Self-Soothing and Self-Control - Let's Do It!

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Family Break-Up: Healthy Alliances or Unhealthy Allegiances?

Most coparents have either heard or read about the problems children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce. Some children feel caught in the middle of the conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one. Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child. Some parents, most unintentionally, exploit the child's vulnerability at this crucial time.

A parent who is adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will.

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you.

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility.

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore.

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy alliances for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who is not adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly try to exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me to be alone.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this kind of life. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy allegiance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent. The message is clear that the only choice available is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy alliances for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create unhealthy allegiance for the child in only one home, which engenders loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!

Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort

For many years, I have used the metaphor of a PLANT to teach basic parenting skills. P is for protecting. LA is for listening actively. N is for nurturing. T is for teaching. The basic idea is that the child, like the plant, needs to be thoughtfully placed in the proper environment; watched for signs of health and thriving versus signs of deprivation; provided adequate amounts of sun, shade, water, and fertilizer; and pruned at the right time in the right way for maximum health and growth. The child, like the plant, cannot thrive if it is left in its pot, placed haphazardly wherever it is convenient, then passed by with occasional thoughts of "I really need to move that, plant that, water that, prune that, fertilize that" and so on.

Unlike a plant, we can't just throw away the neglected child and go find or buy a new one. Neglect of a child, if unmitigated by enough positive parenting, can lead to a lifetime of challenges and struggles. Bringing a child into the world is a choice, whether we make that decision through a planned and loving decision with a committed partner or through an unplanned pregnancy. But neglect of a child is rarely a conscious choice for a parent. Neglect emerges in the context of our own life challenges and struggles when they overwhelm our ability to meet even the very basic needs of a child.

Once a parent is overwhelmed, children are at risk unless there is adequate support in the circle of people who love that child and in the community which supports all of the children who live there. Unfortunately, parents often don't discover the lack of support until they desperately need it. They must rely on luck, fate and the kindness of strangers to help them find their way. This is especially true when the break-up of the family is the source of the stress, and the circle of people who love the child begin to take sides, break into camps, and badmouth the group on the other side of the divide.

What does all of this have to do with "Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort?" Putting our children first is easy and enjoyable when we enough resources internally and externally to do so. When a family breaks apart, no one is the same. The emotional and physical changes are dramatic. Children suddenly feel afraid that a parent who has left will never come back; that the parent who stays may quit loving them, too; that their heart will break.

Children can't wait for a parent to stabilize after the capsize of the family any more than a plant can wait for someone to notice that they are dying from a lack of care. Children need to be "put first" as quickly as possible during family transition and parents need to keep it as simple as possible. Children don't need big amounts of toys/goodies, money, or special outings. Children do need frequent and reliable focused tending from both parents and with anyone in the circle of people who love them that would be usual for them, pre-breakup!

Research on families in transition has taught us that there are a couple of things parents can do daily that will build a stable bridge to a new life for everyone in the family. First, pay attention to the daily/weekly transitions for the child to ensure routine, preparation and predictability; and, second, show warmth and affection toward your child at least once a day! So, if parents focus on just 3 things during the first hour or so of the day, children will make it through the major changes safely: time, intention, and effort.

All 3 can be accomplished with few just a moments of the day. Each time you leave your child or reunify with your child, greet him or her, make eye contact, smile, hug, kiss, and take a moment to connect. Tell and show the child you are happy to see them, or tell them when you will see them next, not that you missed them or that you will miss them. "I missed you" takes on a whole new meaning when the child is now separated from you due to catastrophic life changes over which they have no control.  Don't burden them with your sense of loss. Make transitions warm, secure and routine. This one focused change conveys to the child all of the elements of time, intention and effort because they feel it, they experience it every time there is a transition.

Experience is how children learn about themselves and about the world, including how to be in a close and loving relationship which is what they learn from us, their parents! Parents don't need to be a perfect gardener for their growing child, just good enough. For the plant, enough sun, enough shade, enough water, enough food, and enough pruning. For the child, enough protection, enough listening actively, enough nurturing and and enough teaching.


Song: Plant a Radish