Special outings can be a source of tension, stress, and
pressure for children when Mom and Dad don’t get along. This is an example of
an avoidable loyalty conflict for the child if the parents have basic
coparenting communication. Simple
coparenting agreements include these kinds of activities. Mom and Dad agree to
alternate or they agree that Mom will always do a certain activity each year
and Dad will do another.
Unfortunately, when coparenting relationships are high
conflict, special outings like LegoLand or Disneyland can easily turn into competitive
events for coparents who are insecure in their role as a parent and who want to
“win” in a self-centered game against the other parent.
Some common examples include:
1 Disney Ice Show
2 New Movie Release – G Rated or 2nd or 3rd in a series
3 Del Mar Fair
4 Monster Trucks
5 Comic-Con
1 Disney Ice Show
2 New Movie Release – G Rated or 2nd or 3rd in a series
3 Del Mar Fair
4 Monster Trucks
5 Comic-Con
Children suffer when coparents are so estranged from one
another that they are unable to agree on basic information exchange for the
purpose of protecting a child from loyalty conflicts. When coparents have gone
weeks, months, or even years with no face-to-face contact the potential for
set-backs and new allegations is high. Transition points in a family working
toward a successful restructure are vulnerable times for each family member.
Family Court typically doesn’t provide transition plans for
parents that are sensitive to these delicate transition times. Transition plans
should include a gradual change from supervised visits to book-end visits to supervised
exchanges to face-to-face exchanges with a neutral person present. This kind of
transition process is necessary to support all family members in making the
changes towards a healthy new structure but the law does not require this kind
of support.
As the gradual change plan moves forward, conjoint
coparenting counseling for the sole purpose of making basic agreements about
information exchange and about special event procedures can make all the
difference for every family member. These agreements remove uncertainty and
stress on the family system, and establish new norms for 2-home family
functioning that are critical for success.
Family Courts could provide transition plans appropriate to
each family system, but it is a very rare occurrence in an adversarial judicial
system struggling with understaffing, full calendars, and inadequate budgets.
If you want to create a new family structure which supports
your children in moving between homes successfully, then find a way to sit down
with your coparent and make some basic agreements. Most coparents find it
difficult or impossible to stay calm without a neutral person to keep the
agenda on track.
Facilitated Coparenting Meetings at Transitions Family Program
at Hannah’s House are an excellent way to approach this task. Most coparents
meet for 1-3 meetings to make the basic agreements, and then do periodic
scheduled meetings to follow up and refine.
Loyalty conflicts weigh on children. Loyalty conflicts
diminish the joy and spontaneity of childhood. Protect your child from this
avoidable stress and your new family structure will flourish.
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