Transitional Coparenting

Transition is a word we all know. It means that something in my life is changing and I am in-between what used-to-be and what is-to-come. It means I don’t know how long I will be in-between.
Stress is a word we also all know. And most people understand that there is helpful/positive stress, and hurtful/negative stress.

Some transitions are a normal part of life and there are social/cultural rituals that support those transitions and the people going through them:

1 Birth of a child and every single thing that child learns to do for years to come!
2 Child starting pre-school and each significant transition through the academic years!

3 Engagement and marriage

4 Death of parents and grand-parents

Some transitions are unplanned, unexpected, shocking, and traumatic. These are transitions that do not happen to everybody.

These are transitions accompanied by a sense of isolation, judgment by others or fear of that judgment.

Divorce, separation, the break-up of a family…this is one of those unexpected transitions that don’t happen to everybody.

This is a transition that changes everything in our lives. Just the logistics can be overwhelming.

1 Someone has to move.
2 The legal system gets involved.
3 Extended family and friends take sides.
4 The division of labor in the household no longer exists – both parents become single parents.

This list is endless and truly includes almost every single aspect of who we are in our home, in our families, and in our communities.
Regardless of the trigger, transitions have three basic components.

T rusting
R eal
A nxieties

The fears and worries you have a real. Others may want to minimize them, to reassure you. Find people who understand that this transition is going to last a long time and you need to be able to feel the fears that go with that.

N eeding
S pecific
I nformation

Seek information from many sources! Don't just take that referral for a go-for-the-throat family law attorney because you are feeling afraid. Take a deep breath and honor yourself and your children enough to do some research. Find out everything that is available. Don't stop exploring until you are sure you understand all of your choices.

T o
I dentify
O ur
N ext
S tep

Once you understand your choices, it's time to make a decision. 

Don't try to solve everything at once. Just make a decision about the next thing you absolutely need to address. If you can take it just one step at a time, you will be less likely to make mistakes that will add to your stress.

Transitional coparenting often begins long before the household breaks apart into 2 separate homes. Tension, fighting, betrayal, fear – these feelings are usually part of the coparenting relationship even before the parents live in 2 separate homes.

Bad habits, automatic actions and reactions are created before either parent is even aware that it is happening.

Very few families break apart easily. New hurts occur in the process and intensify the old ones. This happens to everyone in the family. Unfortunately, the focus is all too often on the experience of the grown-ups. The parents are so focused on each other that neither is really protecting the children. More likely, the parents are competing to look as if they are protecting the children.

Sadly, both parents are probably focused on protecting the children from the other parent and not focused on protecting the children from the trauma of the parents not being friends anymore.

Transitional coparenting means:
1 keeping your own feelings about the other parent to yourself.
2 never saying anything negative about the other parent to or in front of the children.
3 reassuring children that both parents will always love them.
4 explaining that both parents have figured out that they just can’t live together anymore and it has nothing to do with the children.
5 saying “mommy” or “daddy” when referring to the other parent
6 communicating only about the children if the email or text is focused on coparenting
7 asking for support and change, rather than making demands
8 honoring the choices you made for the sake of your children.

Transitional coparenting is hard work. There will be many times when you want to explode or scream or rant in pain, hurt, or anger. You will have to delay, restrain yourself, and wait until the children have gone to bed or gone to be with the other parent.

Transitional coparenting means taking advantage of every moment you have when the children are not present, to take a deep breath and feel all the feelings about your marriage, your life, that other person who hurt or disappointed you.

Transitional coparenting means preparing for reuniting with your children every single time they come back. You want to be ready for them, welcoming, and as emotionally clear as you possibly can be.

You chose to create a child with the other parent…don’t hurt your child by letting them know that you have changed your mind. Reassure your child every day in every way that you love him or her just the way they are. Cherish the wonder of the child you and the other parent created and find ways to cherish the ways that child is like the other parent.

If you reject the other parent, you reject your child.

Find a support group for Moms or Dads of 2-home children. Start therapy. Take a coparenting class. Take a parenting class.

Bottom line: The transition of restructuring a family from 1 home to 2 homes takes a long time. And you are in this for the long haul, right?

Take care of yourself in some way every day, or you will not be able to take care of your children.

Questioning Children in Supervised Visitation: Guidance for Moms and Dads

Supervised visitation can be a challenge in a number of ways. One of those is figuring out what questions are okay to ask your child and which ones need to be avoided.

The purpose of supervised visitation to to ensure that the parent-child relationship is safe and protected and as nurturing as possible for the child.

Part of protecting the child is making sure they are not put in the position of feeling caught in the middle in any way between the two parents!

Questions should be asked in a way that does not limit the Child’s response to giving only specific information OR require the Child to provide details about the other parent's life/home!

Some of the examples below are based on the parent already having information about the child.

OKAY (general & child-oriented)
How is school?
What is your favorite subject?
Did you have a good week?
Are those new shoes? They look really nice!
Did you have a nice vacation?
Did you get a haircut?
Have you had lunch yet? If not, let's eat together.
Did your doctor’s appointment go ok?
Did you have fun with your friends at school today? (On a school night)

NOT OKAY (specific & detail-oriented)
Where do you go to school?
What is your teacher’s name?
Who brought you to the visit?
Are those new shoes? Who gave you those shoes?Where did you go on vacation? Who went? How did you travel?
Who cut your hair?
Have you had lunch yet? When and where did you eat lunch?
What doctor did you go to?Who are your friends at school?

Children in supervised visitaiton can initiate any topic they want, including information they should not give!!

If the other parent has sole legal custody, do not allow the Child to give any details about school, dentist, doctor, coaches, troop leaders, teachers, etc. even if the Child is the one initiating.

Either the parent or the Supervisor should gently but quickly interrupt the Child to prevent the disclosure. If Child discloses info, the Supervisor will write a note to the other parent about it and pass it at end of visit. This is done to protect everyone in the situation.

By the way, it is equally important that the child not be grilled with questions by the other parent once the supervised visitation is over. Children need to be greeted with a warm smile, hug and an invitation to reconnect and move on with the day.

High Conflict Coparenting

High Conflict Coparents become locked in conflict that significantly impairs the child and his or her development. The adversarial system contributes to conflict. One or both parents may have a personality disorder.

Once two parents become actively engaged in conflict with each other, it is certain that the child is living in an environment of hostility, revenge-seeking, and emotional reactivity.

The adversarial legal system is where high conflict coparenting begins for many parents. There is a winner and a loser, and it’s a Winner-Takes-All system, all too often. Sole custody has been shown to create conflict and to exacerbate conflict. Limiting a parents involvement in a child’s life increases hostility between the parents. And research has demonstrated that conflict between parents increases in sole custody arrangements.

Research has also demonstrated that the conflict decreases over time with a shared custody arrangement. This makes sense. If loss of a child is not at issue, fear and anxiety and anger and conflict will go down.

The personality of the parent plays a significant role in many High Conflict Coparenting relationships. Parents who have significant deficits in the development of healthy narcissism during his or her own childhood will not cope well with the challenges of the adversarial court system. These are people more likely to experience failed relationships so, of course, they are more likely to end up in a family break-up.

Parents who were raised with unhealthy narcissism are not able to feel good about him or herself unless there is an overall negative approach to relationships, both with one’s self and with others. Healthy narcissism is at the heart of normal self-esteem, positive feelings, appropriate self-regulation, and the positive investment in good relationships.

The combination of an adversarial approach to resolving family tensions and parental deficits in the area of healthy narcissism prove to be deadly for the children. The children in these High Conflict Coparenting relationships become collateral damage as the parents engage in mutual self-destruction using each other and their little ones as weapons.

There is an assumption, based on decades of research, that shared parenting is in the best interest of the child. Most family law cases will eventually reach that goal. Some will not, and some should not. If a parent is unable or unwilling to even try to understand that a child cannot grow up healthy when a parent literally hates half of who that child is, and is intent on destroying that half of the child, the parent needs to be removed from the child’s life.

Fortunately, most parents love for their child is larger, deeper, greater, than their hatred for the other parent. Over time, most parents learn how to put the child’s need for wholeness and healthy self-esteem above the need of the parent to be right, to be the best, to be the winner – no matter the cost.

Parents are often shocked to discover that they can be removed from their child’s life as a result of accusations made in open court without any presentation of evidence – at least not Law & Order or CSI evidence.

Most parents come to family court expecting American-style justice:

1 Innocent until proven guilty

2 Systemic commitment to justice for litigants

3 Ability to face the accuser

4 Beyond a shadow of the doubt

Coparenting decisions in family court are made based on some basic considerations:

1 Best interest of the child - laws are crafted to protect the child, not the parent

2 Shared parenting - preference will be given to the parent who demonstrates the ability to share the child

It can be impossible to find a peaceful resolution to a family conflict when litigation in open court occurs. The family will never know what post-break-up life could be like if the war had not occurred. Some parents will get there as they move through the process. Some will not.

If parents are still as emotional and reactive at 1 year, post-break-up as they were at the beginning, it’s safe to assume that 1 or both of them are actively engaged in High Conflict Coparenting. It does not mean they are both doing it. It does not mean it is mutual. It may be, but it is very difficult to coparent with a High Conflict Personality.

We need to make a distinction between High Conflict Coparenting - both parents are initiating the conflict and coparenting with a High Conflict Personality - one parent is initiating the conflict and the other parent is reacting and managing the conflict poorly.

There are hallmarks of the High Conflict relationship:
1 Using the child as a weapon, a messenger, a companion, a best friend

2 Hostility, mistrust, blaming, anger, dishonesty

3 Rules and expectations that are competitive, confusing and create chaos between the two homes

4 Scheduling and exchanges are chaotic and unpredictable

5 Power struggles occur in almost every point of contact between the two homes: clothes, haircuts, tooth brushing, diet, backpacks, toys, trimming of the finger and toe nails, cleanliness of the ears and hair, strip-down searches for any mark of any kind on the body of the child, and on and on and on and on

6 Parents focus on manipulating the child rather than nurturing the child

7 The child is torn, insecure, caught in the middle, anxious/withdrawn, sad/angry, acting out, focused on the parents

If you or someone you care about is in the midst of a High Conflict Coparenting relationship, do something, say something, take action. There are resources for these families in every community. It is possible to intervene and help all of the family members.

The child only has so much resilience. There is a limit. Once that limit has been reached, the results for the child are devastating for a lifetime.

Parallel Coparenting

Parallel coparenting is a model where the two homes -- just like parallel lines -- do not intersect. The only intersection is the child moving back and forth between the two homes.

This model is beneficial to a child when the unresolved differences between the two parents create chronic tension for the child or when the conflict flares in front of the child.

The goal of this model is to reduce the chronic psychological and emotional tension for the child (also known as child abuse) and to eliminate exposure to parental conflict (also known as Inter-Personal Violence (IPV)).

Some people object to the use of the words child abuse and violence because they believe that only the use of physical force to inflict pain should be called abusive or violent.

Child abuse includes any form of deliberate and/or ongoing infliction of psychological or emotional pain. For over two decades, researchers have documented the radical impairments that occur in the brain development of children who live with chronic hostile psychological and emotional abuse.

Parents must get the child out of the middle when contact between the two parents is hostile, whether that hatred and hostility is silent and cold, or loud and hot.

Parallel coparenting is the model that will protect the child caught in the middle. This model allows the child to experience calm, a sense of relief, and the ability to use his or her energy for being a child: exploring, experiencing, learning, growing, and just being a kid.

Unresolved differences occur for many reasons but here are some examples.
1 Unplanned pregnancy
Parents had a brief or superficial relationship when the child was conceived. Not only do the parents have nothing in common, they actually hold radically different world views and beliefs about people.

2 Deceit
Sometimes parents have led a double life with their intimate partner during a relationship. Depending on many factors, that deceit may have inflicted such a deep wound that healing is very difficult.

3 Domestic Violence (DV) / Substance Abuse (SA) / Mental Illness (MI)
When there is a specific pattern and problem which has led to the break-up of the family, the restructuring process can take anywhere form 18 months to 3 years. DV, SA, and MI are three such situations. Children cannot be exposed to the high emotion of parents with this kind of history. It’s just too much pressure for the child.

There are many other situations where parallel coparenting is the best choice, sometimes for a period of time that allows cooling down, healing and moving on. For some families, this model will be long term.

Parents who practice this model rarely have communication between the homes. Both parents take equal responsibility to be on time and at the right place for pick-ups and drop-offs. Parents only make direct contact in an emergency situation so there is no uncertainty about the nature of or reason for the contact.

Specific and non-negotiable parenting plans work best for these families.

Contact between the two homes is via email or Our Family Wizard (OFW) or Talking Parents. Communications are direct, brief and respectful. All communication is child-focused.
Parallel Coparents have separate and clear rules in each house. Children cope extremely well when they know what to expect.

Both parents take equal responsibility for clarity in their own home and neither parent disparages the rules in the other parent’s home.

Decision making is made in each home and conferring is rare. If there are shared expenses, parents establish a specific method to deal with that and do not deviate. Some parallel coparents attend all of the child’s appointments together, and some take turns.

Parallel coparents have clearly defined boundaries for transitions between the homes and for any joint activity that may occur with the child.

Facilitated coparenting meetings are the only way that Parallel Coparents engage. There is a clear agenda for the meeting and the facilitator manages the communication.

Parents who choose parallel coparenting are unable to achieve basic respect and cooperation, usually due to significant, unresolved relationship issues. They choose to parent the child separately in each home with very little contact with the other parent because they understand that the child needs peace and calm and permission to love both parents.

Cooperative Coparenting

Most parents eventually adopt a cooperative model of coparenting. Over time, they are both able to adapt to the dramatic restructuring of the family. They each learn to navigate the strong emotions, and slowly begin to move on with their lives. Each parent makes changes within him or herself, in direct response to the changes without.

Cooperative coparenting takes courage because it means taking risks and making yourself vulnerable. The other parent may not change, at least not right away. The other parent may take advantage. The other parent may exploit your openness.

But your children will see you change. Your children will see that you continue to be a good person even when you are treated poorly. Your children will see that you care about your own behavior, you take responsibility for your choices, and you try to make good choices.

Somebody has to have the courage to start. Parents who move from the anxiety and uncertainty of transitional coparenting to the calm and peace of cooperative take risks. They take those risks because their love for their children is bigger than their desire for revenge or holding onto resentments.

Motivation for change is unique to each person.

For some, it’s a matter of economy of resources – all of them! “I only have so much time, energy and money, and I don’t want to invest any of it in negativity.”

For others, it’s a matter of a change in perspective. “I need to take control of my life. I need to stop blaming and start taking responsibility.”

For still others, it’s the children. A day comes when a parent really sees or hears the hurt and pain that the adult conflict is causing in the child.

Making a choice to be cooperative begins a process that can change everything again.

The act of making a request instead of a demand creates uncertainty that can begin a positive change in the coparenting relationship.

Saying “yes” instead of “no” creates good will in the relationship.

Offering important coparenting information, without being asked or demanded or required, creates an opening to rebuild trust.

Apologizing for your bad behavior opens the possibility that you will be given the benefit of the doubt next time you make a mistake.

Cooperative coparents are able to have frequent and direct communication. They strive for uniform rules and expectations between the homes. They engage in joint decision-making and practice flexible scheduling between the homes for the child’s needs.

Cooperative coparents have informal meetings without the child present to make sure the lines of communication are open. Decisions are child-focused and parenting plans can be general and negotiable.

Cooperative coparents learn to achieve and maintain respect for each other.

Cooperative coparents appreciate the importance of the other parent for the well-being of the child.

Cooperative coparents value regular communication about the coparenting needs of the child because it makes the child feel loved, cared for, and secure in the world.

Parents don’t start out being cooperative coparents immediately after the break-up of the family. Some parents know they want that. Some parents know they will achieve it. But most parents gradually find their way to cooperative because something motivates them to make that choice.

Remember that cooperative coparenting is a choice. But some parents will not make that choice. They won’t make it because they cannot forgive and move on. Some parents try very hard to make that choice but find that some acts are unforgiveable. Some choices are hard to accept. The pain fades with time, but the act does damage.

Sometimes, there needs to be a period of parallel coparenting while time passes and the hurts heal. Tomorrow we’ll look more closely at the choice of parallel coparenting. Making the right choice at the right time is important because trying to be a cooperative coparent with a coparent who can only respond with conflict, can be detrimental to a child.

Back to School or Back to the Battlefield: Finding Peace and Healing for 2-Home Kids and Their Parents

August and September bring special days in the lives of children starting school for the first time or returning to school after a summer break. The emphasis here is on special days for the children!

Unfortunately, parents can easily take the pleasure and happiness out of these special days by placing the children in the middle of a coparenting conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1   But, sweetie, Mommy (Daddy) already bought you a back pack! 

2   Oh, no, what are we going to do! I invited your granny and grandpop to your first day of school and you know they don't get along with your dad's new wife (mom's new husband)! 

3   What?! Did you say that Mommy and Daddy Bob (Daddy and Mommy Sara) are coming to your first day of school, too? You only have one Dad (Mom) and that is me!

For those of you think that there is a gender which has ownership of guilt-tripping 2-home children, think again. After nearly 30 years working with family court moms and dads I can honestly say that I still hear and see moms AND dads do and say things that surprise and sometimes even shock me.

And for those of you who want to say that I am criticizing parents and defending the system or that I am a part of it, I understand you frustration. But what can I do? I ask myself that every day which is why I am writing this blog. 

I can't prevent damage done to children because parents are waiting for the system to protect their child. I can't prevent damage done to children because attorneys are required to be zealous advocates for their family court clients, most of whom are adults. I can't prevent damage done to children because parents wait too long to protect their children from family dysfunction: domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and violence. I can't prevent judges from making decisions that don't protect children, whether in the short term or the long term. 

This is what I can do. I can try to have a dialogue with coparents who know there must be a better way to coparent than always feeling defeated, or challenged, or angry, or competitive, or powerless. And there is. But it is hard work and takes commitment and lots of practice and lots of failures or at least near misses!

If you are stressed about your child's transition back to school, shift your focus. Put yourself in your child's shoes and figure out what this means to them. How does it feel to them when they are made responsible for your need to control and manage your anxiety about your coparent? Focus on your child, his or her needs from you, and keep your nose out of the other parent's business. Unless you need to call the police or CPS because your child has been injured physically or is in imminent danger of being injured physically, relax and reset your emotional and psychological boundaries. 

Anxiety interferes with empathy. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will behave in an egocentric manner that ignores your child and cuts him or her off from your support when they need you the most!

Focus on making your child's return to school fun and exciting with a focus on all the potential for discovery and pleasure in the coming months. Set aside your own fears and celebrate the joy of a child growing into new possibilities! If you can find a way to be positive or just respectful toward a coparent you have previously ignored or disrespected, then that would be awesome! 

If you can make just one step toward healing yourself at this time of important transition in the life of your family, then your child will flourish this year.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.

Coparenting For Better or Worse

I return to a familiar theme today, coparenting for better or worse. I believe there is no such thing as neutral coparenting. If I am a co-parent, I have feelings about and towards my coparent, usually very strong feelings. If I try to make the claim that I am neutral...well...I am reminded of an old George Carlin bit where he addressed the topic of people who try to kid themselves: Old George would say that my claim to neutrality in a role that defies such a claim, means that I am either full of S**T or I am F****N Nuts!! I can say that about myself because there once was a time when I prided myself on being neutral in my role as coparent!

The rude awakening about this personal falsehood I tried so hard to believe came about when my 4 year old son essentially told me to knock it off. He said "STOP IT!!" and then told me that I "go away" every time he starts talking about his "Daddy!" I was shocked and very quickly realized that he was right. Who was I trying to kid, anyway? I thought that being mature meant that I needed to act as if I didn't have negative feelings and thoughts about my ex. My son got my attention that day and I changed my mindset. I worked very hard to become a good coparent, which I accomplished, and my life's work for many years has been supporting, teaching and encouraging other coparents to become the best coparent possible.

Coparenting is a critical aspect of all of our lives. All children are conceived by at least two parents. In the case of adoption, surrogacy, and other family constellations some start out with more than two. Research over the last 30 years has pushed and pulled family professionals toward the understanding that virtually all children will be coparented and virtually all families coparent. One of the most comprehensive texts on the topic is a book by James P. McHale and Kristin M. Lindahl called Coparenting: A Conceptual and Clinical Examination of Family Systems. For those of you interested in the research, I recommend it.

Children need a protective family structure and coparenting is especially important in providing the safety, security and continuity so critical to the child's healthy development. Coparents who compete with each other by trying to have the child become an ally with one parent against the other provide an unsafe family structure for the child.  The child is left with few options except: (1) to become a go-between, (2) to choose one parent over the other, or (3) withdraw from both parents at least in any genuine sense of connection. A coparent who tries to eliminate the competition by alienating or estranging the children from the other coparent risks alienating or estranging the child from parts of him or herself as the child struggles for a sense of identity in an unsafe and unbalanced family system.

If you can't respect and cooperate with your coparent, then shift your perspective and try respecting and cooperating with the part of your child that needs his or her own experience of that other parent in order to develop a strong, clear and autonomous sense of self in the world. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about the other coparent, try inserting your child's name and face instead. Cooperative coparenting is about valuing the needs of the child and respecting all of who your child is, not just the part that you contributed.

Navigating the aftermath of the break up of a family is difficult for everyone. At least the grown ups have tools and resources to find their way. The children do not. They are relying on us, the grown ups, to support them in finding their way.

Parenting is Very Personal!

Parents love their children, and feel strongly about providing care and support to help them. Parents aren't neutral about their children. Yet parents who are sharing parenting responsibilities with a co-parent living in a different home, frequently rush to reassure themselves and other people "Oh, no, I don't ever say anything bad about my co-parent, I am neutral!!" Really? I don't believe it, because it's not believable. Try replacing the word "neutral" with one of its synonyms to understand how ingenuine the use of this word is: impartial, unbiased, unprejudiced, objective, disinterested, detached, impersonal, unemotional, indifferent, uncommitted...

Children end up with hurt feelings when parents don't support them. Children feel confused when parents ignore their interests and needs. Ask parents if they think it is important to listen to their children and to nurture their interests, and most parents would wonder why you would even ask such a question. They would say,"What do you think? Of course I think it's important. I love my child. How can you even ask that!?!?!"

Most parents intuitively know that children often need encouragement the most at times of transition, whether they are the little transitions of daily life like getting up, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and getting in the car with all the gear needed for the day -- or big transitions like the break-up of the family. The difference is that parents know how to cope with the ordinary transitions of daily life. Break-up of the family overwhelms the coping skills of everyone in the family.

Parents don't usually think of themselves as "co-parents" until the couple relationship ends, even though they may have years of co-parenting experience to draw on. And, like most of our life experience, some of it has been positive and helpful, and some of it has probably been more negative and unhelpful. Families break apart because the grown-ups have differences that can't be resolved. Inevitably some of those differences are in the area parenting and, unfortunately, one or both parents tend to paint the other parent as "the bad parent" and him or herself as "the good parent." As the Executive Director at Hannah's House, I have personally had the experience of a parent telling me they are "the good one."

My heart hurts when I hear these words or perceive this attitude/belief in a parent. I hurt because it is an impossibly painful situation for the child. It means the child is "half good" and "half bad." And, no, parents don't go to that next step because they just are not thinking about the whole child. In fact, that mom or dad isn't thinking about the child at all. They are focused on their own needs, feelings, and shaky identity with no regard for the child. It's not intentional and it will not last. At least it won't last for the vast majority of parents because sanity will return. But what damage is done to the child as the parent struggles to find a sense of equilibrium again?

Neutral just is not possible for a parent even under the very best of circumstances! And it is completely impossible when the parent is hurt and their dreams shattered. If you are a friend or family member of a parent striving to be "neutral" when really what they are is angry, frustrated, hurt, depressed and so on, then please speak up. Validate the pain and grief of loss that goes with the break-up of the family and support that parent in acknowledging and supporting ALL of who their child is, not just PART of the child. The way children end up with a facade, a false self, a loss of childhood spontaneity and pleasure, is through the neglect of their emotional and psychological well-being by the most important adults in their life: Mom and Dad.

So, please don't be neutral! Speak up, help, support, and be a friend. Be a thoughtful and loving family member. Suggest a co-parenting class, counseling or therapy, a support group, something to help Moms and Dads get the support and information they need to deal with one of the most difficult life transitions a person can navigate.

Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!

PG, PG-13 or R: Different Homes/Different Ratings

Your 10 year old comes home from her parenting time at Mom's House (or Dad's House) and excitedly tells you that she saw a new movie just released over the week-end. You know that it has an R-rating. You don’t allow your children to watch PG-13 movies, let alone R! What is your response? What do you consider in deciding what to say to her? Research has identified that ninety percent of R-rated films have depictions of drinking and some studies indicate that may be one reason that middle-schoolers who see the films are more vulnerable to early drinking. PG-13 movies often portray drinking, violence, sexual innuendo and other adult situations, so how do you decide whether or not to talk with your daughter about the movie content? While the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rates movies, they do it to inform consumers and assist them but they are not enforers. Ultimately, it is up to each person to decide what is and isn't acceptable.

For discussion purposes, the MPAA offers the following rating structure for movies:
* Rated G: General Audiences — All ages admitted
* Rated PG: Parental Guidance Suggested — Some material may not be suitable for children.
* Rated PG-13: Parents strongly cautioned
* Rated R: Restricted — Under 17 requires accompanying by a parent or adult guardian
* Rated NC-17: No one 17 and under admitted

Note that a common criticism of the rating structure is that sex is considered more objectionable than violence which results in excessive and extremely graphic violence being allowed in PG-13 movies. Consider that current research findings show a link between childrens' exposure to R-rated movies and early drinking, smoking, and both violent and sexual behavior. The research also suggests that children who see R-rated movies become more prone to sensation seeking and risk taking.

The reality is that children of all ages are sometimes exposed to subject matter and situations just as a part of life that may make some parents cringe. No matter how thoughtful and protective a parent may be, things happen in life that are unexpected and unplanned. That said, parents need to exercise control and provide guidance consistently when they can. And I don’t mean when the parent is rested and happy and content, etc. Not realistic. Parenting means being consistent, making tough calls, and tolerating discomfort with our children no matter how we are feeling.

So figure out what your values are and get clear about your rules in the areas of movies, television, games, and media in general. Then lay it out for your kids, engage in dialogue, enforce when necessary, and engage in dialogue again. Since no parent can protect a child 100% of the time, dialogue is critical if a parent is to have a meaningful impact in shaping their child’s values and behavior over time.

If you have at least a cordial coparenting relationship with the other parent then put this on the agenda for a coparenting meeting whether you do those by phone, email, or in person. Talk about your views and find out what the similarities and differences are. Where they vary, engage in dialogue. Don’t preach, belittle, or rant. Just talk. Share the basis for your views within your comfort zone in the coparenting relationship, but don't try or expect to change the other person’s point of view. Get clear about his or her values and rules and then you can respectfully disagree if that is the case. Each parent has the opportunity and the responsibility to teach children critical-thinking and self-assessment skills. That’s where you want to put your focus and your energy.

RESOLVED: I Will SHARE Children & DIVIDE Property

How's that for a New Year's resolution to start the new decade?!

Welcome to the Hannah's House Blog! This resolution blog is our first and we hope to see you here often. We will focus on issues of concern for 2 home kids...that is children who go back and forth between two homes, usually Mom's and Dad's. Our primary goal is to look at this from the perspective of the child. We will talk about all kinds of topics and situations and, hopefully, include ideas for children of all ages. So, on we go to our first blog, which is about sharing children and dividing property.

This time of year is always a challenge for 2 home kids going back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's house. Mom and Dad are fighting for THE HOLIDAY or EQUAL TIME or DAILY CONTACT and, if you ask the kids what they like...what they want...what they look forward to...? Honestly? It's probably going to be the presents/time in both homes, whatever Mom and Dad are doing. It's no fun when parents fight over you, compete for the #1 spot, and, in general, act like idiots. Kids don't really care when it happens, as long as it does and as long as it is close enough to count. They just don't want to go back to school next Monday with the dismal reality that the entire winter break was spent bouncing back and forth either metaphorically or physically between two supposed grown-ups acting like spoiled...oh...I dunno...children?

Some parents approach their 2 home kids as if they were dividing property or proceeds from the sale of property. Everyone would probably agree that the transfer of a deed probably is a big deal in terms of doing it on 12/31/09 VS 01/01/10. But not so much the case when you are talking about sharing a special family meal with your 2 home kid. Making sure it is EQUAL certainly is important when you are splitting money between 2 people who each have a claim to it, but sharing kid time with the other parent...come on...be generous...you can do it...you can let go of that 50/50 mentality just for a little while. Go ahead, put down the calculator or the chain saw or whatever you are using to get the kids divided exactly in two. By the way, whatever your timeshare/percentage is...let it go! (I know that if you don't have 50/50 that is exactly what some of you will focus on.)

And I know that some of you are saying right now..."but you don't understand! My situation is special! It's different for me!" The truth is, all families are different from one another. So you're right-you probably are special. And what matters is that each one of our children wants to be seen, heard, loved and accepted. The surroundings, the details, the circumstances are not what matters most to a child. It's the true presence, at every level, of a parent in the moment who can see, hear, love and accept. Try it. For the sake of your child, try it.

Your kids will thank you for the peace you create for everyone when you stop the battle. Take a deep breath and take the risk of just being with your children for whatever time you have. Don't fight it. Embrace what is, not what you wish for. Be thankful. Be loving. Just be...with your child. St Augustin got it right, "Peace in society depends on peace in the family." Let's do that for New Year's 2010. Let's be at peace in our family.