Peace in the Family: Information or Ammunition?

If you find yourself with burning questions to ask your child the moment they return from the other parents' home, you have to give it some serious thought before you follow that impulse. Are you compelled to ask your child those questions out of love and interest, or is this really an interrogation (subtle or not so) to gather ammunition for the next round in Family Court. Let's face it, questions are usually not a great way to interact with children at any age...unless it's a VERY young child and you're in a teaching mode like...is this yellow or is this green?!

Adult-generated questions typically do not lend themselves to spontaneous sharing and closeness. Quite the opposite. You are setting the agenda and your child is going to do the very best they can to give you answers that are pleasing to you. Far better to greet your child warmly and happily, genuinely expressing your hope that they had a great time. Then get into settling them back in to your home and their life with you. Trust that your child will share with you if and when they get the urge. Your job, Mom or Dad, is to nurture a relationship with your child that encourages and supports honest communication.

You may think you're being subtle when you indirectly, covertly, and ever so gently probe for more information and yet more details. Children aren't fooled. Depending on their age, they'll tell you what you want to hear to please you and reassure you, or they might decide to challenge you or even confront the fact that you are putting them squarely in the middle between two people they love.

If you really want information from your child about his or her life that will bring you closer together, then let it emerge naturally as the two of you spend positive and enjoyable time doing activities you both like. Listen actively to your child's verbal and nonverbal communication. Active listening requires your full attention, not focus divided between the child and driving or the child and a cellphone or email or whatever.

Knowing your child demands an investment of time, energy and focus on your part as a parent that can reap great rewards in the form of a close and loving relationship built on trust and honesty. Check yourself. Make sure you really want that deep, personal knowledge about your child and that you're not just hunting for ammunition to use in your adult war. Self-honesty is where genuine connection begins.

Coparenting: It's All About the Kids!

Today I find myself thinking about something St Augustin said..."Peace in society depends upon peace in the family." This idea has been an important touchstone for me throughout my years working with dual household families. Wikipedia's offering on peace is "Peace describes a society or a relationship that is operating harmoniously and without violent conflict. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility, or the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, safety in matters of social or economic welfare, the acknowledgment of equality and fairness in political relationships. In international relations, peacetime is the absence of any war or conflict."

Here is my version from the point of view of a 2-home kid!! Peace means my family living in harmony with each other without conflict or hostility and each of us feeling safe, valued and respected.

Some co-parents came from a place of peace this week here at Hannah's House. A co-parent offered make-up time to the other parent when it was not required by anyone - it was an act of generosity, an act of peace. Another parent said yes to a request that their co-parent be able to spend their birthday with the child when the issue of the parents' birthdays had never even been addressed in a court order. To some people, these may seem like small even inconsequential acts. But not to the 2 home kids effected by these acts of parental kindness.

These are huge wins for the child. Every child wants to feel like Team Mom and Team Dad are fully rooting for the child to win, to succeed, to feel loved, and to feel treasured. Saying yes to your co-parent can be a wonderful gift for your child. Offering your co-parent something extra, something above and beyond what is expected or ordered can ultimately be a wonderful gift of generosity to yourself in terms of the good will it can create in your co-parenting relationship.

Everybody wins if your child feels loved by both parents.

Take the High Road - Be a Positive Role Model

This has been one of those weeks already, and it is only Tuesday. The divisive things that parents say to children and the begrudging and even cruel way parents lash out against each other are painful to witness sometimes. To-the-death battles over length of hair, cleanliness of play clothes, the source of ordinary childhood bumps and bruises, and pull-ups vs panties are devastating when the battle field is a young child. 35% of the children caught in the middle of custody battles are under the age of 5. Another 48% are between the ages of 6 and 11. These little ones need the space and the permission to just be children...to play and laugh and run and explore. They deserve adults who take the high road to protect the children, adults who are positive role models.

What do you think?

scenario 1: One parent carefully chooses new toys for his or her children. The children are delighted with the gifts and have fun playing with them with the parent. The other parent picks the children up, takes the new toys away from them and throws the toys in the garbage or immediately drops them off at a charity for donation.

Scenario 2: One parent trims the child's hair. The other parent doesn't like it so they shave the child's head.

Scenario 3: One parent gives 28 days written notice for vacation instead of 30 because of late confirmation on an annual family reunion. The other parents says no because the request was 2 days late.

Clearly parents rationalize each of these choices. And, if honest, they would admit to some satisfaction in thwarting the parent's happiness or peace. Some parents not only rationalize but practice denial of the reality that they are harming their children by, in the first example, actively demonstrating their intolerance for the other parent; in the second example, using the child as a tool to covertly criticize the other parent; and, in the third example, use a technicality to deprive the child of contact with the extended family of the other parent.

Go ahead and indulge yourself in the fantasy of getting back at the other parent. That can be a healthy exercise when you still have a lot of unresolved anger, disappointment and hurt feelings. But when it comes time to take action, think about your kids. Think about what you should do in their best interest for a life unburdened by the need to take care of you and your adult concerns and worries. If you do that, in a reasonably honest fashion, you will probably take the high road most of the time.

Taking the high road as a coparent means bearing some discomfort from time to time, letting the other parent benefit from a decision, and giving up a couple of hours or days so your children gets a "yes" instead of "it's not my fault your mother/father can never....." Go ahead and try it -- let them have the positive experience of you taking the high road and modeling compromise for their sake.

You will end up feeling better about yourself and your children will be happier because they don't have to deal with your revenge and moral superiority. Harsh? Maybe for some parents it is. But for many who continue to say no out of spite long after it's time to move on, it's a fair assessment.

PG, PG-13 or R: Different Homes/Different Ratings

Your 10 year old comes home from her parenting time at Mom's House (or Dad's House) and excitedly tells you that she saw a new movie just released over the week-end. You know that it has an R-rating. You don’t allow your children to watch PG-13 movies, let alone R! What is your response? What do you consider in deciding what to say to her? Research has identified that ninety percent of R-rated films have depictions of drinking and some studies indicate that may be one reason that middle-schoolers who see the films are more vulnerable to early drinking. PG-13 movies often portray drinking, violence, sexual innuendo and other adult situations, so how do you decide whether or not to talk with your daughter about the movie content? While the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rates movies, they do it to inform consumers and assist them but they are not enforers. Ultimately, it is up to each person to decide what is and isn't acceptable.

For discussion purposes, the MPAA offers the following rating structure for movies:
* Rated G: General Audiences — All ages admitted
* Rated PG: Parental Guidance Suggested — Some material may not be suitable for children.
* Rated PG-13: Parents strongly cautioned
* Rated R: Restricted — Under 17 requires accompanying by a parent or adult guardian
* Rated NC-17: No one 17 and under admitted

Note that a common criticism of the rating structure is that sex is considered more objectionable than violence which results in excessive and extremely graphic violence being allowed in PG-13 movies. Consider that current research findings show a link between childrens' exposure to R-rated movies and early drinking, smoking, and both violent and sexual behavior. The research also suggests that children who see R-rated movies become more prone to sensation seeking and risk taking.

The reality is that children of all ages are sometimes exposed to subject matter and situations just as a part of life that may make some parents cringe. No matter how thoughtful and protective a parent may be, things happen in life that are unexpected and unplanned. That said, parents need to exercise control and provide guidance consistently when they can. And I don’t mean when the parent is rested and happy and content, etc. Not realistic. Parenting means being consistent, making tough calls, and tolerating discomfort with our children no matter how we are feeling.

So figure out what your values are and get clear about your rules in the areas of movies, television, games, and media in general. Then lay it out for your kids, engage in dialogue, enforce when necessary, and engage in dialogue again. Since no parent can protect a child 100% of the time, dialogue is critical if a parent is to have a meaningful impact in shaping their child’s values and behavior over time.

If you have at least a cordial coparenting relationship with the other parent then put this on the agenda for a coparenting meeting whether you do those by phone, email, or in person. Talk about your views and find out what the similarities and differences are. Where they vary, engage in dialogue. Don’t preach, belittle, or rant. Just talk. Share the basis for your views within your comfort zone in the coparenting relationship, but don't try or expect to change the other person’s point of view. Get clear about his or her values and rules and then you can respectfully disagree if that is the case. Each parent has the opportunity and the responsibility to teach children critical-thinking and self-assessment skills. That’s where you want to put your focus and your energy.

Truth or Dare

Parents of 2 home children feel stuck sometimes when their child starts a sentence with "but at Mommy's house...." or "but at Daddy's house...." Parents know that sometimes it is manipulation because the child doesn't like the answer they are getting! And they also know, or at least strongly suspect, that the child at times is making something up on the spot to either get out of trouble, or distract a parent from an action the child doesn't like. When a parent knows the child is telling the truth and knows the rules are just different in the two homes, it is pretty easy to deal with. But when a parent knows that what is being reported is probably not true, they wonder how to handle it. One effective way to proceed is to check it out with the other parent, but not immediately! That may be just the distraction your child is hoping for. The best thing in the heat of the moment is to stay focused on the child and continue down the path you were on. File it away for later as something to discuss with your co-parent.

So let's say you stick to your guns and keep the focus on the issue at hand and you get the kids to bed. Once they are down for the night, and you get a cup of tea, you sit down at the computer and email your co-parent. The response you get back makes it clear that either your child fabricated a tall tale or your co-parent has. In this situation, you probably want to give your co-parent the benefit of the doubt. The moral development of children can be a great mystery in just about any family situation, but the issue of honesty tends to be a particular challenge for children living between 2 homes.

This developmental issue in and of itself makes a good case for the critical importance of a good-enough co-parenting relationship between the parents/important adults responsible for 2 home kids. The more estranged the adults, the more likely it is that children will use that communication gap to manipulate the truth and their way out of uncomfortable situations in both homes. Parents sometimes contribute to or even cause the problem by being dishonest themselves about why they don't speak to the other parent. If you are a model of blame and rationalization when it comes to your co-parenting relationship, then you have set the tone for your children, and not in a helpful way.

Truth-telling takes courage, sometimes a lot of it. Most 2 home kids have seen eye-rolling, grimaces, and smirks when talking about the absent parent in the other parent's home. Or they may have heard sighs, grunts, and inappropriate adult communications about that parent. This leads them, too often, to feel like they need to hide any positive feelings they have for a parent when in the others' home. It will definitely have a negative impact on their self-esteem and their ability to trust the people closest to them. And it will shape the way they think about truth and honesty in relationships.

While children need and deserve to be protected from all the gory details of the divorce/separation/adult relationship, they also need and deserve honesty when it comes to both parent's acknowledgment of their own deficits in being an effective co-parent and doing so without the defenses of blame and rationalization. If you make a mistake, admit it and apologize or ask for forgiveness. Then work at doing better, don't just give lip service. An honest effort to do a better job at co-parenting goes a long way with 2 home kids working at learning how to go back and forth between 2 parents they love very much.

Look Both Ways Before You Cross the Street

Many parents feel that their number one job is to provide safe and secure environments in which their children can thrive. We choose the safest neighborhoods to live in that we can. We meet our children’s friends and their parents to ensure we feel comfortable with their ability to be a good influence and keep our children safe. We monitor both the quantity and quality of television/electronic media our children interact with on a daily basis. We keep our children close and slowly, carefully increase both the distance they can travel and the amount of time they can be away from us. And we teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street.

We want our children to be safe physically, mentally and emotionally. Parents do everything in their power to protect their children. And sometimes, no matter how good a job a parent has done with that, bad things happen to good people. It’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just the way it is sometimes. Children fall down and get hurt. Children get diagnosed with illness. Children get hurt by other people. Children end up in situations that are risky or dangerous and it’s not because they haven’t done everything we have taught them to do to stay safe. It’s because we cannot control everything and everybody. We cannot predict the intentions and motivations of other people our children encounter. We can only do our very best to safeguard our children.

Inevitably, our children will get hurt – physically, mentally, and emotionally – and we cannot prevent that. Not completely. And when they get hurt we second guess ourselves by asking what we did wrong or what our child did wrong. We try desperately to understand how this could have been prevented. We struggle to find some way to believe that we are not powerless sometimes to protect our children. This is a painful reality for a parent to really accept because it is frightening to feel that lack of power.

A young girl in our local community is missing. A registered sex offender has been arrested on suspicion of rape and murder. She went running in a busy community park after school during the afternoon. School dismissed at 2:30 pm. By 5:30 pm, her father was driving around the neighborhood looking for her because she was late getting home on her usual schedule and it was not like her to fail to communicate about that to her parents. Our local paper ran an editorial this morning titled “Teach your children well.” The editorial concludes with: “We still don’t know what happened in this case. But anyone can make a mistake and let her guard down. And, tragically, in the world in which we live, it only takes one mistake. Parents, teach your children well.”

Really?! A mistake?! How can this editorial board consider, even for a moment, that this young woman did something wrong? It’s an automatic, unthinking and defensive response of people who desperately want to believe that this could have been prevented if only the young girl had…done what? Not gone running as she had hundreds of other school day afternoons in that very park? Taken her cell phone and, what, made a phone call to 911 after the guy probably blind-sided her with a body slam to the ground which is what he did to a previous victim who escaped? The suggestion that this girl did anything wrong or that her parents failed her in any way is a tragedy. No doubt there are some things that could have led to a different outcome but those preventive solutions that are far too late for this family and have absolutely nothing to do with her. Some of the responsibility lies with the judicial and correctional systems. And, ultimately, the responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the brutal human being who hurt her.

Parents do the very best they can. Children do, too. The nature of being human is that we struggle sometimes with the best and worst in ourselves and in others. And sometimes, no matter how vigilant and positive and successful and careful we are, bad things happen to good people. When this happens, the only thing we can really do is reach out to each other for sustenance and support and healing. I strive to be the kind of parent, friend and community member who understands that sometimes there is no way to prevent the hurt that comes with just living life. I want to be someone who helps with the healing. And I hope that if I ever blame someone living life as thoughtfully and carefully as they possibly can for a horror that befalls them that is completely outside their ability to conceive let alone control, that someone gives me a great big smack on the head and says “knock it off you arrogant, insensitive moron.”

How do I answer these questions about the divorce?

Timing is everything, isn’t it? Of course these tough questions are likely to come tumbling out when your child is tired, hungry, angry and just stressed out. So the chances that either one of you are actually going to be in the right frame of mind to have such a sensitive discussion are pretty slim.

Given that, the first thing you want to do is acknowledge what an important topic it is, “This sounds really important.”

Second, assure the child you will answer their questions and make a commitment to do that soon, like sometime in the next day (24 hours.) “I will sit down and talk with you about this before bedtime tomorrow night. I want to make sure we have the time to talk about this at a time when we both can focus on it.” Don’t answer spontaneously on the spur of the moment. Even if you think you might be able to handle it, don’t take the risk that you might blow it in even small ways.

Third, immediately email or call your most trusted, reliable, balanced adult confidante and start talking it through with them. Prepare, prepare, prepare...the three most important factors in discussing divorce with your child.

Prior to having this discussion with your child is a great time to refresh yourself on the developmental tasks and stressors that are a part of your child’s life just based on their age. Even though it may feel like it to you sometimes, every problem or challenge in the life of a child is not because of the divorce or separation. Clearly it’s not easy to sort out where the trigger is sometimes, but it is really important to broaden your perspective and remember that life offers its own challenges for each of us just because we are alive and on the planet and trying to live a life.

Once you have grounded yourself through dialogue with a trusted confidante and oriented yourself about ordinary developmental stressors, initiate the conversation with your child. If your preparation has been done well, you will be able to (1) stay focused on your child’s needs not your own, (2) answer their questions in a child-friendly manner that protects them from adult burdens and emotions, and (3) let them know that you have your own struggles with accepting the changes in your family.

Your goals are to (1) provide emotional support, (2) share age-appropriate information for the purpose of reducing anxiety and (3) connect as openly and honestly as you can. If the child asks about money or sex tell them those are adult matters that are the responsibility of the grown-ups - tell them that even if, or especially if, it is clear that the other parent has already told them way too many details! Somebody needs to be an adult in this situation if they are actually an adult -- meaning kids cannot be in the adult role!! You only have control of yourself so make sure that you make the right choice.

Do affirm that the changes are final and share how difficult that is.
Don’t offer false hope of reunification.

Do reassure your child in the love of both of his or her parents.
Don’t even hint that one parent is preferred over the other.

Do remind your child that the changes are not his or her fault, that they are those of the adults.
Don’t use your child as a go-between to create distance between the child and his or her other parent.