Transitional Coparenting

Transition is a word we all know. It means that something in my life is changing and I am in-between what used-to-be and what is-to-come. It means I don’t know how long I will be in-between.
Stress is a word we also all know. And most people understand that there is helpful/positive stress, and hurtful/negative stress.

Some transitions are a normal part of life and there are social/cultural rituals that support those transitions and the people going through them:

1 Birth of a child and every single thing that child learns to do for years to come!
2 Child starting pre-school and each significant transition through the academic years!

3 Engagement and marriage

4 Death of parents and grand-parents

Some transitions are unplanned, unexpected, shocking, and traumatic. These are transitions that do not happen to everybody.

These are transitions accompanied by a sense of isolation, judgment by others or fear of that judgment.

Divorce, separation, the break-up of a family…this is one of those unexpected transitions that don’t happen to everybody.

This is a transition that changes everything in our lives. Just the logistics can be overwhelming.

1 Someone has to move.
2 The legal system gets involved.
3 Extended family and friends take sides.
4 The division of labor in the household no longer exists – both parents become single parents.

This list is endless and truly includes almost every single aspect of who we are in our home, in our families, and in our communities.
Regardless of the trigger, transitions have three basic components.

T rusting
R eal
A nxieties

The fears and worries you have a real. Others may want to minimize them, to reassure you. Find people who understand that this transition is going to last a long time and you need to be able to feel the fears that go with that.

N eeding
S pecific
I nformation

Seek information from many sources! Don't just take that referral for a go-for-the-throat family law attorney because you are feeling afraid. Take a deep breath and honor yourself and your children enough to do some research. Find out everything that is available. Don't stop exploring until you are sure you understand all of your choices.

T o
I dentify
O ur
N ext
S tep

Once you understand your choices, it's time to make a decision. 

Don't try to solve everything at once. Just make a decision about the next thing you absolutely need to address. If you can take it just one step at a time, you will be less likely to make mistakes that will add to your stress.

Transitional coparenting often begins long before the household breaks apart into 2 separate homes. Tension, fighting, betrayal, fear – these feelings are usually part of the coparenting relationship even before the parents live in 2 separate homes.

Bad habits, automatic actions and reactions are created before either parent is even aware that it is happening.

Very few families break apart easily. New hurts occur in the process and intensify the old ones. This happens to everyone in the family. Unfortunately, the focus is all too often on the experience of the grown-ups. The parents are so focused on each other that neither is really protecting the children. More likely, the parents are competing to look as if they are protecting the children.

Sadly, both parents are probably focused on protecting the children from the other parent and not focused on protecting the children from the trauma of the parents not being friends anymore.

Transitional coparenting means:
1 keeping your own feelings about the other parent to yourself.
2 never saying anything negative about the other parent to or in front of the children.
3 reassuring children that both parents will always love them.
4 explaining that both parents have figured out that they just can’t live together anymore and it has nothing to do with the children.
5 saying “mommy” or “daddy” when referring to the other parent
6 communicating only about the children if the email or text is focused on coparenting
7 asking for support and change, rather than making demands
8 honoring the choices you made for the sake of your children.

Transitional coparenting is hard work. There will be many times when you want to explode or scream or rant in pain, hurt, or anger. You will have to delay, restrain yourself, and wait until the children have gone to bed or gone to be with the other parent.

Transitional coparenting means taking advantage of every moment you have when the children are not present, to take a deep breath and feel all the feelings about your marriage, your life, that other person who hurt or disappointed you.

Transitional coparenting means preparing for reuniting with your children every single time they come back. You want to be ready for them, welcoming, and as emotionally clear as you possibly can be.

You chose to create a child with the other parent…don’t hurt your child by letting them know that you have changed your mind. Reassure your child every day in every way that you love him or her just the way they are. Cherish the wonder of the child you and the other parent created and find ways to cherish the ways that child is like the other parent.

If you reject the other parent, you reject your child.

Find a support group for Moms or Dads of 2-home children. Start therapy. Take a coparenting class. Take a parenting class.

Bottom line: The transition of restructuring a family from 1 home to 2 homes takes a long time. And you are in this for the long haul, right?

Take care of yourself in some way every day, or you will not be able to take care of your children.

Key Factor #6 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Grievance Policy/Procedure

Consumers receiving court-ordered supervised visitation services need access to a process for expressing concerns about their case and the way it is being managed.

We have several mechanisms in place for consumer feedback. There is a Senior Supervisor on Saturday and Sunday who is assigned to assist clients with all concerns in service delivery. Program Coordinators fulfill that role Monday - Friday.

If the Senior Supervisor or a Program Coordinator cannot resolve a concern, the concern is then presented to the Program Director. If the Program Director is not able to resolve the concern, it is presented in an Executive Team meeting which includes Program Manager, Program Director, Assistant Director, and Executive Director.

If the Executive Team is unable to resolve the concern, the client makes a formal written request to the Board of Directors. That concern is then placed on the agenda for a regularly scheduled meeting of the Board, which occur quarterly.

Some items can't wait for resolution, so there is a procedure in place for Board member involvement and review outside the regular meeting schedule when an issue is time-sensitive.

Hannah's House also has a formal Feedback Procedure for Court Reports. That procedure is issued with every court report so that clients are able to quickly complete that process if they need corrections to the report or need clarification.

Family court matters are stressful enough for everyone involved without the provider adding stress to the situation by being unavailable or refusing to work toward resolving problems when they occur.

At Hannah's House, we make every effort to respect input from our clients. We welcome feedback and want to know how our services delivery, policies and procedures effect those we serve.

Key Factor #5 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Forensic Record Keeping and Reports

Forensic science is any scientific field that is applied to the field of law. In the case of supervised visitation at Hannah's House, the areas of science are social science and behavioral science. Forensic scientists are tasked with the collection, preservation, and analysis of scientific evidence during the course of an investigation and all of that evidence is.related to, used in, or suitable to a court of law.

The provision of supervised visitation services requires 100% eye shot and earshot observation and documentation. The 2015 California Rules of Court sets forth Standard 5.20.

Uniform standards of practice for providers of supervised visitation

(a) Scope of service

This standard defines the standards of practice, including duties and obligations, for providers of supervised visitation under Family Code sections 3200 and 3200.5. Unless specified otherwise, the standards of practice are designed to apply to all providers of supervised visitation, whether the provider is a friend, relative, paid independent contractor, employee, intern, or volunteer operating independently or through a supervised visitation center or agency.

The goal of these standards of practice is to assure the safety and welfare of the child, adults, and providers of supervised visitation. Once safety is assured, the best interest of the child is the paramount consideration at all stages and particularly in deciding the manner in which supervision is provided. Each court is encouraged to adopt local court rules necessary to implement these standards of practice.

Nonprofessional providers are held to the same standard as professional providers in most areas of the standard. They are not required to document, maintain records or produce reports. Only professional providers are held to the record keeping and reports portion of the standard.

5.20 requirements are detailed clearly:

(1) Professional providers must keep a record for each case, including the following:

(A) A written record of each contact and visit;

(B) Who attended the visit;

(C) Any failure to comply with the terms and conditions of the visitation; and

(D) Any incidence of abuse as required by law.

(2) Case recordings should be limited to facts, observations, and direct statements made by the parties, not personal conclusions, suggestions, or opinions of the provider. All contacts by the provider in person, in writing, or by telephone with either party, the children, the court, attorneys, mental health professionals, and referring agencies should be documented in the case file. All entries should be dated and signed by the person recording the entry.

(3) If ordered by the court or requested by either party or the attorney for either party or the attorney for the child, a report about the supervised visit must be produced. These reports should include facts, observations, and direct statements and not opinions or recommendations regarding future visitation. The original report must be sent to the court if so ordered, or to the requesting party or attorney, and copies should be sent to all parties, their attorneys, and the attorney for the child.

(4) Any identifying information about the parties and the child, including addresses, telephone numbers, places of employment, and schools, is confidential, should not be disclosed, and should be deleted from documents before releasing them to any court, attorney, attorney for the child, party, mediator, evaluator, mental health professional, social worker, or referring agency, except as required in reporting suspected child abuse.

Hannah's House has a database of clients which includes the initial phone screening, intake information, and a phone log where all phone conversations are logged. Since the advent of email and the internet, electronic documentation has become the more common method of communication and all emails communication is maintained on all clients.

Supervisors complete Activity Reports during each visit and each exchange. Documentation on the Activity Report is completed at the time of service delivery and then reviewed in a weekly Quality Assurance meeting for completeness and accuracy.

When a court report is ordered or requested by any legal party to a case, the individual activity reports are compiled into one report document and distributed to all legal parties to the case. All phone logs, emails and in-person communication is also included in the court report.

Hannah's House provides supervised exchange services that are guided by the 5.20 Standard. However, it's important for consumers to know that, as of January 1, 2015, any reference to supervised exchange in the Rule were eliminated. This means that there is no standard for supervised exchanges.

Key Factor #4 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Team Approach

When we began our research for program development in 1988, we found that one of the first common concerns expressed by the majority of parents, extended family members and professionals in the community related to the bias of professional monitors.

Users of the services experienced the providers as "taking sides." Sometimes it was a perception and sometimes it was an accurate report. We realized that there was no way in family disputes to ensure that both parties had a positive customer experience. We also realized that we had to develop a service delivery system that controlled for the perception or the reality of a professional provider "taking sides."

We decided to use a Team Approach to service delivery. This seemed like the best way to ensure that there were multiple perspectives and experiences of each family receiving services. It is human nature to become accustomed to a situation, to begin to generalize from our past experience in that situation, and then to lose accuracy and completeness in the experience.

We recognized that everyone has biases, prejudices, beliefs, and values that filter our daily experiences. It made sense to us that multiple professionals interacting with the same family would produce a much more accurate picture of parent-child relationships over time.

We also recognized that we all have had the experience of instantly liking or disliking someone. We knew this would happen for staff members and for clients. We decided early on that these responses would not dictate staffing assignments.

Staff members needs to be able to observe and document accurately regardless of personal reactions to someone. Skill development for a professional includes learning how to self-observe negative reactions to a person or behavior and then document without prejudice or editing.

Parents need to focus on just spending time with their children. Countless times over the past 27 years, parents have complained about the prejudice of a staff member. When we review the notes in these cases, 9 out of 10 times we find that the documentation provided a picture of a good parent and a positive parent-child relationship.

The parent was having a negative reaction to the Team Member and made the assumption that it meant the person didn't like the parent and that the Team Member would document with a negative tone. Imagine if we changed Team Members or assigned Team Members based on the requests of a parent. That would be bias or at the very least the appearance of bias.

Hannah's House has successfully used the Team Approach to forensic service delivery for over 27 years. We do assign one staff person to particular cases but only when there is a clearly documented medical reason for such an assignment.

We are the eyes and ears of the judge who will never meet the children, at least in most cases. We have a legal, moral, and ethical obligation to provide the clearest possible picture of the family. The Team Approach helps us meet all of these obligations in a forensically validated manner.

Key Factor #3 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Clear Policies and Procedures

Since 1988, Hannah's House has provided forensic support services to families involved in family court cases the San Diego Superior Court.

We started very small with just one family. We consulted with professionals in the community from different ares of interest:
Legal
Mental Health
Medical
Education
Law Enforcement
Employee Assistance
Nonprofit

We also identified a large group of consumers who had used forensic support services in communities throughout the country, and conducted individual interviews and surveys to determine what had helped families and what had hurt families.

It quickly became clear that there were several basic elements that had to be present in any effort to help these families:

1 Philosophy of inclusion of both parents

2 Goal of normalizing divorce, separation, and child sharing

3 Equal treatment of both parents ordered to supervised visitation

4 Focus on the here and now for parents visiting children - references to the past or the future was stressful for the child

5 Sensitivity to the appearance of bias or the appearance of a conflict of interest

6 Routine and predictability was essential for all family members

Fortunately, the co-founders of the organization came out of a military background where clear policies and procedures provided a sense of stability, continuity and teamwork.

The organization was developed with these 6 basic elements as the cornerstone. Clear, written policies and procedures were created between 1988 and 1992 as service delivery to families increased.

A community advisory group composed of the interdisciplinary team of professionals drafted policies, reviewed the implementation with families as they received services, and refined the procedures to ensure maximum effectiveness.

Many of the polices and procedures created during those early years remain unchanged today. California did not have standards for the delivery of professional supervised visitation services until 1998, originally Rules of Court 36.2, not 5.20.

Hannah's House was already meeting and exceeding those 1998 standards when they came into being. The only changes required were agreements with local law enforcement and specific abduction prevention policies that were required for agencies.

The definition of supervised visitation in the law is "contact between a noncustodial party and one or more children in the presence of a neutral third person."

There is no mention of anyone other than parent, child, neutral. By law, there is no inclusion of guests. No extended family members. No blended family members. No friends.

This basic definition is probably the best example of why clear policies and procedures are essential. There is no way to address the matter of guests in an unbiased way that ensures there is no discrimination in favor of or against a consumer unless the same rules apply to every single case and every single request.

There are 17 standards in the law, and 90 sub-standards in the Calfornia law governing the work of the professional provider of supervised visitation. Despite this attention in the law, this is a profession that is still largely unregulated.

Consumers have little or no protection from professional providers who do not follow the law, especially if the consumer has no idea that they are operating illegally. That is why it is critical for the consumer to know the law and know the legal standards.

Take a copy of Family Code 3200.5 and Rules of Court 5.20 to your orientation meeting with the professional provider you have chosen. The provider should be able to tell you the policy and procedures they have in place for each of the 17 standards and each of 90 sub-standards.

The provider must have a written contract signed by each client that details the policies and procedures of the provider. If you, the consumer, find that the provider is unable to tell you what the policies and procedures are that they follow to ensure compliance with the law, don't use them for services.

Policies and procedures established, implemented, and maintained by the professional provider of supervised visitation is the only protection the individual family member has that the child will be safe and court orders will be respected.

San Diego Superior Court does not require any proof from any person on Court Resource List. You, the parent, are the only person who can ensure the the law is followed.

Unfortunately, there are still many attorneys who are unfamiliar with the standards for the provision of these services. If you have an attorney, make sure that your attorney is familiar with the standards and that he or she is recommending a professional who is, in fact, in compliance.

The law is in place to ensure that the services are delivered properly, that orders are followed and that children are protected. Professional providers of supervised visitation should be held to the standards they have already sworn to under penalty of perjury when they made application to be included on the list provided to consumers on the San Diego Superior Court website Court Resource List.

Key Factor #1 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: CONTROLLING FOR BIAS

California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 establish standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV). A search engine will readily find both. Consumers in need of these services need to understand the law.

One of the requirements of the PPSV is following all aspects of the law. Controlling for bias is one of those requirements.

Bias is a prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair. In family law cases with an order for supervised visitation, it is a PPSV who is prejudiced in favor of or against one party, the Petitioner, or the Respondent.

The only way to control for bias is to create a process that treats both parties equally from the very beginning.

Hannah's House conducts a screening with both parties prior to any face-to-face meetings. The screening may be done over the phone or via the website. The consumer chooses.

The screening is exactly the same for every person who completes it. The only differences occur because of different facts in each case. Each party on every case is given an equal opportunity to provide the necessary information.

The intake and orientation is the same for every person who completes it. Parents attend an in-person meeting. They will be in a group that includes both residential parents and visiting parents, but two parties to the same case will not participate in the same intake and orientation meeting.

Hannah's House provides supervised visitation and supervised exchanges. The variations in the intake process relate to the difference in those services.

The goal of the intake, orientation, and legal review process is to learn about the case, ensure both parties understand their rights and responsibilities, and to figure out how to keep stress down for the children.

Children are required to attend a Turtle Tour orientation. This provides the child with the opportunity to meet the Human and the Animal Staff, and to explore the family rooms, art and music room, and the snack shop!

The Turtle Tour is required so that children know in advance where they will be coming and what the place and the people are like. This helps control for bias because staff is assured the child is familiar with the setting so staff can just focus on the transitions from one parent to another.

100% of contact between Staff and clients is documented. Email, phone logs, and activity reports are completed at the time of contact.

All activity reports are reviewed weekly by a Quality Assurance Team in a regular QA meeting. The purpose of the review is to ensure accuracy and completeness in the documentation, and to identify any client or staff discrepancies that require intervention beyond that which occurred during service delivery.

The QA team consists of the Assistant Executive Director, Program Director, Program Manager, Program Coordinator - Scheduling, Program Coordinator - Reports and Record Keeping, and any PPSV who wants to attend.

Clients and staff members with discrepancies that occurred during service delivery during the previous week will be contacted by a staff person to address the discrepancy. Typically this contact occurs within 24-48 hours following the meeting.

There is a Quality Control function built into the system to ensure that the discrepancy contacts are made, completed, and documented for each client and staff person identified.

Hannah's House is a forensic social service agency where everything that is said and done can potentially become part of legal proceeding. We take that responsibility seriously and the first step in ensuring forensic accuracy in our service delivery is controlling for bias.

Key Factors for Hannah’s House Professional Supervised Visitation Services

Hannah's House provide services to parents who mistrust and/or dislike each other. Our job is to be a professional neutral. We must establish rapport and some basic trust with each parent, without creating mistrust on the part of the other parent.

Parents come to us from an adversarial experience where one of them 'won' and one of them 'lost'.

Sometimes the 'winner' comes out of court with the idea that they are in control of the situation. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

Sometimes the 'loser' comes out of court with the idea that they are criminal or least being treated like a criminal. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

In other words, the judge has made orders that accord rights and responsibilities for parenting and coparenting that apply equally to both parents.

We focus on several important factors to accomplish our goal of building rapport and creating trust:

1 Controlling for bias
2 Preventing conflict of interest
(including appearance of conflict of interest)
3 Clear policies and procedures
4 Team approach
5 Forensic reports and record keeping
6 Grievance policy/procedure
7 Standardization

Over the next several days I will talk about each one of these factors and discuss the policies, procedures and rationale for each one of them.

Questioning Children in Supervised Visitation: Guidance for Moms and Dads

Supervised visitation can be a challenge in a number of ways. One of those is figuring out what questions are okay to ask your child and which ones need to be avoided.

The purpose of supervised visitation to to ensure that the parent-child relationship is safe and protected and as nurturing as possible for the child.

Part of protecting the child is making sure they are not put in the position of feeling caught in the middle in any way between the two parents!

Questions should be asked in a way that does not limit the Child’s response to giving only specific information OR require the Child to provide details about the other parent's life/home!

Some of the examples below are based on the parent already having information about the child.

OKAY (general & child-oriented)
How is school?
What is your favorite subject?
Did you have a good week?
Are those new shoes? They look really nice!
Did you have a nice vacation?
Did you get a haircut?
Have you had lunch yet? If not, let's eat together.
Did your doctor’s appointment go ok?
Did you have fun with your friends at school today? (On a school night)

NOT OKAY (specific & detail-oriented)
Where do you go to school?
What is your teacher’s name?
Who brought you to the visit?
Are those new shoes? Who gave you those shoes?Where did you go on vacation? Who went? How did you travel?
Who cut your hair?
Have you had lunch yet? When and where did you eat lunch?
What doctor did you go to?Who are your friends at school?

Children in supervised visitaiton can initiate any topic they want, including information they should not give!!

If the other parent has sole legal custody, do not allow the Child to give any details about school, dentist, doctor, coaches, troop leaders, teachers, etc. even if the Child is the one initiating.

Either the parent or the Supervisor should gently but quickly interrupt the Child to prevent the disclosure. If Child discloses info, the Supervisor will write a note to the other parent about it and pass it at end of visit. This is done to protect everyone in the situation.

By the way, it is equally important that the child not be grilled with questions by the other parent once the supervised visitation is over. Children need to be greeted with a warm smile, hug and an invitation to reconnect and move on with the day.

Cordial and Business-Like: How to do Coparenting Meetings Without Losing Your Mind

Most parents don't even think about "The Coparenting Relationship" when they are living in the same household sharing the parenting of a child. That relationship exists but it is so interwoven into the fabric of the couple relationship that it is hard to separate it from all the other ways in which the couple are connected to each other. So the transition from coparenting under the same roof to coparenting in different homes is complicated. Most people find it challenging to keep their feelings about the failure of their couplehood out of the discussion of issues dealing only with the child when they first make that transition. You will hear advice like "be cordial" ... "be business-like" ... "be civil." All good advice! But not so easy to do sometimes when the feelings you're carrying around are both intense and unpredictable.

While your child is learning the skills of successfully going back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, you are trying to learn the skills of coparenting with someone you may not trust or like or respect anymore. Some of those skills include: (1)defining and sticking to a clear agenda before discussions; (2) establishing and following ground rules for good coparenting communication; (3) taking a break when either person gets off topic or violates a ground rule; and (4) holding all non-emergency issues for the next scheduled coparenting meeting.

No matter how motivated a parent may be in this situation, too often the impulsive verbal or written jab is thrown and cannot be taken back. Just that quickly, damage is done to a relationship already fragile and struggling. Facilitated coparenting meetings are one of the tools offered at Hannah's House to help parents make the transition to face to face meetings and child exchanges. A facilitated meeting is conducted by an expert in both child development and family transitions. Each parent completes a list of issues they would like to discuss in the initial meeting. The coparenting facilitator compiles a rank-ordered agenda based on the highest priority issues for the particular family situation and provides that back to each coparent. The facilitator also gives each coparent some basic ground rules that will be followed during the meeting.

Most coparents find that a once a month meeting works well for approximately the first three-six months following the initial family transition then every other month for about six months. Some parents are able to meet on their own fairly early on in a cordial, civil and business-like fashion, with the help of friends, family and professionals. For those that are concerned about their ability to do that on their own immediately, the facilitated coparenting meeting is a resource available that can help parents avoid any pitfalls and land mines during the first meetings following the transition. Coparenting meetings, phone calls and emails are not the place to try to deal with your unresolved issues and feelings left over from your couple relationship. Do that in therapy, with your friends and family, or in your journal. Those adult issues have no place in the middle of a relationship that exists for the sole purpose of providing care for your child so don’t do it. If you can’t hold the boundaries, for the sake of your child, then admit it and let someone else take that responsibility for you...at least at the beginning.

Coparenting is a challenge but it does get easier. There really is a set of skills you can master, with time and practice.

Self-Soothing and Self-Control - Let's Do It!

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Back to School or Back to the Battlefield: Finding Peace and Healing for 2-Home Kids and Their Parents

August and September bring special days in the lives of children starting school for the first time or returning to school after a summer break. The emphasis here is on special days for the children!

Unfortunately, parents can easily take the pleasure and happiness out of these special days by placing the children in the middle of a coparenting conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1   But, sweetie, Mommy (Daddy) already bought you a back pack! 

2   Oh, no, what are we going to do! I invited your granny and grandpop to your first day of school and you know they don't get along with your dad's new wife (mom's new husband)! 

3   What?! Did you say that Mommy and Daddy Bob (Daddy and Mommy Sara) are coming to your first day of school, too? You only have one Dad (Mom) and that is me!

For those of you think that there is a gender which has ownership of guilt-tripping 2-home children, think again. After nearly 30 years working with family court moms and dads I can honestly say that I still hear and see moms AND dads do and say things that surprise and sometimes even shock me.

And for those of you who want to say that I am criticizing parents and defending the system or that I am a part of it, I understand you frustration. But what can I do? I ask myself that every day which is why I am writing this blog. 

I can't prevent damage done to children because parents are waiting for the system to protect their child. I can't prevent damage done to children because attorneys are required to be zealous advocates for their family court clients, most of whom are adults. I can't prevent damage done to children because parents wait too long to protect their children from family dysfunction: domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and violence. I can't prevent judges from making decisions that don't protect children, whether in the short term or the long term. 

This is what I can do. I can try to have a dialogue with coparents who know there must be a better way to coparent than always feeling defeated, or challenged, or angry, or competitive, or powerless. And there is. But it is hard work and takes commitment and lots of practice and lots of failures or at least near misses!

If you are stressed about your child's transition back to school, shift your focus. Put yourself in your child's shoes and figure out what this means to them. How does it feel to them when they are made responsible for your need to control and manage your anxiety about your coparent? Focus on your child, his or her needs from you, and keep your nose out of the other parent's business. Unless you need to call the police or CPS because your child has been injured physically or is in imminent danger of being injured physically, relax and reset your emotional and psychological boundaries. 

Anxiety interferes with empathy. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will behave in an egocentric manner that ignores your child and cuts him or her off from your support when they need you the most!

Focus on making your child's return to school fun and exciting with a focus on all the potential for discovery and pleasure in the coming months. Set aside your own fears and celebrate the joy of a child growing into new possibilities! If you can find a way to be positive or just respectful toward a coparent you have previously ignored or disrespected, then that would be awesome! 

If you can make just one step toward healing yourself at this time of important transition in the life of your family, then your child will flourish this year.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.

Family Break-Up: Healthy Alliances or Unhealthy Allegiances?

Most coparents have either heard or read about the problems children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce. Some children feel caught in the middle of the conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one. Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child. Some parents, most unintentionally, exploit the child's vulnerability at this crucial time.

A parent who is adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will.

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you.

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility.

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore.

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy alliances for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who is not adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly try to exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me to be alone.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this kind of life. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy allegiance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent. The message is clear that the only choice available is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy alliances for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create unhealthy allegiance for the child in only one home, which engenders loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!

Don't Become an Adversary to Your Child!

Family breakup is a disruptive process that feels chaotic for all family members, and traumatic for some. Parents are responsible to work together to make sure that everyone in the family makes a successful transition to a new family structure that feels safe and secure and loving.

Some parents are unable or unwilling to accept responsibility for this basic parenting role. Instead they invest energy in blame, sabotage and competition. The traditional adversarial Family Court process sets up and reinforces this win/lose approach to sharing children, resulted in children who feel divided and conflicted. It is easy for parents to get swept up in the contest to present the most compelling story to a theoretically neutral judge who decides whether Mom or Dad is the most convincing. In criminal systems, this process is sometimes referred to as accusatorial.

When accused, our immediate reaction is to defend. Especially when our bond to our child is at stake. Yet, investing in defense, documentation, zealous representation and advocacy does not leave resources of time or money for parenting. Children can't be put on a shelf while Mom and Dad fight it out. As difficult as it is, at least one parent needs to focus on the immediate daily needs and routines of the child or the outcome will be defeat for the little ones, regardless of which parent "wins."

You chose each other to co-create a child. The history and the details of your personal choice are matters for you to explore and understand, not stories to be used to injure, exploit, and harm your child.

Here is a list of "don'ts" for you, if you are the parent who is serious about protecting your child and truly placing your child's needs above the competition and battle between you and your coparent:

Don't say negative things to your children about your coparent.
Don't interfere with or limit your child's time with your coparent.
Don't block phone messages, letters, cards, or gifts from your coparent.
Don't make it difficult for your child to reach and communicate with your coparent.
Don't express displeasure when your child talks about or shows pictures of time with your coparent. Don't detach from your child when he shows affection for or says positive things about your coparent.
Don't say or imply that your coparent doesn't love your child.
Don't create situations that pressure your child to reject your coparent or to choose you instead.
Don't say things to make your child feel unsafe or insecure with your coparent.
Don't confide in your child about adult matters that your child shouldn't know, like marital concerns or financial disputes.
Don't ask your child to spy on or secretly obtain information about your coparent and report back to you.
Don't ask your child to keep secrets from your coparent about things your coparent should have been informed about.
Don't refer to your coparent by their first name or by a formal address and their last name (e.g. Ms Smith) when talking to your child.
Don't refer to your new partner or spouse as Mom or Dad and expect your child to do the same.
Don't pressure your child to rely only on your opinion and approval.
Don't encourage your child to disregard or think less of your coparent's rules, values, and authority.
Don't make it hard for your child or make your child feel bad about spending time with your coparent's extended family.
Don't create situations in which your child will be angry with or hurt by your coparent.

Many parents who read this list find themselves repeatedly saying or thinking "But..." "But..." "But..." That is the nature of an adversarial/accusatorial system of problem resolution. When you find yourself defending and reacting, take a deep breath and shift your focus and energy to your child!

Focus on being positive, taking the high road, and being fully present to love and nurture your child when you are with them.

Coparenting Means Parents Supporting Each Other for the Good of the Child

Many parents give no thought to coparenting until they separate. This is unfortunate because coparenting actively begins around the time that discussions about conception of a child begin or, at the latest, immediately after conception. Parents make a multitude of decisions on behalf of the in-utero child from the basics of health and nutrition to the more advanced idea of implementing the findings from research on music and language exposure during gestation. For parents who complete marriage preparation classes, coparenting discussions may begin long before the parents even marry. The basic question each member of a couple needs to answer and share with his or her partner is "How will I support you in becoming a parent?" Once the child is born and begins to grow and develop, the question changes slightly to "How will I support you in becoming a better parent?"

The  concept of coparenting mutual support is particularly important because we know from the research that coparenting problems at 2 years of age can predict 7-year-old childrens' psychological problems, including somatic (body) complaints (my tummy hurts), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactiviy Disorder (ADHD). These findings emerged from an examination of coparenting couples who were cooperative with one another versus competitive with one another, as well as couples where one coparent had a harsh style of discipline. The psychological problems in children occurred as a result of the competitive coparenting relationships, but not the cooperative coparenting, or those in which a parent was a harsh disciplinarian.

Successfully transitioning from married to divorced coparenting is complicated and challenging for any coparenting couple, but particularly so when the parents have had a competitive coparenting relationship. Simply put, these are parents who believe that he or she knows the best way to parent and has worked to prevail in decision making and active parenting by overriding, overwhelming, shaming, controlling, or simply ignoring their coparenting partner. The transition from 1 home to 2 homes is probably going to be painful for the children with poor outcomes in almost every life area, unless both parents learn to do three things.

First, focus on the children rather than him or herself or their competition, the other coparent. Second, regulate their emotional responses by learning to let go of divorce/separation anger as quickly as possible. And, third, choose carefully the battles about time and money rather just letting loose at every perceived opportunity.

For some people, these 3 important tasks/skills can be learned in a coparenting class. For others, some individual coaching and support may be more helpful. And for still others, typically those who have unhealed childhood traumas or devastating adult traumas, education combined with some personal therapy may be necessary. It is the responsibility of the parent to recognize and protect the vulnerability of the child rather than exploit it. Unfortunately, the competitive coparent will almost always exploit the child by actively engaging the child in the court battle and the adult issues.

If you find yourself coparenting with a competitive coparent, than find other social coparents in your circle of friends, family and community to provide kind, loving and nurturing adult models for your child. You can't change your child's legal coparent but you can certainly work actively to provide some health and balance sot that your child gets to have the experience of seeing parent-figures supporting each other for the good of the child.

Loving All of Your Child When You Hate the Other Parent

The other parent is in my child and my child is of his father as much as he is of me. I see it in his smile and the wrinkle of his nose. I hear it in his laugh and his distinctive voice. I marvel at the comfort of his extroversion that could have only come from his father. Today I have affection for all of these wonderful ways in which my son is like his father. But I struggled mightily in earlier years to find ways to love and nurture all of my son, and to support him becoming the young man he is today.

Asked if they love their child almost all parents would say "of course, I do! How could you even ask that question?" But in the world of divorce, broken families, custody battles and tension-filled co-parenting relationships, it is a question that needs to be asked slowly, thoughtfully and repeatedly to help parents overcome their denial about the direct damage done to a child who is raised by a parent who dislikes, mistrusts, or even hates half of who that child is.

Learning to love all of who your child is following the break-up of your relationship requires a strong commitment to developing a new set of parenting skills to protect your child over the long term from your adult emotions, judgments and disappointments.

Step 1 is learning to control your eye rolls, winks, sighs, hand signals, voice tone, whispered criticisms, and snide or sarcastic references to the other parent and his or her friends, family and values.

Step 2 is learning to communicate with the other parent ONLY about coparenting matters and doing so in a straightforward manner without hooks, barbs, innuendo, condescension or innuendo

Step 3 is finding a way to show basic respect for the other parent's contribution to your child's spirit, presence, personality, physicality, existence.

Step 4 is communicating that respect to your child in a manner that is genuine - children can tell when you are faking it.

Step 5 is skill development through practice-practice-practice.

Skills include a combination of:
1 noticing your emotional reactions/over-reactions,
2 restraining yourself,
3 talking your reactions over with other neutral adults,
4 learning when you need to initiate a communication
5 learning when you need to respond to a communication,
6 drafting and saving;
7 editing and saving;
8 editing and deleting OR editing and sending.
9 sending ONLY when you have determined that the response is appropriate and necessary,
10 limiting communication to 40 words or less and focused on just 1 topic, no more than 1 per day unless it is an urgent matter needing to be resolved in less than 24 hours.

Unless you truly have an "amicable" break-up, it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to a couple of years to sort all this out and begin to have some sense of competence about your coparenting. In the meantime, find some support from people who will help you be wise and mindful about your self care and the needs of your child.

Coparenting For Better or Worse

I return to a familiar theme today, coparenting for better or worse. I believe there is no such thing as neutral coparenting. If I am a co-parent, I have feelings about and towards my coparent, usually very strong feelings. If I try to make the claim that I am neutral...well...I am reminded of an old George Carlin bit where he addressed the topic of people who try to kid themselves: Old George would say that my claim to neutrality in a role that defies such a claim, means that I am either full of S**T or I am F****N Nuts!! I can say that about myself because there once was a time when I prided myself on being neutral in my role as coparent!

The rude awakening about this personal falsehood I tried so hard to believe came about when my 4 year old son essentially told me to knock it off. He said "STOP IT!!" and then told me that I "go away" every time he starts talking about his "Daddy!" I was shocked and very quickly realized that he was right. Who was I trying to kid, anyway? I thought that being mature meant that I needed to act as if I didn't have negative feelings and thoughts about my ex. My son got my attention that day and I changed my mindset. I worked very hard to become a good coparent, which I accomplished, and my life's work for many years has been supporting, teaching and encouraging other coparents to become the best coparent possible.

Coparenting is a critical aspect of all of our lives. All children are conceived by at least two parents. In the case of adoption, surrogacy, and other family constellations some start out with more than two. Research over the last 30 years has pushed and pulled family professionals toward the understanding that virtually all children will be coparented and virtually all families coparent. One of the most comprehensive texts on the topic is a book by James P. McHale and Kristin M. Lindahl called Coparenting: A Conceptual and Clinical Examination of Family Systems. For those of you interested in the research, I recommend it.

Children need a protective family structure and coparenting is especially important in providing the safety, security and continuity so critical to the child's healthy development. Coparents who compete with each other by trying to have the child become an ally with one parent against the other provide an unsafe family structure for the child.  The child is left with few options except: (1) to become a go-between, (2) to choose one parent over the other, or (3) withdraw from both parents at least in any genuine sense of connection. A coparent who tries to eliminate the competition by alienating or estranging the children from the other coparent risks alienating or estranging the child from parts of him or herself as the child struggles for a sense of identity in an unsafe and unbalanced family system.

If you can't respect and cooperate with your coparent, then shift your perspective and try respecting and cooperating with the part of your child that needs his or her own experience of that other parent in order to develop a strong, clear and autonomous sense of self in the world. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about the other coparent, try inserting your child's name and face instead. Cooperative coparenting is about valuing the needs of the child and respecting all of who your child is, not just the part that you contributed.

Navigating the aftermath of the break up of a family is difficult for everyone. At least the grown ups have tools and resources to find their way. The children do not. They are relying on us, the grown ups, to support them in finding their way.

What is Your Co-parenting Relationship Vision?

Cooperative means, at minimum, a cordial and respectful relationship - like the United States and Canada - those Canadians are just a little bit too nice to fully trust! Conflicted means one or both of you - at least some of the time - are reactive, controlling, and/or intrusive - like the relationship between Israel and Palestine. Parallel means there is a clear line of demarcation - like the line between North and South Korea - between the two homes with separate rules and little communication and no mutual cooperation. For those of you caught up in battle or stranded on the other side of the great divide, where you start and where you end up CAN be different. It requires one co-parent who is willing to be proactive, trust in the love the other parent has for the child, and share control of the situation. A personal example: My ex and I got through our divorce with the usual emotional bumps and bruises and were doing 'okay' within about six months in terms of the emotional, economic and community divorce aspects -- refers to Bohannan's Six Stations of Divorce, for those of you are interested. Our co-parenting divorce was a disaster. It was clear that we were not able to develop new patterns of childcare and living arrangements that adequately supported our child. So, I called my ex and made a proposal. Would he be willing to meet with me with a neutral third party knowledgeable about divorce, co-parenting and the needs of a 3 year old to help us make some positive changes? And, before he could say NO, would he be willing to find the neutral third party? He said yes. The director of our child's preschool was willing to sit down with us. We were able to negotiate a schedule and, most importantly, a process for co-parenting that worked well for the next 8 years. It broke down when he got engaged but that's another story not pertinent here. What matters is that our son had 8 years of calm, peace, respect, and routine because his Dad and I were able to care more about him than we did about our own sense of control. The deep-down, super-serious question you need to soul-searchingly ask yourself is "does my co-parent love OUR child?" And the second question . . . "Do I love OUR child?" Obviously not that simple because there is more to the question, ". . . enough to trust in that love for the sake of OUR child?" You are the only one who can make a difference in the co-parenting relationship. If you make the decision that the other parent is in charge, that you are helpless and powerless, that you have no responsibility, then you are teaching your child and modeling for your child what it means to you to be a parent, to be a grown-up, and to be a co-parent. What is your co-parenting relationship vision? Look at it from the eyes of your child, then answer that question. NOTE: There are grown-up issues that can block healthy adjustment, for some co-parents: domestic violence, substance abuse/addiction, mental illness. If you are in a relationship with these kinds of issues, then seek support and education and counseling to do the very best you can, whether you are the one with the problem or the one trying to co-parent with the person with the problem.

It Doesn't Necessarily Take Two...

Family law cases are often designated "High Conflict" because of repetitive litigation and a chronic state of seemingly high tension between the co-parents. Sometimes though, the tension exists within just one of the co-parents rather than between them. In these case, the unmitigated negativity in one of the parents gives the entire case/family the "feel" of a high conflict situation. Thus, one parent may continually be swept along in the tumultuous currents of emotion and tension generated solely by the other parent.

How do you know if this is happening to you? The Honorable Donna J. Martinson is a Judge in British Columbia who advocates a change in the overall system to provide High Conflict cases and the children in them the attention they deserve. While Judge Martinson is focused on changes in the judicial approach, some of the ideas she raises are important for each coparent to seriously consider as well.

Sit down with someone who is mature, neutral, intelligent, AND uninvolved and talk with them about your answers to a series of questions. You will notice that these questions focus on your behavior, not the behavior of the other coparent. Be honest and answer these questions as directly and straightforwardly, factually, as possible without explanation or defense.

• Has your court case becomes the major focus of your life?
• Are you in battle mode most of the time?
• Do you blame the other parent, view the other parent with contempt, and see yourself as a victim?
• Do you want to control the other parent and control what happens when the child is with them?
• Are you focused on the past, using inflammatory, blaming language in affidavits and/or testimony
• Are the facts often distorted, either minimized or exaggerated, and your anger palpable?
• Are the children encouraged to support you in a number of ways including showing them court material, encouraging them to contact the court to support your position, and even bringing them to court?
• Have you recruited friends and relatives to join in the mudslinging?
• Do you attempt to delay the proceedings by changing lawyers or deciding late in the proceedings to be self-represented, filing last minute materials, coming late to court, or deliberately being unprepared?
• Are there highly charged, emotional proceedings in the courtroom, with allegations made, with your supporters gathered to cheer you on?
• Do you attempt to dominate the process and to treat the other person with contempt?
• Do you attempt to sabotage professional assessments or interventions by undermining the credibility of the professional(s) by unilaterally involving other professionals and by not cooperating or making accusations?
• Do you involve the police and/or child welfare authorities when there is no danger?
• Do you make unjustified complaints about the conduct of the professionals involved,including the opposing lawyer, the assessor, and the judge, to their professional disciplinary bodies?
• Do you try to involve the media in support of your "cause.”

If you find that you are engaging in these behaviors then you are probably a High Conflict person yourself. On the other hand, if you are the one getting hooked, overwhelmed and swept along, then get some help and support to ground yourself and find some equilibrium.

Each coparent can only control his or her own behavior with the child, with the court and toward the other coparent. So get the focus on yourself and your behavior and make the changes you need to disengage from the conflict. Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!

Self Care in the Midst of Chaos

Most of us have either given or received this advice: "you need to take care of yourself first or you are no good to anybody else!" Makes sense. It's good advice. The only problem? If someone is saying that to me, or I am saying that to someone else...it's probably obvious to everyone that there is a problem with self-care. After all, most of us tend to cycle through periods of adequate to great self care and periods of slips, relapses, indulgences, too-tired-to-care-about-much-of-anything!

Self-care is one of the greatest challenges of family break-up and family conflict. Self-care by the parents is one of the protective factors essential to the long term positive adjustment and well-being of the little ones. Children need to be cared for and protected from adult concerns to the greatest extent possible and that responsibility lies with the parents. Unfortunately, some parents care for themselves by placing the burden and responsibility for adult worries squarely on the shoulders of the children. Directly: "tell your Mom/Dad that I need the child support or I can't pay for your school pictures." Indirectly: "Oh, sweetie, I wish we could afford to do that, but your Mom/Dad isn't paying his/her child support so we just can't afford it."

We know that inter-parental hostility creates a negative home environment and results in children who experience stress, unhappiness, and feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. Research informs us that that parents who go through a high conflict family break-up are more likely to devalue the importance of the other parent in the life of the child and interfere with the other parent's relationship with the child. Research also informs us that an ongoing relationship with both parents serves a protective function and predicts a child's overall well being. In fact, several studies have found that children in joint custody situations fare better after divorce than children who are in sole custody situations.

Let's look more closely at inter-parental hostility and its affect on self-care and care for the other. It's perhaps the clearest example of a parent putting his or her own emotional needs far ahead of the needs of the child for warmth, care, nurturing, and protection. Hostile parents are stuck in an attitude of opposition, negativity, hatred and loathing toward the other parent and, therefore, toward important aspects of who his or her child is! Hostile parents are not able to love, accept and nurture ALL of who the child is, but only a part. Hostility/negativity as a stuck position for a coparent makes self-care an impossibility, which means that care for the child will be impaired long term and the child lives in a state of vulnerability and insecurity rather than stability and security.

For many parents who survive the earthquake of a family break-up, accepting personal responsibility for the quality of our life and that of our children moving forwards is the key to peace in the family and is at the core of self-care. This doesn't mean that all is forgiven but it definitely means that I take responsibility for my own choices on a daily basis and move toward my own healing and wholeness. Some parents are not able to make the changes needed to truly move forward; mental illness including trauma histories, substance abuse, poverty and other fundamental challenges interfere. The good news for the child is that a stable, loving, healthy parental relationship with just one of their parents can compensate for the impairments of the other parent.