How do I answer these questions about the divorce?

Timing is everything, isn’t it? Of course these tough questions are likely to come tumbling out when your child is tired, hungry, angry and just stressed out. So the chances that either one of you are actually going to be in the right frame of mind to have such a sensitive discussion are pretty slim.

Given that, the first thing you want to do is acknowledge what an important topic it is, “This sounds really important.”

Second, assure the child you will answer their questions and make a commitment to do that soon, like sometime in the next day (24 hours.) “I will sit down and talk with you about this before bedtime tomorrow night. I want to make sure we have the time to talk about this at a time when we both can focus on it.” Don’t answer spontaneously on the spur of the moment. Even if you think you might be able to handle it, don’t take the risk that you might blow it in even small ways.

Third, immediately email or call your most trusted, reliable, balanced adult confidante and start talking it through with them. Prepare, prepare, prepare...the three most important factors in discussing divorce with your child.

Prior to having this discussion with your child is a great time to refresh yourself on the developmental tasks and stressors that are a part of your child’s life just based on their age. Even though it may feel like it to you sometimes, every problem or challenge in the life of a child is not because of the divorce or separation. Clearly it’s not easy to sort out where the trigger is sometimes, but it is really important to broaden your perspective and remember that life offers its own challenges for each of us just because we are alive and on the planet and trying to live a life.

Once you have grounded yourself through dialogue with a trusted confidante and oriented yourself about ordinary developmental stressors, initiate the conversation with your child. If your preparation has been done well, you will be able to (1) stay focused on your child’s needs not your own, (2) answer their questions in a child-friendly manner that protects them from adult burdens and emotions, and (3) let them know that you have your own struggles with accepting the changes in your family.

Your goals are to (1) provide emotional support, (2) share age-appropriate information for the purpose of reducing anxiety and (3) connect as openly and honestly as you can. If the child asks about money or sex tell them those are adult matters that are the responsibility of the grown-ups - tell them that even if, or especially if, it is clear that the other parent has already told them way too many details! Somebody needs to be an adult in this situation if they are actually an adult -- meaning kids cannot be in the adult role!! You only have control of yourself so make sure that you make the right choice.

Do affirm that the changes are final and share how difficult that is.
Don’t offer false hope of reunification.

Do reassure your child in the love of both of his or her parents.
Don’t even hint that one parent is preferred over the other.

Do remind your child that the changes are not his or her fault, that they are those of the adults.
Don’t use your child as a go-between to create distance between the child and his or her other parent.

But I Don't Say Anything Bad! I'm Neutral...

Your two home child comes home from the other parent’s house after the first 3-day week-end of the year and announces that they took a surprise trip to Disneyland for the week-end. And they are excited. Talkative, laughing, telling you stories about what they did and funny things that happened. And you find yourself having a hard time being happy and excited back because you are experiencing all kinds of strong reactions to the news. So you work very hard to just stay neutral because you don’t want to say anything bad about the other parent who, in your opinion, should not be spending money on a trip to Disneyland when he or she isn’t paying for _______________. You fill in the blank. I’m sure there is something. So, neutral?

Really? How many topics in your child’s life are you neutral about? Health? School? Toys? Friends? Video Games? Television? Grooming? Manners? Clothes? Sex? Drugs? Alcohol? Cigarettes? Religion? Politics? The truth is that parents aren’t neutral about much of anything in a child’s life and that’s a good thing because adequate parenting means caring, commitment, concern, involvement, engagement, participation. In short, parenting requires all of the things that neutral is not. If we’re really neutral about something, it means we’re unconcerned, nonchalant, not personally connected, casual about our involvement, comfortable with not taking part and comfortable with not giving assistance or support. And that describes someone who is not a good parent when it comes to anything that is important to our child.

No. Neutral is not what parents are toward their child, especially when it comes to the child’s other parent. And if you are really working at being neutral then your child feels it and it doesn’t feel good. How does it feel when someone you care deeply about responds to your need for recognition, love, support and approval with a lack of concern or interest? We all have had that experience in an important relationship. And we all know exactly how it feels. It feels awful and we struggle to understand why that other person that is so vital in our life is treating us as if they don’t love us, they don’t care, as if we don’t matter to them. To a child with a parent working at being neutral about something the child feels strongly about, neutral feels like rejection, abandonment, a lack of love. It feels like Mommy or Daddy suddenly goes away.

So what do you do? You keep your focus on your child and their enthusiasm, not on the topic. Imagine that your child is talking about anyone or anything he or she loves and feels excited about. You’re supporting your child’s sense of wonder and connection to the world. Keep your focus there and you will be able to engage. Say “that sounds fun!” or “You are so lucky!” It’s your job to find a way to connect to your child and support him or her in exploring the world and in feeling safe and happy in the knowledge that they can tell you anything and you will not go away.

If you continue to struggle with staying connected to your child when they are talking about the other parent, then get some help from other adults. Friends, family, a therapist, a spiritual advisor – find someone you can talk to about the adult feelings and reactions you have when the other parent is the focus of the child. Talk it through and practice until you develop the ability to stay focused on your little one. When you disconnect from your child it affects your relationship with him or her in potentially profound ways and you need to work at figuring out how to change that. Being a parent of a two home child is not easy sometimes. It requires skills that are new and different from parenting a child with both parents in one home. Acknowledge that to yourself, remind yourself when you forget how challenging it really is, and reconnect to yourself in a forgiving way.

So...Who Does Own This Jacket?

Most of our kids are back in school after the Winter Break or are about to go back and all the new stuff from the gift-giving frenzy of the holidays is finding a home. For our 2 home kids this can be stressful if there are strings attached to the gifts, especially if it’s not talked about and they have to guess. For example, a young girl gets dressed for school and is ready to walk out the door to catch the bus. Her father says, “Hey. What are you doing? You can’t wear that jacket today. Your Mom is picking you up after school and that jacket belongs here. I bought that jacket. It’s brand new!” Bam! First she heard of it! Silly girl, she thought the gift was for her, not for her Dad or her Dad’s ‘house.’ Of course some parents and step-parents just have to say more, like “you know that nothing ever comes back from your Mom’s house.” Now the happy girl, excited about seeing her friends and showing off her new clothes is angry, resentful, embarrassed, and so on. And why? Because Dad didn’t tell her when he gave her the present that there were restrictions on it. And, by the way, he didn’t tell her as part of the preparation to go back to school and back on the regular sharing schedule. He waited until the last minute when it would absolutely be guaranteed to create some kind of tension.

Now, some of you are probably already having a dialogue with yourself or somebody else about this issue. You may be a person who thinks that there shouldn’t be any restrictions on gifts given to kids…that if you give a gift it belongs to the receiver or it’s not really a gift. Or you may believe it is reasonable for parents of 2 home kids to have some items that always stay in 1 home. Or you may be a parent who resents the other parent ever being able to see or touch anything that was bought with your own money so you make sure that never happens. And so on. There are many points of view on this…and we are not getting in to that part of it. This is about clear communication from the parent to the child and it is about the parent taking responsibility in a direct way for whatever his or her rule is about gifts/stuff bought and given in his or her house.

So who ‘owns’ the jacket and how do you safeguard resources without burdening your children? The discussion about what does and does not go back and forth between the 2 homes should start early. Some parents start it at the time of the parental separation by making sure the child makes choices about what goes to Mom’s house and what goes to Dad’s house from the very beginning. The parent makes it clear just what items are controlled by the parent and which are items the child gets to make the decision about. Sometimes you can communicate this limit when the discussion first starts about something the child wants. Your son or daughter’s birthday is in a few months and they let you know they really want a new bicycle or a PlayStation or Wii or laptop or iPod. Let them know right away if it will be available to go back and forth or if it will be a 1 home gift only.

While it is important to be consistent with your approach, you don’t want to be too rigid about it. For example if the Wii doesn’t go back and forth between homes but the child is having a birthday party sleep over with friends at the other parents house where there is not a Wii and they really want to play Rock Band it would be a great idea to be flexible for that special occasion. The good will you build between you and your child will feel great to both of you. So remember, it’s not that important what limits you set or why they are important to you. What matters is that you are clear and open with your child about what the rules are. It makes going back and forth a little bit easier for everybody!

RESOLVED: I Will SHARE Children & DIVIDE Property

How's that for a New Year's resolution to start the new decade?!

Welcome to the Hannah's House Blog! This resolution blog is our first and we hope to see you here often. We will focus on issues of concern for 2 home kids...that is children who go back and forth between two homes, usually Mom's and Dad's. Our primary goal is to look at this from the perspective of the child. We will talk about all kinds of topics and situations and, hopefully, include ideas for children of all ages. So, on we go to our first blog, which is about sharing children and dividing property.

This time of year is always a challenge for 2 home kids going back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's house. Mom and Dad are fighting for THE HOLIDAY or EQUAL TIME or DAILY CONTACT and, if you ask the kids what they like...what they want...what they look forward to...? Honestly? It's probably going to be the presents/time in both homes, whatever Mom and Dad are doing. It's no fun when parents fight over you, compete for the #1 spot, and, in general, act like idiots. Kids don't really care when it happens, as long as it does and as long as it is close enough to count. They just don't want to go back to school next Monday with the dismal reality that the entire winter break was spent bouncing back and forth either metaphorically or physically between two supposed grown-ups acting like spoiled...oh...I dunno...children?

Some parents approach their 2 home kids as if they were dividing property or proceeds from the sale of property. Everyone would probably agree that the transfer of a deed probably is a big deal in terms of doing it on 12/31/09 VS 01/01/10. But not so much the case when you are talking about sharing a special family meal with your 2 home kid. Making sure it is EQUAL certainly is important when you are splitting money between 2 people who each have a claim to it, but sharing kid time with the other parent...come on...be generous...you can do it...you can let go of that 50/50 mentality just for a little while. Go ahead, put down the calculator or the chain saw or whatever you are using to get the kids divided exactly in two. By the way, whatever your timeshare/percentage is...let it go! (I know that if you don't have 50/50 that is exactly what some of you will focus on.)

And I know that some of you are saying right now..."but you don't understand! My situation is special! It's different for me!" The truth is, all families are different from one another. So you're right-you probably are special. And what matters is that each one of our children wants to be seen, heard, loved and accepted. The surroundings, the details, the circumstances are not what matters most to a child. It's the true presence, at every level, of a parent in the moment who can see, hear, love and accept. Try it. For the sake of your child, try it.

Your kids will thank you for the peace you create for everyone when you stop the battle. Take a deep breath and take the risk of just being with your children for whatever time you have. Don't fight it. Embrace what is, not what you wish for. Be thankful. Be loving. Just be...with your child. St Augustin got it right, "Peace in society depends on peace in the family." Let's do that for New Year's 2010. Let's be at peace in our family.