Your two home child comes home from the other parent’s house after the first 3-day week-end of the year and announces that they took a surprise trip to Disneyland for the week-end. And they are excited. Talkative, laughing, telling you stories about what they did and funny things that happened. And you find yourself having a hard time being happy and excited back because you are experiencing all kinds of strong reactions to the news. So you work very hard to just stay neutral because you don’t want to say anything bad about the other parent who, in your opinion, should not be spending money on a trip to Disneyland when he or she isn’t paying for _______________. You fill in the blank. I’m sure there is something. So, neutral?
Really? How many topics in your child’s life are you neutral about? Health? School? Toys? Friends? Video Games? Television? Grooming? Manners? Clothes? Sex? Drugs? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Religion? Politics? The truth is that parents aren’t neutral about much of anything in a child’s life and that’s a good thing because adequate parenting means caring, commitment, concern, involvement, engagement, participation. In short, parenting requires all of the things that neutral is not. If we’re really neutral about something, it means we’re unconcerned, nonchalant, not personally connected, casual about our involvement, comfortable with not taking part and comfortable with not giving assistance or support. And that describes someone who is not a good parent when it comes to anything that is important to our child.
No. Neutral is not what parents are toward their child, especially when it comes to the child’s other parent. And if you are really working at being neutral then your child feels it and it doesn’t feel good. How does it feel when someone you care deeply about responds to your need for recognition, love, support and approval with a lack of concern or interest? We all have had that experience in an important relationship. And we all know exactly how it feels. It feels awful and we struggle to understand why that other person that is so vital in our life is treating us as if they don’t love us, they don’t care, as if we don’t matter to them. To a child with a parent working at being neutral about something the child feels strongly about, neutral feels like rejection, abandonment, a lack of love. It feels like Mommy or Daddy suddenly goes away.
So what do you do? You keep your focus on your child and their enthusiasm, not on the topic. Imagine that your child is talking about anyone or anything he or she loves and feels excited about. You’re supporting your child’s sense of wonder and connection to the world. Keep your focus there and you will be able to engage. Say “that sounds fun!” or “You are so lucky!” It’s your job to find a way to connect to your child and support him or her in exploring the world and in feeling safe and happy in the knowledge that they can tell you anything and you will not go away.
If you continue to struggle with staying connected to your child when they are talking about the other parent, then get some help from other adults. Friends, family, a therapist, a spiritual advisor – find someone you can talk to about the adult feelings and reactions you have when the other parent is the focus of the child. Talk it through and practice until you develop the ability to stay focused on your little one. When you disconnect from your child it affects your relationship with him or her in potentially profound ways and you need to work at figuring out how to change that. Being a parent of a two home child is not easy sometimes. It requires skills that are new and different from parenting a child with both parents in one home. Acknowledge that to yourself, remind yourself when you forget how challenging it really is, and reconnect to yourself in a forgiving way.
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