Does Your Child Have A Secure Base?

The foundation for the secure base is a secure attachment of a child to a parent/primary caregiver. It's like home base when you are playing tag, or the side of the pool when you jump in the deep end. That base is a place to rest and feel safe. Of course the child needs to leave home base or the side to play and explore but can safely return. That is the function of the secure person.

Some children are lucky enough to have secure attachments to both parents who have shared parenting since infancy. You can see that sense of security when a child first begins to be able to move on his or her own. The child is sitting with a parent, crawls away, and looks back for reassurance. Mom/Dad smiles and claps and encourages. The child continues to explore and play.

Sometimes the young child will come back to Mom/Dad for a hug or a touch and then off again to explore the world. School age children may not touch base as often but want to know that Mom/Dad is there when they need them!

A child with an insecure base has a hard time leaving Mom/Dad. The insecurity is an outgrowth of parenting, not innate within the child in most case. Mom/Dad is either anxious or distracted for too much of their parenting time with the child. Parents who are anxious and insecure tend to create children who are anxious and insecure. Parents who are distracted and preoccupied with adult concerns tend to create children who are insecure because they don't get adequate nurturing and feedback and reassurance.

When families break apart parents often become anxious, insecure, distracted, and preoccupied. Children can handle this stress for a while, but there is a limit!! Get support when you are going through a life change that is challenging. If your normal coping skills and support system aren't working then reach out and find more!

Your child needs a secure base in Mom's House and in Dad's House as quickly as possible after the families breaks apart.. The best way to accomplish that is cooperative and shared parenting for coparents who can be respectful to one another; or parallel parenting with little coparenting contact when the adults are not able to be respectful.

Transitions Family Program at Hannah's House offers FREE support groups for Moms and Dads every week - Wednesday 530 for Dads and Friday 530 for Moms. The groups are open to any coparent in San Diego county who is family-court involved, or coparenting children between 2 separate homes.

Good-enough parenting is what is required to ensure a secure base for your child. Just good-enough. Not exceptional, and certainly not perfect. If you need some support to get back to good-enough, email transitionssd@gmail.com today.