Coparenting Means Parents Supporting Each Other for the Good of the Child

Many parents give no thought to coparenting until they separate. This is unfortunate because coparenting actively begins around the time that discussions about conception of a child begin or, at the latest, immediately after conception. Parents make a multitude of decisions on behalf of the in-utero child from the basics of health and nutrition to the more advanced idea of implementing the findings from research on music and language exposure during gestation. For parents who complete marriage preparation classes, coparenting discussions may begin long before the parents even marry. The basic question each member of a couple needs to answer and share with his or her partner is "How will I support you in becoming a parent?" Once the child is born and begins to grow and develop, the question changes slightly to "How will I support you in becoming a better parent?"

The  concept of coparenting mutual support is particularly important because we know from the research that coparenting problems at 2 years of age can predict 7-year-old childrens' psychological problems, including somatic (body) complaints (my tummy hurts), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactiviy Disorder (ADHD). These findings emerged from an examination of coparenting couples who were cooperative with one another versus competitive with one another, as well as couples where one coparent had a harsh style of discipline. The psychological problems in children occurred as a result of the competitive coparenting relationships, but not the cooperative coparenting, or those in which a parent was a harsh disciplinarian.

Successfully transitioning from married to divorced coparenting is complicated and challenging for any coparenting couple, but particularly so when the parents have had a competitive coparenting relationship. Simply put, these are parents who believe that he or she knows the best way to parent and has worked to prevail in decision making and active parenting by overriding, overwhelming, shaming, controlling, or simply ignoring their coparenting partner. The transition from 1 home to 2 homes is probably going to be painful for the children with poor outcomes in almost every life area, unless both parents learn to do three things.

First, focus on the children rather than him or herself or their competition, the other coparent. Second, regulate their emotional responses by learning to let go of divorce/separation anger as quickly as possible. And, third, choose carefully the battles about time and money rather just letting loose at every perceived opportunity.

For some people, these 3 important tasks/skills can be learned in a coparenting class. For others, some individual coaching and support may be more helpful. And for still others, typically those who have unhealed childhood traumas or devastating adult traumas, education combined with some personal therapy may be necessary. It is the responsibility of the parent to recognize and protect the vulnerability of the child rather than exploit it. Unfortunately, the competitive coparent will almost always exploit the child by actively engaging the child in the court battle and the adult issues.

If you find yourself coparenting with a competitive coparent, than find other social coparents in your circle of friends, family and community to provide kind, loving and nurturing adult models for your child. You can't change your child's legal coparent but you can certainly work actively to provide some health and balance sot that your child gets to have the experience of seeing parent-figures supporting each other for the good of the child.