Family Breakup and the Power of Parents: Healthy Bonds OR Unhealthy Alliances?

Most coparents are aware of the challenges children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce.

Some children feel caught in the middle of this conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one.

Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child.

Some parents, most unintentionally in moments of extreme emotion, exploit the child's vulnerability to meet the needs of the parent. These parents exploit their child because the adult does not recognize or does not respect the responsibility of the parent as the authority figure in the relationship.

Why? 

Parents have deficits. Things that did not go well for them when they were children. They may have had an overly permissive or an authoritarian parent. 

The permissive parent treats the child as if the s/he is an equal in the relationship, so the child receives no guidance, structure, or support for development. 

The authoritarian parent treats the child as if s/he is incompetent and incapable, so the child receives no opportunities to learn self-soothing and self-control.

The primary reason parents exploit their power over the child does not come from a deficit in loving. It comes from a deficit in the ability to parent.

A parent who IS adequately child-focused, and struggling to raise up a child who is feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will. Just go be a kid!

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you!

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility and it's a grown-up issue. Go play!

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore. Let us take care of that!

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy bonds for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  

The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who IS NOT adequately child-focused, and struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me when  you're not here.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy alliance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent.

The message is clear that the only choice available to this child is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy bonds for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create an unhealthy alliance with your child against the other parent/home, which reinforces loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!

Practical Meaning of Sole Legal Custody

SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY to....Mom....or....Dad....

Those words spoken by a family court judge are devastating to the parent who just lost their right to make decisions about critical aspects of a child's life:

Child care/preschool

Education: K-12

Medical health

Mental health

Dental health

Religious/spiritual education

Enrichment activities

The parent who loses legal custody will usually still have access to records about their child in each of the legal aspects. 

Sometimes the judge allows the non custodial parent to access records directly from providers, and sometimes the judge directs the custodial parent to provide the information. There are circumstances where the judge orders that the non custodial parent have no access to information about any legal aspect of the child's life.

It is important to know that an allegation of domestic violence is extremely serious. Such a finding may result in the judge dealing with records access in a more restrictive way because of concerns about health, safety, and welfare.

For example, if the judge finds that a parent has committed acts of domestic violence against the child, the other parent, or the child's siblings within the past five years the judge, by law, must presume that the parent who committed the domestic violence cannot have joint or sole legal or physical custody of a child.

Permanent restraining orders require special protections for a longer period for the child and the custodial parent. This is why legal custody cannot be granted in a case where domestic violence has resulted in such an order.

It is critical that non custodial parents understand their rights and responsibilities in the realm of legal custody. If the judge has granted you access to records, you have the right to directly contact providers to get the information.

However, if you contact a provider with an attitude of entitlement, making demands you will very likely end up losing your right to directly contact providers. And you should. That is where the word responsibility comes in.

You have a responsibility to behave appropriately with any provider who has a direct relationship with your child. Every word you say and the way you say it will effect your child's life. Take this responsibility seriously and prepare yourself for contact. Understand that the other parent will probably have let the provider know about the legal custody situation. Don't be surprised and hurt by that. You would do the same if you were the custodial parent.

When you contact a provider and discover that the provider does not understand that you can have access to records then politely ask the provider how they would like to receive a copy of the order so that the provider is confident they are complying with the law.

What if the custodial parent won't give you the information about the child's providers? If you don't have the information, you must get it from the custodial parent. That is the only choice. Especially if there is a restraining order. Any attempt on your part to investigate or interrogate will likely be experienced as harassing or stalking. Don't do it. Instead, use legal channels to get the information. 

If the custodial parent won't give you information about the providers in the life of your child, it can be very tempting to coax the information out of your child. Don't do that to your child. Legal custody is shared between adults and the child will feel the elicit nature of your inquiry even if the child isn't old enough to understand what you are trying to do. Don't put your child in the position of coparenting with you. Don't put your child in the position of telling you secrets. It is detrimental to the child and can damage that child's relationship with both parents. 

Your child can talk with you about anything. That is what most parents want! Treasure the openness and spontaneity of your child and treat them with respect. Don't take advantage. Don't exploit your child. 

If you are frustrated, feeling helpless and powerless because of your custody situation, reach out for support. It exists. You don't have to go it alone. You don't have to burn out your family and friends. A word of caution though. Some support offered to parents is divisive and has a goal of reinforcing the battle, the competition, and winning. If that's what you want, that will work for you but it is not a goal that is child-centered. 

If you want a positive future for your child, peace in your family, and a loving coexistence for your child between his or her two homes, then find support that is balanced and respectful of the needs of your child. 

Key Factor #6 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Grievance Policy/Procedure

Consumers receiving court-ordered supervised visitation services need access to a process for expressing concerns about their case and the way it is being managed.

We have several mechanisms in place for consumer feedback. There is a Senior Supervisor on Saturday and Sunday who is assigned to assist clients with all concerns in service delivery. Program Coordinators fulfill that role Monday - Friday.

If the Senior Supervisor or a Program Coordinator cannot resolve a concern, the concern is then presented to the Program Director. If the Program Director is not able to resolve the concern, it is presented in an Executive Team meeting which includes Program Manager, Program Director, Assistant Director, and Executive Director.

If the Executive Team is unable to resolve the concern, the client makes a formal written request to the Board of Directors. That concern is then placed on the agenda for a regularly scheduled meeting of the Board, which occur quarterly.

Some items can't wait for resolution, so there is a procedure in place for Board member involvement and review outside the regular meeting schedule when an issue is time-sensitive.

Hannah's House also has a formal Feedback Procedure for Court Reports. That procedure is issued with every court report so that clients are able to quickly complete that process if they need corrections to the report or need clarification.

Family court matters are stressful enough for everyone involved without the provider adding stress to the situation by being unavailable or refusing to work toward resolving problems when they occur.

At Hannah's House, we make every effort to respect input from our clients. We welcome feedback and want to know how our services delivery, policies and procedures effect those we serve.

Key Factor #5 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Forensic Record Keeping and Reports

Forensic science is any scientific field that is applied to the field of law. In the case of supervised visitation at Hannah's House, the areas of science are social science and behavioral science. Forensic scientists are tasked with the collection, preservation, and analysis of scientific evidence during the course of an investigation and all of that evidence is.related to, used in, or suitable to a court of law.

The provision of supervised visitation services requires 100% eye shot and earshot observation and documentation. The 2015 California Rules of Court sets forth Standard 5.20.

Uniform standards of practice for providers of supervised visitation

(a) Scope of service

This standard defines the standards of practice, including duties and obligations, for providers of supervised visitation under Family Code sections 3200 and 3200.5. Unless specified otherwise, the standards of practice are designed to apply to all providers of supervised visitation, whether the provider is a friend, relative, paid independent contractor, employee, intern, or volunteer operating independently or through a supervised visitation center or agency.

The goal of these standards of practice is to assure the safety and welfare of the child, adults, and providers of supervised visitation. Once safety is assured, the best interest of the child is the paramount consideration at all stages and particularly in deciding the manner in which supervision is provided. Each court is encouraged to adopt local court rules necessary to implement these standards of practice.

Nonprofessional providers are held to the same standard as professional providers in most areas of the standard. They are not required to document, maintain records or produce reports. Only professional providers are held to the record keeping and reports portion of the standard.

5.20 requirements are detailed clearly:

(1) Professional providers must keep a record for each case, including the following:

(A) A written record of each contact and visit;

(B) Who attended the visit;

(C) Any failure to comply with the terms and conditions of the visitation; and

(D) Any incidence of abuse as required by law.

(2) Case recordings should be limited to facts, observations, and direct statements made by the parties, not personal conclusions, suggestions, or opinions of the provider. All contacts by the provider in person, in writing, or by telephone with either party, the children, the court, attorneys, mental health professionals, and referring agencies should be documented in the case file. All entries should be dated and signed by the person recording the entry.

(3) If ordered by the court or requested by either party or the attorney for either party or the attorney for the child, a report about the supervised visit must be produced. These reports should include facts, observations, and direct statements and not opinions or recommendations regarding future visitation. The original report must be sent to the court if so ordered, or to the requesting party or attorney, and copies should be sent to all parties, their attorneys, and the attorney for the child.

(4) Any identifying information about the parties and the child, including addresses, telephone numbers, places of employment, and schools, is confidential, should not be disclosed, and should be deleted from documents before releasing them to any court, attorney, attorney for the child, party, mediator, evaluator, mental health professional, social worker, or referring agency, except as required in reporting suspected child abuse.

Hannah's House has a database of clients which includes the initial phone screening, intake information, and a phone log where all phone conversations are logged. Since the advent of email and the internet, electronic documentation has become the more common method of communication and all emails communication is maintained on all clients.

Supervisors complete Activity Reports during each visit and each exchange. Documentation on the Activity Report is completed at the time of service delivery and then reviewed in a weekly Quality Assurance meeting for completeness and accuracy.

When a court report is ordered or requested by any legal party to a case, the individual activity reports are compiled into one report document and distributed to all legal parties to the case. All phone logs, emails and in-person communication is also included in the court report.

Hannah's House provides supervised exchange services that are guided by the 5.20 Standard. However, it's important for consumers to know that, as of January 1, 2015, any reference to supervised exchange in the Rule were eliminated. This means that there is no standard for supervised exchanges.

Key Factor #4 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Team Approach

When we began our research for program development in 1988, we found that one of the first common concerns expressed by the majority of parents, extended family members and professionals in the community related to the bias of professional monitors.

Users of the services experienced the providers as "taking sides." Sometimes it was a perception and sometimes it was an accurate report. We realized that there was no way in family disputes to ensure that both parties had a positive customer experience. We also realized that we had to develop a service delivery system that controlled for the perception or the reality of a professional provider "taking sides."

We decided to use a Team Approach to service delivery. This seemed like the best way to ensure that there were multiple perspectives and experiences of each family receiving services. It is human nature to become accustomed to a situation, to begin to generalize from our past experience in that situation, and then to lose accuracy and completeness in the experience.

We recognized that everyone has biases, prejudices, beliefs, and values that filter our daily experiences. It made sense to us that multiple professionals interacting with the same family would produce a much more accurate picture of parent-child relationships over time.

We also recognized that we all have had the experience of instantly liking or disliking someone. We knew this would happen for staff members and for clients. We decided early on that these responses would not dictate staffing assignments.

Staff members needs to be able to observe and document accurately regardless of personal reactions to someone. Skill development for a professional includes learning how to self-observe negative reactions to a person or behavior and then document without prejudice or editing.

Parents need to focus on just spending time with their children. Countless times over the past 27 years, parents have complained about the prejudice of a staff member. When we review the notes in these cases, 9 out of 10 times we find that the documentation provided a picture of a good parent and a positive parent-child relationship.

The parent was having a negative reaction to the Team Member and made the assumption that it meant the person didn't like the parent and that the Team Member would document with a negative tone. Imagine if we changed Team Members or assigned Team Members based on the requests of a parent. That would be bias or at the very least the appearance of bias.

Hannah's House has successfully used the Team Approach to forensic service delivery for over 27 years. We do assign one staff person to particular cases but only when there is a clearly documented medical reason for such an assignment.

We are the eyes and ears of the judge who will never meet the children, at least in most cases. We have a legal, moral, and ethical obligation to provide the clearest possible picture of the family. The Team Approach helps us meet all of these obligations in a forensically validated manner.

Key Factor #3 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Clear Policies and Procedures

Since 1988, Hannah's House has provided forensic support services to families involved in family court cases the San Diego Superior Court.

We started very small with just one family. We consulted with professionals in the community from different ares of interest:
Legal
Mental Health
Medical
Education
Law Enforcement
Employee Assistance
Nonprofit

We also identified a large group of consumers who had used forensic support services in communities throughout the country, and conducted individual interviews and surveys to determine what had helped families and what had hurt families.

It quickly became clear that there were several basic elements that had to be present in any effort to help these families:

1 Philosophy of inclusion of both parents

2 Goal of normalizing divorce, separation, and child sharing

3 Equal treatment of both parents ordered to supervised visitation

4 Focus on the here and now for parents visiting children - references to the past or the future was stressful for the child

5 Sensitivity to the appearance of bias or the appearance of a conflict of interest

6 Routine and predictability was essential for all family members

Fortunately, the co-founders of the organization came out of a military background where clear policies and procedures provided a sense of stability, continuity and teamwork.

The organization was developed with these 6 basic elements as the cornerstone. Clear, written policies and procedures were created between 1988 and 1992 as service delivery to families increased.

A community advisory group composed of the interdisciplinary team of professionals drafted policies, reviewed the implementation with families as they received services, and refined the procedures to ensure maximum effectiveness.

Many of the polices and procedures created during those early years remain unchanged today. California did not have standards for the delivery of professional supervised visitation services until 1998, originally Rules of Court 36.2, not 5.20.

Hannah's House was already meeting and exceeding those 1998 standards when they came into being. The only changes required were agreements with local law enforcement and specific abduction prevention policies that were required for agencies.

The definition of supervised visitation in the law is "contact between a noncustodial party and one or more children in the presence of a neutral third person."

There is no mention of anyone other than parent, child, neutral. By law, there is no inclusion of guests. No extended family members. No blended family members. No friends.

This basic definition is probably the best example of why clear policies and procedures are essential. There is no way to address the matter of guests in an unbiased way that ensures there is no discrimination in favor of or against a consumer unless the same rules apply to every single case and every single request.

There are 17 standards in the law, and 90 sub-standards in the Calfornia law governing the work of the professional provider of supervised visitation. Despite this attention in the law, this is a profession that is still largely unregulated.

Consumers have little or no protection from professional providers who do not follow the law, especially if the consumer has no idea that they are operating illegally. That is why it is critical for the consumer to know the law and know the legal standards.

Take a copy of Family Code 3200.5 and Rules of Court 5.20 to your orientation meeting with the professional provider you have chosen. The provider should be able to tell you the policy and procedures they have in place for each of the 17 standards and each of 90 sub-standards.

The provider must have a written contract signed by each client that details the policies and procedures of the provider. If you, the consumer, find that the provider is unable to tell you what the policies and procedures are that they follow to ensure compliance with the law, don't use them for services.

Policies and procedures established, implemented, and maintained by the professional provider of supervised visitation is the only protection the individual family member has that the child will be safe and court orders will be respected.

San Diego Superior Court does not require any proof from any person on Court Resource List. You, the parent, are the only person who can ensure the the law is followed.

Unfortunately, there are still many attorneys who are unfamiliar with the standards for the provision of these services. If you have an attorney, make sure that your attorney is familiar with the standards and that he or she is recommending a professional who is, in fact, in compliance.

The law is in place to ensure that the services are delivered properly, that orders are followed and that children are protected. Professional providers of supervised visitation should be held to the standards they have already sworn to under penalty of perjury when they made application to be included on the list provided to consumers on the San Diego Superior Court website Court Resource List.

Key Factor #2 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: Controlling for Conflict of Interest and the Appearance of Conflict of Interest

The legal standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV) are specific about the types of relationships that are a conflict of interest:

(i) Conflict of interest

All providers should maintain neutrality by refusing to discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another. Any discussion between a provider and the parties should be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children. In order to avoid a conflict of interest, the professional provider should not:

(1) Be financially dependent on the person being supervised;

(2) Be an employee of the person being supervised;

(3) Be an employee of or affiliated with any superior court in the county in which the supervision is ordered unless specified in the employment contract; or

(4) Be in an intimate relationship with the person being supervised.

While this is a helpful start, there is much more that needs to be in place to control for this issue.

PPSV need to have clear, written policies and procedures in the written contract for services that is required by law in California. The contract should detail how the provider ensure neutrality. The contract should specify how the provider ensures that they will not discuss the merits of the case or agree with or support one party over another.

The provider should have clear policies about how they deal with situations where any legal party to the case attempts to disparage the other party to the provider.

Polices and procedures about the documentation of all contacts between clients and the provider should be clearly spelled out. All legal parties to the case should be confident that any discussion between a provider and the parties will be for the purposes of arranging visitation and providing for the safety of the children.

All legal parties should also be confident that 100% of any ex parte communication will be documented and reported. Because the provider is ordered as professional neutral, all communication on the case must be documented and reported.

It is important that the PPSV clarity about their role and about their scope of work. Multiple relationships with the same client are problematic because a conflict of interest is more likely to develop.

Sometimes multiple relationships develop because the PPSV has had inadequate training initially or because the PPSV does not engage in regular and transparent consultation and review of their work. The provider gradually becomes comfortable with the client or clients and moves beyond the professional role.

Typical boundary violations might include the following:
1 Changing policies and procedures because they feel that the client really needs their help
2 Taking care of the children during visits as if they are there a babysitter instead of a professional neutral
3 Helping the client with parenting tasks during the visit
4 Developing an emotionally close and physically affectionate relationship with the adult client and or the children
5 Paying for food or gas for the client when that is not the policy
6 Using ones personal car for transporting the client when that is not the policy

Serious boundary violations with a client might include the following:
1 Dating
2 Renting a room or selling a house
3 Loaning or selling a car
4 Loaning money
5 Editing documentation and court reports to protect the client
6 Refusing to do the required documentation and court reports

At Hannah's House, we have many policies and procedures in place to protect clients and to support and develop our staff.

Consumers need and deserve protection. California has laws that will do that if they are followed. Unfortunately, each of the 58 Superior Courts in the state take a slightly different approach to the Court Resource List for Professional Providers of Supervised Visitation - usually referred to as Visitation Monitors.

In San Diego, there are no requirements for inclusion on the list other than filling out and signing an affidavit under penalty of perjury that the person is qualified to do the work and will follow applicable laws. The affidavit in San Diego is the same whether the applicant is going to teach Boating Safety or be a Professional Supervised Visitation Monitor.

In other jurisdictions the court requires a variety of proofs from the provider before they can be included. Some examples are:
1 Background check / Trustline Certification
2 Insurance - auto and liability
3 Contract for Services
4 Documentation of 24 hours of training in areas specified by law

Because there are no additional protections for the consumers using providers on the San Diego Superior Court Resource List for Visitation Monitors, it is extremely important that consumers read both California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 prior to calling anyone on the list.

Preparing for interviews of a professional who will have significant responsibility for ensuring the well being and safety of your children should be high on your list of priorities as a parent with a court order for supervised visitation services.

Hannah's House meets and exceeds the 24 hour legal training requirement and we have done so since 1988, long before any standards existed.

The minimum requirement to work at Hannah's House is 24 hours of classroom training and 16 hours of hands-on practicum shadowing cases. Once this 40 hour requirement is met, the PPSV is shadowed by a experienced professional while the new trainee supervises visit. This shadowing is typically between 16 and 40 hours, depending on the trainee.

Once a supervisor is qualified for independent service delivery at Hannah's house, there is a Senior Supervisor who continues to oversee the work of all monitors during every work shift. Service delivery feedback is provided weekly, monthly and quarterly to all staff. Training is a high priority at Hannah's House.

Our experience is that it takes at least one full year of service delivery under close supervision to develop the broad and deep knowledge and skills necessary for work as an independent private monitor. This is because we take the responsibility for the protection of children very seriously.

A conflict of interest tends to develop over time and happens so slowly and subtly that the monitor is often in trouble with multiple relationships before they notice. Make sure that the PPSV you choose to safeguard your children and your family-in-transition is truly a professional neutral.

Key Factor #1 for Hannah's House Professional Supervised Visitation Services: CONTROLLING FOR BIAS

California Family Code 3200.5 and California Rules of Court 5.20 establish standards for professional providers of supervised visitation (PPSV). A search engine will readily find both. Consumers in need of these services need to understand the law.

One of the requirements of the PPSV is following all aspects of the law. Controlling for bias is one of those requirements.

Bias is a prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair. In family law cases with an order for supervised visitation, it is a PPSV who is prejudiced in favor of or against one party, the Petitioner, or the Respondent.

The only way to control for bias is to create a process that treats both parties equally from the very beginning.

Hannah's House conducts a screening with both parties prior to any face-to-face meetings. The screening may be done over the phone or via the website. The consumer chooses.

The screening is exactly the same for every person who completes it. The only differences occur because of different facts in each case. Each party on every case is given an equal opportunity to provide the necessary information.

The intake and orientation is the same for every person who completes it. Parents attend an in-person meeting. They will be in a group that includes both residential parents and visiting parents, but two parties to the same case will not participate in the same intake and orientation meeting.

Hannah's House provides supervised visitation and supervised exchanges. The variations in the intake process relate to the difference in those services.

The goal of the intake, orientation, and legal review process is to learn about the case, ensure both parties understand their rights and responsibilities, and to figure out how to keep stress down for the children.

Children are required to attend a Turtle Tour orientation. This provides the child with the opportunity to meet the Human and the Animal Staff, and to explore the family rooms, art and music room, and the snack shop!

The Turtle Tour is required so that children know in advance where they will be coming and what the place and the people are like. This helps control for bias because staff is assured the child is familiar with the setting so staff can just focus on the transitions from one parent to another.

100% of contact between Staff and clients is documented. Email, phone logs, and activity reports are completed at the time of contact.

All activity reports are reviewed weekly by a Quality Assurance Team in a regular QA meeting. The purpose of the review is to ensure accuracy and completeness in the documentation, and to identify any client or staff discrepancies that require intervention beyond that which occurred during service delivery.

The QA team consists of the Assistant Executive Director, Program Director, Program Manager, Program Coordinator - Scheduling, Program Coordinator - Reports and Record Keeping, and any PPSV who wants to attend.

Clients and staff members with discrepancies that occurred during service delivery during the previous week will be contacted by a staff person to address the discrepancy. Typically this contact occurs within 24-48 hours following the meeting.

There is a Quality Control function built into the system to ensure that the discrepancy contacts are made, completed, and documented for each client and staff person identified.

Hannah's House is a forensic social service agency where everything that is said and done can potentially become part of legal proceeding. We take that responsibility seriously and the first step in ensuring forensic accuracy in our service delivery is controlling for bias.

Key Factors for Hannah’s House Professional Supervised Visitation Services

Hannah's House provide services to parents who mistrust and/or dislike each other. Our job is to be a professional neutral. We must establish rapport and some basic trust with each parent, without creating mistrust on the part of the other parent.

Parents come to us from an adversarial experience where one of them 'won' and one of them 'lost'.

Sometimes the 'winner' comes out of court with the idea that they are in control of the situation. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

Sometimes the 'loser' comes out of court with the idea that they are criminal or least being treated like a criminal. It is our very difficult job to help that parent understand that the judge has made orders that require both parents to follow laws and cooperate for the purpose of coparenting the child.

In other words, the judge has made orders that accord rights and responsibilities for parenting and coparenting that apply equally to both parents.

We focus on several important factors to accomplish our goal of building rapport and creating trust:

1 Controlling for bias
2 Preventing conflict of interest
(including appearance of conflict of interest)
3 Clear policies and procedures
4 Team approach
5 Forensic reports and record keeping
6 Grievance policy/procedure
7 Standardization

Over the next several days I will talk about each one of these factors and discuss the policies, procedures and rationale for each one of them.

Questioning Children in Supervised Visitation: Guidance for Moms and Dads

Supervised visitation can be a challenge in a number of ways. One of those is figuring out what questions are okay to ask your child and which ones need to be avoided.

The purpose of supervised visitation to to ensure that the parent-child relationship is safe and protected and as nurturing as possible for the child.

Part of protecting the child is making sure they are not put in the position of feeling caught in the middle in any way between the two parents!

Questions should be asked in a way that does not limit the Child’s response to giving only specific information OR require the Child to provide details about the other parent's life/home!

Some of the examples below are based on the parent already having information about the child.

OKAY (general & child-oriented)
How is school?
What is your favorite subject?
Did you have a good week?
Are those new shoes? They look really nice!
Did you have a nice vacation?
Did you get a haircut?
Have you had lunch yet? If not, let's eat together.
Did your doctor’s appointment go ok?
Did you have fun with your friends at school today? (On a school night)

NOT OKAY (specific & detail-oriented)
Where do you go to school?
What is your teacher’s name?
Who brought you to the visit?
Are those new shoes? Who gave you those shoes?Where did you go on vacation? Who went? How did you travel?
Who cut your hair?
Have you had lunch yet? When and where did you eat lunch?
What doctor did you go to?Who are your friends at school?

Children in supervised visitaiton can initiate any topic they want, including information they should not give!!

If the other parent has sole legal custody, do not allow the Child to give any details about school, dentist, doctor, coaches, troop leaders, teachers, etc. even if the Child is the one initiating.

Either the parent or the Supervisor should gently but quickly interrupt the Child to prevent the disclosure. If Child discloses info, the Supervisor will write a note to the other parent about it and pass it at end of visit. This is done to protect everyone in the situation.

By the way, it is equally important that the child not be grilled with questions by the other parent once the supervised visitation is over. Children need to be greeted with a warm smile, hug and an invitation to reconnect and move on with the day.

High Conflict Coparenting

High Conflict Coparents become locked in conflict that significantly impairs the child and his or her development. The adversarial system contributes to conflict. One or both parents may have a personality disorder.

Once two parents become actively engaged in conflict with each other, it is certain that the child is living in an environment of hostility, revenge-seeking, and emotional reactivity.

The adversarial legal system is where high conflict coparenting begins for many parents. There is a winner and a loser, and it’s a Winner-Takes-All system, all too often. Sole custody has been shown to create conflict and to exacerbate conflict. Limiting a parents involvement in a child’s life increases hostility between the parents. And research has demonstrated that conflict between parents increases in sole custody arrangements.

Research has also demonstrated that the conflict decreases over time with a shared custody arrangement. This makes sense. If loss of a child is not at issue, fear and anxiety and anger and conflict will go down.

The personality of the parent plays a significant role in many High Conflict Coparenting relationships. Parents who have significant deficits in the development of healthy narcissism during his or her own childhood will not cope well with the challenges of the adversarial court system. These are people more likely to experience failed relationships so, of course, they are more likely to end up in a family break-up.

Parents who were raised with unhealthy narcissism are not able to feel good about him or herself unless there is an overall negative approach to relationships, both with one’s self and with others. Healthy narcissism is at the heart of normal self-esteem, positive feelings, appropriate self-regulation, and the positive investment in good relationships.

The combination of an adversarial approach to resolving family tensions and parental deficits in the area of healthy narcissism prove to be deadly for the children. The children in these High Conflict Coparenting relationships become collateral damage as the parents engage in mutual self-destruction using each other and their little ones as weapons.

There is an assumption, based on decades of research, that shared parenting is in the best interest of the child. Most family law cases will eventually reach that goal. Some will not, and some should not. If a parent is unable or unwilling to even try to understand that a child cannot grow up healthy when a parent literally hates half of who that child is, and is intent on destroying that half of the child, the parent needs to be removed from the child’s life.

Fortunately, most parents love for their child is larger, deeper, greater, than their hatred for the other parent. Over time, most parents learn how to put the child’s need for wholeness and healthy self-esteem above the need of the parent to be right, to be the best, to be the winner – no matter the cost.

Parents are often shocked to discover that they can be removed from their child’s life as a result of accusations made in open court without any presentation of evidence – at least not Law & Order or CSI evidence.

Most parents come to family court expecting American-style justice:

1 Innocent until proven guilty

2 Systemic commitment to justice for litigants

3 Ability to face the accuser

4 Beyond a shadow of the doubt

Coparenting decisions in family court are made based on some basic considerations:

1 Best interest of the child - laws are crafted to protect the child, not the parent

2 Shared parenting - preference will be given to the parent who demonstrates the ability to share the child

It can be impossible to find a peaceful resolution to a family conflict when litigation in open court occurs. The family will never know what post-break-up life could be like if the war had not occurred. Some parents will get there as they move through the process. Some will not.

If parents are still as emotional and reactive at 1 year, post-break-up as they were at the beginning, it’s safe to assume that 1 or both of them are actively engaged in High Conflict Coparenting. It does not mean they are both doing it. It does not mean it is mutual. It may be, but it is very difficult to coparent with a High Conflict Personality.

We need to make a distinction between High Conflict Coparenting - both parents are initiating the conflict and coparenting with a High Conflict Personality - one parent is initiating the conflict and the other parent is reacting and managing the conflict poorly.

There are hallmarks of the High Conflict relationship:
1 Using the child as a weapon, a messenger, a companion, a best friend

2 Hostility, mistrust, blaming, anger, dishonesty

3 Rules and expectations that are competitive, confusing and create chaos between the two homes

4 Scheduling and exchanges are chaotic and unpredictable

5 Power struggles occur in almost every point of contact between the two homes: clothes, haircuts, tooth brushing, diet, backpacks, toys, trimming of the finger and toe nails, cleanliness of the ears and hair, strip-down searches for any mark of any kind on the body of the child, and on and on and on and on

6 Parents focus on manipulating the child rather than nurturing the child

7 The child is torn, insecure, caught in the middle, anxious/withdrawn, sad/angry, acting out, focused on the parents

If you or someone you care about is in the midst of a High Conflict Coparenting relationship, do something, say something, take action. There are resources for these families in every community. It is possible to intervene and help all of the family members.

The child only has so much resilience. There is a limit. Once that limit has been reached, the results for the child are devastating for a lifetime.

Self-Soothing and Self-Control - Let's Do It!

The two primary parenting tasks critical to raising happy children and good citizens are: (1) teaching self-control, and (2) teaching self-soothing.

These tasks require Mom and Dad to be attentive, listen actively, and guide the child toward experiencing the consequences of their own choices and taking responsibility for their own behavior.

The motivation for growth and development is part of the human condition. It doesn't need to be taught, but it can be stifled. Most parents instinctively help their children reach for toys, practice sitting, learn eye-hand control, and so on.

However, parents also do things for their children sometimes long after the child is able to do it for him or herself. Mom or Dad feeds the child because they don't want to clean up or they don't have the time. Parents carry children who are capable of walking because it's easier for the parents and requires less patience and concentration. Parents respond to demands and whining as if it was an appropriate way for a child to ask for what she or he needs.

Each of these situations is a natural opportunity to help guide the child's motivation towards learning self-control. Coming up against a limit or redirection from Mom or Dad may then lead to a natural opportunity for the child to practice the skills of self-soothing.

Discipline is about self-control and self-soothing. Discipline is about learning to manage impulses and desires; it's about learning to handle frustration and delayed gratification. This is the challenge of parenting. Teaching discipline to a child requires maturity and discipline on the part of the parent.

Teaching self-control and self-soothing is hard to do when we haven't learned it very well ourselves. It's one of the reasons that sometimes our children teach us that we need to grow up, too! Very few of us reach adulthood having completed all the tasks of adolescence. So reparenting ourselves, learning to heal the deficits from our own parents is just part of the process.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent because life is full of uncertainty and the unpredictable. It was true for our parents and it is true for us. Accept that and do the best you can. And reach out for help. It's easy to find. Learning about the research and techniques of parenting can be fun and very rewarding.

Family Break-Up: Minimize Chaos and Maximize Continuity

Proactive coparenting consultation prior to or least early on during the breakup of the family can make a huge difference in the life of children. It would also create some peace for the parents much sooner than wading through the family court process with either no preparation or only preparation from a zealous legal advocate. Attorneys are a necessary and important part of the process but more parents should do some research first to determine what type and what amount of legal representation their particular child sharing and property division situation requires. Many parents would take that step if they just knew where to go.

Parents making the transition from living in 1 home together to living separately in 2 homes need to do everything possible to plan the process so that they minimize chaos and maximize continuity for the children. If the parents can plan for and pay close attention to these two concerns, the larger changes in the family structure will be much easier for the children to navigate! The same is true for parents making the transition from single parenting to coparenting.

There is an excellent online resource for parents who are separating and who may never have thought very much about their coparenting relationship. For parents who are divorcing, Up To Parents is a great introduction to coparenting children living in two homes. For parents who have never married but are trying to figure out their child sharing, Proud To Parent is an excellent resource. Both of these offerings provide information about the court process and about the needs of the children. Parents who complete one of these FREE online courses can print the completion certificate and file that with the court or provide it to the other parent.

The Self-Help Centers located in the Family Courts in San Diego County are another excellent resource for parents seeking assistance and information about appropriate and necessary filings. Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for moms and dads dealing with the challenges of family restructuring.

There are also voices of anger and outrage protesting the unfairness of the Family Court system. It is true that no stranger is going to make a better decision for your child than you, the parents will. The only reason that the Family Court system gets involved in family decisions is because a parent invites them to do so. Sometimes that is absolutely critical when a child is in danger from the other parent. Many times, it is not necessary to protect the child but is done to protect the insecurities of a parent.

Before you take action, get informed. Find and listen to a variety of voices on the matter. Try to be honest with yourself about your own emotions and work to separate those from the actual needs of your child. Remember that the support groups at Transitions Family Program are FREE and you will be able to meet with Moms or Dads with experience in this process. Take advantage of this opportunity to learn directly for yourself what others have learned. If you want to minimize chaos for yourself and for your child, don't rush unless it is a matter of imminent physical danger. Take a breath, and take some time to make thoughtful changes.

Family Break-Up: Healthy Alliances or Unhealthy Allegiances?

Most coparents have either heard or read about the problems children have with coping skills when the conflict between their parents continues after the separation/divorce. Some children feel caught in the middle of the conflict and feel pressured to choose one of their parents over the other one. Coping with this loyalty conflict is a terrible burden for a child. Some parents, most unintentionally, exploit the child's vulnerability at this crucial time.

A parent who is adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will try their best to reassure the child of several things:

1  You don't have to choose. You love both of us and we both love you and always will.

2  You are not the parent, I am. You don't have to take care of me. It's my job to take care of you.

3  Your Mom/Dad and I are working together to make good decisions for you. This is not your responsibility.

4  It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. Your Mom/Dad and I decided we would both be better parents to you if we didn't live together anymore.

5  I know it's hard learning to go back and forth between Mom's House and Dad's House, but I know you can do it and your Mom/Dad and I will both help you!

These 5 basic messages help create healthy alliances for the child with both of his/her parents. They support the child's need for reassurance and relief from grown-up responsibilities. They communicate that there is an agreement between Mom and Dad to cooperate with each other to take care of the child.  The message is clear that both parents share the same interest in being supportive of the child.

A parent who is not adequately child-focused, and who finds him or herself struggling with a child feeling torn by a sense of love and loyalty to each parent, will covertly or overtly try to exploit the child's worry:

1  You want to mainly live with me now, right? We would still all be a family, if your Mom/Dad hadn't destroyed it.

2  I miss you so much when you are gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. It's really hard for me to be alone.

3  Your Mom/Dad is making things really difficult for us to be together. You need to talk to him/her and let them know that you want to spend more time with me.

4  I don't know why your Mom/Dad did this. Everything was going so well. I can't believe s/he would do this to us. I just don't think s/he really cares about us anymore.

5  I don't know how your Mom/Dad expects you to live like this. Nobody deserves this kind of life. I am so sorry that I can't make it stop. I don't know how you can possibly succeed when your Mom/Dad keeps doing this to you!

These 5 messages are used to create an unhealthy allegiance for the child with one parent. They pressure the child to be loyal to only one parent and to withdraw from or reject the other parent. They communicate the need for the child to take responsibility for care of the parent and to feel obligated to that parent. The message is clear that the only choice available is either loyalty or betrayal. The message is also clear that only one parent is interested in being supportive of the child.

If you recognize yourself in the first set of messages, your child will probably be successful as s/he makes the transition through these family changes. You are working to enhance healthy alliances for the child in both homes which creates and nurtures opportunities for cooperation, collaboration, and resilience.

If you recognize yourself in the second set of messages, your child will probably struggle with the transition through these family changes. You are working to create unhealthy allegiance for the child in only one home, which engenders loyalty conflict, competition, and low self worth.

Your child deserves a chance for a bright tomorrow which can only happen if you, the parent, learn how to stop competing and start cooperating; and how to stop sabotaging and start collaborating. You deserve a chance to learn how to coparent in a way that supports your child AND supports you. You can do this by joining a support group, taking a class, or getting some personal coaching or therapy.  You owe it to yourself and to your child!

To Turn a Child Against a Parent Is To Turn A Child Against Himself / Herself

"Parental alienation" is a controversial label. In part this is related to Dr. Richard Gardner's early attempts to create a diagnostic category of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). The attempt was well-intentioned and opened an area of discussion and inquiry that contributed significantly to awareness and understanding a critical dynamic in many Family Court cases. PAS itself was, not surprisingly, discredited. The reasons are complicated and varied, and relate directly to the extraordinary diversity of problematic family dynamics which present in families as they separate and then reconstitute in new formations.

Dr. Douglas Darnall, author of Divorce Casualties, further contributed to this important topic when he sought to differentiate PAS, the syndrome, from the alienating behaviors coparents use to diminish each others parental roles when caught in a struggle over custody of a child. His contribution was essential to ensuring that the dynamic itself did not disappear from our conversations with mothers, fathers, and other adults in care-providing roles with a child learning to live between 2 homes.

Dr. Richard A. Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, has also made significant contributions to our exploration of those parental behaviors designed to turn a child against his or her parent. His book is an excellent resource for parents who have been designated by the court system as "High-Conflict" as they try to understand how their own behavior may contribute to the stress on the children.

While there is still no consensus on the issue of Parental Alienation, most mental health professionals with forensic experience know that many parents compete for the love and favor of their children during difficult family transitions rather than working to shield their children from the stress and strain of the adult traumas. This fear-and-anger fueled competition leads to behaviors which hurt children, though often not intentionally. Few parents set out with the goal of hurting their own children as they work so hard to carve out a significant place in their child's life.

Rather parental behaviors which alienate the child from the other parent and, ultimately, from him or herself, occur out of a sense of desperation, powerlessness, or hopelessness. No parent knows how he or she might respond if the vital role of Mom or Dad is threatened in a profound and lasting way. Parents in that position are often quick to explain that they would never say anything bad about the other parent to their son or daughter. These parents don't realize that words are not required. The negativity toward the other parent is usually felt so deeply by the child that no words are necessary. 

Losing time with and the opportunity to care for a child is painful for a parent. Losing a sense of safety and security in the world is terrifying for a child. The child's need for reassurance must trump the parent's need for self-worth if that parental sense of integrity comes at the expense of the child's innocence and trust in those who are supposed to ensure it. If you are struggling with your own sense of competence and worth as you make difficult family transitions, reach out for help. There are coparenting classes, support groups, and affordable therapeutic services for families in transition. You do not have to do it alone.

San Diego's Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House provides these support services and more. Email today TransitionsSD@gmail.com

Loving All of Your Child When You Hate the Other Parent

The other parent is in my child and my child is of his father as much as he is of me. I see it in his smile and the wrinkle of his nose. I hear it in his laugh and his distinctive voice. I marvel at the comfort of his extroversion that could have only come from his father. Today I have affection for all of these wonderful ways in which my son is like his father. But I struggled mightily in earlier years to find ways to love and nurture all of my son, and to support him becoming the young man he is today.

Asked if they love their child almost all parents would say "of course, I do! How could you even ask that question?" But in the world of divorce, broken families, custody battles and tension-filled co-parenting relationships, it is a question that needs to be asked slowly, thoughtfully and repeatedly to help parents overcome their denial about the direct damage done to a child who is raised by a parent who dislikes, mistrusts, or even hates half of who that child is.

Learning to love all of who your child is following the break-up of your relationship requires a strong commitment to developing a new set of parenting skills to protect your child over the long term from your adult emotions, judgments and disappointments.

Step 1 is learning to control your eye rolls, winks, sighs, hand signals, voice tone, whispered criticisms, and snide or sarcastic references to the other parent and his or her friends, family and values.

Step 2 is learning to communicate with the other parent ONLY about coparenting matters and doing so in a straightforward manner without hooks, barbs, innuendo, condescension or innuendo

Step 3 is finding a way to show basic respect for the other parent's contribution to your child's spirit, presence, personality, physicality, existence.

Step 4 is communicating that respect to your child in a manner that is genuine - children can tell when you are faking it.

Step 5 is skill development through practice-practice-practice.

Skills include a combination of:
1 noticing your emotional reactions/over-reactions,
2 restraining yourself,
3 talking your reactions over with other neutral adults,
4 learning when you need to initiate a communication
5 learning when you need to respond to a communication,
6 drafting and saving;
7 editing and saving;
8 editing and deleting OR editing and sending.
9 sending ONLY when you have determined that the response is appropriate and necessary,
10 limiting communication to 40 words or less and focused on just 1 topic, no more than 1 per day unless it is an urgent matter needing to be resolved in less than 24 hours.

Unless you truly have an "amicable" break-up, it is going to take anywhere from 6 months to a couple of years to sort all this out and begin to have some sense of competence about your coparenting. In the meantime, find some support from people who will help you be wise and mindful about your self care and the needs of your child.

Right of First Refusal in Family Law Cases

Right of first refusal (ROFR or RFR) is a contractual right that gives its holder (the parent) the option to enter a business transaction with the owner of something (the child/ren), according to specified terms, before the owner (the parent/s) is entitled to enter into that transaction with a third party (extended family of origin and family of choice).

In brief, the right of first refusal is similar in concept to a call option. An ROFR can cover almost any sort of asset, including real estate, personal property, a patent license, a screenplay, or an interest in a business.........wait just a minute! Where are children in this list? Hmmmmmm. . .

It might also cover business transactions that are not strictly assets ....okay, then, here it comes... such as the right to enter a joint venture or distribution arrangement. . . Huh?! Again, where are the children??? Where do they fit?

In entertainment, a right of first refusal on a concept or a screenplay would give the holder the right to make that movie first. Only if the holder turns it down may the owner then shop it around to other parties. Geez...I am just not getting this!

Because an ROFR is a contract right, the holder's remedies for breach are typically limited to recovery of damages. In other words, if the owner sells the asset to a third party without offering the holder the opportunity to purchase it first, the holder can then sue the owner for damages but may have a difficult time obtaining a court order to stop or reverse the sale. Ohhhhhh....now I get it!

So, if I ask my best friend to trade overnights for our children so that we can each have some grown-up time, I can be sued by my coparent to recover the damages done to....now I am lost again. What are the damages? My child loves my best friend and her children so that can't be where the damages occur. My child can't wait to have my best friend's children spend the night at our house as soon as possible so that can't be where the damages occur. I get a little grown-up time which allows me to replenish myself, feel awesome about my life, and excited to reunite with my child, so that can't be where the damages occur. 

However, in some cases the option becomes a property right that may be used to invalidate an improper sale. This makes no sense at all! How in the world is somebody going to go back in time and take away the experience of fun, happiness, and joy my child experienced when he got to spend the night at his friends' house!?

I don't know about you but I am thinking that this whole concept of a Right of first refusal (ROFR) is completely inappropriate in the context of Family Law.  First of all, children aren't property, and second, coparenting is not about the rights/ownership of the parent; it's about the well-being of the child!
Hannah's House has FREE support groups for Moms and Dads who are co-parenting 2-home children. Child care is provided. Dad's Group is Monday night from 6-7 pm and Mom's Group is Friday night from 6-7 pm. The groups are open to any Mom or Dad with 2-home kids!