any physical abuse of the child.

Domestic violence exposure was not always considered to be child abuse. It came to be categorized as child abuse as a direct result of research documenting the devastating effects on children exposed to parental violence. The harm to these child victims of exposure to domestic violence occurred regardless of whether the domestic violence between the adults included physical harm to one of the adults. Perhaps the research on parental alienation behaviors will eventually result in similar changes to the law in order to protect children exposed to parental psychological abuse from a life time of problems startlingly similar to those documented in children exposed to parental domestic violence: low self-esteem leading to depression and alcohol/drug addiction; relationship difficulties involving psychological control and manipulation; and excessive dependency on others for approval and attention that prevents self-sufficiency and adequate adult adjustment.

Parents who use parental alienation strategies with the intent of harming the child's relationship with their other parent, can be considered to be psychologically maltreating their children. The expression of these strategies inevitably and directly results in children feeling worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only of value in meeting another's needs, a commonly accepted definition of psychological maltreatment proposed by Binggeli, Hart, & Brassard.

Parents who use alienating strategies also behave in other ways that add the child's feeling of being abused and mistreated. They intrude on the child's life in every area in order to prevent the child from feeling comfortable or safe anywhere except in the presence of the abusive parent. Parents who abuse their children lack empathy and are unable to accept or acknowledge any needs or perceptions the child may express that are different form those of the parent. This lack of empathy and intolerance of interpersonal differences are the hallmarks of the child abuser.

For now, it is an unusual experience for a child victim of parental alienation behaviors to be removed from or protected from the abusive, intrusive parent. The parent's constitutional rights usually take precedence over the child's need for safety and security because there is not adequate proof or belief that the child needs protection. When a judge does see and understand the profound psychological damage to the child, they find themselves stuck for adequate intervention strategies. In most communities, there just are not adequate resources available to provide all members of an estranged and traumatized family with any hope of finding some peace and resolution. Hopefully, these community challenges will be addressed.

These real world realities and limitations do not change the fact that it's child abuse. Any parenting behavior engaged in with the intent of doing harm to a child's sense of love, safety and well-being in their family relationships is, in fact, child abuse. Perhaps it's time to just call it what it is instead of denying it. Like any real problem that interferes with a positive life, the first step to being able to solve a problem is to admit that it is a problem.

Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort

For many years, I have used the metaphor of a PLANT to teach basic parenting skills. P is for protecting. LA is for listening actively. N is for nurturing. T is for teaching. The basic idea is that the child, like the plant, needs to be thoughtfully placed in the proper environment; watched for signs of health and thriving versus signs of deprivation; provided adequate amounts of sun, shade, water, and fertilizer; and pruned at the right time in the right way for maximum health and growth. The child, like the plant, cannot thrive if it is left in its pot, placed haphazardly wherever it is convenient, then passed by with occasional thoughts of "I really need to move that, plant that, water that, prune that, fertilize that" and so on.

Unlike a plant, we can't just throw away the neglected child and go find or buy a new one. Neglect of a child, if unmitigated by enough positive parenting, can lead to a lifetime of challenges and struggles. Bringing a child into the world is a choice, whether we make that decision through a planned and loving decision with a committed partner or through an unplanned pregnancy. But neglect of a child is rarely a conscious choice for a parent. Neglect emerges in the context of our own life challenges and struggles when they overwhelm our ability to meet even the very basic needs of a child.

Once a parent is overwhelmed, children are at risk unless there is adequate support in the circle of people who love that child and in the community which supports all of the children who live there. Unfortunately, parents often don't discover the lack of support until they desperately need it. They must rely on luck, fate and the kindness of strangers to help them find their way. This is especially true when the break-up of the family is the source of the stress, and the circle of people who love the child begin to take sides, break into camps, and badmouth the group on the other side of the divide.

What does all of this have to do with "Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort?" Putting our children first is easy and enjoyable when we enough resources internally and externally to do so. When a family breaks apart, no one is the same. The emotional and physical changes are dramatic. Children suddenly feel afraid that a parent who has left will never come back; that the parent who stays may quit loving them, too; that their heart will break.

Children can't wait for a parent to stabilize after the capsize of the family any more than a plant can wait for someone to notice that they are dying from a lack of care. Children need to be "put first" as quickly as possible during family transition and parents need to keep it as simple as possible. Children don't need big amounts of toys/goodies, money, or special outings. Children do need frequent and reliable focused tending from both parents and with anyone in the circle of people who love them that would be usual for them, pre-breakup!

Research on families in transition has taught us that there are a couple of things parents can do daily that will build a stable bridge to a new life for everyone in the family. First, pay attention to the daily/weekly transitions for the child to ensure routine, preparation and predictability; and, second, show warmth and affection toward your child at least once a day! So, if parents focus on just 3 things during the first hour or so of the day, children will make it through the major changes safely: time, intention, and effort.

All 3 can be accomplished with few just a moments of the day. Each time you leave your child or reunify with your child, greet him or her, make eye contact, smile, hug, kiss, and take a moment to connect. Tell and show the child you are happy to see them, or tell them when you will see them next, not that you missed them or that you will miss them. "I missed you" takes on a whole new meaning when the child is now separated from you due to catastrophic life changes over which they have no control.  Don't burden them with your sense of loss. Make transitions warm, secure and routine. This one focused change conveys to the child all of the elements of time, intention and effort because they feel it, they experience it every time there is a transition.

Experience is how children learn about themselves and about the world, including how to be in a close and loving relationship which is what they learn from us, their parents! Parents don't need to be a perfect gardener for their growing child, just good enough. For the plant, enough sun, enough shade, enough water, enough food, and enough pruning. For the child, enough protection, enough listening actively, enough nurturing and and enough teaching.


Song: Plant a Radish

To Turn a Child Against a Parent Is To Turn A Child Against Himself / Herself

"Parental alienation" is a controversial label. In part this is related to Dr. Richard Gardner's early attempts to create a diagnostic category of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). The attempt was well-intentioned and opened an area of discussion and inquiry that contributed significantly to awareness and understanding a critical dynamic in many Family Court cases. PAS itself was, not surprisingly, discredited. The reasons are complicated and varied, and relate directly to the extraordinary diversity of problematic family dynamics which present in families as they separate and then reconstitute in new formations.

Dr. Douglas Darnall, author of Divorce Casualties, further contributed to this important topic when he sought to differentiate PAS, the syndrome, from the alienating behaviors coparents use to diminish each others parental roles when caught in a struggle over custody of a child. His contribution was essential to ensuring that the dynamic itself did not disappear from our conversations with mothers, fathers, and other adults in care-providing roles with a child learning to live between 2 homes.

Dr. Richard A. Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, has also made significant contributions to our exploration of those parental behaviors designed to turn a child against his or her parent. His book is an excellent resource for parents who have been designated by the court system as "High-Conflict" as they try to understand how their own behavior may contribute to the stress on the children.

While there is still no consensus on the issue of Parental Alienation, most mental health professionals with forensic experience know that many parents compete for the love and favor of their children during difficult family transitions rather than working to shield their children from the stress and strain of the adult traumas. This fear-and-anger fueled competition leads to behaviors which hurt children, though often not intentionally. Few parents set out with the goal of hurting their own children as they work so hard to carve out a significant place in their child's life.

Rather parental behaviors which alienate the child from the other parent and, ultimately, from him or herself, occur out of a sense of desperation, powerlessness, or hopelessness. No parent knows how he or she might respond if the vital role of Mom or Dad is threatened in a profound and lasting way. Parents in that position are often quick to explain that they would never say anything bad about the other parent to their son or daughter. These parents don't realize that words are not required. The negativity toward the other parent is usually felt so deeply by the child that no words are necessary. 

Losing time with and the opportunity to care for a child is painful for a parent. Losing a sense of safety and security in the world is terrifying for a child. The child's need for reassurance must trump the parent's need for self-worth if that parental sense of integrity comes at the expense of the child's innocence and trust in those who are supposed to ensure it. If you are struggling with your own sense of competence and worth as you make difficult family transitions, reach out for help. There are coparenting classes, support groups, and affordable therapeutic services for families in transition. You do not have to do it alone.

San Diego's Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House provides these support services and more. Email today TransitionsSD@gmail.com

Loving All of Your Child When You Hate the Other Parent

The other parent is in my child and my child is of his father as much as he is of me. I see it in his smile and the wrinkle of his nose. I hear it in his laugh and his distinctive voice. I marvel at the comfort of his extroversion that could have only come from his father. Today I have affection for all of these wonderful ways in which my son is like his father. But I struggled mightily in earlier years to find ways to love and nurture all of my son, and to support him becoming the young man he is today.

Asked if they love their child almost all parents would say "of course, I do! How could you even ask that question?" But in the world of divorce, broken families, custody battles and tension-filled co-parenting relationships, it is a question that needs to be asked slowly, thoughtfully and repeatedly to help parents overcome their denial about the direct damage done to a child who is raised by a parent who dislikes, mistrusts, or even hates half of who that child is.

Learning to love all of who your child is following the break-up of your relationship requires a strong commitment to developing a new set of parenting skills to protect your child over the long term from your adult emotions, judgments and disappointments.

Step 1 is learning to control your eye rolls, winks, sighs, hand signals, voice tone, whispered criticisms, and snide or sarcastic references to the other parent and his or her friends, family and values.

Step 2 is learning to communicate with the other parent ONLY about coparenting matters and doing so in a straightforward manner without hooks, barbs, innuendo, condescension or innuendo

Step 3 is finding a way to show basic respect for the other parent's contribution to your child's spirit, presence, personality, physicality, existence.

Step 4 is communicating that respect to your child in a manner that is genuine - children can tell when you are faking it.

Step 5 is skill development through practice-practice-practice.

Skills include a combination of:
1 noticing your emotional reactions/over-reactions,
2 restraining yourself,
3 talking your reactions over with other neutral adults,
4 learning when you need to initiate a communication
5 learning when you need to respond to a communication,
6 drafting and saving;
7 editing and saving;
8 editing and deleting OR editing and sending.
9 sending ONLY when you have determined that the response is appropriate and necessary,
10 limiting communication to 40 words or less and focused on just 1 topic, no more than 1 per day unless it is an urgent matter needing to be resolved in less than 24 hours.

Unless you truly have an "amicable" break-up, it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to a couple of years to sort all this out and begin to have some sense of competence about your coparenting. In the meantime, find some support from people who will help you be wise and mindful about your self care and the needs of your child.

Right of First Refusal in Family Law Cases

Right of first refusal (ROFR or RFR) is a contractual right that gives its holder (the parent) the option to enter a business transaction with the owner of something (the child/ren), according to specified terms, before the owner (the parent/s) is entitled to enter into that transaction with a third party (extended family of origin and family of choice).

In brief, the right of first refusal is similar in concept to a call option. An ROFR can cover almost any sort of asset, including real estate, personal property, a patent license, a screenplay, or an interest in a business.........wait just a minute! Where are children in this list? Hmmmmmm. . .

It might also cover business transactions that are not strictly assets ....okay, then, here it comes... such as the right to enter a joint venture or distribution arrangement. . . Huh?! Again, where are the children??? Where do they fit?

In entertainment, a right of first refusal on a concept or a screenplay would give the holder the right to make that movie first. Only if the holder turns it down may the owner then shop it around to other parties. Geez...I am just not getting this!

Because an ROFR is a contract right, the holder's remedies for breach are typically limited to recovery of damages. In other words, if the owner sells the asset to a third party without offering the holder the opportunity to purchase it first, the holder can then sue the owner for damages but may have a difficult time obtaining a court order to stop or reverse the sale. Ohhhhhh....now I get it!

So, if I ask my best friend to trade overnights for our children so that we can each have some grown-up time, I can be sued by my coparent to recover the damages done to....now I am lost again. What are the damages? My child loves my best friend and her children so that can't be where the damages occur. My child can't wait to have my best friend's children spend the night at our house as soon as possible so that can't be where the damages occur. I get a little grown-up time which allows me to replenish myself, feel awesome about my life, and excited to reunite with my child, so that can't be where the damages occur. 

However, in some cases the option becomes a property right that may be used to invalidate an improper sale. This makes no sense at all! How in the world is somebody going to go back in time and take away the experience of fun, happiness, and joy my child experienced when he got to spend the night at his friends' house!?

I don't know about you but I am thinking that this whole concept of a Right of first refusal (ROFR) is completely inappropriate in the context of Family Law.  First of all, children aren't property, and second, coparenting is not about the rights/ownership of the parent; it's about the well-being of the child!
Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!

Ahhhh, the Holidays!

I can tell the holidays are here again because parents fighting over children has escalated at Hannah's House -- right now it's costumes and Trick-or-Treating. Soon it will be fights about when the family eats the turkey and what time that absolutely must happen! I met a 30 year old woman recently who spoke about how much she hates Thanksgiving and Christmas now because of the way her parents fought over her when she was a little girl. She said that there are not any good memories for her, just bad ones. Tension, fear, competition, and being caught in the middle between her mom and dad. She remembers trying to tell her parents to stop fighting, that she didn't care what time of day she hate turkey, that she didn't care if she had to eat turkey twice in one day, and that she didn't care what day she celebrated the holiday. All she wanted was for her parents to get along.

That is what most children of divorce and separation want, for their parents to get along. So what does that look like from the child's point of view? Here are some ideas! Let us play with our friends, wherever they are. Let us share a meal with Mom and Dad during the holiday week-end -- that's right -- the REAL day does not matter to a child. Lamenting the loss of family tradition is a coward's way out and sometimes that of a very selfish person pretending to be a grown-up. Sound harsh? I suppose so. But I have been helping children navigate the stormy and threatening seas of parental disputes over these holidays for over twenty years and things just don't seem to change.

What will your child associate with important cultural/family holidays? Fighting, tension, and the pretense of happiness? Or will it be compromise and a spirit of sharing? What a great opportunity to teach your child about cooperation, positive solutions and finding the win-win for everybody in the family -- I hope you seize this chance to be kind and generous with your child this year. After all, a family is a circle of people who love you and your child deserves to experience that circle of love during this holiday season

Happy 2013 Holidays! Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!

What's Age Got to Do With It?

Children who get caught in the middle during family break-up are at risk for mental, emotional, and even physical health compromise depending on several important factors. Age at the time of the trauma, co-parents ability to get the child out of the middle and keep them out of the middle, and protective factors in the child's life are critical to long-term healthy adjustment.

Younger children, in general, tend to fare better if the parents are able to act like grown ups and take responsibility for the decisions they made that placed their child in a difficult family situation. If a parent continues to blame the other parent and hold themselves faultless beyond a year after the break-up, the child is less likely to make an adequate adjustment. Parents are role models and most want to teach their child to be fair and responsible in relationships. "Do as I say and not as I do" is a sure way to breed confusion, resentment, and acting-out or acting-in for children; especially when the negativity is directed at the child's Mom or Dad. A simple question for a young child: How can you hate that person so much and not hate me? That's my Mom! That's my Dad! If you can quit loving him/her, can you quit loving me?

If a parent is too immature, too cutoff from a support system, or troubled by undiagnosed/untreated mental health problems to provide adequate care and protection for the young child, that child may have no escape from the emotional war zone. And children who grow up in a war zone suffer long term emotional, mental and physical health consequences because there is no break from the tumult and the stress.

Pre-teens and teens are often more compromised than young children by the family break-up. Parents in the midst of intense emotional upheaval tend to treat the older child as a sounding board or a confidante and are more likely to pressure them to take sides in the conflict. It's easier for a parent to justify or even ignore the burden of putting a teen the position of an adult than it is with a young child. The good news for the older child? He or she is much more likely to have protective factors that can mediate the negative effect of a toxic parent, because they often have relationships with caring adults outside the family at school and in the larger community!

Parents with children who are in a relationship that is troubled owe it to themselves and owe it to their children to learn as much as possible about how to make the transition from a family who lives together to a family who lives apart in an informed and thoughtful way. Sometimes that doesn't seem possible because a specific problem like domestic violence, substance abuse, or mental illness is at the root of the break-up.

If you are a parent facing the transition of a family break-up, whatever the situation, reach out for support and information! You do not have to do it alone. There are many people who have done it successfully, and many people working on making the same transition. Learn what helps and hurts children who are the age of yours. Find out what kind of co-parenting relationship might work best in your situation. Investigate all of the alternatives available to avoid the trauma of Family Court litigation. The resources are there for you and for your children.

Parenting is Very Personal!

Parents love their children, and feel strongly about providing care and support to help them. Parents aren't neutral about their children. Yet parents who are sharing parenting responsibilities with a co-parent living in a different home, frequently rush to reassure themselves and other people "Oh, no, I don't ever say anything bad about my co-parent, I am neutral!!" Really? I don't believe it, because it's not believable. Try replacing the word "neutral" with one of its synonyms to understand how ingenuine the use of this word is: impartial, unbiased, unprejudiced, objective, disinterested, detached, impersonal, unemotional, indifferent, uncommitted...

Children end up with hurt feelings when parents don't support them. Children feel confused when parents ignore their interests and needs. Ask parents if they think it is important to listen to their children and to nurture their interests, and most parents would wonder why you would even ask such a question. They would say,"What do you think? Of course I think it's important. I love my child. How can you even ask that!?!?!"

Most parents intuitively know that children often need encouragement the most at times of transition, whether they are the little transitions of daily life like getting up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and getting in the car with all the gear needed for the day -- or big transitions like the break-up of the family. The difference is that parents know how to cope with the ordinary transitions of daily life. Break-up of the family overwhelms the coping skills of everyone in the family.

Parents don't usually think of themselves as "co-parents" until the couple relationship ends, even though they may have years of co-parenting experience to draw on. And, like most of our life experience, some of it has been positive and helpful, and some of it has probably been more negative and unhelpful. Families break apart because the grown-ups have differences that can't be resolved. Inevitably some of those differences are in the area parenting and, unfortunately, one or both parents tend to paint the other parent as "the bad parent" and him or herself as "the good parent." As the Executive Director at Hannah's House, I have personally had the experience of a parent telling me they are "the good one."

My heart hurts when I hear these words or perceive this attitude/belief in a parent. I hurt because it is an impossibly painful situation for the child. It means the child is "half good" and "half bad." And, no, parents don't go to that next step because they just are not thinking about the whole child. In fact, that mom or dad isn't thinking about the child at all. They are focused on their own needs, feelings, and shaky identity with no regard for the child. It's not intentional and it will not last. At least it won't last for the vast majority of parents because sanity will return. But what damage is done to the child as the parent struggles to find a sense of equilibrium again?

Neutral just is not possible for a parent even under the very best of circumstances! And it is completely impossible when the parent is hurt and their dreams shattered. If you are a friend or family member of a parent striving to be "neutral" when really what they are is angry, frustrated, hurt, depressed and so on, then please speak up. Validate the pain and grief of loss that goes with the break-up of the family and support that parent in acknowledging and supporting ALL of who their child is, not just PART of the child. The way children end up with a facade, a false self, a loss of childhood spontaneity and pleasure, is through the neglect of their emotional and psychological well-being by the most important adults in their life: Mom and Dad.

So, please don't be neutral! Speak up, help, support, and be a friend. Be a thoughtful and loving family member. Suggest a co-parenting class, counseling or therapy, a support group, something to help Moms and Dads get the support and information they need to deal with one of the most difficult life transitions a person can navigate.

Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!

Why “Here and Now?”

STAY IN THE HERE AND NOW is one of the toughest guidelines for parents to follow in the supervised visitation environment. It is hard for them to simply be with their child, play together, and participate in shared activities and shared experiences.

Adults relate to a large degree by asking questions and children do not. If you watch and listen to children of almost any age you will not hear them interacting by asking and answering questions. They look at each other, greet each other, and immediately engage with each other in some kind of activity.

Pay attention, parents, because that is how children connect and relate to people. Exploration and experience in a shared relationship with significant others leads to emotional connection, feelings of security and happiness, and moments of shared humor and enjoyment. Spending time in the "now" with another human being is how you create, maintain, nurture, develop, rekindle, or rebuild relationships.

Children live in the present moment, not in the past. Very young children do not even have any idea what yesterday, today, and tomorrow mean. Actually, they don't even understand "wait just a second." They only know "NOW." The child is hungry NOW! The child wants picked up NOW! The child wants you to hand them something they are pointing at that you can't even identify NOW! And so on.

Many parents who have experienced a separation from their child/ren want to show pictures of good times they have had in the past. Or they want to bring a home video from the past from a birthday party or some special event to show the child. These tangible, concrete objects have great meaning for the adult who has well-developed cognition and memory, including the ability to invest strong mental and emotional energy into people, places, things, and ideas.

Children are not just small adults...they are different in every way. Their brains work completely differently from grown-ups. For example, if an adult hears the phrase "the Prince of Wales" or "the Princess of Wales" they think of a royal personage with a particular lineage and place in the world. Children may just get confused because they had no idea that Sea World even had a Prince or Princess!! So instead of bringing photos or a home video, bring a ball, or balloon, or bubbles, or a game. Bring something you can talk about and enjoy together in the NOW!

If something makes a Child think about the past it is because something right in front of them that they are experiencing right this moment links them back to an image, word, idea, or feeling. The key is EXPERIENCING not thinking or talking. And that link is quite transitory and may not even be expressed in a way that an adult will know that it occurred. However, parents often bring up the past as a way to get the Child to focus on something that is meaningful to the parent but it's not going to connect that Child to the parent in a helpful way if at all. That is because it has nothing to do with what the Child is experiencing with all of his or her senses in the NOW! It takes the Child completely out of the very moment in direct relationship to the parent which is really where that parent wants the Child to find and feel a meaningful connection.

"Do you remember when..." is usually an attempt, often benign and misdirected, to manipulate the Child’s thoughts and feelings as a way of reassuring the parent that the Child remembers and loves the parent. That dramatic shift in focus away from NOW -- which may not even be understood by the Child -- makes it harder for the Child to just be present, connect, play, and interact. The physical, emotional and mental presence and focus of the parent in the HERE AND NOW is what will naturally create or remind the Child of a positive emotional experience with the parent.

Another common inclination of adults is to talk about the future. "Maybe someday we can...." Again, don't go there. The "future" for children is much, much sooner than the "future" for a parent. Do you remember the night before a special day when you were 3 or 5 or 13 or even 15?! That night seemed to last FOREVER :-(

Adults are reassured by the notion that "someday things will be different." And that's a good thing because it helps us hang in there, do the next step, tolerate the inconvenience, find opportunity in the chaos and so on. Not so much with children. The best example is the drive from you home to Disneyland. How many times do the kids say either "are we there yet" or "how much longer 'til we're there?" Pay attention parents. Try to think about what you say from the perspective of your child. And if you don't know how a 3 or 5 or 13 or 15 year old thinks...Google it!

Parents in supervised visitation sometimes make a casual reference to their Child like, "maybe next visit we will...." The next visit comes and the other parents might tell the Supervisor that the Child hasn't been fed because the visiting parent had told the Child at the end of the last visit that they would walk to a nearby restaurant this week. Then the visiting parent shows up with no intention of going to the nearby restaurant because, to the adult, it was a maybe plan and not a promise. Not so for the Child who may be anywhere from disappointed to inconsolable and that Child is HUNGRY NOW! Future promises are incredibly easy for a parent to make even when they are unaware that is how it is experienced by the Child. Safest to stay in the NOW or make sure you remember what you suggest/promise for the next visit and deliver on that.

If you think that your Child needs reassurance right NOW because he or she is having feelings that hurt, how about saying, "I love you," or "I with I could make you feel better, but I will always love you." Stay in the NOW and provide nurturing in the NOW. That will reassure your Child that you are here for them and that you are strong enough and capable enough to handle their sad or hurt or lonely or angry feelings.

There are plenty of resources available for parents to read and learn about the developmental ages, stages, needs and appropriate parenting approaches for children of any age. Take advantage of that and be proactive. If you are someone who learns better by reading, listening and discussing information, then take a parenting or co-parenting class.

We are all able to only live in the NOW. Our brains may be able to take us into the past and project into the future, but that is not where we live. Most adults need to pray, meditate, exercise, do yoga, and engage in a multitude of other behaviors in order to just be in the present moment. Your Child wakes up in the moment and lives there all day long. Learn from your Child/ren. They have much to teach all of us.

Cooperative Coparenting Strategies for the Holidays

The holidays are a time for sharing and caring, giving and receiving, feeling and expressing gratitude and love. It's a time for making lists that detail our priorities in our closest human relationships. And for those who are parenting 2-home children, it's a time to do all of these wonderful activities in the context of what may be a challenging coparenting relationship.

So here are some strategies to keep in mind to create peaceful and loving holidays for 2-home children and their Moms and Dads:

1 Remember that children don't care which day the celebration occurs as long as it's close enough for all their loved ones to participate!

2 Compromise is definitely in the spirit of the season...winning and losing are not useful ways of making decisions about holidays - really an incompatible approach!

3 A family is a circle of people who love you. Our 2-home children are lucky to have not 1 but 2 circles of such people!

4 Say yes to sharing time with your child with extended family and friends. Love is synergistic, the more you give the more you receive.

5 The best gift is our time and unconditional love, not stuff!

6 If you need to ask for a schedule change let your coparent have first choice on the make-up time/alternative schedule!

7 Keep your communication cordial and business like at a minimum! Kind and respectful is even better, especially if you can add just a bit of GENUINE warmth :-)

8 Offer to help and support your child in making or buying a gift for their mom or dad, and include step-mom/step-dad if appropriate. Set a budget and create clear opportunities to make it happen!

9 Honor the old traditions and create new ones!

10 Love all of who your child is by respecting your coparent whether your child is present or not!

If we try to respond instead of reacting we are more likely to enjoy the holidays. Emotions run high for everyone this time of year so take a deep breath and think it through before you speak, text, email, tweet, or post an update!!

Have a wonderful holiday season.

Susan Griffin, MS
Executive Director
Hannah's House San Diego
Parenting Help

Seal Beach California Custody Dispute Ends in Murder

So incredibly sad. Devastating, really, for so many people, so many families, an entire community. An act of violence in the context of family/intimate relationships is always shocking and horrific even for the people who say "I saw it coming." And sometimes it seems predictable because we do know something about patterns in domestic violence relationships. But these acts of intimate family violence are not identical and they do not follow a progression that can be clearly identified and so they can rarely be prevented.

None of us really know how we would react if our relationship with our child was threatened. And no one knows which parents in the midst of these custody disputes in the family court will act out violently against self, other, or both. In this case, the father was the one who crossed some invisible line between hopefulness and hopelessness and took final and fatal action.

The couple divorced in 2007, and the battle over the child continued unabated for over four years. The day prior to the shooting, the father's request for primary custody was denied by the court based on a custody evaluation that concluded that the 50/50 shared parenting plan was working well for the child. While a final decision was delayed until yet another hearing December 20, 2011, the emotional upheaval after such a decision is often like a powerful earthquake for some people. It may shake the very foundation on which they stand, on which they have built a life because the outcome they seek provides the sole meaning in life. The sense of hopelessness that follows the perceived failure in their pursuit of justice can be so overwhelming that suicide or homicide feels like the only option. And so people act out of that hopelessness.

Four years is a long time to be at war. It would wear anybody down. And families are often shocked by the lack of fairness and justice in family court when parents are unable to make their own agreements and decision about their children. If parents can't agree, they must rely on the best efforts of professionals working in an often over-burdened system ruled by laws and procedures that feel adversarial and intimidating. And the process is slow and frustrating. For example, a high conflict family may have 70-80 court hearings over the course of four years, and still have no final decision.

While there is no exoneration or redemption for the human being who acts out in such a violent manner, it is possible that there could have been a different outcome for this family had the system been better equipped to provide adequate support to intervene earlier to help the parties cope with the losses that accompany divorce and changes in custody. These are huge transitions and the adversarial setting of the family court is often not conducive to helping the parties cool down and be able to disagree in a civil and business-like manner. Alternative dispute resolution approaches are used by some jurisdictions, and mental health intervention approaches are used by some.

One example of an under-utilized tool for families in the early stages of family upheaval is called supervised exchange. This service has the potential to provide the parents with a buffer zone that can help prevent escalation of the fear, anxiety and anger that are often present as the parents separate and try to rebuild their lives. Emotions run high when there has been a custody dispute over sharing of the children. These disputes are rooted in the belief of one parent that the other parent is "unfit" in some way. So declarations are written and a case presented to a judge who decides whether the allegations of unfitness are believable and rise to a level as to potentially represent a threat to the health and well-being of the child.

This process takes time. Typically these allegations/accusations are made and remain unresolved for 3-4 months before there is actually a court hearing and the possibility of a decision. For one parent this may mean that they completely lose contact with their children for that period of time if the other parent withholds them. They cope with the loss, grief and emotional pain of that loss. For the parent who has taken charge of the children, they tend to become increasingly committed to their belief that that they are in the right.

Supervised exchanges allow the children to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House without the parents having any contact with each other during the transition between the homes. A professional trained in assisting with these transitions acts as a go-between so the parents are able to express their needs and concerns and even communicate appropriate coparenting information without the emotional challenges of direct contact with each other. The children are freed from the fear of their parents fighting every time they see other, and the children no longer have to worry about choosing between the parents.

For some parents, supervised exchanges are a temporary support during the initial very emotional months of family transition. For these parents, they will be able to move towards a cooperative coparenting relationship with each other as their lives normalize. For other parents, they may use supervised exchanges indefinitely when the parents just have too many differences to comfortably interact with each other. This is particularly helpful when there is a history of domestic violence or other traumatic history between the parents. While not a panacea, supervised exchange can provide a sense of safety for both parents.

Just as there is no way to know what parent is going to become violent, there is no way to know what support each parent may need to navigate the challenges of these difficult family transitions. We need to focus on tools that help with cooling down the emotional heat, for the sake of the children and the larger community.

San Diego FCS Recommendations/Court Orders

For any parent who has received a Family Court Services Report from the Superior Court of San Diego, Family Court Services, the following is probably language you recognize:
"Neither parent shall make negative statements about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the child or question the child about the other parent. The parents shall communicate directly with each other in matters concerning the child and shall not use the child as messenger between them. The child shall not be exposed to court papers or disputes between the parents, and each parent shall make every possible effort to ensure that other people comply with this order."

Here is proposed new language as an alternative for those parents who do not understand that this is intended to be a guide to the spirit in which all communication about or between the other parent needs to be handled:
Neither parent shall make negative statements/gestures/facial expressions/Facebook posts/text messages/emails or any other form of communication about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the child or question the child about the other parent, whether directly or indirectly. The parents shall communicate directly with each other in matters concerning the child and shall do so outside the presence and/or hearing of the child. The parents shall not use the child, the child's back pack, the child's diaper bag, the child's lunch box, or any other item that accompanies the child back and forth between the parents as a messenger between them. The child shall not be directly, indirectly, overtly, covertly, actively, passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively exposed to court papers or the contents of any court papers. The child shall not be exposed to disputes, disagreements, nasty comments disguised as friendly, or any direct communication other that at least minimally cordial between the parents. Each parent is responsible to ensure that other adults observe all of these guidelines for communication about and between co-parents raising 2-home children."

Or, put another way, being technically in compliance -- at least in your own opinion and would point out that you are checking your own homework here -- because the language is vague and not comprehensive enough does not pass for good parenting in any one's book. Okay, a little preachy, maybe, but every day brings amazing examples of the mean, destructive and manipulative ways that co-parents find to undermine the success and well-being of their own children. And, of course, the nastiness always seems to follow or be preceded by the phrase..."in the child's best interest!"

Good-Enough Parenting is Great!

This is not the kind of saying you are going to find on a coffee mug or a t-shirt. But this is the stuff that great kids are made of! The good-enough parent. Not the best. Not the greatest. Just good enough. Unfortunately this is not even something that most parents would set as a goal. Culturally, socially, it's just not what parents say. Think about it - can you imagine telling someone that your highest aspiration as a parent it to be adequate and that you hold as your highest goal to just do a satisfactory job as parent.

But the truth of the matter is that we would all be better off if adequate and satisfactory performance were highly prized in the parenting role. There is an abundance of research and clinical experience about dysfunctional families that details the devastation of perfectionism in family life. Demands for perfectionism are laden with shame and blame; sarcasm and rage; denigration and its fragile mirror image of idealization. In other words, striving for perfection in the parenting role inevitably means that when we blow it, which of course we will, then we are failures and that is an emotional experience that is tough to cope with for anyone.

Parenting is full of challenges for co-parents living together and working together to raise their children. When co-parents live in separate homes with separate lives, goals and aspirations and the children are going back and forth between the two homes, the challenges increase exponentially. For example, a common problem that occurs is that some co-parents compete with each other for the children's affections by being overly permissive. Some parents do it consciously with clear intent and some don't even realize they are doing it. For example, a child tells a parent that the other parent "never lets me have dessert," so the receiving parent says "oh, you poor thing, that's just not right;" and proceeds to over indulge the child with sweets. Whether consciously directed as retaliation/compensation or not, the impact on that child is negative.

Most parents know that consistency, routine, love and support are important in raising children. But having that knowledge and gaining the skills we need as parents to actually do the work of raising well-adjusted children are very different. For example, consistency is a skill of the good-enough parent, and rigidity is a trait of the perfectionist parent. How can you tell if you are being consistent or being rigid? Pay attention to your level of stress, emotional distress, and how you feel when your child doesn't do exactly what you want. A major freak out over something ordinary like spilled food or a slow response to a request is a sign that your expectations are out of synch.

Good-enough parenting can be roughly quantified 70-75%/25-30%, meaning that we want to be on-target with our children 70-75% of the time and allow ourselves to be off-target about 25-30% of the time. Perfectionism is a 100% proposition and is unattainable, so children end up neglected, abused, and shamed when parents fail or give up. The good-enough parent knows that they're going to blow it once in a while and they approach parenting with the notion of doing their best, compromising when the issue isn't critical and apologizing when they let the child down.

So what do we mean by "blow it?" Most of the time (70-75%) the parent wants to practice the following behaviors/traits with a child: attentive, warm, direct, honest, sharing humorous moments, offering immediate intervention/feedback, and being thoughtful. When a parent blows it (25-30%), they are probably practicing one or more of the following behaviors/traits: distracted, withdrawn, indirect, dishonest, using sarcasm, procrastinating, and being impulsive/thoughtless.

The good-enough parent recognizes very quickly when they blow it or are off-target. What do they do? First they admit it, then they give the child permission to have hurt or angry feelings, then they listen and then they do it over. For example, you come home from a busy day at work completely stressed out and your toddler runs to greet you and starts excitedly saying "look at this look at this look at this look at this" and you snap and angrily say "can you just wait a minute." The child's face changes from excited to hurt, from happy to sad in a split second. The good-enough parent catches him or herself and immediately gets down to eye level and says, "oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! Mommy/Daddy should not have talked to you that way. That must have hurt your feelings. Let's try that again. Please, show me what you have for me and tell me about it."

May seem like common sense but sometimes common sense is not that common. Parenting is a challenge because it's made up of hundreds of moments in every day that shape a child, for better or worse. Despite our best efforts, we are going to miss soccer games, arrive too late to read the night time book, use a harsh tone of voice in response to ordinary childhood needs, and just generally live the human experience.

Strive for balance and moderation and humanity in your approach to parenting. Strive to be good-enough. The alternative is a style of parenting that careens between extremes that confuse and stress the entire family system: hyper-vigilant or detached; idealizing or shaming; rigid or neglectful; intrusive or withdrawn; and the list goes on.

Embrace the ordinariness of those hundred little moments every day that shape your child. Relax, moderate, breathe. You will enjoy parenting so much more and you will enjoy your child.