I Will Not Lie to My Child!

This phrase -- "I will not lie to my child" -- is sometimes stated with great emphasis, an air of moral outrage or moral superiority, and disdain that it even needs to be verbalized. The belief/value that underlies the phrase for the disdainful is a distortion of the truth, sometimes subtle, but more often exaggerated. The implication is that the person they are saying this too has just suggested this high crime. These parents are unlikely to be open to ideas for communicating about the family issues in a more child-friendly manner.

Sometimes the phrase is expressed with a question mark "...but I shouldn't lie to my child, should I?" These parents are just not sure how to handle questions their children ask and how much or how little information to give. They differ from the first group because they really want to be helpful and supportive and they are concerned about hurting their children in some way. They are open to new information and ideas.

Here is an example of a common experience that newly separated parents have when their children are suddenly living in 2 different homes instead of the same home. A father says that he always corrects his children when they refer to the family residence as "mommy's house." Dad explains that he wants to make sure the children are not operating with incorrect information so he tells them that the house actually still belongs to both Daddy and Mommy. And then he is surprised when the children ask why he doesn't live there anymore.

When I suggest that his children don't process information like little adults but rather with the brains/cognition of a child, he becomes upset. "Are you saying that my children don't deserve to know the truth!?!?" Of course I'm not, I say. I try to explain that I am just suggesting that he consider life from their point of view and not his own. I suggest that the children most likely think of the place where mom lives and sleeps as "mommy's house" and the place where dad lives and sleeps as "daddy's house."

He nods his head in agreement. "That's right, they do. I have explained that to them, too." This time I don't have to even ask for an explanation. He freely offers it: "when they referred to my apartment as 'daddy's house' I explained that Daddy isn't able to afford to live in a house like mommy does since daddy paid for mommy's house so daddy lives in what is called an apartment." This father is earnest and he deeply cares for his children. And, he isn't able to hear how confusing his message is because he's focused on his impulse to defend himself and make sure he gets credit for his hard work and efforts in the past.

So I use a simple example from a different life area. I asked him if he agrees with the practice of selling some magazines only to adults. I ask him if he would take his 4 and 6 year olds to an R-rated movie? Would he read a Stephen King novel to the children for a bedtime story? Like most adults, he would protect his children from these materials because the content is not appropriate for them. And he doesn't think of it as "lying." He thinks of it as common sense because obviously children should not be exposed to such adult topics, emotions, images and so on.

As we continue to talk, Dad begins to understand the similarity between the adult issues he is sharing freely with the children and the adult materials he would protect his children from. He begins to identify his own over-sharing of detail and the fact that he has been repeatedly giving his children information that they have not asked for and, equally important, he realizes that the details he has given them have not helped and in some cases have clearly been confusing or troubling to the children.

As he processes his situation from a different perspective, he is able to realize that he's feeling defensive and competitive with Mom, as if the children's love for him is based on the financial details of the marital relationship rather than the simple and wonderful reality that the children love him because he is their 'Daddy."

Friends and family members can be more of a liability then an asset during the break-up of the family because they are so emotionally invested. It's important for Mom and Dad to identify people within their support system who can listen with both caring and objectivity. Honest feedback delivered in a caring and supportive manner goes a long way in helping parents process one of the most challenging family situations any of us can face - the shattering of the dream of a happy family all living together and sharing a long, fulfilling together. The transition from that dream to a new dream is rarely easy for anyone.

Some basic guidelines can help. Don't talk about adult issues in front of the children. When you feel a sudden emotional reaction to something your child says, stifle your reaction and bite your tongue. Words once spoken can't be taken back and the impact cannot truly be undone. Make a commitment to yourself as a parent and to your children that you will make every effort every day to respond to difficult topics and not react.