Key Factor #6 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Grievance Policy/Procedure

Consumers receiving court-ordered supervised visitation services need access to a process for expressing concerns about their case and the way it is being managed.

We have several mechanisms in place for consumer feedback. There is a Senior Supervisor on Saturday and Sunday who is assigned to assist clients with all concerns in service delivery. Program Coordinators fulfill that role Monday - Friday.

If the Senior Supervisor or a Program Coordinator cannot resolve a concern, the concern is then presented to the Program Director. If the Program Director is not able to resolve the concern, it is presented in an Executive Team meeting which includes Program Manager, Program Director, Assistant Director, and Executive Director.

If the Executive Team is unable to resolve the concern, the client makes a formal written request to the Board of Directors. That concern is then placed on the agenda for a regularly scheduled meeting of the Board, which occur quarterly.

Some items can't wait for resolution, so there is a procedure in place for Board member involvement and review outside the regular meeting schedule when an issue is time-sensitive.

Hannah's House also has a formal Feedback Procedure for Court Reports. That procedure is issued with every court report so that clients are able to quickly complete that process if they need corrections to the report or need clarification.

Family court matters are stressful enough for everyone involved without the provider adding stress to the situation by being unavailable or refusing to work toward resolving problems when they occur.

At Hannah's House, we make every effort to respect input from our clients. We welcome feedback and want to know how our services delivery, policies and procedures effect those we serve.

Key Factor #5 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Forensic Record Keeping and Reports

Forensic science is any scientific field that is applied to the field of law. In the case of supervised visitation at Hannah's House, the areas of science are social science and behavioral science. Forensic scientists are tasked with the collection, preservation, and analysis of scientific evidence during the course of an investigation and all of that evidence is.related to, used in, or suitable to a court of law.

The provision of supervised visitation services requires 100% eye shot and earshot observation and documentation. The 2015 California Rules of Court sets forth Standard 5.20.

Uniform standards of practice for providers of supervised visitation

(a) Scope of service

This standard defines the standards of practice, including duties and obligations, for providers of supervised visitation under Family Code sections 3200 and 3200.5. Unless specified otherwise, the standards of practice are designed to apply to all providers of supervised visitation, whether the provider is a friend, relative, paid independent contractor, employee, intern, or volunteer operating independently or through a supervised visitation center or agency.

The goal of these standards of practice is to assure the safety and welfare of the child, adults, and providers of supervised visitation. Once safety is assured, the best interest of the child is the paramount consideration at all stages and particularly in deciding the manner in which supervision is provided. Each court is encouraged to adopt local court rules necessary to implement these standards of practice.

Nonprofessional providers are held to the same standard as professional providers in most areas of the standard. They are not required to document, maintain records or produce reports. Only professional providers are held to the record keeping and reports portion of the standard.

5.20 requirements are detailed clearly:

(1) Professional providers must keep a record for each case, including the following:

(A) A written record of each contact and visit;

(B) Who attended the visit;

(C) Any failure to comply with the terms and conditions of the visitation; and

(D) Any incidence of abuse as required by law.

(2) Case recordings should be limited to facts, observations, and direct statements made by the parties, not personal conclusions, suggestions, or opinions of the provider. All contacts by the provider in person, in writing, or by telephone with either party, the children, the court, attorneys, mental health professionals, and referring agencies should be documented in the case file. All entries should be dated and signed by the person recording the entry.

(3) If ordered by the court or requested by either party or the attorney for either party or the attorney for the child, a report about the supervised visit must be produced. These reports should include facts, observations, and direct statements and not opinions or recommendations regarding future visitation. The original report must be sent to the court if so ordered, or to the requesting party or attorney, and copies should be sent to all parties, their attorneys, and the attorney for the child.

(4) Any identifying information about the parties and the child, including addresses, telephone numbers, places of employment, and schools, is confidential, should not be disclosed, and should be deleted from documents before releasing them to any court, attorney, attorney for the child, party, mediator, evaluator, mental health professional, social worker, or referring agency, except as required in reporting suspected child abuse.

Hannah's House has a database of clients which includes the initial phone screening, intake information, and a phone log where all phone conversations are logged. Since the advent of email and the internet, electronic documentation has become the more common method of communication and all emails communication is maintained on all clients.

Supervisors complete Activity Reports during each visit and each exchange. Documentation on the Activity Report is completed at the time of service delivery and then reviewed in a weekly Quality Assurance meeting for completeness and accuracy.

When a court report is ordered or requested by any legal party to a case, the individual activity reports are compiled into one report document and distributed to all legal parties to the case. All phone logs, emails and in-person communication is also included in the court report.

Hannah's House provides supervised exchange services that are guided by the 5.20 Standard. However, it's important for consumers to know that, as of January 1, 2015, any reference to supervised exchange in the Rule were eliminated. This means that there is no standard for supervised exchanges.

Key Factor #4 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Team Approach

When we began our research for program development in 1988, we found that one of the first common concerns expressed by the majority of parents, extended family members and professionals in the community related to the bias of professional monitors.

Users of the services experienced the providers as "taking sides." Sometimes it was a perception and sometimes it was an accurate report. We realized that there was no way in family disputes to ensure that both parties had a positive customer experience. We also realized that we had to develop a service delivery system that controlled for the perception or the reality of a professional provider "taking sides."

We decided to use a Team Approach to service delivery. This seemed like the best way to ensure that there were multiple perspectives and experiences of each family receiving services. It is human nature to become accustomed to a situation, to begin to generalize from our past experience in that situation, and then to lose accuracy and completeness in the experience.

We recognized that everyone has biases, prejudices, beliefs, and values that filter our daily experiences. It made sense to us that multiple professionals interacting with the same family would produce a much more accurate picture of parent-child relationships over time.

We also recognized that we all have had the experience of instantly liking or disliking someone. We knew this would happen for staff members and for clients. We decided early on that these responses would not dictate staffing assignments.

Staff members needs to be able to observe and document accurately regardless of personal reactions to someone. Skill development for a professional includes learning how to self-observe negative reactions to a person or behavior and then document without prejudice or editing.

Parents need to focus on just spending time with their children. Countless times over the past 27 years, parents have complained about the prejudice of a staff member. When we review the notes in these cases, 9 out of 10 times we find that the documentation provided a picture of a good parent and a positive parent-child relationship.

The parent was having a negative reaction to the Team Member and made the assumption that it meant the person didn't like the parent and that the Team Member would document with a negative tone. Imagine if we changed Team Members or assigned Team Members based on the requests of a parent. That would be bias or at the very least the appearance of bias.

Hannah's House has successfully used the Team Approach to forensic service delivery for over 27 years. We do assign one staff person to particular cases but only when there is a clearly documented medical reason for such an assignment.

We are the eyes and ears of the judge who will never meet the children, at least in most cases. We have a legal, moral, and ethical obligation to provide the clearest possible picture of the family. The Team Approach helps us meet all of these obligations in a forensically validated manner.

Key Factor #3 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Clear Policies and Procedures

Since 1988, Hannah's House has provided forensic support services to families involved in family court cases the San Diego Superior Court.

We started very small with just one family. We consulted with professionals in the community from different ares of interest:
Legal
Mental Health
Medical
Education
Law Enforcement
Employee Assistance
Nonprofit

We also identified a large group of consumers who had used forensic support services in communities throughout the country, and conducted individual interviews and surveys to determine what had helped families and what had hurt families.

It quickly became clear that there were several basic elements that had to be present in any effort to help these families:

1 Philosophy of inclusion of both parents

2 Goal of normalizing divorce, separation, and child sharing

3 Equal treatment of both parents ordered to supervised visitation

4 Focus on the here and now for parents visiting children - references to the past or the future was stressful for the child

5 Sensitivity to the appearance of bias or the appearance of a conflict of interest

6 Routine and predictability was essential for all family members

Fortunately, the co-founders of the organization came out of a military background where clear policies and procedures provided a sense of stability, continuity and teamwork.

The organization was developed with these 6 basic elements as the cornerstone. Clear, written policies and procedures were created between 1988 and 1992 as service delivery to families increased.

A community advisory group composed of the interdisciplinary team of professionals drafted policies, reviewed the implementation with families as they received services, and refined the procedures to ensure maximum effectiveness.

Many of the polices and procedures created during those early years remain unchanged today. California did not have standards for the delivery of professional supervised visitation services until 1998, originally Rules of Court 36.2, not 5.20.

Hannah's House was already meeting and exceeding those 1998 standards when they came into being. The only changes required were agreements with local law enforcement and specific abduction prevention policies that were required for agencies.

The definition of supervised visitation in the law is "contact between a noncustodial party and one or more children in the presence of a neutral third person."

There is no mention of anyone other than parent, child, neutral. By law, there is no inclusion of guests. No extended family members. No blended family members. No friends.

This basic definition is probably the best example of why clear policies and procedures are essential. There is no way to address the matter of guests in an unbiased way that ensures there is no discrimination in favor of or against a consumer unless the same rules apply to every single case and every single request.

There are 17 standards in the law, and 90 sub-standards in the Calfornia law governing the work of the professional provider of supervised visitation. Despite this attention in the law, this is a profession that is still largely unregulated.

Consumers have little or no protection from professional providers who do not follow the law, especially if the consumer has no idea that they are operating illegally. That is why it is critical for the consumer to know the law and know the legal standards.

Take a copy of Family Code 3200.5 and Rules of Court 5.20 to your orientation meeting with the professional provider you have chosen. The provider should be able to tell you the policy and procedures they have in place for each of the 17 standards and each of 90 sub-standards.

The provider must have a written contract signed by each client that details the policies and procedures of the provider. If you, the consumer, find that the provider is unable to tell you what the policies and procedures are that they follow to ensure compliance with the law, don't use them for services.

Policies and procedures established, implemented, and maintained by the professional provider of supervised visitation is the only protection the individual family member has that the child will be safe and court orders will be respected.

San Diego Superior Court does not require any proof from any person on Court Resource List. You, the parent, are the only person who can ensure the the law is followed.

Unfortunately, there are still many attorneys who are unfamiliar with the standards for the provision of these services. If you have an attorney, make sure that your attorney is familiar with the standards and that he or she is recommending a professional who is, in fact, in compliance.

The law is in place to ensure that the services are delivered properly, that orders are followed and that children are protected. Professional providers of supervised visitation should be held to the standards they have already sworn to under penalty of perjury when they made application to be included on the list provided to consumers on the San Diego Superior Court website Court Resource List.

Key Factor #2 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Controlling for Conflict of Interest and the Appearance of Conflict of Interest

The legal standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV) are specific about the types of relationships that are a conflict of interest:

(i) Conflict of interest

All providers should maintain neutrality by refusing to discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another. Any discussion between a provider and the parties should be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children. In order to avoid a conflict of interest, the professional provider should not:

(1) Be financially dependent on the person being supervised;

(2) Be an employee of the person being supervised;

(3) Be an employee of or affiliated with any superior court in the county in which the supervision is ordered unless specified in the employment contract; or

(4) Be in an intimate relationship with the person being supervised.

While this is a helpful start, there is much more that needs to be in place to control for this issue.

PPSV need to have clear, written policies and procedures in the written contract for services that is required by law in California. The contract should detail how the provider ensure neutrality. The contract should specify how the provider ensures that they will not discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another.

The provider should have clear policies about how they deal with situations where any legal party to the case attempts to disparage the other party to the provider.

Polices and procedures about the documentation of all contacts between clients and the provider should be clearly spelled out. All legal parties to the case should be confident that any discussion between a provider and the parties will be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children.

All legal parties should also be confident that 100% of any ex parte communication will be documented and reported. Because the provider is ordered as professional neutral, all communication on the case must be documented and reported.

It is important that the PPSV clarity about their role and about their scope of work. Multiple relationships with the same client are problematic because a conflict of interest is more likely to develop.

Sometimes multiple relationships develop because the PPSV has had inadequate training initially or because the PPSV does not engage in regular and transparent consultation and review of their work. The provider gradually becomes comfortable with the client or clients and moves beyond the professional role.

Typical boundary violations might include the following:
1 Changing policies and procedures because they feel that the client really needs their help
2 Taking care of the children during visits as if they are there a babysitter instead of a professional neutral
3 Helping the client with parenting tasks during the visit
4 Developing an emotionally close and physically affectionate relationship with the adult client and or the children
5 Paying for food or gas for the client when that is not the policy
6 Using ones personal car for transporting the client when that is not the policy

Serious boundary violations with a client might include the following:
1 Dating
2 Renting a room or selling a house
3 Loaning or selling a car
4 Loaning money
5 Editing documentation and court reports to protect the client
6 Refusing to do the required documentation and court reports

At Hannah's House, we have many policies and procedures in place to protect clients and to support and develop our staff.

Consumers need and deserve protection. California has laws that will do that if they are followed. Unfortunately, each of the 58 Superior Courts in the state take a slightly different approach to the Court Resource List for Professional Providers of Supervised Visitation - usually referred to as Visitation Monitors.

In San Diego, there are no requirements for inclusion on the list other than filling out and signing an affidavit under penalty of perjury that the person is qualified to do the work and will follow applicable laws. The affidavit in San Diego is the same whether the applicant is going to teach Boating Safety or be a Professional Supervised Visitation Monitor.

In other jurisdictions the court requires a variety of proofs from the provider before they can be included. Some examples are:
1 Background check / Trustline Certification
2 Insurance - auto and liability
3 Contract for Services
4 Documentation of 24 hours of training in areas specified by law

Because there are no additional protections for the consumers using providers on the San Diego Superior Court Resource List for Visitation Monitors, it is extremely important that consumers read both California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 prior to calling anyone on the list.

Preparing for interviews of a professional who will have significant responsibility for ensuring the well being and safety of your children should be high on your list of priorities as a parent with a court order for supervised visitation services.

Hannah's House meets and exceeds the 24 hour legal training requirement and we have done so since 1988, long before any standards existed.

The minimum requirement to work at Hannah's House is 24 hours of classroom training and 16 hours of hands-on practicum shadowing cases. Once this 40 hour requirement is met, the PPSV is shadowed by a experienced professional while the new trainee supervises visit. This shadowing is typically between 16 and 40 hours, depending on the trainee.

Once a supervisor is qualified for independent service delivery at Hannah's house, there is a Senior Supervisor who continues to oversee the work of all monitors during every work shift. Service delivery feedback is provided weekly, monthly and quarterly to all staff. Training is a high priority at Hannah's House.

Our experience is that it takes at least one full year of service delivery under close supervision to develop the broad and deep knowledge and skills necessary for work as an independent private monitor. This is because we take the responsibility for the protection of children very seriously.

A conflict of interest tends to develop over time and happens so slowly and subtly that the monitor is often in trouble with multiple relationships before they notice. Make sure that the PPSV you choose to safeguard your children and your family-in-transition is truly a professional neutral.

Key Factor #1 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: CONTROLLING FOR BIAS

California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 establish standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV). A search engine will readily find both. Consumers in need of these services need to understand the law.

One of the requirements of the PPSV is following all aspects of the law. Controlling for bias is one of those requirements.

Bias is a prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair. In family law cases with an order for supervised visitation, it is a PPSV who is prejudiced in favor of or against one party, the Petitioner, or the Respondent.

The only way to control for bias is to create a process that treats both parties equally from the very beginning.

Hannah's House conducts a screening with both parties prior to any face-to-face meetings. The screening may be done over the phone or via the website. The consumer chooses.

The screening is exactly the same for every person who completes it. The only differences occur because of different facts in each case. Each party on every case is given an equal opportunity to provide the necessary information.

The intake and orientation is the same for every person who completes it. Parents attend an in-person meeting. They will be in a group that includes both residential parents and visiting parents, but two parties to the same case will not participate in the same intake and orientation meeting.

Hannah's House provides supervised visitation and supervised exchanges. The variations in the intake process relate to the difference in those services.

The goal of the intake, orientation, and legal review process is to learn about the case, ensure both parties understand their rights and responsibilities, and to figure out how to keep stress down for the children.

Children are required to attend a Turtle Tour orientation. This provides the child with the opportunity to meet the Human and the Animal Staff, and to explore the family rooms, art and music room, and the snack shop!

The Turtle Tour is required so that children know in advance where they will be coming and what the place and the people are like. This helps control for bias because staff is assured the child is familiar with the setting so staff can just focus on the transitions from one parent to another.

100% of contact between Staff and clients is documented. Email, phone logs, and activity reports are completed at the time of contact.

All activity reports are reviewed weekly by a Quality Assurance Team in a regular QA meeting. The purpose of the review is to ensure accuracy and completeness in the documentation, and to identify any client or staff discrepancies that require intervention beyond that which occurred during service delivery.

The QA team consists of the Assistant Executive Director, Program Director, Program Manager, Program Coordinator - Scheduling, Program Coordinator - Reports and Record Keeping, and any PPSV who wants to attend.

Clients and staff members with discrepancies that occurred during service delivery during the previous week will be contacted by a staff person to address the discrepancy. Typically this contact occurs within 24-48 hours following the meeting.

There is a Quality Control function built into the system to ensure that the discrepancy contacts are made, completed, and documented for each client and staff person identified.

Hannah's House is a forensic social service agency where everything that is said and done can potentially become part of legal proceeding. We take that responsibility seriously and the first step in ensuring forensic accuracy in our service delivery is controlling for bias.

Key Factors for Hannah’s House Professional Supervised Visitation Services

Hannah's House provide services to parents who mistrust and/or dislike each other. Our job is to be a professional neutral. We must establish rapport and some basic trust with each parent, without creating mistrust on the part of the other parent.

Parents come to us from an adversarial experience where one of them 'won' and one of them 'lost'.

Sometimes the 'winner' comes out of court with the idea that they are in control of the situation. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

Sometimes the 'loser' comes out of court with the idea that they are criminal or least being treated like a criminal. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

In other words, the judge has made orders that accord rights and responsibilities for parenting and coparenting that apply equally to both parents.

We focus on several important factors to accomplish our goal of building rapport and creating trust:

1 Controlling for bias
2 Preventing conflict of interest
(including appearance of conflict of interest)
3 Clear policies and procedures
4 Team approach
5 Forensic reports and record keeping
6 Grievance policy/procedure
7 Standardization

Over the next several days I will talk about each one of these factors and discuss the policies, procedures and rationale for each one of them.

Why “Here and Now?”

STAY IN THE HERE AND NOW is one of the toughest guidelines for parents to follow in the supervised visitation environment. It is hard for them to simply be with their child, play together, and participate in shared activities and shared experiences.

Adults relate to a large degree by asking questions and children do not. If you watch and listen to children of almost any age you will not hear them interacting by asking and answering questions. They look at each other, greet each other, and immediately engage with each other in some kind of activity.

Pay attention, parents, because that is how children connect and relate to people. Exploration and experience in a shared relationship with significant others leads to emotional connection, feelings of security and happiness, and moments of shared humor and enjoyment. Spending time in the "now" with another human being is how you create, maintain, nurture, develop, rekindle, or rebuild relationships.

Children live in the present moment, not in the past. Very young children do not even have any idea what yesterday, today, and tomorrow mean. Actually, they don't even understand "wait just a second." They only know "NOW." The child is hungry NOW! The child wants picked up NOW! The child wants you to hand them something they are pointing at that you can't even identify NOW! And so on.

Many parents who have experienced a separation from their child/ren want to show pictures of good times they have had in the past. Or they want to bring a home video from the past from a birthday party or some special event to show the child. These tangible, concrete objects have great meaning for the adult who has well-developed cognition and memory, including the ability to invest strong mental and emotional energy into people, places, things, and ideas.

Children are not just small adults...they are different in every way. Their brains work completely differently from grown-ups. For example, if an adult hears the phrase "the Prince of Wales" or "the Princess of Wales" they think of a royal personage with a particular lineage and place in the world. Children may just get confused because they had no idea that Sea World even had a Prince or Princess!! So instead of bringing photos or a home video, bring a ball, or balloon, or bubbles, or a game. Bring something you can talk about and enjoy together in the NOW!

If something makes a Child think about the past it is because something right in front of them that they are experiencing right this moment links them back to an image, word, idea, or feeling. The key is EXPERIENCING not thinking or talking. And that link is quite transitory and may not even be expressed in a way that an adult will know that it occurred. However, parents often bring up the past as a way to get the Child to focus on something that is meaningful to the parent but it's not going to connect that Child to the parent in a helpful way if at all. That is because it has nothing to do with what the Child is experiencing with all of his or her senses in the NOW! It takes the Child completely out of the very moment in direct relationship to the parent which is really where that parent wants the Child to find and feel a meaningful connection.

"Do you remember when..." is usually an attempt, often benign and misdirected, to manipulate the Child’s thoughts and feelings as a way of reassuring the parent that the Child remembers and loves the parent. That dramatic shift in focus away from NOW -- which may not even be understood by the Child -- makes it harder for the Child to just be present, connect, play, and interact. The physical, emotional and mental presence and focus of the parent in the HERE AND NOW is what will naturally create or remind the Child of a positive emotional experience with the parent.

Another common inclination of adults is to talk about the future. "Maybe someday we can...." Again, don't go there. The "future" for children is much, much sooner than the "future" for a parent. Do you remember the night before a special day when you were 3 or 5 or 13 or even 15?! That night seemed to last FOREVER :-(

Adults are reassured by the notion that "someday things will be different." And that's a good thing because it helps us hang in there, do the next step, tolerate the inconvenience, find opportunity in the chaos and so on. Not so much with children. The best example is the drive from you home to Disneyland. How many times do the kids say either "are we there yet" or "how much longer 'til we're there?" Pay attention parents. Try to think about what you say from the perspective of your child. And if you don't know how a 3 or 5 or 13 or 15 year old thinks...Google it!

Parents in supervised visitation sometimes make a casual reference to their Child like, "maybe next visit we will...." The next visit comes and the other parents might tell the Supervisor that the Child hasn't been fed because the visiting parent had told the Child at the end of the last visit that they would walk to a nearby restaurant this week. Then the visiting parent shows up with no intention of going to the nearby restaurant because, to the adult, it was a maybe plan and not a promise. Not so for the Child who may be anywhere from disappointed to inconsolable and that Child is HUNGRY NOW! Future promises are incredibly easy for a parent to make even when they are unaware that is how it is experienced by the Child. Safest to stay in the NOW or make sure you remember what you suggest/promise for the next visit and deliver on that.

If you think that your Child needs reassurance right NOW because he or she is having feelings that hurt, how about saying, "I love you," or "I with I could make you feel better, but I will always love you." Stay in the NOW and provide nurturing in the NOW. That will reassure your Child that you are here for them and that you are strong enough and capable enough to handle their sad or hurt or lonely or angry feelings.

There are plenty of resources available for parents to read and learn about the developmental ages, stages, needs and appropriate parenting approaches for children of any age. Take advantage of that and be proactive. If you are someone who learns better by reading, listening and discussing information, then take a parenting or co-parenting class.

We are all able to only live in the NOW. Our brains may be able to take us into the past and project into the future, but that is not where we live. Most adults need to pray, meditate, exercise, do yoga, and engage in a multitude of other behaviors in order to just be in the present moment. Your Child wakes up in the moment and lives there all day long. Learn from your Child/ren. They have much to teach all of us.

Cooperative Coparenting Strategies for the Holidays

The holidays are a time for sharing and caring, giving and receiving, feeling and expressing gratitude and love. It's a time for making lists that detail our priorities in our closest human relationships. And for those who are parenting 2-home children, it's a time to do all of these wonderful activities in the context of what may be a challenging coparenting relationship.

So here are some strategies to keep in mind to create peaceful and loving holidays for 2-home children and their Moms and Dads:

1 Remember that children don't care which day the celebration occurs as long as it's close enough for all their loved ones to participate!

2 Compromise is definitely in the spirit of the season...winning and losing are not useful ways of making decisions about holidays - really an incompatible approach!

3 A family is a circle of people who love you. Our 2-home children are lucky to have not 1 but 2 circles of such people!

4 Say yes to sharing time with your child with extended family and friends. Love is synergistic, the more you give the more you receive.

5 The best gift is our time and unconditional love, not stuff!

6 If you need to ask for a schedule change let your coparent have first choice on the make-up time/alternative schedule!

7 Keep your communication cordial and business like at a minimum! Kind and respectful is even better, especially if you can add just a bit of GENUINE warmth :-)

8 Offer to help and support your child in making or buying a gift for their mom or dad, and include step-mom/step-dad if appropriate. Set a budget and create clear opportunities to make it happen!

9 Honor the old traditions and create new ones!

10 Love all of who your child is by respecting your coparent whether your child is present or not!

If we try to respond instead of reacting we are more likely to enjoy the holidays. Emotions run high for everyone this time of year so take a deep breath and think it through before you speak, text, email, tweet, or post an update!!

Have a wonderful holiday season.

Susan Griffin, MS
Executive Director
Hannah's House San Diego
Parenting Help

San Diego FCS Recommendations/Court Orders

For any parent who has received a Family Court Services Report from the Superior Court of San Diego, Family Court Services, the following is probably language you recognize:
"Neither parent shall make negative statements about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the child or question the child about the other parent. The parents shall communicate directly with each other in matters concerning the child and shall not use the child as messenger between them. The child shall not be exposed to court papers or disputes between the parents, and each parent shall make every possible effort to ensure that other people comply with this order."

Here is proposed new language as an alternative for those parents who do not understand that this is intended to be a guide to the spirit in which all communication about or between the other parent needs to be handled:
Neither parent shall make negative statements/gestures/facial expressions/Facebook posts/text messages/emails or any other form of communication about the other parent in the presence or hearing of the child or question the child about the other parent, whether directly or indirectly. The parents shall communicate directly with each other in matters concerning the child and shall do so outside the presence and/or hearing of the child. The parents shall not use the child, the child's back pack, the child's diaper bag, the child's lunch box, or any other item that accompanies the child back and forth between the parents as a messenger between them. The child shall not be directly, indirectly, overtly, covertly, actively, passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively exposed to court papers or the contents of any court papers. The child shall not be exposed to disputes, disagreements, nasty comments disguised as friendly, or any direct communication other that at least minimally cordial between the parents. Each parent is responsible to ensure that other adults observe all of these guidelines for communication about and between co-parents raising 2-home children."

Or, put another way, being technically in compliance -- at least in your own opinion and would point out that you are checking your own homework here -- because the language is vague and not comprehensive enough does not pass for good parenting in any one's book. Okay, a little preachy, maybe, but every day brings amazing examples of the mean, destructive and manipulative ways that co-parents find to undermine the success and well-being of their own children. And, of course, the nastiness always seems to follow or be preceded by the phrase..."in the child's best interest!"

Good-Enough Parenting is Great!

This is not the kind of saying you are going to find on a coffee mug or a t-shirt. But this is the stuff that great kids are made of! The good-enough parent. Not the best. Not the greatest. Just good enough. Unfortunately this is not even something that most parents would set as a goal. Culturally, socially, it's just not what parents say. Think about it - can you imagine telling someone that your highest aspiration as a parent it to be adequate and that you hold as your highest goal to just do a satisfactory job as parent.

But the truth of the matter is that we would all be better off if adequate and satisfactory performance were highly prized in the parenting role. There is an abundance of research and clinical experience about dysfunctional families that details the devastation of perfectionism in family life. Demands for perfectionism are laden with shame and blame; sarcasm and rage; denigration and its fragile mirror image of idealization. In other words, striving for perfection in the parenting role inevitably means that when we blow it, which of course we will, then we are failures and that is an emotional experience that is tough to cope with for anyone.

Parenting is full of challenges for co-parents living together and working together to raise their children. When co-parents live in separate homes with separate lives, goals and aspirations and the children are going back and forth between the two homes, the challenges increase exponentially. For example, a common problem that occurs is that some co-parents compete with each other for the children's affections by being overly permissive. Some parents do it consciously with clear intent and some don't even realize they are doing it. For example, a child tells a parent that the other parent "never lets me have dessert," so the receiving parent says "oh, you poor thing, that's just not right;" and proceeds to over indulge the child with sweets. Whether consciously directed as retaliation/compensation or not, the impact on that child is negative.

Most parents know that consistency, routine, love and support are important in raising children. But having that knowledge and gaining the skills we need as parents to actually do the work of raising well-adjusted children are very different. For example, consistency is a skill of the good-enough parent, and rigidity is a trait of the perfectionist parent. How can you tell if you are being consistent or being rigid? Pay attention to your level of stress, emotional distress, and how you feel when your child doesn't do exactly what you want. A major freak out over something ordinary like spilled food or a slow response to a request is a sign that your expectations are out of synch.

Good-enough parenting can be roughly quantified 70-75%/25-30%, meaning that we want to be on-target with our children 70-75% of the time and allow ourselves to be off-target about 25-30% of the time. Perfectionism is a 100% proposition and is unattainable, so children end up neglected, abused, and shamed when parents fail or give up. The good-enough parent knows that they're going to blow it once in a while and they approach parenting with the notion of doing their best, compromising when the issue isn't critical and apologizing when they let the child down.

So what do we mean by "blow it?" Most of the time (70-75%) the parent wants to practice the following behaviors/traits with a child: attentive, warm, direct, honest, sharing humorous moments, offering immediate intervention/feedback, and being thoughtful. When a parent blows it (25-30%), they are probably practicing one or more of the following behaviors/traits: distracted, withdrawn, indirect, dishonest, using sarcasm, procrastinating, and being impulsive/thoughtless.

The good-enough parent recognizes very quickly when they blow it or are off-target. What do they do? First they admit it, then they give the child permission to have hurt or angry feelings, then they listen and then they do it over. For example, you come home from a busy day at work completely stressed out and your toddler runs to greet you and starts excitedly saying "look at this look at this look at this look at this" and you snap and angrily say "can you just wait a minute." The child's face changes from excited to hurt, from happy to sad in a split second. The good-enough parent catches him or herself and immediately gets down to eye level and says, "oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! Mommy/Daddy should not have talked to you that way. That must have hurt your feelings. Let's try that again. Please, show me what you have for me and tell me about it."

May seem like common sense but sometimes common sense is not that common. Parenting is a challenge because it's made up of hundreds of moments in every day that shape a child, for better or worse. Despite our best efforts, we are going to miss soccer games, arrive too late to read the night time book, use a harsh tone of voice in response to ordinary childhood needs, and just generally live the human experience.

Strive for balance and moderation and humanity in your approach to parenting. Strive to be good-enough. The alternative is a style of parenting that careens between extremes that confuse and stress the entire family system: hyper-vigilant or detached; idealizing or shaming; rigid or neglectful; intrusive or withdrawn; and the list goes on.

Embrace the ordinariness of those hundred little moments every day that shape your child. Relax, moderate, breathe. You will enjoy parenting so much more and you will enjoy your child.

Creative Coparenting

Sometimes parents complain about the lack of a sane coparent, the lack of a cooperative coparent, or the lack of any coparent. While each of these complaints may be valid it's no excuse to go it alone! Look around, open your eyes, and get creative. I'm suggesting that you broaden your concept of who a coparent is! Almost all parents already have at least one coparent in their life, regardless of the personal situation. At its simplest, a coparent is another adult who agrees to share the responsibility for raising our child, whether for a few minutes, hours or on a regular basis.

Rarely is a parent in a completely isolated position with absolutely no help. More common is the parent who is unable or unwilling to either see or acknowledge the help that is already there or to ask for help that is needed. Now...don't get your dander up because I am definitely not blaming the victim here. I know people get overwhelmed and depressed and so stressed they can't even think straight. So take a deep breath if you are one of those folks, and then continue reading! Think about friends, family, neighbors, community centers, libraries, churches, and schools. There are more possibilities but these are the basics for most of us. If you have just one adult in any of these settings who likes you and likes your child, you may already have a coparent.

I recently spoke with a young father who has primary custody of his son. They live with the paternal grandparents, who provide child care while the father works. Dad was complaining about the differences between his mother's parenting style and his own. I asked him if he had talked with her about their coparenting relationship and how they would deal with those kinds of differences. He looked puzzled and then said it had never occurred to him. The next time I saw him, he let me know that he and his mother had met about coparenting and had reached some agreements about a number of things. Dad was feeling supported, empowered, and optimistic as a result! He had also discovered that his mom was very open to working with him when he didn't start and end the conversation with a criticism of her.

Make your own list of possible coparents in your life. Look at the list I offered and add your own. People want to help, at the individual level as well as at the family and community level. Let your friends know what you need help with. Talk to your family members about what your ideal situation would be and see what happens. You may be surprised to find that what you need is exactly what someone else needs too! Maybe you've noticed postings for the FREE offerings for children at your local library and just never gone over to check it out. Do it now.

All of us limit our vision of possible solutions sometimes. When it comes to coparenting, it's time to expand and enlarge our vision because our children deserve parents who are awake, energetic, engaged, and healthy. Creative and effective coparenting relationships are good for everyone.

But She/He is So Good With the Kids

Sometimes we feel tremendous social pressure to allow our child to have too much contact with an adult who isn't someone we would willingly choose to be close with and/or to be influential over our child...that is to say if we felt empowered to make that choice. The most obvious person who might fall into this category is your co-parent. Other people include the new partner/spouse of your co-parent, in-laws or former in-laws, your own siblings and sometimes even your own parents.

Oops! Any of you experiencing ambivalence? That is a combination of both loving and hating feelings experienced toward the same important person in our life. Or maybe the ambivalence (strong opposing feelings) passed through your conscious mind so quickly you're already on to denial or repression or justification or rationalization...as in "her selfishness isn't that bad"....."I don't remember my father ever saying something that nasty, what are you talking about"...."we only see them once in a while so let's just put up with it"..."they really aren't that involved in our lives"..."we don't want to hurt their feelings"...and so on.

We are all in a position sometimes when we have to spend time with people we don't really like whether in our business life or our personal life. So most of us have developed the skills necessary to manage the discomfort that accompanies these awkward and uncomfortable situations. And, as grown-ups, we have a variety of coping skills and defense strategies to manage without any major disruption to our self, our family, our life. For example, if we are required to attend a work-related meeting or function with a smoker and we are not a smoker we will probably make sure we do not end up in a car infused with tobacco and nicotine residue -- we will drive our own car to and from the meeting location and say whatever we need to in order to avoid the situation.

I am not concerned with the adults in these situations -- the issue here is young children who do not have either the coping skills or the defensive strategies to identify people who have, often unconsciously, ill will toward them. Nor do the little ones have the ability to protect themselves emotionally or psychologically from negative and hurtful intrusions. The only person who can protect infants and young children from these unnecessary and unhealthy pokes, prods, and insults is a parent who is genuinely able to place the needs of the child above their own needs, which includes bearing the social awkwardness of saying "no" to an adult friend or relative who is unkind, intolerant, unreliable, passive aggressive, painfully narcississtic, or just generally obnoxious.

The reasons people tolerate such inconsiderate and sometimes outright destructive behavior in others has everything to do with an unwillingness to rock the social boat or to deal with any kind of conflict. "Being nice" and "avoiding conflict at all costs" take on a whole new level of meaning when the sacrifice being made is the emotional calm and psychological trust/innocence of a little one and not just your own peace of mind for an hour, a day or a week --depending on how long it takes you to recover from a toxic person.

If you dread spending time with someone in your life because you can barely tolerate their nastiness -- of whatever variety -- and you know it will take you time and energy not just to get through it but to recover from it, I hope you will think long and hard about why you really want expose your child to that stress. If it is someone who smokes cigarettes around your child it's probably (although not always) easier to prevent or severely limit contact than if it is when it's someone who is verbally negative and disagreeable, even hateful, in almost everything they say. Whatever the toxic influence, your first responsibility is knowledge/awareness and your second is protective action. If you decide to immerse your child in the toxic mix anyway, you will never know how things might have been different for your child had they not been exposed so early.

And a final thought for those of you who have a court order in place that requires your child to be exposed to toxic influences in the form of the other parent and/or the other parent's family and friends. The Court and Child Protective Services generally protect from physical abuse and severe neglect, but sometimes have a very difficult time substantiating emotional/psychological abuse. There has to be a clear legal basis for curtailing a parent's rights. Present your case to the Court and request supervised visitation by a neutral third party, a professional monitor, so that the parent and child are able to continue their relationship but in an environment that ensures the safety of the child.

If there isn't sufficient evidence to warrant judicial/CPS restrictions, then you have to comply with the court order and do your very best to compensate for the negative influences present in your child's life and keep them safe. Whatever your situation, be aware and be proactive in setting appropriate boundaries for your child to ensure their safety and security in a loving, nurturing family environment.

You Try Co-Parenting With This Maniac!!!

Are you pulling your hair out because of a terrible co-parenting relationship and tired of hearing people tell you: (1) it's going to get easier, (2) time heals all wounds, or (3) sometimes it just takes a while, and so on ad nauseum?

Are you tired of it because you absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your co-parent is currently operating at maximum capacity and there is no "potential" for improvement?

If so, you are a member of a very large club. How else do you explain the library full of self-help books on crazy ex-spouses and "How To..." deal with them without losing your own mind, let alone your dignity?

But does that really help, either? To know "you're not alone." Yeah...not so much, huh?!?! So what does help?

For starters, take a good long look at yourself. The only reason this person is in your life is because you made a choice or a series of choices at some point that didn't turn out the way you planned. That choice part is your responsibility. There are probably some shared responsibilities between the two of you as well, but you can only accept your part and you can do absolutely nothing with the part that belongs to your co-parent.

Next take a look at your child. Your contribution genetically is one-half which means the other half is irrevocably and undeniably contributed by your co-parent. Which half of your child are you hating, feeling angry with, wanting to scream at, or just hoping will drop dead? Unless you have completely lost your mind, meaning that you are a maniac too, these questions should make you at least a little uncomfortable. You don't really hate half of your child or secretly wish that half of your child didn't exist. And if you do, get a referral for therapy and do it soon.

If a co-parent hates their co-parent more than they love their child, the child may as well be living in a war zone where every day means hoping you are alive at the end of it. Depression, fear, anxiety, terror, withdrawal, isolation - survival mode. This is not to say that your co-parent isn't a maniac, a real crazy person who creates drama and chaos everywhere they go and in everyone whose life they touch. What it does mean is that you have to find a way to parent sanely, consistently, and lovingly during your time with your child.

Sanely. It only takes one reasonably sane co-parent to stay calm, grounded and focused on the needs of the child to have a huge positive impact and compensate for/overcome the shortcomings of the crazy co-parent. If you are co-parenting with a crazy person, you need to make a commitment to your self and your child to be the sane one and then follow through with whatever you need to stay sane. Be the calm in the middle of the storm. Resist the seductive pull of the chaos and drama.

Consistently. Daily routines provide the scaffolding on which to build a family structure that feels safe, secure, and nurturing to each family member. Your child needs to know that they count on you to be stable, predictable, and fully present in the moment. Your child needs to know that the people you include in your inner circle are stable, predictable and fully present in the moment as well. Your child needs to know that each day with you will start pretty much the same way, that meal times will have a familiar pattern and that activities during the day occur with a rhythm that feels fun and interesting with just the right amount of challenge.

Lovingly. Thoughtful and targeted parenting actions are the right of every child. It is through hundreds of tiny parenting actions every day that you show your love and care your child. Focus on your parenting. Think about how you will protect your child today. Plan all the ways you can listen actively to your child today. Create opportunities to nurture your child through words and actions and touch. Notice those teachable moments that emerge spontaneously when you are with your child and teach the values, concepts, and attitudes that are important to you.

Bottom line. Identify what you can and cannot control in your child's life now. Take responsibility for what you can control, and do it. Seek help from a professional to figure that out if you feel lost in the chaos. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your child.

I Don't Have A Daddy

A little boy who has just finished spending two hours with his father in a weekly supervised visitation is asked by the Supervisor if he would like to say good-bye to daddy when it is time to leave the room. The child looks at the Supervisor with a surprised look on his face and says “I don’t have a Daddy” as he hugs the man who is his father. Dad looks confused and turns to the Supervisor for help on how to respond. The Supervisor speaks to the child gently, “It’s okay to just say good-bye to Daddy.” The child looks at the Supervisor as if she has just grown an extra head and says “He’s not my Daddy! Mommy said he used to be my Daddy but he isn’t my Daddy anymore.”

During the visit, the child had opened a new toy the father brought for the visit. The child was clearly delighted as he got a big grin on his face and began twirling around and “flying” the toy through the air. When Dad asked if he could take a picture of the child with his new toy, the child said “Mommy said you can’t take any pictures of me.” The child was still smiling and twirling as he said it. When it was time for lunch and Dad brought out a Happy Meal, the child said “Mommy said I can’t eat anything from you cuz’ of the poison.” The child then sat down at the table and ate the meal with his dad while chattering away about the new Woody toy and the movie Toy Story 3 which they planned to watch after lunch.

What would you do in this situation? If you were Dad? If you were the Supervisor? How would you talk to this child about what is happening? It’s not as easy or simple as it might seem because this little boy has absolute trust in his Mommy to tell him the truth, to protect him from dangers in the world, and to support him in embracing all the good life has to offer. The child assumes that Dad and the Supervisor are wrong because, for him, it’s very easy and very simple: mommy loves him so of course she is telling the truth. But she is not – she is denying the child himself each time she denies the truth of the father’s existence in the world and the presence of the father in the child’s life. The person in need of intervention here is the mother, not the child.

I think some of R.D. Laing’s ideas about family lies and mental illness can be helpful. He thought that if you really listened to a schizophrenic, the patient would tell you how his or her world worked. The language might be metaphorical, even a little unreal, but it was logical in the context of growing up in a family where plain speech had been penalized and where children had been taught, as they grew, to distrust their own perception and memory, and give way to the memories and perceptions of others. In Laing's families, there is always a version behind the version. There are truths that one family member is allowed to speak of, but that another member is forbidden to speak of. The weakest and most vulnerable family member finds him or herself in a lose-lose situation, unable to please, locked in a vicious circle of invalidation. Madness…mental illness…may, in some circumstances, seem a strategy for survival.

I’m not suggesting this little boy will develop a mental illness but I think anyone would agree that his sense of what is real and true versus what is false lays a foundation for mistrust of both himself and others that will stay with him, shape him, and inform him as he develops and grows. Whatever else is going on here, it is clear that his mother wants to be rid of one-half of who this child is…his father. How does she do that when it is half of her own child she wants to eliminate from her world?

This mother’s approach to co-parenting flies in the face of decades of research that clearly supports the need of each child for a relationship with his or her parents…both of them! Sadly, it may take months or even years for action that will protect this child from his mother’s toxic hatred toward the father. And it may never happen. Family courts are notoriously slow to act, as is the child welfare system. If a bone is broken or a wound bleeding, the detriment to the child is clear. But when the abuse cannot be seen, felt and/or touched, time is required to sort it out. Depending on the child, there may not be much time.

If you are reading this you are, most likely, NOT a co-parent who is this bad for your child. But you may know someone who is! If you do, speak up. Get involved. Tell the mother (or father) that you are concerned and why. Give him or her the chance to understand how damaging their behavior is to the child. If they can’t or won’t get it, then be prepared to tell someone who can help the child. Every situation is different so there is no one person who is the right one to tell. But there is almost always someone who cares enough about a child to go to any lengths to protect them. Find that person and at least make the effort to help.

Colin Powell speaks passionately about the importance of the community system that exists to protect children. He also speaks about the lack of one and challenges each one of us to action, when he says “When that community system doesn’t exist, we can’t sit back and say ‘well, that’s too bad.’ The rest of us have to step forward.” If you have a child who is suffering or know a child who is suffering, please take some action to help.

Peace in the Family: Information or Ammunition?

If you find yourself with burning questions to ask your child the moment they return from the other parents' home, you have to give it some serious thought before you follow that impulse. Are you compelled to ask your child those questions out of love and interest, or is this really an interrogation (subtle or not so) to gather ammunition for the next round in Family Court. Let's face it, questions are usually not a great way to interact with children at any age...unless it's a VERY young child and you're in a teaching mode like...is this yellow or is this green?!

Adult-generated questions typically do not lend themselves to spontaneous sharing and closeness. Quite the opposite. You are setting the agenda and your child is going to do the very best they can to give you answers that are pleasing to you. Far better to greet your child warmly and happily, genuinely expressing your hope that they had a great time. Then get into settling them back in to your home and their life with you. Trust that your child will share with you if and when they get the urge. Your job, Mom or Dad, is to nurture a relationship with your child that encourages and supports honest communication.

You may think you're being subtle when you indirectly, covertly, and ever so gently probe for more information and yet more details. Children aren't fooled. Depending on their age, they'll tell you what you want to hear to please you and reassure you, or they might decide to challenge you or even confront the fact that you are putting them squarely in the middle between two people they love.

If you really want information from your child about his or her life that will bring you closer together, then let it emerge naturally as the two of you spend positive and enjoyable time doing activities you both like. Listen actively to your child's verbal and nonverbal communication. Active listening requires your full attention, not focus divided between the child and driving or the child and a cellphone or email or whatever.

Knowing your child demands an investment of time, energy and focus on your part as a parent that can reap great rewards in the form of a close and loving relationship built on trust and honesty. Check yourself. Make sure you really want that deep, personal knowledge about your child and that you're not just hunting for ammunition to use in your adult war. Self-honesty is where genuine connection begins.

Coparenting: It's All About the Kids!

Today I find myself thinking about something St Augustin said..."Peace in society depends upon peace in the family." This idea has been an important touchstone for me throughout my years working with dual household families. Wikipedia's offering on peace is "Peace describes a society or a relationship that is operating harmoniously and without violent conflict. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility, or the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, safety in matters of social or economic welfare, the acknowledgment of equality and fairness in political relationships. In international relations, peacetime is the absence of any war or conflict."

Here is my version from the point of view of a 2-home kid!! Peace means my family living in harmony with each other without conflict or hostility and each of us feeling safe, valued and respected.

Some co-parents came from a place of peace this week here at Hannah's House. A co-parent offered make-up time to the other parent when it was not required by anyone - it was an act of generosity, an act of peace. Another parent said yes to a request that their co-parent be able to spend their birthday with the child when the issue of the parents' birthdays had never even been addressed in a court order. To some people, these may seem like small even inconsequential acts. But not to the 2 home kids effected by these acts of parental kindness.

These are huge wins for the child. Every child wants to feel like Team Mom and Team Dad are fully rooting for the child to win, to succeed, to feel loved, and to feel treasured. Saying yes to your co-parent can be a wonderful gift for your child. Offering your co-parent something extra, something above and beyond what is expected or ordered can ultimately be a wonderful gift of generosity to yourself in terms of the good will it can create in your co-parenting relationship.

Everybody wins if your child feels loved by both parents.

Take the High Road - Be a Positive Role Model

This has been one of those weeks already, and it is only Tuesday. The divisive things that parents say to children and the begrudging and even cruel way parents lash out against each other are painful to witness sometimes. To-the-death battles over length of hair, cleanliness of play clothes, the source of ordinary childhood bumps and bruises, and pull-ups vs panties are devastating when the battle field is a young child. 35% of the children caught in the middle of custody battles are under the age of 5. Another 48% are between the ages of 6 and 11. These little ones need the space and the permission to just be children...to play and laugh and run and explore. They deserve adults who take the high road to protect the children, adults who are positive role models.

What do you think?

scenario 1: One parent carefully chooses new toys for his or her children. The children are delighted with the gifts and have fun playing with them with the parent. The other parent picks the children up, takes the new toys away from them and throws the toys in the garbage or immediately drops them off at a charity for donation.

Scenario 2: One parent trims the child's hair. The other parent doesn't like it so they shave the child's head.

Scenario 3: One parent gives 28 days written notice for vacation instead of 30 because of late confirmation on an annual family reunion. The other parents says no because the request was 2 days late.

Clearly parents rationalize each of these choices. And, if honest, they would admit to some satisfaction in thwarting the parent's happiness or peace. Some parents not only rationalize but practice denial of the reality that they are harming their children by, in the first example, actively demonstrating their intolerance for the other parent; in the second example, using the child as a tool to covertly criticize the other parent; and, in the third example, use a technicality to deprive the child of contact with the extended family of the other parent.

Go ahead and indulge yourself in the fantasy of getting back at the other parent. That can be a healthy exercise when you still have a lot of unresolved anger, disappointment and hurt feelings. But when it comes time to take action, think about your kids. Think about what you should do in their best interest for a life unburdened by the need to take care of you and your adult concerns and worries. If you do that, in a reasonably honest fashion, you will probably take the high road most of the time.

Taking the high road as a coparent means bearing some discomfort from time to time, letting the other parent benefit from a decision, and giving up a couple of hours or days so your children gets a "yes" instead of "it's not my fault your mother/father can never....." Go ahead and try it -- let them have the positive experience of you taking the high road and modeling compromise for their sake.

You will end up feeling better about yourself and your children will be happier because they don't have to deal with your revenge and moral superiority. Harsh? Maybe for some parents it is. But for many who continue to say no out of spite long after it's time to move on, it's a fair assessment.

Look Both Ways Before You Cross the Street

Many parents feel that their number one job is to provide safe and secure environments in which their children can thrive. We choose the safest neighborhoods to live in that we can. We meet our children’s friends and their parents to ensure we feel comfortable with their ability to be a good influence and keep our children safe. We monitor both the quantity and quality of television/electronic media our children interact with on a daily basis. We keep our children close and slowly, carefully increase both the distance they can travel and the amount of time they can be away from us. And we teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street.

We want our children to be safe physically, mentally and emotionally. Parents do everything in their power to protect their children. And sometimes, no matter how good a job a parent has done with that, bad things happen to good people. It’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way it is sometimes. Children fall down and get hurt. Children get diagnosed with illness. Children get hurt by other people. Children end up in situations that are risky or dangerous and it’s not because they haven’t done everything we have taught them to do to stay safe. It’s because we cannot control everything and everybody. We cannot predict the intentions and motivations of other people our children encounter. We can only do our very best to safeguard our children.

Inevitably, our children will get hurt – physically, mentally, and emotionally – and we cannot prevent that. Not completely. And when they get hurt we second guess ourselves by asking what we did wrong or what our child did wrong. We try desperately to understand how this could have been prevented. We struggle to find some way to believe that we are not powerless sometimes to protect our children. This is a painful reality for a parent to really accept because it is frightening to feel that lack of power.

A young girl in our local community is missing. A registered sex offender has been arrested on suspicion of rape and murder. She went running in a busy community park after school during the afternoon. School dismissed at 2:30 pm. By 5:30 pm, her father was driving around the neighborhood looking for her because she was late getting home on her usual schedule and it was not like her to fail to communicate about that to her parents. Our local paper ran an editorial this morning titled “Teach your children well.” The editorial concludes with: “We still don’t know what happened in this case. But anyone can make a mistake and let her guard down. And, tragically, in the world in which we live, it only takes one mistake. Parents, teach your children well.”

Really?! A mistake?! How can this editorial board consider, even for a moment, that this young woman did something wrong? It’s an automatic, unthinking and defensive response of people who desperately want to believe that this could have been prevented if only the young girl had…done what? Not gone running as she had hundreds of other school day afternoons in that very park? Taken her cell phone and, what, made a phone call to 911 after the guy probably blind-sided her with a body slam to the ground which is what he did to a previous victim who escaped? The suggestion that this girl did anything wrong or that her parents failed her in any way is a tragedy. No doubt there are some things that could have led to a different outcome but those preventive solutions that are far too late for this family and have absolutely nothing to do with her. Some of the responsibility lies with the judicial and correctional systems. And, ultimately, the responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the brutal human being who hurt her.

Parents do the very best they can. Children do, too. The nature of being human is that we struggle sometimes with the best and worst in ourselves and in others. And sometimes, no matter how vigilant and positive and successful and careful we are, bad things happen to good people. When this happens, the only thing we can really do is reach out to each other for sustenance and support and healing. I strive to be the kind of parent, friend and community member who understands that sometimes there is no way to prevent the hurt that comes with just living life. I want to be someone who helps with the healing. And I hope that if I ever blame someone living life as thoughtfully and carefully as they possibly can for a horror that befalls them that is completely outside their ability to conceive let alone control, that someone gives me a great big smack on the head and says “knock it off you arrogant, insensitive moron.”

How do I answer these questions about the divorce?

Timing is everything, isn’t it? Of course these tough questions are likely to come tumbling out when your child is tired, hungry, angry and just stressed out. So the chances that either one of you are actually going to be in the right frame of mind to have such a sensitive discussion are pretty slim.

Given that, the first thing you want to do is acknowledge what an important topic it is, “This sounds really important.”

Second, assure the child you will answer their questions and make a commitment to do that soon, like sometime in the next day (24 hours.) “I will sit down and talk with you about this before bedtime tomorrow night. I want to make sure we have the time to talk about this at a time when we both can focus on it.” Don’t answer spontaneously on the spur of the moment. Even if you think you might be able to handle it, don’t take the risk that you might blow it in even small ways.

Third, immediately email or call your most trusted, reliable, balanced adult confidante and start talking it through with them. Prepare, prepare, prepare...the three most important factors in discussing divorce with your child.

Prior to having this discussion with your child is a great time to refresh yourself on the developmental tasks and stressors that are a part of your child’s life just based on their age. Even though it may feel like it to you sometimes, every problem or challenge in the life of a child is not because of the divorce or separation. Clearly it’s not easy to sort out where the trigger is sometimes, but it is really important to broaden your perspective and remember that life offers its own challenges for each of us just because we are alive and on the planet and trying to live a life.

Once you have grounded yourself through dialogue with a trusted confidante and oriented yourself about ordinary developmental stressors, initiate the conversation with your child. If your preparation has been done well, you will be able to (1) stay focused on your child’s needs not your own, (2) answer their questions in a child-friendly manner that protects them from adult burdens and emotions, and (3) let them know that you have your own struggles with accepting the changes in your family.

Your goals are to (1) provide emotional support, (2) share age-appropriate information for the purpose of reducing anxiety and (3) connect as openly and honestly as you can. If the child asks about money or sex tell them those are adult matters that are the responsibility of the grown-ups - tell them that even if, or especially if, it is clear that the other parent has already told them way too many details! Somebody needs to be an adult in this situation if they are actually an adult -- meaning kids cannot be in the adult role!! You only have control of yourself so make sure that you make the right choice.

Do affirm that the changes are final and share how difficult that is.
Don’t offer false hope of reunification.

Do reassure your child in the love of both of his or her parents.
Don’t even hint that one parent is preferred over the other.

Do remind your child that the changes are not his or her fault, that they are those of the adults.
Don’t use your child as a go-between to create distance between the child and his or her other parent.