Building a Plan for Restructuring Your Family When Mom or Dad Returns

Anticipate that you both will need to develop a plan that starts with short, brief amounts of time and gradually builds. Trust must be established between Mom and Dad. Trust must be established between the child and the returning parent.

it is best to develop a plan that will unfold in phases. It will be necessary to evaluate if the pace is too fast (or too slow) for the child to mange and make adjustments.

When the returning parent spends time with the child, all of the focus should be on the child and getting to know who they are rather than trying to catch them up on your life since you've been gone.

Plan activities that engage the child both mentally and physically.

Do things side-by-side to develop a stronger connection.

Don't use electronics to baby-sit your kids.

Don't use electronics to avoid contact when you are together.

Make your shared time interactive!

Learn about each other's interests.

Don't try to "buy" your way back into your child's life. Spend time not money. Bring healthy snacks not candy.

Do introduce your child to new experiences or teach them a new skill.

Do encourage them to share their artwork, their school work, sporting events, hobbies -- everything that can help you learn who this child is!

Parent-Child Reunification for Teens

At this age if an absent parent hasn't sought out their child, the child may be seeking them. These children are able to move from the fantasy of a reunion that they carried as a child to the idea that they can search out the missing parent themselves.

For children with absent fathers the risks of not having a father figure in their lives can lead to increased sexual activity for girls who may crave male attention and may leave boys floundering when it comes to forming intimate relationships.

If you have not been active in your child's life for several years, don't expect to have an authoritative or disciplinarian role. Be the role model for how they should live and provide support for the boundaries established by the custodial parent on such issues as drinking, drugs, dating, school, enrichment activities, church, and curfews.

Be on the watch for signs that your teen is having difficulty coping. Young men often will tend to appear angry when they are depressed and become more hostile and non-cooperative. Young women often are more likely to show classic signs of depression, withdrawal and isolation; and when unable to process their pain can develop eating disorders and self-harming behaviors.

Both young men and young women in this absent parent scenario may be more likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, tobacco, sex, money, food, relationships to soothe and contain their life challenges.

Parent-Child Reunification for Pre-Teens

Older children may very likely express a lot of anger at the absent parent. Developmentally they are learning to make decisions and do so by categorizing everything into two distinct buckets -- good or bad. It 'sucks' or 'it's awesome." Parent get put into these buckets too! You may have to put up with weeks or even months (or even years) of testy, sassy kids while they check you out and make sure you are safe to let back in again.

Once again we need to emphasize the importance of the primary parent in supporting and encouraging the children to have a relationship with both parents!

In many ways, pre-teens are no unlike two-year-olds. They are curious about new things and are trying to become more independent. When they don't get their way, they act out by being sassy or defiant. A pre-teen will tell their parent they don't know anything and that they are 'embarrassing!' However, they are comforted by knowing that you are not too far away.

Pre-teens will approach when they need you and the next minute push you way. This is true whether they live with you or not! Sometimes nothing a parent says, does, wears, or thinks will be right -- at least they don't acknowledge this to your face.

Parenting a child this age is a challenge that requires lots of patience. Anticipate that their new 'I know everything' attitude and sharp tongue will have you feeling like throwing in the towel. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THESE FEELINGS!! This is the time when staying in the game is critical to proving that you are there for the long haul, for the good and for the bad.

The key to keeping your sanity is not to engage in a power struggle with pre-teens. You can acknowledge their position without agreeing with them. You are the parent so act like one. You can be present without being intrusive.

Be prepared to have your child play you against the other parent -- especially if there is a high degree of conflict or if you don't talk to each other. The more pre-teens know that you won't or can't check things out with the other parent, the more wiggle room they have to push the limits.

The good news is that parents who can hang in there with children this age will reap tremendous benefits from the fun parts of spending time with a pre-teen. Children this age are able to think and talk about more interesting subjects. They are full of ideas and creativity, and they can be really perceptive about other people and wickedly funny!

If their interest and curiosity are sparked this is a great time to develop talents and interests that will stay with them into their adult years.

Hang in there! Be the parent! Be wise and loving and respectful. It is totally worth it!

Parent-Child Reunification for School Age 6-9

This begins the age of empathy and moral understanding. It is also a stage where sadness prevails in situations of loss.

As children this age continue to tr and make sense of their world they do so through the eyes of compassion and empathy. These children deeply grieve the loss of a parent and miss them terribly. Developmentally children this age work hard to please their parents and would rather put themselves in the middle of a conflict that take a side.

When exposed to conflict, these children understand the basic content of arguments -- which are almost always about money or the kids. Given their age, these children will blame themselves for the argument. They might think "if it wasn't for me my parents wouldn't be getting a divorce/separation." When children watch the two people they trust to make their life safe fight, it's as if they are at sea without a life vest.

Signs of distress in children this age are often physical -- headaches, tummy aches, leg pain. Some children might go back to bedwetting. If you see any of these signs consider slowing down the pace of the family restructuring, or getting additional therapeutic help.

Children who are school age need their energy and focus for the huge lessons they are learning in every area of life as they explore and experience. Don't allow your inability to be good and cooperative coparents to take away your child's spontaneity and joy.

Parent-Child Reunification for Ages 3-5

Through the eyes of a preschooler the world is a magical place where wishing for something can make it come true.

Preschoolers live in an imaginary world in which they often make up stories to make sense of their experiences. This can include stories about their family. They also have developed the beginning of concrete, black-and-white thinking that makes them more likely to blame themselves for a parent's departure.

Preschoolers are eager to have two parents and will fantasize about their parents being together. It is not uncommon for children this age to 'shop' for a replacement for the absent parent.

The returning parent needs to try to provide an environment that feels friendly and familiar to your child. If you are able to start your parenting time with your children in your own home, display your child's artwork, photos, and other things suggested by your coparent. If you start in supervised visitation, choose an agency or setting that is familiar and child-friendly. Your child needs to know that they have a space in your home and in your heart when they are not with you.

At this stage children have an increased capacity to worry and can become anxious. Help your child develop words for expressing their feelings in a more concrete way. Typically children this age fear abandonment. Provide your child with constant reminders that you are not going anywhere and will be there when they expect you to be -- for example when they visit or when they get out of school or daycare or have a special event. Show your child they can count on you to do what you say you will.

If you are not prepared to stay and be this parent, then don't proceed. It's not fair to your child.

Watch for signs that your toddler is experiencing anger through behaviors such as biting, hitting being irritable and withdrawing. Other signs that your child is under stress and that you may need to slow down the reunification process include nightmares, baby talking, wishing to sleep with parents, stuttering, toileting regression, or other behaviors that weren't happening before.

Parent-Child Reunification for Ages 0-3

This is a physically demanding time of care-taking for the custodial parent. Consider a structure that allows you to participate in the many levels of care including feeding, bathing, soothing, settling to sleep and all the other dailies of life.

If the returning parent lacks the experience and skills in these areas then ask for help from the custodial parent, a family member or friend, read books and take an infant parenting skills class.

For infants, multiple short visits during the week are best. Babies up until the age of three can have difficulty being away from their primary caretaker for long periods of time. Infants are like sponges absorbing everything in their environment. Thus it is critical that parents provide a soothing, safe, loving, responsive atmosphere. If conflict and tension exist your child will feel that tension inside of themselves.

Pay attention to signs that your infant is experiencing distress, including whining, clinginess, and fussiness that doesn't go away with soothing, as well as changes in eating and sleeping habits. Your chances of a successful visit increase if you can keep your child's eating and sleeping schedules close to what they are in the other parent's home.

Understand that beginning around age 6 months children naturally experience anxiety when leaving their primary caretaker. So if initial visits have your infant clinging on to the other parent's leg for dear life, don't assume they don't want to have anything to do with you and don't assume that the parent is doing anything to cause the behavior!

What should you do if your infant throws a fit when leaving the other parent/ Get tips from the primary parent about what helps calm the child down they s/he is stressed. Consider having a transitional object, like a blanket or favorite toy, which goes back and forth with the child.

If you are the returning parent, you need to be in shape for a marathon as your infant becomes a toddler. Around 18 months of age healthy children naturally seek independence. They explore their world by getting into everything and will need a lot of supervision during this time. Keeping up with a curious toddlers can be exhausting!

Both parents need to focus on the child's needs! Cooperation and collaboration is absolutely essential for the task of raising a healthy and happy child. Make sure your adult issues are resolved because your child needs peaceful and pleasant coparents!

Children Need Both Parents

This is the core belief upon which all services at Hannah's House is based. Many parents respond to this core belief with a sentence that begin with these words: "Yes, but, ........". What follows may include real concerns and threats to the children; distorted fears and personal anxieties of the parent; or projections of bad intentions that actually exist within the accuser.

We respond to the parent with these words: "Yes, and, .......". The child needs to be safe. The child needs to feel as secure as possible. Once safety and security are established, the child NEEDS to have his or her own experience of the other parent without the influence or involvement of the concerned parent.

The primary parent sets the tone for the level of cooperation or conflict that emerges in the coparenting relationship. So, if that is you, you need to be willing to look in the mirror and ask yourself how you have contributed to the estrangement or conflict of the past and what you could have done differently. If there was nothing else you could have done, then what can you do now?

What are the trigger points that push your coping skills to the limit and result in words or behaviors you later regret? More importantly how will you keep your child away from your negativity and desire for revenge or failure now, if that is how you feel? If you insist on being "right" in every aspect of coparenting then you should walk away from the table now. If you are not willing to work, to try, to make yourself open and vulnerable to change then you are setting your own child up for a traumatic experience.

Don't pretend. Be genuine. In this case that means facing your fear and bearing the discomfort of not being in complete control of your child and yourself. The support of the primary custodial parent cannot be overstated in its critical importance to the success or failure of the effort to reintegrate an estranged parent into the existing family structure. If the primary parent is intent on ensuring the process fails, it will fail. If the primary parent is intent on ensuring the process succeeds, it has every chance of succeeding.

The primary parent needs as much support and counseling during the reintegration process as the returning parent does. Unfortunately we live in a world where families are divided by clinicians and the courts into "treatment units." And, very sadly, the unit is very rarely the entire family. How can you facilitate a successful transition in a family by only working with parts of the family?

The Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House works with the entire family system in our Comprehensive Family Restructuring Therapy approach which addresses the important history of the family, the fears and concerns of everyone, and which incorporates all the strengths of the family to work for the good of the whole.

We all have aspects of our Self that we are still discovering regardless of our age or life experience. Part of living respectfully and thoughtfully is a commitment to learn, develop, and become more truly who we are. And that means acknowledging that we all have fears, anxieties, motivations, and desires that distort our perceptions at times. We may exaggerate or minimize reality so that we feel comfortable and reassured.

Restructuring the family after a family breakup is one of the greatest challenges individuals face. Everyone has work to do. Everyone needs to learn new skills. Regardless of how much time has passed or what mistakes have been made or what human frailties have emerged...give your child the chance for a full and complete and loving family life. Take the chance for the sake of your child. You may be amazed how much you will gain!