Cooperative Coparenting

Most parents eventually adopt a cooperative model of coparenting. Over time, they are both able to adapt to the dramatic restructuring of the family. They each learn to navigate the strong emotions, and slowly begin to move on with their lives. Each parent makes changes within him or herself, in direct response to the changes without.

Cooperative coparenting takes courage because it means taking risks and making yourself vulnerable. The other parent may not change, at least not right away. The other parent may take advantage. The other parent may exploit your openness.

But your children will see you change. Your children will see that you continue to be a good person even when you are treated poorly. Your children will see that you care about your own behavior, you take responsibility for your choices, and you try to make good choices.

Somebody has to have the courage to start. Parents who move from the anxiety and uncertainty of transitional coparenting to the calm and peace of cooperative take risks. They take those risks because their love for their children is bigger than their desire for revenge or holding onto resentments.

Motivation for change is unique to each person.

For some, it’s a matter of economy of resources – all of them! “I only have so much time, energy and money, and I don’t want to invest any of it in negativity.”

For others, it’s a matter of a change in perspective. “I need to take control of my life. I need to stop blaming and start taking responsibility.”

For still others, it’s the children. A day comes when a parent really sees or hears the hurt and pain that the adult conflict is causing in the child.

Making a choice to be cooperative begins a process that can change everything again.

The act of making a request instead of a demand creates uncertainty that can begin a positive change in the coparenting relationship.

Saying “yes” instead of “no” creates good will in the relationship.

Offering important coparenting information, without being asked or demanded or required, creates an opening to rebuild trust.

Apologizing for your bad behavior opens the possibility that you will be given the benefit of the doubt next time you make a mistake.

Cooperative coparents are able to have frequent and direct communication. They strive for uniform rules and expectations between the homes. They engage in joint decision-making and practice flexible scheduling between the homes for the child’s needs.

Cooperative coparents have informal meetings without the child present to make sure the lines of communication are open. Decisions are child-focused and parenting plans can be general and negotiable.

Cooperative coparents learn to achieve and maintain respect for each other.

Cooperative coparents appreciate the importance of the other parent for the well-being of the child.

Cooperative coparents value regular communication about the coparenting needs of the child because it makes the child feel loved, cared for, and secure in the world.

Parents don’t start out being cooperative coparents immediately after the break-up of the family. Some parents know they want that. Some parents know they will achieve it. But most parents gradually find their way to cooperative because something motivates them to make that choice.

Remember that cooperative coparenting is a choice. But some parents will not make that choice. They won’t make it because they cannot forgive and move on. Some parents try very hard to make that choice but find that some acts are unforgiveable. Some choices are hard to accept. The pain fades with time, but the act does damage.

Sometimes, there needs to be a period of parallel coparenting while time passes and the hurts heal. Tomorrow we’ll look more closely at the choice of parallel coparenting. Making the right choice at the right time is important because trying to be a cooperative coparent with a coparent who can only respond with conflict, can be detrimental to a child.