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Thursday, April 7, 2016

Understand the Absence of a Parent From a Child's Point of View


Children experience feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, guilt and/or shame when a parent disconnects from their life.
Even when a parent made the decision to withdraw from the life of a child was based on what the parent believed was in the child's best interest, this is rarely understood by the child.
Children often feel that there is something wrong with them that accounts for the parents departure from their life. "If only I was __________ (nicer, smarter, kinder, etc), my Mommy/Daddy would have stayed."
Children often blame themselves and feel rejected and abandoned. As children try to make sense of why a parent doesn't come around, the easiest explanation for them is to blame themselves.
Children may lash out at the absent parent in anger, "You left the family, convinced their life would be whole, or at least better, if you hadn't left.
On the other hand, some children will form an idealized image of the absent parent and have unrealistic fantasies about the day they will be reunited.
Whatever the response of your child, your job as the estranged parent is to be patient, present, loving, warm, accepting, consistent and predictable. Children need a sense of safety and security from birth. An absent parent damages that sense of safety and security.
Part of the healing process for children is learning that the absent parent has taken responsibility for their absence, made a genuine apology and is prepared to show them they will make it right. The child must see the parent as trustworthy and dependable.
Even if the estranged parent has been the target of alienating behaviors from the custodial parent, the child does not want excuses that blame the other parent.
Educating children about "the truth," about what really happened is not helpful and, in fact, can be quite damaging. The estranged parent needs to be able to answer the child's questions about why the parent left without pointing the finger at the other parent or making the child feel as though they must take sides.

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