More on Resilience

The research tells us that exposure to even chronic traumatic events, like an entrenched Family Court battle, does not have to predict a negative outcome! What predicts a negative outcome is how we think about and talk about the event(s). For a child, what predicts a negative outcome is how parents teach them to think about and talk about traumatic events.

In other words, resilience can be taught. We can learn how to be less negative, less emotionally reactive and extreme. The key is in what we tell ourselves -- and our children -- about experiences, emotions, and thoughts in response to a potentially traumatic event.

When we are children, first we feel, then we act, then we talk, then we think. As adults, first we feel, then we think, then we talk, then we act.

Parents teach children how to respond to stress and to the unexpected. For example, parents who rush to the aid of a child every time they fuss or cry, who make every fall, bump and bruise catastrophic will probably raise children who are not resilient. The child learns that discomfort means emergency. Discomfort means threat, danger, loss.

Parents who hear the fuss or cry, or see the fall - - and wait to see what happens next - - are more likely to raise a resilient child. Why?

The first parent rushes to the child, stress on their face and in their voice and exclaim: ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU HURT?

The second parent probably stays where they are, face calm, voice tone calm, waits a little bit, and says: You're okay. You're okay. You're fine.

The first parent has intervened in the child's own processing of the experience so quickly and with such intensity that the child probably didn't even have a chance to notice his or her own reaction to the event. Instead the child is likely to take on the parent's perception: I'm hurt, this is awful, I can't take care of myself, I'm not in control.

The second parent allows the child to have his or her own experience of the event. Hmmmm. What happened? How does that feel? Am I okay? Mom/Dad seems to think I'm fine. Am I fine? Huh! I guess I am okay. I can do this. This isn't so bad. I can figure this out.

In a difficult family break up and challenging family restructuring, parents have multiple opportunities to teach their children how to process chronic stress. Some high conflict coparenting struggles are so prolonged and intense that the child grows up in the equivalent of a war zone with armed conflict (intense verbal and sometimes physical battles between Mom and Dad) and IEDs (litigation maneuvers, CPS reports, disparaging declarations) as the back drop to life.

We cannot teach what we have not learned.

Parents must learn to frame adversity as a challenge, not as a disaster. Parents can then become more flexible, more likely to face the challenge, deal with it, learn from it, grow and move on with more skills and more depth and more understanding.

Risk and Resilience for Children During a Family Breakup

The stress of the initial separation is the first opportunity parents have to make good decisions about taking care of children. Parents tend to either tell their children too little or tell their children too much.

Telling children too little can lead to confusion, sadness, and depression. Telling children too much can lead to anger, fear, and acting out.

Parents usually tell their children too little because they have no idea what to say. Parents usually tell their children too much because the parents are so angry or hurt that they want the children to choose sides with them against the other parent.

How do you find the amount of information that is just right?

Here are the messages children need to hear:
1 Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together anymore.
2 We will each have our own home and you will live with both of us.
3 Mommy and Daddy will take good care of you.
4 Mommy and Daddy can still be friends but we need to live apart to be the very best parents we can be for you.
5 Mommy and Daddy will always love you.

If your children ask you a question and you don't know the answer, be honest. Tell them "I don't know, but Mommy and Daddy will figure it out and let you know as soon as we can."

If your children ask you a question that makes your blood pressure rise, or your heart break, tell them "that sounds like a really important question, sweetie, and I need some time to think about that. I will talk to you about that later."

Include your children as soon as you have made some decisions that are specific. Questions that need to be answered before you talk to your children?
Who is moving?
When is Mommy or Daddy moving out?
Will the children stay in the same school?
What will change and what will stay the same for the children?

If you are having fights in front of the children, then you are probably going to need to talk to them before all of those initial questions are answered. The problem is, if you are fighting in front of the children then you are already putting your children at risk. You probably know that you are hurting your children by fighting in front of them but you cannot stop yourself.

If you have already made mistakes or if you are afraid to talk to your children or you have no idea what to say, get some information. There are many great sources of information.

Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers consultation and coaching and classes for parents who need help talking to their children about these important issues. Talk to someone as soon as you can because your children will fare much better if they have some basic information to help them understand what is happening.

More on Risk and Resilience For Children Who Experience A Family Breakup

Some researchers on divorce and family breakup in high conflict families have looked at the question many parents ask. Is it better for the children if the parents separate? Or is it better for the children if the parents stay together?

The answer? Conflict and negativity harm children. Hostility and parental warmth are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. The hostility end of the parenting spectrum is devastating to children. The parental warmth end of the spectrum is as necessary as food and water for the health of a child.

Conflict between parents is harmful to children regardless of the living arrangements. It is estimated that between 20 and 25 percent of children experience high conflict during the marriage of their parents. Some parents are able to reduce conflict after the breakup of the family. Unfortunately, some parents are unable to reduce conflict.

Sometimes it is both parents who continue the war zone mentality of a battle to the death of the opponent. And sometimes it is only one parent who continues to compete for the win. And it only takes one parent to continue the hostility and conflict in the coparenting relationship. It only takes one parent to create an environment in the home that feels like a war zone: threatening, abusive, and quietly or loudly violent -- whether physical or verbal or emotional -- with a child feeling caught in the middle of the battle.

Researchers have found that parental warmth is the one parenting action/expression/attitude that can truly protect a child from adult conflict. Parental warmth only takes one parent. If either Mom or Dad can make that commitment to care for self, and focus on the children, then the potential for enough expressions of parental warmth are high!

When both parents are preoccupied or overwhelmed by emotional challenges and emotional reactivity related to the adult conflict then the outcome for the children will almost always be negative. Overwhelmed and preoccupied parents practice poor parenting because they use harsher discipline or ineffective discipline.

Your children deserve peace in at least one of their homes! Be the bigger person. Practice positive parenting and cooperative coparenting regardless of the other parent's choices. It only takes one parent to stop criticizing the other parent; to stop analyzing ways to win; to stop making money more important than peace; to start treating children like people instead of property; to start setting and maintaining healthy boundaries between Moms House and Dads House.

Even better if both Mom and Dad realize that a hostile family environment is destructive for everyone, but especially the children. Parents make choices. Parents are not forced to be angry or hostile or self-centered or self righteous.

If you are overwhelmed, negative, and able to admit it to yourself then get some support and help that is positive. If you are getting your support from people who cheer you on in the battle to win against your opponent, then you are choosing to treat your children as the collateral damage in a war that is more important than your family.

Conflict hurts children.

Peace nurtures children.

It's not mysterious.

Choose peace in your home.

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Risk and Resilience When Mom or Dad Place Litigation Concerns Above the Needs of the Child OR I Don't Want it Used Against Me!

Some parents keep the conflict in the family home going because they refuse to move out. They are concerned about the STATUS QUO in terms of parenting and property. So they stay in the family home, refusing to move, so that they can tell the judge "but your honor I was the one who took my child to the doctor last week!" Of course that parent is not going to tell the judge that, until last week, the parent didn't even know the name of the doctor.

Or the parent is focused on property "I don't want to be accused of abandoning the home because it will be used against me!"

There are laws in place to protect parents when they leave the home to reduce the conflict. The single most important protection you have is to reach out regularly and respectfully to request time with your children. That's it. Use email so there is a record for the court. Make your communication brief, clear, focused only on possible days and times, and do not judge, preach, chastise, or blend any adult concerns with coparenting needs.

Moms and Dads can set the tone for positive parenting and cooperative coparenting by the way they leave the home and the way they communicate about the children. Use email so there is a record of your approach to coparenting and a record of your efforts to stay connected to your children.

Don't try to make excuses about the status quo in order to justify your decision to continue to expose your children to hostility and conflict in the family.

Say yes whenever possible. If your coparent asks for financial assistance for activities, school, daycare, dental or medical care, or therapy/counseling, JUST SAY YES! Don't say no because you don't want it used against you. Put your child first and familiarize yourself with the laws about legal custody and best interest of the child.

Simply put...you can get a second job, you can make more money, you can figure out the financial challenges. You cannot go back and protect your child's physical, emotional, psychological, and neurological development. You have one chance every day to protect your child. You have one chance every day to affirm your child's need to have a relationship with both parents. You have one chance every day to take the high road and be a moral, ethical, and kind person.

The goal legally and morally is for parents to share equally in caring for their children. Assume your fair share and more if you need to because it is for you child and his or her safety and care, not for the comfort of you coparent.

Put your child first. If you are so intent on making your parenting decisions in the context of litigation there is absolutely no question that your child will suffer. Make your parenting decision in the context of parental responsibility to safeguard your child's right to have a childhood.

Protecting your child's right to a joyful and loving childhood is the most important responsibility a parent has.

Infant Care in a Family Breakup Situation

Infant Care Parenting Class at Transitions Family Program

Parenting is a challenging task for any parent. It's especially true when a parent has a new born and no experience with parenting.

When you add the stress and uncertainty of a custody/visitation dispute and family court involvement, the challenges for Mom, Dad, and the baby become overwhelming very quickly.

This class is designed to assist parents to address all the special concerns of the new parent with a very young infant to care for, and help them develop the strategies and skills necessary to get on track with infant parenting.

While this class can be a benefit to any new parent, our primary interest is in new parents who are integrating a new baby and a family breakup and/or custody/visitation issue.

What do infants need?

1 Both parents in their lives.

2 Opportunity to learn about themselves by exploring the world in collaboration with parents.

3 Parents who honor his or her contribution to the beauty of this new life.

4 Parents who embrace the responsibility to honor his or her choice to create that life.

5 A secure attachment to each parent, which is the single greatest protection a child can receive.

SESSION TOPICS
1 Health & Safety Basics of Infant Care

2 Developmental Stages & Tasks for Your Baby

3 Stress Management Tool Box for Parents - The Power of Parental Warmth

4 Answer to the question: “Is It Normal for My Baby To ...”

5 Understand Healthy Boundaries and Learn Techniques to Establish Positive Parenting Routines for You & Your Baby

6 Develop the Skills to Coparent Your Infant

Facilitated coparenting meetings are the final step in the infant class. Sometimes the other parent refuses to participate, and we will work to achieve at least one meeting.

Our goal is to help the parents come together with a focus on the child, not each other.

If you or a friend is in a situation like this, reach out today to learn more about the class and the facilitated coparenting meetings.

To get the conversation started, complete the online information form atwww.TransitionsFamilyProgram.org.

Email: TransitionsSD@gmail.com

Transitional Coparenting

Transition is a word we all know. It means that something in my life is changing and I am in-between what used-to-be and what is-to-come. It means I don’t know how long I will be in-between.
Stress is a word we also all know. And most people understand that there is helpful/positive stress, and hurtful/negative stress.

Some transitions are a normal part of life and there are social/cultural rituals that support those transitions and the people going through them:

1 Birth of a child and every single thing that child learns to do for years to come!
2 Child starting pre-school and each significant transition through the academic years!

3 Engagement and marriage

4 Death of parents and grand-parents

Some transitions are unplanned, unexpected, shocking, and traumatic. These are transitions that do not happen to everybody.

These are transitions accompanied by a sense of isolation, judgment by others or fear of that judgment.

Divorce, separation, the break-up of a family…this is one of those unexpected transitions that don’t happen to everybody.

This is a transition that changes everything in our lives. Just the logistics can be overwhelming.

1 Someone has to move.
2 The legal system gets involved.
3 Extended family and friends take sides.
4 The division of labor in the household no longer exists – both parents become single parents.

This list is endless and truly includes almost every single aspect of who we are in our home, in our families, and in our communities.
Regardless of the trigger, transitions have three basic components.

T rusting
R eal
A nxieties

The fears and worries you have a real. Others may want to minimize them, to reassure you. Find people who understand that this transition is going to last a long time and you need to be able to feel the fears that go with that.

N eeding
S pecific
I nformation

Seek information from many sources! Don't just take that referral for a go-for-the-throat family law attorney because you are feeling afraid. Take a deep breath and honor yourself and your children enough to do some research. Find out everything that is available. Don't stop exploring until you are sure you understand all of your choices.

T o
I dentify
O ur
N ext
S tep

Once you understand your choices, it's time to make a decision. 

Don't try to solve everything at once. Just make a decision about the next thing you absolutely need to address. If you can take it just one step at a time, you will be less likely to make mistakes that will add to your stress.

Transitional coparenting often begins long before the household breaks apart into 2 separate homes. Tension, fighting, betrayal, fear – these feelings are usually part of the coparenting relationship even before the parents live in 2 separate homes.

Bad habits, automatic actions and reactions are created before either parent is even aware that it is happening.

Very few families break apart easily. New hurts occur in the process and intensify the old ones. This happens to everyone in the family. Unfortunately, the focus is all too often on the experience of the grown-ups. The parents are so focused on each other that neither is really protecting the children. More likely, the parents are competing to look as if they are protecting the children.

Sadly, both parents are probably focused on protecting the children from the other parent and not focused on protecting the children from the trauma of the parents not being friends anymore.

Transitional coparenting means:
1 keeping your own feelings about the other parent to yourself.
2 never saying anything negative about the other parent to or in front of the children.
3 reassuring children that both parents will always love them.
4 explaining that both parents have figured out that they just can’t live together anymore and it has nothing to do with the children.
5 saying “mommy” or “daddy” when referring to the other parent
6 communicating only about the children if the email or text is focused on coparenting
7 asking for support and change, rather than making demands
8 honoring the choices you made for the sake of your children.

Transitional coparenting is hard work. There will be many times when you want to explode or scream or rant in pain, hurt, or anger. You will have to delay, restrain yourself, and wait until the children have gone to bed or gone to be with the other parent.

Transitional coparenting means taking advantage of every moment you have when the children are not present, to take a deep breath and feel all the feelings about your marriage, your life, that other person who hurt or disappointed you.

Transitional coparenting means preparing for reuniting with your children every single time they come back. You want to be ready for them, welcoming, and as emotionally clear as you possibly can be.

You chose to create a child with the other parent…don’t hurt your child by letting them know that you have changed your mind. Reassure your child every day in every way that you love him or her just the way they are. Cherish the wonder of the child you and the other parent created and find ways to cherish the ways that child is like the other parent.

If you reject the other parent, you reject your child.

Find a support group for Moms or Dads of 2-home children. Start therapy. Take a coparenting class. Take a parenting class.

Bottom line: The transition of restructuring a family from 1 home to 2 homes takes a long time. And you are in this for the long haul, right?

Take care of yourself in some way every day, or you will not be able to take care of your children.

Family Breakup and the Power of Parents: Healthy Bonds OR Unhealthy Alliances?

Most coparents are aware of the challenges children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce.

Some children feel caught in the middle of this conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one.

Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child.

Some parents, most unintentionally in moments of extreme emotion, exploit the child's vulnerability to meet the needs of the parent. These parents exploit their child because the adult does not recognize or does not respect the responsibility of the parent as the authority figure in the relationship.

Why? 

Parents have deficits. Things that did not go well for them when they were children. They may have had an overly permissive or an authoritarian parent. 

The permissive parent treats the child as if the s/he is an equal in the relationship, so the child receives no guidance, structure, or support for development. 

The authoritarian parent treats the child as if s/he is incompetent and incapable, so the child receives no opportunities to learn self-soothing and self-control.

The primary reason parents exploit their power over the child does not come from a deficit in loving. It comes from a deficit in the ability to parent.

A parent who IS adequately child-focused, and struggling to raise up a child who is feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will. Just go be a kid!

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you!

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility and it's a grown-up issue. Go play!

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore. Let us take care of that!

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy bonds for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  

The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who IS NOT adequately child-focused, and struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me when  you're not here.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy alliance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent.

The message is clear that the only choice available to this child is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy bonds for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create an unhealthy alliance with your child against the other parent/home, which reinforces loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!