Key Factor #3 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Clear Policies and Procedures

Since 1988, Hannah's House has provided forensic support services to families involved in family court cases the San Diego Superior Court.

We started very small with just one family. We consulted with professionals in the community from different ares of interest:
Legal
Mental Health
Medical
Education
Law Enforcement
Employee Assistance
Nonprofit

We also identified a large group of consumers who had used forensic support services in communities throughout the country, and conducted individual interviews and surveys to determine what had helped families and what had hurt families.

It quickly became clear that there were several basic elements that had to be present in any effort to help these families:

1 Philosophy of inclusion of both parents

2 Goal of normalizing divorce, separation, and child sharing

3 Equal treatment of both parents ordered to supervised visitation

4 Focus on the here and now for parents visiting children - references to the past or the future was stressful for the child

5 Sensitivity to the appearance of bias or the appearance of a conflict of interest

6 Routine and predictability was essential for all family members

Fortunately, the co-founders of the organization came out of a military background where clear policies and procedures provided a sense of stability, continuity and teamwork.

The organization was developed with these 6 basic elements as the cornerstone. Clear, written policies and procedures were created between 1988 and 1992 as service delivery to families increased.

A community advisory group composed of the interdisciplinary team of professionals drafted policies, reviewed the implementation with families as they received services, and refined the procedures to ensure maximum effectiveness.

Many of the polices and procedures created during those early years remain unchanged today. California did not have standards for the delivery of professional supervised visitation services until 1998, originally Rules of Court 36.2, not 5.20.

Hannah's House was already meeting and exceeding those 1998 standards when they came into being. The only changes required were agreements with local law enforcement and specific abduction prevention policies that were required for agencies.

The definition of supervised visitation in the law is "contact between a noncustodial party and one or more children in the presence of a neutral third person."

There is no mention of anyone other than parent, child, neutral. By law, there is no inclusion of guests. No extended family members. No blended family members. No friends.

This basic definition is probably the best example of why clear policies and procedures are essential. There is no way to address the matter of guests in an unbiased way that ensures there is no discrimination in favor of or against a consumer unless the same rules apply to every single case and every single request.

There are 17 standards in the law, and 90 sub-standards in the Calfornia law governing the work of the professional provider of supervised visitation. Despite this attention in the law, this is a profession that is still largely unregulated.

Consumers have little or no protection from professional providers who do not follow the law, especially if the consumer has no idea that they are operating illegally. That is why it is critical for the consumer to know the law and know the legal standards.

Take a copy of Family Code 3200.5 and Rules of Court 5.20 to your orientation meeting with the professional provider you have chosen. The provider should be able to tell you the policy and procedures they have in place for each of the 17 standards and each of 90 sub-standards.

The provider must have a written contract signed by each client that details the policies and procedures of the provider. If you, the consumer, find that the provider is unable to tell you what the policies and procedures are that they follow to ensure compliance with the law, don't use them for services.

Policies and procedures established, implemented, and maintained by the professional provider of supervised visitation is the only protection the individual family member has that the child will be safe and court orders will be respected.

San Diego Superior Court does not require any proof from any person on Court Resource List. You, the parent, are the only person who can ensure the the law is followed.

Unfortunately, there are still many attorneys who are unfamiliar with the standards for the provision of these services. If you have an attorney, make sure that your attorney is familiar with the standards and that he or she is recommending a professional who is, in fact, in compliance.

The law is in place to ensure that the services are delivered properly, that orders are followed and that children are protected. Professional providers of supervised visitation should be held to the standards they have already sworn to under penalty of perjury when they made application to be included on the list provided to consumers on the San Diego Superior Court website Court Resource List.

Don't Become an Adversary to Your Child!

Family breakup is a disruptive process that feels chaotic for all family members, and traumatic for some. Parents are responsible to work together to make sure that everyone in the family makes a successful transition to a new family structure that feels safe and secure and loving.

Some parents are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for this basic parenting role. Instead they invest energy in blame, sabotage and competition. The traditional adversarial Family Court process sets up and reinforces this win/lose approach to sharing children, resulted in children who feel divided and conflicted. It is easy for parents to get swept up in the contest to present the most compelling story to a theoretically neutral judge who decides whether Mom or Dad is the most convincing. In criminal systems, this process is sometimes referred to as accusatorial.

When accused, our immediate reaction is to defend. Especially when our bond to our child is at stake. Yet, investing in defense, documentation, zealous representation and advocacy does not leave resources of time or money for parenting. Children can't be put on a shelf while Mom and Dad fight it out. As difficult as it is, at least one parent needs to focus on the immediate daily needs and routines of the child or the outcome will be defeat for the little ones, regardless of which parent "wins."

You chose each other to co-create a child. The history and the details of your personal choice are matters for you to explore and understand, not stories to be used to injure, exploit, and harm your child.

Here is a list of "don'ts" for you, if you are the parent who is serious about protecting your child and truly placing your child's needs above the competition and battle between you and your coparent:

Don't say negative things to your children about your coparent.
Don't interfere with or limit your child's time with your coparent.
Don't block phone messages, letters, cards, or gifts from your coparent.
Don't make it difficult for your child to reach and communicate with your coparent.
Don't express displeasure when your child talks about or shows pictures of time with your coparent. Don't detach from your child when he shows affection for or says positive things about your coparent.
Don't say or imply that your coparent doesn't love your child.
Don't create situations that pressure your child to reject your coparent or to choose you instead.
Don't say things to make your child feel unsafe or insecure with your coparent.
Don't confide in your child about adult matters that your child shouldn't know, like marital concerns or financial disputes.
Don't ask your child to spy on or secretly obtain information about your coparent and report back to you.
Don't ask your child to keep secrets from your coparent about things your coparent should have been informed about.
Don't refer to your coparent by their first name or by a formal address and their last name (e.g. Ms Smith) when talking to your child.
Don't refer to your new partner or spouse as Mom or Dad and expect your child to do the same.
Don't pressure your child to rely only on your opinion and approval.
Don't encourage your child to disregard or think less of your coparent's rules, values, and authority.
Don't make it hard for your child or make your child feel bad about spending time with your coparent's extended family.
Don't create situations in which your child will be angry with or hurt by your coparent.

Many parents who read this list find themselves repeatedly saying or thinking "But..." "But..." "But..." That is the nature of an adversarial/accusatorial system of problem resolution. When you find yourself defending and reacting, take a deep breath and shift your focus and energy to your child!

Focus on being positive, taking the high road, and being fully present to love and nurture your child when you are with them.

Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort

For many years, I have used the metaphor of a PLANT to teach basic parenting skills. P is for protecting. LA is for listening actively. N is for nurturing. T is for teaching. The basic idea is that the child, like the plant, needs to be thoughtfully placed in the proper environment; watched for signs of health and thriving versus signs of deprivation; provided adequate amounts of sun, shade, water, and fertilizer; and pruned at the right time in the right way for maximum health and growth. The child, like the plant, cannot thrive if it is left in its pot, placed haphazardly wherever it is convenient, then passed by with occasional thoughts of "I really need to move that, plant that, water that, prune that, fertilize that" and so on.

Unlike a plant, we can't just throw away the neglected child and go find or buy a new one. Neglect of a child, if unmitigated by enough positive parenting, can lead to a lifetime of challenges and struggles. Bringing a child into the world is a choice, whether we make that decision through a planned and loving decision with a committed partner or through an unplanned pregnancy. But neglect of a child is rarely a conscious choice for a parent. Neglect emerges in the context of our own life challenges and struggles when they overwhelm our ability to meet even the very basic needs of a child.

Once a parent is overwhelmed, children are at risk unless there is adequate support in the circle of people who love that child and in the community which supports all of the children who live there. Unfortunately, parents often don't discover the lack of support until they desperately need it. They must rely on luck, fate and the kindness of strangers to help them find their way. This is especially true when the break-up of the family is the source of the stress, and the circle of people who love the child begin to take sides, break into camps, and badmouth the group on the other side of the divide.

What does all of this have to do with "Putting Your Child First - Time, Intention, Effort?" Putting our children first is easy and enjoyable when we enough resources internally and externally to do so. When a family breaks apart, no one is the same. The emotional and physical changes are dramatic. Children suddenly feel afraid that a parent who has left will never come back; that the parent who stays may quit loving them, too; that their heart will break.

Children can't wait for a parent to stabilize after the capsize of the family any more than a plant can wait for someone to notice that they are dying from a lack of care. Children need to be "put first" as quickly as possible during family transition and parents need to keep it as simple as possible. Children don't need big amounts of toys/goodies, money, or special outings. Children do need frequent and reliable focused tending from both parents and with anyone in the circle of people who love them that would be usual for them, pre-breakup!

Research on families in transition has taught us that there are a couple of things parents can do daily that will build a stable bridge to a new life for everyone in the family. First, pay attention to the daily/weekly transitions for the child to ensure routine, preparation and predictability; and, second, show warmth and affection toward your child at least once a day! So, if parents focus on just 3 things during the first hour or so of the day, children will make it through the major changes safely: time, intention, and effort.

All 3 can be accomplished with few just a moments of the day. Each time you leave your child or reunify with your child, greet him or her, make eye contact, smile, hug, kiss, and take a moment to connect. Tell and show the child you are happy to see them, or tell them when you will see them next, not that you missed them or that you will miss them. "I missed you" takes on a whole new meaning when the child is now separated from you due to catastrophic life changes over which they have no control.  Don't burden them with your sense of loss. Make transitions warm, secure and routine. This one focused change conveys to the child all of the elements of time, intention and effort because they feel it, they experience it every time there is a transition.

Experience is how children learn about themselves and about the world, including how to be in a close and loving relationship which is what they learn from us, their parents! Parents don't need to be a perfect gardener for their growing child, just good enough. For the plant, enough sun, enough shade, enough water, enough food, and enough pruning. For the child, enough protection, enough listening actively, enough nurturing and and enough teaching.


Song: Plant a Radish