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Friday, January 8, 2010

So...Who Does Own This Jacket?

Most of our kids are back in school after the Winter Break or are about to go back and all the new stuff from the gift-giving frenzy of the holidays is finding a home. For our 2 home kids this can be stressful if there are strings attached to the gifts, especially if it’s not talked about and they have to guess. For example, a young girl gets dressed for school and is ready to walk out the door to catch the bus. Her father says, “Hey. What are you doing? You can’t wear that jacket today. Your Mom is picking you up after school and that jacket belongs here. I bought that jacket. It’s brand new!” Bam! First she heard of it! Silly girl, she thought the gift was for her, not for her Dad or her Dad’s ‘house.’ Of course some parents and step-parents just have to say more, like “you know that nothing ever comes back from your Mom’s house.” Now the happy girl, excited about seeing her friends and showing off her new clothes is angry, resentful, embarrassed, and so on. And why? Because Dad didn’t tell her when he gave her the present that there were restrictions on it. And, by the way, he didn’t tell her as part of the preparation to go back to school and back on the regular sharing schedule. He waited until the last minute when it would absolutely be guaranteed to create some kind of tension.

Now, some of you are probably already having a dialogue with yourself or somebody else about this issue. You may be a person who thinks that there shouldn’t be any restrictions on gifts given to kids…that if you give a gift it belongs to the receiver or it’s not really a gift. Or you may believe it is reasonable for parents of 2 home kids to have some items that always stay in 1 home. Or you may be a parent who resents the other parent ever being able to see or touch anything that was bought with your own money so you make sure that never happens. And so on. There are many points of view on this…and we are not getting in to that part of it. This is about clear communication from the parent to the child and it is about the parent taking responsibility in a direct way for whatever his or her rule is about gifts/stuff bought and given in his or her house.

So who ‘owns’ the jacket and how do you safeguard resources without burdening your children? The discussion about what does and does not go back and forth between the 2 homes should start early. Some parents start it at the time of the parental separation by making sure the child makes choices about what goes to Mom’s house and what goes to Dad’s house from the very beginning. The parent makes it clear just what items are controlled by the parent and which are items the child gets to make the decision about. Sometimes you can communicate this limit when the discussion first starts about something the child wants. Your son or daughter’s birthday is in a few months and they let you know they really want a new bicycle or a PlayStation or Wii or laptop or iPod. Let them know right away if it will be available to go back and forth or if it will be a 1 home gift only.

While it is important to be consistent with your approach, you don’t want to be too rigid about it. For example if the Wii doesn’t go back and forth between homes but the child is having a birthday party sleep over with friends at the other parents house where there is not a Wii and they really want to play Rock Band it would be a great idea to be flexible for that special occasion. The good will you build between you and your child will feel great to both of you. So remember, it’s not that important what limits you set or why they are important to you. What matters is that you are clear and open with your child about what the rules are. It makes going back and forth a little bit easier for everybody!

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