Parenting Means Saying "I'm Sorry"

Here is a summary of some great information on the importance of parents saying "I'm sorry" when they hurt a child's feelings.

If you want good communication with your child, if you want your child to open up to you, if you want to be that person your child turns to when they need to talk something over...make sure you say I'm sorry when social graces demands it.

'Sorry' doesn't heal children's hurt, but it mends relations

University of Virginia

Most adults know that a quick apology for a minor transgression, such as bumping into someone, helps maintain social harmony. The bumped-into person feels better, and so does the person who did the bumping. It's all part of the social norm.

But do apologies have this effect on children?

A new University of Virginia psychology study, published this week in the journal Social Development, shows that apologies are important even to children who are 6 or 7 years old, an age when they are undergoing dramatic and important changes in cognitive development - when they are moving from their preschool years to middle childhood and are building social skill foundations that will last a lifetime.

"What was surprising was that children who experienced a minor transgression and heard an apology felt just as bad as those who did not hear an apology," said Marissa Drell, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology at UVA and the study's lead author. "But those who heard the transgressor say, 'I'm sorry' actually shared more with that person later. The apology repaired the relationship even though it did not mitigate their hurt feelings."

Drell set up a situation where children were the victims of a minor accident. The children and an adult research assistant were asked to build towers out of plastic cups. As the child neared completion of his or her tower, the adult asked to borrow a cup from the child, and in so doing toppled the child's tower. She either apologized or said nothing, and then left the room.

Later, when children were asked how they felt, those who received an apology reported feeling just as bad as those who did not. But when deciding how many stickers to give to the research assistant, those who heard an apology were more generous.

"Even though an apology didn't make children feel better, it did help to facilitate forgiveness," Drell said. "They seem to have recognized it as a signal that the transgressor felt bad about what she had done and may have been implicitly promising not to do it again."

There was one form of amends that resulted in an even better outcome: Children who had their towers knocked over and then received the transgressor's help in partially rebuilding it both felt better and shared more with her.

"Restitution - some sort of active effort to make repairs after a transgression - can make the victim feel better because it may undo some of the harm, and it can repair the relationship by showing the transgressor's commitment to it," Drell said.

The paper, Drell, M.B., Jaswal, V.K. (2015), Making amends: Children's expectations about and responses to apologies, Social Development, doi: 10.1111/sode.12168, is available here.

Self Control and Self Soothing

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Transitional Coparenting

Transition is a word we all know. It means that something in my life is changing and I am in-between what used-to-be and what is-to-come. It means I don’t know how long I will be in-between.

Stress is a word we also all know. And most people understand that there is helpful/positive stress, and hurtful/negative stress.

Some transitions are a normal part of life and there are social/cultural rituals that support those transitions and the people going through them:

1 Birth of a child and every single thing that child learns to do for years to come!

2 Child starting pre-school and each significant transition through the academic years!
3 Engagement and marriage

4 Death of parents and grand-parents

Some transitions are unplanned, unexpected, shocking, and traumatic. These are transitions that do not happen to everybody.

These are transitions accompanied by a sense of isolation, judgment by others or fear of that judgment.

Divorce, separation, the break-up of a family…this is one of those unexpected transitions that don’t happen to everybody.

This is a transition that changes everything in our lives. Just the logistics can be overwhelming.

1 Someone has to move.

2 The legal system gets involved.

3 Extended family and friends take sides.

4 The division of labor in the household no longer exists – both parents become single parents.

This list is endless and truly includes almost every single aspect of who we are in our home, in our families, and in our communities.

Regardless of the trigger, transitions have three basic components.

T rusting
R eal
A nxieties

The fears and worries you have a real. Others may want to minimize them, to reassure you. Find people who understand that this transition is going to last a long time and you need to be able to feel the fears that go with that.

N eeding
S pecific
I nformation

Seek information from many sources! Don't just take that referral for a go-for-the-throat family law attorney because you are feeling afraid. Take a deep breath and honor yourself and your children enough to do some research. Find out everything that is available. Don't stop exploring until you are sure you understand all of your choices.

T o
I dentify
O ur
N ext
S tep

Once you understand your choices, it's time to make a decision. Don't try to solve everything at once. Just make a decision about the next thing you absolutely need to address. If you can take it just one step at a time, you will be less likely to make mistakes that will add to your stress.

Transitional coparenting often begins long before the household breaks apart into 2 separate homes. Tension, fighting, betrayal, fear – these feelings are usually part of the coparenting relationship even before the parents live in 2 separate homes.

Bad habits, automatic actions and reactions are created before either parent is even aware that it is happening.

Very few families break apart easily. New hurts occur in the process and intensify the old ones. This happens to everyone in the family. Unfortunately, the focus is all too often on the experience of the grown-ups. The parents are so focused on each other that neither is really protecting the children. More likely, the parents are competing to look as if they are protecting the children.

Sadly, both parents are probably focused on protecting the children from the other parent and not focused on protecting the children from the trauma of the parents not being friends anymore.

Transitional coparenting means:

1 keeping your own feelings about the other parent to yourself.

2 never saying anything negative about the other parent to or in front of the children.

3 reassuring children that both parents will always love them.

4 explaining that both parents have figured out that they just can’t live together anymore and it has nothing to do with the children.

5 saying “mommy” or “daddy” when referring to the other parent

6 communicating only about the children if the email or text is focused on coparenting

7 asking for support and change, rather than making demands

8 honoring the choices you made for the sake of your children.

Transitional coparenting is hard work. There will be many times when you want to explode or scream or rant in pain, hurt, or anger. You will have to delay, restrain yourself, and wait until the children have gone to bed or gone to be with the other parent.

Transitional coparenting means taking advantage of every moment you have when the children are not present, to take a deep breath and feel all the feelings about your marriage, your life, that other person who hurt or disappointed you.

Transitional coparenting means preparing for reuniting with your children every single time they come back. You want to be ready for them, welcoming, and as emotionally clear as you possibly can be.

You chose to create a child with the other parent…don’t hurt your child by letting them know that you have changed your mind. Reassure your child every day in every way that you love him or her just the way they are. Cherish the wonder of the child you and the other parent created and find ways to cherish the ways that child is like the other parent.

If you reject the other parent, you reject your child.

Find a support group for Moms or Dads of 2-home children. Start therapy. Take a coparenting class. Take a parenting class.

Bottom line: The transition of restructuring a family from 1 home to 2 homes takes a long time. And you are in this for the long haul, right?

Take care of yourself in some way every day, or you will not be able to take care of your children.

Teach Our Children Well

Parents are the first and most important teachers of social and emotional learning for children. Like it or not, we are heavily influenced in our love maps and social imprinting by our Moms and Dads. It is the reason that we end up 'marrying' our mother or father, metaphorically speaking. It is the reason that we almost all reach a point in our lives where we say..."OMG! I sound just like my mother/father!" It's also the reason that one of my favorite magnets is "If it's not one thing, it's your mother..."  :-)

Parents cannot be neutral influences in our lives because they are quite literally half of who we are. So an absent or impaired mother or father has just as much influence as an active and engaged one, although quite different in the way we are shaped.

We know from research and practical experience that the best learning for all of us emerges in the context of supportive and nurturing relationships that make learning challenging, engaging and meaningful. Social and emotional learning is the process by which we acquire and apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions.

That is a tall order for any parent and chronic stress increases the challenge.  Family court involvement is often an unexpectedly long and complicated part of our lives, filled with uncertainty, anxiety and loss. There is no way that a parent, no matter how loving and committed, can possibly attend to the social and emotional needs of a child without help from others during a prolonged family court dispute.

We can learn to teach our children well even under great stress and emotional pressure, if we are taking care of our adult needs and attending to our own need for information and support. Transitions are difficult, even when they are positive. Life happens to everyone and family court is certainly not a part of life for everyone. But transition is a part of life that everyone shares. Uncertainty, anxiety and loss are part of the territory of the transition landscape. And there are resources in almost every community that assist people with all kinds of life transitions.

If you and your children are in transition, look for the resources in your local community involved in family court support. Possible sources of information are United Way, county Health and Human Service Departments, and your local nonprofit Foundation which is usually a great resource for nonprofit mission information.  Find the nonprofit organizations serving the needs of family court involved parents and children.

There is help available if you reach out for support. In San Diego, Hannah's House and Transitions Family Program are great resources and can also make referrals for other needs you may have. Our Family Resource Center is in development and we hope to be able to eventually offer resource information for family court involved parents and children locally, regionally and nationally.

Our children are watching and listening and learning from us every day. They absorb our lessons about social and emotional values in every moment we spend with them. Whatever we do, they learn from it. Whatever we say, they take in. I believe that parents who are in transition have an obligation to their children to recognize the need for help and support and reach out. That ability to recognize the truth of our situation requires self-honesty and courage. And those are lessons we want our children to learn - self-honesty and courage.

Back to School or Back to the Battlefield: Finding Peace and Healing for 2-Home Kids and Their Parents

August and September bring special days in the lives of children starting school for the first time or returning to school after a summer break. The emphasis here is on special days for the children!

Unfortunately, parents can easily take the pleasure and happiness out of these special days by placing the children in the middle of a coparenting conflict.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1   But, sweetie, Mommy (Daddy) already bought you a back pack! 

2   Oh, no, what are we going to do! I invited your granny and grandpop to your first day of school and you know they don't get along with your dad's new wife (mom's new husband)! 

3   What?! Did you say that Mommy and Daddy Bob (Daddy and Mommy Sara) are coming to your first day of school, too? You only have one Dad (Mom) and that is me!

For those of you think that there is a gender which has ownership of guilt-tripping 2-home children, think again. After nearly 30 years working with family court moms and dads I can honestly say that I still hear and see moms AND dads do and say things that surprise and sometimes even shock me.

And for those of you who want to say that I am criticizing parents and defending the system or that I am a part of it, I understand you frustration. But what can I do? I ask myself that every day which is why I am writing this blog. 

I can't prevent damage done to children because parents are waiting for the system to protect their child. I can't prevent damage done to children because attorneys are required to be zealous advocates for their family court clients, most of whom are adults. I can't prevent damage done to children because parents wait too long to protect their children from family dysfunction: domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, physical abuse, emotional and psychological abuse and violence. I can't prevent judges from making decisions that don't protect children, whether in the short term or the long term. 

This is what I can do. I can try to have a dialogue with coparents who know there must be a better way to coparent than always feeling defeated, or challenged, or angry, or competitive, or powerless. And there is. But it is hard work and takes commitment and lots of practice and lots of failures or at least near misses!

If you are stressed about your child's transition back to school, shift your focus. Put yourself in your child's shoes and figure out what this means to them. How does it feel to them when they are made responsible for your need to control and manage your anxiety about your coparent? Focus on your child, his or her needs from you, and keep your nose out of the other parent's business. Unless you need to call the police or CPS because your child has been injured physically or is in imminent danger of being injured physically, relax and reset your emotional and psychological boundaries. 

Anxiety interferes with empathy. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will behave in an egocentric manner that ignores your child and cuts him or her off from your support when they need you the most!

Focus on making your child's return to school fun and exciting with a focus on all the potential for discovery and pleasure in the coming months. Set aside your own fears and celebrate the joy of a child growing into new possibilities! If you can find a way to be positive or just respectful toward a coparent you have previously ignored or disrespected, then that would be awesome! 

If you can make just one step toward healing yourself at this time of important transition in the life of your family, then your child will flourish this year.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.

Family Break-Up: Healthy Alliances or Unhealthy Allegiances?

Most coparents have either heard or read about the problems children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce. Some children feel caught in the middle of the conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one. Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child. Some parents, most unintentionally, exploit the child's vulnerability at this crucial time.

A parent who is adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will.

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you.

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility.

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore.

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy alliances for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who is not adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly try to exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me to be alone.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this kind of life. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy allegiance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent. The message is clear that the only choice available is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy alliances for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create unhealthy allegiance for the child in only one home, which engenders loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!