Loyalty conflicts are complicated.
Resolving loyalty conflicts is a process.
That process often starts with reparenting ourselves as
we parent our children.
How do I that? How do I reparent myself to fill in those
broken places while I try to raise another human being?
The first step in any process of human change is
recognition of our own contributions to the status quo. This requires a spirit
of inquiry about self because we are only able to be as honest with another
person as we are able to be honest with ourselves.
If I am unhappy with the life partner I chose, I need to
accept responsibility for that choice. I need to explore my needs and desires
that led me to make a choice for myself that has proven to be a poor one.
I need to take responsibility and stop blaming my partner
for the choices I made. I need to make better choices. I need to take some
risks to change my own behavior in order to build a better life for myself and
my children.
“I” statements have power. That is why most approaches to
the change process include them. Try it. Keep the focus on self. Keep the focus
on personal choices and personal responsibility.
I chose.
I decided.
I agreed.
I acted.
Parents teach us about choices, consequences, personal responsibility,
honesty, and integrity. If our parents blamed others for their own shortcomings
and disappointments then we are likely to that, too.
How can we teach our children about being a decent human
being if we are blaming other people for the choices we have made? Becoming a
better parent may mean having a different relationship, a different understanding,
of how we were raised.
Does that feel disloyal? Do you feel a loyalty conflict?
Do you believe that it’s wrong to admit that your Mom or your Dad made choices
that hurt you or left you alone too much or blamed you too much or criticized you
too much or made you grow up too fast?
Life happens to all of us. Life happened to our parents. Exploring
the impact of the choices our parents made is not disloyal. Recognizing the
impact of the life challenges thrown at our parents is not disloyal. Being
honest about how we felt as children when our parents made the very best
choices possible as they faced difficult situations, is not disloyal.
Children shouldn’t have to choose one parent over the
other. But many adults say that they felt closer to one parent than they felt
to the other, or that one parent had more positive influence than the other. Our
feelings towards our parents are not a matter of loyalty or disloyalty. They
can be a source of tremendous understanding, compassion, and empathy for our
parents and for ourselves when we were children.
Becoming a better parent means acknowledging the ways we
need to take care of ourselves to make sure that we don’t unconsciously use our
children to meet our own needs.
This process is complicated under the best of
circumstances. When our own family has broken apart, it can seem impossible.
But our children can’t wait to be adequately parented until we grow up. We need
to find a way to take care of our children and take care of self. Find a
therapist or counselor or life coach who can help. Find a support group of
like-minded parents who can help.
You are worth it and so are your children.
My situation is one that I feel I have been alienated by the other parent for reasons due in large part to her own mental illness, insecurity, revenge, and blatant disrespect. I could explain the details for my reasoning but I would rather let the people at your organization see for themselves exactly what I am talking about. Parental alienation is a hate crime and I am aware of the fact that this is exactly what has happened to me in the last 18 months or so since I have last seen my son. His mother has lied about me on every occassion she has had an opportunity to slander my name. The truth is, it is she who is the abusive one and it is she who will ultimately find herself alone because of it. Not by my doing, however, when my son comes of age, not only legally but mentally, to understand with the full faculties of a full grown mature man, he will then see how his mother caused him so much difficulty in his early years with regards to having his father in his life. It is then he will understand the nature of her cruelty and viciousness currently under the guise of innocence. She paints a pretty picture to cover up the dirt on the canvas, however, that picture wont last for long, eventually it will peel and expose the darkness thay lay beneath shrouded in contempt, deceit, and hatred. His mother doesnt just care about anyone but herself in all areas of her life, personally and professionally and when it comes time for her to part ways with someone, she has a knack for forcing others to have nothing so she can have everything. Every one of her partners both personal and professional will testify to this. The only way they wouldnt is if they are too stupid to realize it. She's a bully straight up and shes willing to lie cheat and steal or do anything necessary to see the other person lose as much as possible and suffer as much as possible as a result of just wanting to be done with her. In my case she has done as much as humanly possible to destroy my life and make me miserable as much as possible. Obviously as a way to make me pay for the misery I supposedly caused her. The problem with that is, she was already miserable before i met her, it just took me a little while to figure it out and when I did, well this is the situation we are in.
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