Children shouldn’t have to choose one parent over the
other.
Most parents would immediately agree with that sentiment.
Oh, absolutely! I would never….
But children don’t feel the pressure and stress of
loyalty conflict because a parent overtly and directly asks them to choose or
asks them to agree with negative statements about Mom or Dad.
Children feel loyalty conflicts because they know when
Mom or Dad is angry or rejecting of the other parent and it feels scary.
Children know when Mom or Dad needs the child to reassure
the parent that the adult is important, special, and the better parent.
Children learn to choose one parent over the other
because children can sense what parents need to hear and see in order for the
parent to feel good about him or herself.
If Mom or Dad feels good, like a good parent, then life
feels good for the child.
Loyalty conflicts in children, and the adult manipulation
of children’s emotional vulnerabilities, happen in all kinds of families
because some parents exploit children to compensate for adult challenges. Some
parents emotionally manipulate children only when under great stress and some
parents do it because that is the way they learned to get their needs met in
intimate family relationships.
Loyalty conflicts emerge because parents have unmet needs
and unmet or incomplete developmental tasks from the way they were parented as
children. These deficits, or undeveloped aspects, become more intense when
children are brought into the life of a couple.
We refer to a family living together under the same roof
as “intact,” meaning unbroken. We refer to families who have separated from one
another to live in two homes as “broken,” meaning damaged.
This simplistic
way of categorizing families is convenient, but misleading. It completely
misses the fact that we all have unmet needs and incomplete developmental tasks
from our childhood. How could we not?
Life is hard. Unpredictable. Unfair. Good things happen to bad people. Bad
things happen to good people. Parents do the best they can every single day
with what they have to work with and with what life throws at them.
In other words, we are all “broken” in some way. We all
have things to learn about being a better person, a more capable mother or
father, a more positive human being. Hopefully, we will keep becoming more
truly and completely who we are capable of being every single day of our lives.
Loyalty conflicts are complicated and there is not one
solution. There is no magic word or sentence that you either say or don’t say.
Resolving loyalty conflicts is a process. That process
often starts with reparenting ourselves as we parent our children. The process
certainly requires a spirit of inquiry about self. In the next few days, we
will continue to explore the issue of loyalty conflict. For our children, and
for ourselves.
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